Why I'm a feminist!

Time to share another article.... because sometimes, I just get so very frustrated when people I adore go on and on about how they're "not a feminist" because it's a dirty term and it would be so much better if we used the word 'humanist' .... I give in to responses like:  

uhh .. no, feminist means -- men have been the ruling gender in the PATRIARCHAL system that currently exists.. Feminism identifies that it is an unequal status for women and that's where the FOCUS is ... a "humanist" term would suggest that men need to be brought up to the position of power _just_ _as_ _much_ as women do -- which is very much not the case.... but you keep fighting for that..........

and then I feel awkward because I never truly say what I'm thinking in all the best words in the moment .. so .. HERE is someone ELSE (a white man at that?) saying what I want to say to my friends about why I am a feminist and not yet a humanist ......

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5 Reasons Why So Many People Believe Feminism Hates Men and Why They’re Not True

written by Sam Killermann was last updated June 3, 2014 

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”

Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today.  It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.

Feminism doesn’t hate men.

So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.

#1 Because Some Individual Feminists Hate Men

Surprised to hear me say that?  It’s true.  There’s no point in avoiding it, so we might as well start with it.  Just look around the internet.

In 30 seconds on Google, I found this article (first page of my first search about “radical feminism”) and this delightful collection of quotes (my favorite: “To call a man an animal is to flatter him; he’s a machine, a walking dildo.” Thanks for the gem, Valerie Solanas.).

You don’t have to look very hard to find examples of “feminists” who hate men.

But there’s a difference between “feminists” and “misandrists.”

Ever heard the term misandrist? It’s like misogynist but for hating men instead of women.

Yes, misandrist is a word. But feminist doesn’t mean “person who hates men.”  Feminist means “person who believes people should have equitable places in society regardless of their gender.”

Some feminists may be misandrists.  I linked to a couple above.  But it’s by no means a criterion to join the club.

A portion does not equal the whole, even if that portion is really loud.

Though they’re not even that loud, but can seem so because anti-feminists like to cherry pick quotes and ignore the much greater number of feminist writings, people, and organizations that say otherwise.

Some individual feminists hate men.  A lot of feminists might hate men. You might even argue based on what you find on the internet that most feminists hate men.  It’s irrelevant.

What matters is that feminism, distilled down to its absolute core, is about gender equity.  The goal of feminism is to create a society in which individuals’ genders don’t restrict them from an equitable shot at success and happiness.

Most feminists actively disagree with the belief that women are better than men and think that feminists who are anti-men are going against the fundamental principles of feminism, which says we’re all deserving and worthy human beings – women, men, trans* – and should be treated as such.
So man-hating isn’t a part of that goal.  It’s an unfortunate reactionary sentiment bought into by some people (misandrists) who also identify with the feminist movement.

A lot of people get drunk in college, but we know that college is more than a big drinking club, right?  Isn’t it?  Maybe I attended the wrong college.

#2 Because People Have Been Told Feminists Hate Men for 200+ Years

The whole “feminists hate men” thing has been tossed around for quite a long time now.  It’s not new.  The first “feminist” women who began advocating for equal status of women in the US did so in the late 1700’s, but it didn’t really pick up steam until the late 1800’s.

What crazy radical things were these man-haters asking for?  Primarily, the rights to own property, to attend college, and to vote.

In response to these requests, they were were labeled as anti-family, anti-God, anti-men radical hedonists.  That labeling has continued to today, because — surprise! — a group with a lot of power (men) tends to do whatever it can to maintain that power (dismiss equal rights as radical).

It’s happened with every oppressed ethnic group (from the Irish to the Africans) that’s immigrated the country.  It happened with oppressed religious groups (from the Catholics to the Muslims).  And it continues today with the oppressed gender group.

Why do people believe it if it’s not true?

Because people are irrational.  One of the ways I know this is true because there’s an entire book written about it.  An example of how we act irrationally is called diagnosis bias.

A particularly fascinating study showed that the smallest change in the way you describe someone can completely alter the way you perceive their behavior.  How about an example?

