three.point.one.four.one.five.nine.two

"I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for"

I found it and let it fade away. Screw that, it didn't fade, I chased it with murder in my eyes and terror in my heart. I eradicated it from my life so fully that I can find no trace of the other side, even after more than a decade of searching.

I have no closure.

I crave him. Who is he? nothing but a memory. There is no part of me that believes he can still be who I once loved, nor that I can ever be anyone he could stomach to be in the same room with. And yet, the part of me that openly purports not to even believe in hope, holds on to a strange, sharp shard of light, turning it and twisting it between my fingers, slicing my flesh and leaking the sanguine essence of my existence hither and thither without concern that it has the very real potential to run dry.

Who was he? Everything. Everything that ever mattered to who I am. Everything that ever felt right. He was my balance; my spirit; the very smile of my soul.

I have been holding my breath since I left him. Even the most beautiful moments of my life -- the birth of my child, her first smile, her laughter...... they have been experienced through a haze of deprivation. My heart does not beat with the same rhythm. Constricted. Confined. Crippled.

the utter simplicity,
the sheer impossibility,
the lingering memory,
the deep-seated need,

...touch me!
            and I shall be born again

10:39p Oct 14, 2001

the past...

[Previously posted on MySpace]

Just when you think its safe to crawl out from underneath the blankets and face the world.. just when you've swallowed down your last pill of regret and bitten off the disgrace of long-lost memories, of emotions, of raw animal instinct.. just when you think the past is really that -- the past...

It suddenly comes and punches you right in the solar-plexus, doubling you over and kicking you again when you're down.

The very idea of moving forwards .. of going onwards and upwards into the happiness life has to offer .. of being one with self and one with the world around......... how can something seemingly so simple, suddenly be so very impossible, just from seeing a PICTURE?!

They've always said a picture is worth a thousand words -- but this picture only filled me with a thousand questions... I have no right to any of the answers, but I want them .. I want them ... I want them all .. and I'll always want him.

I'm going to try to move past this moment of the past..
This is a poem I wrote once, when I needed a hand up .. maybe it can help me again now ......

reflections from within
slowly fade to mind
what was said is said,
and what was done, done.
the past is but a monster
creeping out to attack us
the future is yet untold
laid ahead before us
the uncertainty that finds us
on our daily venture
is bountiful and true
if only we can grasp it
with our human hands
and lead ourselves
      not into temptation
but forward yet to stand.

9:52p EST 05/31/01