A university class (unknowing lab rats) had a substitute professor.  To introduce the professor, the class members were given short bios.  What they didn’t know was that half the bios had been very slightly altered (e.g., exchanging warm, positive adjectives for cold, callous ones).

After the lecture, the students were asked to review the professor.  The entire class saw the same man say the same things, yet the reviews were split 50/50 positive and negative.  Half the class said he was personable, considerate, and engaged, while the other half said he was ruthless, would do anything for success, and didn’t care about students or people.

The smallest change in the way someone is described can make a dramatic change in the way you interpret their behavior and demeanor.

Now, hypothetically speaking, imagine how twisted the perceptions would have been if the students were told the professor was a student-hating, self-serving, radical hedonist.

Oh wait.

#3 Because Most Men Aren’t Bad But Think Feminism Says They Are

Let me bust a few myths.

1.     Being a feminist doesn’t mean you believe “all men are rapists.”  This quote comes from a book by Marilyn French and it seems to be recited more by anti-feminists (as a means of debunking feminism) than feminists themselves.  It’s simply a ridiculous statement that’s been given a ridiculous amount of airtime.
2.     Being a feminist doesn’t mean you think all men are evil.  Following up on the last point, a lot of anti-feminist folks make the argument that feminists believe all men are evil.  This is not true.
3.     Being a feminist doesn’t mean you blame every individual man you know for hundreds of years of oppressive behavior.  Just like you wouldn’t point at a random White person today and blame them for slavery, you can’t blame an individual man today for a history of sexism.

A lot of people think about the things above, think about the men they know (or, if they are men, they think about themselves), and think “That’s ridiculous, ____ isn’t an evil rapist who is responsible for hundreds of years of sexism.”

A lot of people are right.

The thing feminism thinks is bad is the hundreds of years of sexism part, as well as the existence of sexism today.  Sexism is the problem — sexism that a lot of men engage in and a lot of women internalize.

Men engage in sexism because they’ve been taught to behave/think that way.  Women internalize it for the same reason.

Feminism asks both men and women to critically think about those normalized behavior and its impact, and holds people accountable to sexist thinking and behavior even if they didn’t initially realize it was sexist.

So yes, it’s natural to get defensive when someone brings up feminist issues because it’s likely you never thought you were doing anything wrong.  Does that make sexist behavior acceptable?  No.

That’s why we need to do a better job as a society to teach people how to treat each other with equity.  That’s what feminism is trying to do here.

#4 Because Some Feminists Aren’t Willing To Address Men’s Issues (Though Some Are)

Working towards gender equity means equity for all genders, right?  Then what about men?  And what about trans* folks?  This is a question that often gets raised by men (about men, not as much for trans* folk).

Feminism in general has mixed feelings about addressing men’s (and trans*) issues.

I’ll be the first person to admit that there are a lot of gender-based men’s issues to address.  Like why young men today are less likely to graduate from college, attain a high GPA, be active in 
extracurricular organizations or seek leadership roles; or why men in general have always been more likely to be caught up in the criminal justice system or be homeless.  These are real issues, surely, and things our society should work to correct.

But do many feminists ignore these issues because they hate men?  No.

The mixed feelings about addressing men’s issues tend to stem from the fact that “men’s issues” tends to be the default in our society.  We’re a male dominant society.

Many feminists are concerned that addressing men’s issues (or gender issues as a broad goal) will move the conversation completely away from women’s issues, resulting in no progress for the women’s part of the gender progress.

So instead they focus on women’s issues and allow others to focus on other’s issues.  Many feminists would like to see pro-feminist men tackle men’s issues in a way that doesn’t blame women and feminism for all their problems (like MRA’s).

However, it’s worth noting that we here at Everyday Feminism are both men- and trans*-inclusive.  We take an intersectional approach to feminism and look at how different groups of genders, sexual orientations, races, classes, and more are dominated in our society. Our inclusive approach is a big part of our popularity – i.e. a lot of feminists are also inclusive.

#5 Because Sensationalism Is a Good Way To Distract From Real Issues

It’s pretty messed up that being born a certain way means you’re going to be less likely to earn as much money, achieve the same tier of success, be treated with respect and fairness, be elected into political office… but those restrictions are objectively measurable.

Those issues mentioned above affect just about every identity group in the US other than people who are White and male (and straight, non-disabled, etc.) — like me!

Instead of dealing with inequality and giving up a bit of unearned power, it’s far more fruitful to change the conversation and put the oppressed group on the defensive.

Blacks are more likely to be imprisoned because being a criminal is part of being black.  Have fun arguing about that while we enjoy our unfairly granted innocent verdicts.

Gays can’t be given rights to form families because being a child molester is part of being gay.  Go ahead and re-read all of those nonsensical studies and commission some more while we enjoy our access to 1,138 benefits granted solely to married couples.

Women don’t earn as much as men because earning a lower wage for the same work is part of being a woman.  Oh, and babies.  Don’t forget, you make the babies.  What a miracle!  That should be payment enough.

Social change is slow because the people in power are the ones writing the narrative, and they often choose a distracting narrative.

Did you know that up until the early 20th century there was an actual medical condition called “female hysteria” (yes, “hyster,” as in hysterectomy, or pertaining to the uterus)?

Some of the symptoms of female hysteria: loss of appetite, nervousness, irritability, fluid retention, emotional excitability, outbursts of negativity, excessive sexual desire and “a tendency to cause trouble.”

In other words, if a woman wasn’t eating, was eating too much, was angry, happy, wanted to have sex, or wanted equal rights for women (you trouble causers, you!), she was mentally ill and her behavior could be dismissed as such.

Guess who came up with that idea? You guessed it!  White dudes.

Am I Trying To Bring the White Man Down?

No.  I am a White man.  That wouldn’t serve me well at all.

What I’m trying to do, and what feminism is trying to do, is bring the woman up.

While an understandable response to this idea for men is a defensive one, considering so many of the bad things in history have been caused by men (by so many, I mean, like, all of them).  That’s also a positive response, because it means you’re accessing empathy.

You don’t want to be seen as the “bad guy” (what a misandristic term!).  You don’t hate women.  You’ve never oppressed women.  Of course you haven’t.  Oppression doesn’t happen on the individual level.

But it happens.  And as a man, particularly one who is White (like me!), you are granted a lot of privileges that stem from hundreds of years of oppression.  You get that privilege whether you choose to have them or not.

The only choice you get is what you do with your privilege.

Do you use it to make for a more equitable society for mothers, sisters, and daughters you love all human beings, of all genders?

Or do you keep whining about how feminists hate men and distracting yourself and others from serious issues of inequality?

Your call.

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”
Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today.  It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.
Feminism doesn’t hate men.
So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.
- See more at: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/12/reasons-people-believe-feminism-hates-men/#sthash.aNuNzHJm.dpuf

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”
Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today.  It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.
Feminism doesn’t hate men.
So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.
- See more at: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/12/reasons-people-believe-feminism-hates-men/#sthash.aNuNzHJm.dpuf

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”
Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today.  It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.
Feminism doesn’t hate men.
So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.
- See more at: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/12/reasons-people-believe-feminism-hates-men/#sthash.aNuNzHJm.dpuf

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”
Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today.  It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.
Feminism doesn’t hate men.
So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.
- See more at: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/12/reasons-people-believe-feminism-hates-men/#sthash.aNuNzHJm.dpuf

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”
Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today.  It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.
Feminism doesn’t hate men.
So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.
- See more at: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/12/reasons-people-believe-feminism-hates-men/#sthash.aNuNzHJm.dpuf

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”
Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today.  It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.
Feminism doesn’t hate men.
So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.
- See more at: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/12/reasons-people-believe-feminism-hates-men/#sthash.aNuNzHJm.dpuf

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”
Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today.  It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.
Feminism doesn’t hate men.
So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.
- See more at: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/12/reasons-people-believe-feminism-hates-men/#sthash.aNuNzHJm.dpuf

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”
Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today.  It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.
Feminism doesn’t hate men.
So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.
- See more at: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/12/reasons-people-believe-feminism-hates-men/#sthash.aNuNzHJm.dpuf

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”
Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today.  It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.
Feminism doesn’t hate men.
So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.
- See more at: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/12/reasons-people-believe-feminism-hates-men/#sthash.aNuNzHJm.dpuf

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”
Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today.  It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.
Feminism doesn’t hate men.
So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.
- See more at: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/12/reasons-people-believe-feminism-hates-men/#sthash.aNuNzHJm.dpuf

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”
Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today.  It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.
Feminism doesn’t hate men.
So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.
- See more at: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/12/reasons-people-believe-feminism-hates-men/#sthash.aNuNzHJm.dpuf

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”
Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today.  It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.
Feminism doesn’t hate men.
So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.
- See more at: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/12/reasons-people-believe-feminism-hates-men/#sthash.aNuNzHJm.dpuf

Be your own one? :)

Something I think I do very well with my life -- just being me, without searching... (though occasionally I search!) but enjoyed the read enough to want to share: 

Read This If You’re Worried That You’ll Never Find ‘The One’

Heidi Priebe

alessiolr

Imagine something crazy for me, quickly.

What if you peered into a fortune ball right now – this very second, today – and saw with indisputable clarity that you were never going to meet the love of your life?

That’s a sad thing that I’m asking you to think of, I’m aware. You’ve been hoping to meet “The One” for a while now – or at least someone half-decent who you can deal with for the rest of your life. I know, I know. You’re not fanciful like everyone else. You don’t believe in soul mates. But you were expecting to meet someone you liked a fair amount. Someone to curl up next to at the end of a long day, who would take care of you when you got sick and listen to your stories every evening after work. We all hope that. We’re human.

But imagine for a second that you knew – with 100% certainty – that you were never going to meet that person. What about your life would that knowledge change?

Because here’s the thing about finding love – it affects us constantly. And we all loathe admitting it. But love is on the forefront of our actions even when it’s not on the forefront of our minds. It’s the reason you bought those new jeans last week. It’s the reason you went to that barbeque that you didn’t want to go to last weekend. It’s the reason you sometimes feel cripplingly insecure and inadequate and scared about everything that’s coming next. Love’s what inspires most of your greatest changes.
So if you knew, with indisputable certainty, that love was never going to be yours, how would you live your life differently? What about your daily routine would you alter? What about your long-term plans?

Your first inclination may be to say “Nothing.” After all, you’re a smart person. You have plans that don’t involve someone else’s influence. We all do. But ponder it a few moments more. Because here’s what we don’t want to admit about love: it is a crutch that we use all the time. The idea that someday somebody will love all our flaws is a subtle excuse not to work on them. The principle of two halves making a whole restrains us from becoming our own better half. We want someone to swoop in during our darkest hour and save us, but what if we knew they never would? We’d have to start doing everything differently.

If you knew that love would never be an option for you, what would be? How would you structure the rest of your life? Would it have a heavier focus on career, a stronger inclination toward success? Or would you use the time to invest in yourself – go on a few more vacations, travel further outside your comfort zone? If you knew that you would never again feel the rush of budding romance, where would you turn to for your thrills? How would you get your blood pumping?

And what about your other relationships – would they suddenly take on more weight? Would you spend more time appreciating your family, if you knew that they are the people who will have loved you the most strongly at the end of your life? What about your friendships? Would you nurture and care more for the people who love you platonically if you knew that nobody would ever love you romantically? Would you show up a little more often, share a little more of your life?

My inclination is to believe that never finding love would be a game-changer for most of us. One we’d initially consider to be devastating but may eventually realize is the ultimate liberation. Without the fear of ending up alone, the opportunities open to you would become endless. You could live on every continent. You could scale the corporate ladder. You could go back to school and get that degree you’ve always felt interested in, without worrying about the financial burden your debt may place on somebody else. Love holds us back in an infinite amount of subtle ways that perhaps we do not even realize. And the guarantee of its absence may just be the ultimate sense of liberation.
Because if we didn’t have to search for the love of our lives, we would finally be free to realize that we are allowed to be the loves of our own. That we can spend our lives developing ourselves, challenging ourselves, pampering ourselves and building ourselves up to be bigger, more capable people than we ever once hoped to become. We could become everything we’ve been searching for. We could construct our soul mates in ourselves.

If there’s one thing we all need to stop doing, it’s waiting around for someone else to show up and change our lives. Just be the person you’ve been waiting for. Live your life as if you are the love of it. Because that’s the only thing you know for sure – that through every triumph, every failure, every fear and every gain that you will ever experience until the day you die, you are going to be present. You are going to be the person who shows up to accept your rewards. You are going to be the person who holds your own hand when you’re broken. You are going to be the person who gets yourself up off the floor every time you get knocked down and if those things are not love-of-your-life qualities, I don’t know what are.

We have to start appreciating all that we bring to our own lives. Because the ironic truth is, you are most attractive when you’re not worried about who you’re attracting. When you’re living your life confidently, freely and without restraint, you emit the kind of energy that it just isn’t possible to fake. The kind of energy that’s capable of transforming not just your own life, but the lives of people around you.

So stop looking for The One to spend the rest of your life with. Be The One.

And let everybody else come searching for you.

a character sketch

(from a couple years ago)

---

It wasn't so much that it was pink, because it was also green and half of it wasn't there at all. It curled, nay it furled about her ears, against her cheek bones and gave her a decidedly punk look, but if you knew the girl, if you dared to peak beyond the volumes of tattoos, the layers of make-up and the almost-but-not-quite too baggy, too revealing clothes... if you really knew her, you'd never use the word punk to describer her, in fact anything would be closer to the truth than that.

Pink hair didn't define a girl, but it could certainly frame her, and frame this one it did. It wasn't her hair so much as her cleavage that kept the onlooker from her eyes. Low-cut shirts worn like chainmail in a battle for the upper hand. If the eyes strayed down even just that initial moment, it was enough time for her to mask the fear and replace it with an inviting grin -- a seductive stare -- a mere slip of an expression that said she might not know exactly what you wanted, but whatever it was, she was more than willing to provide it, you just had to say the word.  True or not, this look was more disarming than the most innocent child's face could be.  It didn't stem from a place of self-assuredness, she was in point of fact shy. She was so bitingly shy that her insides knotted, her stomach muscles clenched, if she thought anyone had even a hint of a notion that she was as shy as she was -- she worked over-time to conceal what she saw as her deficiency. It was more than that -- to her it was a defect -- an affront to the strong, independent, intelligent, capable woman she strove to be. Strength was only viable in out-going individuals, any thing else was failure - fear was a means to an ending she didn't seek.

And seek she did.  Some days her dreams were so large and far reaching that one human brain was much too small to contain them -- she had to share them, tell them, write them, sing and chant them to all who crossed her path. Other days her dreams were so small and humble that they felt entirely within her grasp -- so very close she thought she could smell them, just over the next rise in the road. But how could those pass as dreams? Dreams were supposed to be larger than life, epic even. How could a simple desire to be happy and not alone constitute something as meaningful as a dream?

Sometimes the way she over-compensated for her shyness was bordering on obnoxious -- and bordering in a way that was edging between obnoxious and obscenely obnoxious. She couldn't quite reel herself back in once it had tipped into those realms, though. It was like a locomotive that only went in one direction and had no breaks -- one just had to sit back and let it burn off its own steam, before it came to a stop -- even if that meant biting one's tongue in the face of an imminent wreck. Just how many such wrecks she had been through in her three decades of life wasn't really the sort of thing she kept track of. She just picked herself up on the other side and said a resounding "Whatever." In this case, synonymous to "next!" Resiliency was what her multitudes of therapists would call it. Survival was what she saw it as -- the vaguest notion of it, at least. She had been surviving her own existence from one bad decision to the next, intent on living to the fullest, even if it killed her.

Lately...

I've been sharing a lot of OTHER people's thoughts/work/writing on here .. part of that is because I don't want to lose it -- I don't want to just link to it and wake up one morning and the links be dead ...

.. part of it is because I feel a little lost inside my own head, and don't really know what to write ...

... part of it is because I'm afraid of what I've been thinking and putting pen to paper, or digital blip to the world will make it all very real .....

.... and a large part of it is not finding the time to sit down and sort out my thoughts in cohesive word form .......... it's all just jumbled in there and it takes so much EFFORT to make it make sense, for myself or others ....

I want to. I want to sort it out -- mostly for me, not for you!

I feel like I'm tipping the scales towards a truer, more authentic me ... in so many ways in my life .. finally being the me I've always wanted to be -- the me I'm excited to be in both my private AND public life ....

I know I owe a lot of that to someone I lost half a year ago ... and I know I have a hard time thinking about him still ..... I know I couldn't be where I am now without the freedom he gifted me ... without the unconditional love and acceptance we found together.

I'm apprehensive about opening myself completely to something like that again .. but sometimes it finds you when you're least expecting it?

Lately hasn't felt like it's made a lot of sense, but it's felt okay and real and like true progress is happening ....... I think I'm pretty good with lately :)

Fuck Yes or No?!

This is a great concept -- if you're not already on board, here's your chance to get on board:

Fuck Yes or No

July 8, 20138 minute readby Mark Manson

 

Think about this for a moment: Why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you?

There’s a grey area in dating many people get hung up on — a grey area where feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other. This grey area causes real, tangible issues. As a man, a huge question is often whether to be persistent and continue pursuing a woman even when she seems lukewarm or hot/cold on your advances. For women, a common question is what to do with men who make their feelings ambiguous.

“She said she’s not interested, but she still flirts with me, so what do I need to do to get her?”
“Well, I know she likes me, but she didn’t call me back last weekend, what should I do?”
“He treats me well when he’s around, but he’s hardly around. What does that mean?”

Most dating advice exists to “solve” this grey area for people. Say this line. Text her this. Call him this many times. Wear that.

Much of it gets exceedingly analytical, to the point where some men and women actually spend more time analyzing behaviors than actually, you know, behaving.

Frustration with this grey area also drives many people to unnecessary manipulation, drama and game-playing. This is where you get rules about making men pay for this many dates before you can become intimate. Or how men need to transition from attraction phase to comfort phase by qualifying three times before they’re allowed to commence an escalation ladder.

These things may seem clever and exciting to some people who are stuck or frustrated. But this dating advice misses the point. If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.

Let me ask again: Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?

What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?

You wouldn’t buy a dog that bites you all the time. And you wouldn’t be friends with someone who regularly ditches you. You wouldn’t work a job that doesn’t pay you. Then why the hell are you trying to make a girlfriend out of a woman who doesn’t want to date you? Where’s your self-respect?

The entrepreneur Derek Sivers once wrote a blog post where he said, “If I’m not saying ‘Hell Yeah!’ to something, then I say no.” It served him well in the business world and now I’d like to apply it to the dating world. And because I’m more of a vulgar asshole than Derek is, I’ll christen mine The Law of “Fuck Yes or No.”

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.

As you can see, The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” implies that both parties must be enthusiastic about the prospect of one another’s company. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them.

This may sound a bit idealistic to some. But The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” has many tangible benefits on your dating life:

1. No longer be strung along by people who aren’t that into you. End all of the headaches. End the wishing and hoping. End the disappoint and anger that inevitably follows. Start practicing self-respect. Become the rejector, not the rejected.
2. No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more.
3. Consent issues are instantly resolved. If someone is playing games with you, playing hard to get, or pressuring you into doing something you’re unsure about, your answer is now easy. Or as I often like to say in regards to dating, “If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.”
4. Establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them. Maintaining strong boundaries not only makes one more confident and attractive, but also helps to preserve one’s sanity in the long-run.
5. Always know where you stand with the other person. Since you’re now freeing up so much time and energy from people you’re not that into, and people who are not that into you, you now find yourself perpetually in interactions where people’s intentions are clear and enthusiastic. Sweet!

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is applicable to dating, sex, relationships, even friendships. You may have absolutely nothing in common with that bartender. But they’re hot and are interested in getting down. Is it a “Fuck Yes!” for sex? It is? Then game on.

Wrapped up in that sweet guy who treats you so well, except goes weeks without calling you and suddenly disappears after a couple drinks and a round of the horizontal polka? Been wondering if he really likes you? Do his excuses of being so busy all the time seem legit? It doesn’t sound like the answer is a “Fuck yes.” Then it’s time to move on.

Making out with a girl at your house and every time you go to take her shirt off she swats your hands away? That is not a “Fuck Yes,” my friend, therefore, it’s a no and you shouldn’t pressure her. The best sex is “Fuck Yes” sex — i.e., both people are shouting “Fuck Yes” as they hop between the sheets together. If she’s not hopping, then there’s no fucking.

(Hint Fellas: This is a great time to ask the girl why she’s not comfortable, and what she’s looking for from you. That, by itself — you know, treating her like a human and empathizing with her — often solves this “problem.”)

Want to date that woman you met last weekend but she keeps ignoring your texts and calls? Not sure what to say or do, especially since she seemed so happy to go out with you when you initially met her? Well, my friend, this is obviously not a “Fuck Yes.” Therefore, it is a “No.” Delete her number and move on.

Fuck Yes or No applies to relationships as well. My girlfriend works with a guy who got married because “it seemed like the right thing to do.” Four years later, he was cheating on his wife every chance he got. The marriage was not a Fuck Yes for him, therefore it should have been a No.

Sometimes The Law of Fuck Yes or No will apply differently on different levels. You may be a “Fuck Yes” for friendship with someone, but mildly excited to have sex with them. Therefore, it’s a no. You may be a “Fuck Yes” on banging someone’s brains out, but a definite “No” on actually spending any time with them. Apply the law to your decision-making as it suits your current needs.

Fuck Yes or No doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be falling in knee-wobbling love at first sight. It doesn’t even mean you have be completely convinced that someone is right for you. You can be “Fuck Yes” about getting to know someone better. You can be “Fuck Yes” about seeing someone again because you think there’s something there. You can be “Fuck Yes” about giving things a few months to pan out and see if you can fix the problems in the relationship.

The point is: both you and the other person need to be fuck yes about something, otherwise you’re just wasting your time.

A common Fuck Yes response from a woman. Flowers and all.

But the real beauty of The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is that it simplifies the problems you can have in your dating life. When applying the Law of “Fuck Yes or No,” there are really only two problems one can have.

The first problem is people who never feel a “Fuck Yes” for anybody they meet. If you are lukewarm on absolutely everyone you meet, then either your demographics are way off, or you suffer from a lack of vulnerability and are protecting yourself by remaining indifferent and unenthused by all of those around you.

Remember, it’s your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it’s not their job to show you. This is life, not a fucking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it. This doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with everyone who breathes in your direction. It just means you need to take responsibility for your ability to connect with the people you are meeting.

The second problem is people who never meet others who feel a “Fuck Yes” for them. If all of the people you pursue give you a mild response, or outright rejections, then it’s time to focus on improving yourself. Ask yourself, what is it about yourself that would inspire others to say “Fuck Yes” about you? If the answer is not obvious, then you get to work. Build yourself into a person others would say “Fuck Yes” to.

And this is the ultimate dating advice lesson — man, woman, gay, straight, trans, furry, whatever — the only real dating advice is self improvement. Everything else is a distraction, a futile battle in the grey area, a prolonged ego trip. Because, yes, with the right tools and performance, you may be able to con somebody into sleeping with you, dating you, even marrying you. But you will have won the battle by sacrificing the war, the war of long-term happiness.

PSA Uses Snacks To Show Difference Between Porn Sex and Real Sex

This is an important message!! Please read below:

PSA Uses Snacks To Show Difference Between Porn Sex and Real Sex

By Shelby L Thompson in Sex

This is the real world, people, and whether or not you watch porn on a regular basis, you may have noticed that sexy time is not always as hard-core, pleasurable, or even as interesting as it is seems to be in porn. Thanks to the kbcreativelab, we now have the true differences between real sex and porn sex explained with the colorful use of food!

Not only is this video delicious, but totally informative! Did you know that the average Porn Star penis is 6-9 inches while the average dude is closer to 5-7? And while "male performers can pump for days, in real life, 75% of men ejaculate within 3 minutes"? Wait, what!? That is not nearly enough time to get me hot and bothered!

TMI? Maybe.

ADVERTISING

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Watch to learn more, and I dare you to try and look at Nutella the same way again.

Vulnerability: The Secret Key To A Long-Lasting Relationship

I really wanted to share this article -- vulnerability is such a tricky subject. Often avoided and seen as a negative, it is actually something we all need to come to terms with...

 Vulnerability: The Secret Key To A Long-Lasting Relationship

By Terry Gaspard

It's the most important ingredient of a trusting, intimate relationship.

While self-sufficiency and autonomy can help us weather the storms of life, they can also rob us of true intimacy. For a relationship to be balanced, partners must be able to depend on one another and feel that they are needed and appreciated for the support they give. If we have been let down in the past, the prospect of needing someone can be frightening. Opening up to our partner can make us feel vulnerable and exposed, but it is the most important ingredient of a trusting, intimate relationship.
Vulnerability is often seen as a weakness, but it's actually a strength. Dr. Brené Brown, a renowned expert on vulnerability, explains that it's really about "sinking into" the joyful moments in life — daring to show up and let ourselves be seen. She writes, "When we shut ourselves off from vulnerability, we distance ourselves from the experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives."

In her landmark book Daring Greatly, Dr. Brown defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Given this definition, the act of falling in love is the ultimate risk. Love is uncertain. It's inherently risky because our partner could leave without a moment's notice, betray us or stop loving us. Dr. Brown cautions us that putting ourselves out there also means there's a greater risk of getting criticized or feeling hurt.

Take a moment to consider that you might be sabotaging relationship after relationship if you don't get to the root of your fear of being vulnerable. If you are afraid of showing weakness or exposing yourself to your partner, you might not be aware that your fear is preventing you from being totally engaged in the relationship. You might be freezing out the opportunity for love because you are afraid to let your authentic self shine and to share your innermost thoughts, feelings, and wishes.

What drives your fear of being vulnerable with your partner?

• Are you fearful of exposing parts of your personality that your partner may find unacceptable?
• Does keeping a distance make you feel safe and in control of your emotions?    
• Are feelings of shame stopping you from exposing your true feelings or talking about tough topics?
• Do you fear that your partner will abandon or betray you?

For many, a fear of intimacy may translate into testing a relationship by picking a partner who is wrong for them — people play it safe by distancing themselves. One of the first questions I ask my clients is, "What is it that stops you from being vulnerable and intimate with your partner?" Notice that I don't ask, "What do you think your partner should do differently?"

Surprisingly, most individuals answer, "I'm not sure." My response is that it's time to examine their fear of vulnerability and the ways they might be sabotaging their relationships. 

Recipe du jour...

I am currently participating in a 10 week trust group called "All Roses Have Thorns -- Exploring the Truth About Trust"... The activity we did last night looked at the elements I would require for a relationship to move forwards with... I thought I'd share some of those here, in no particular order:

- transparency
- safety
- comfort
- vulnerability
- reliability
- communication
- consistency
- honesty
- patience
- laughter
- positive energy
- clarity/understanding
- healthy boundaries

... and, of course, this would lead to the building of trust!

Are there any that stick out for you?

I've had trust broken in so many ways over my life. I think I often hide behind the cleverest of walls -- a glass one.

Growing up in an abusive household, I learned at an early age how important it was to keep myself safe, to protect my hopes and dreams from being trampled upon (sometimes quite literally)... but I am also a very enigmatic, charismatic, bubbly sort of person -- I LIKE to connect with people.... and the best way I could put up a wall to protect myself and still appear as though I was letting people in (even though I never truly was!) was to build a _glass_ wall (different from a window) so that I was safe on my side, but I could show everyone what they needed/wanted to see of me in order to form a bond, or make the connection. Only, at some point, without my realizing it, I became much like a caged animal in a zoo. On display, but never truly connecting with those on the other side ... never truly trusting enough to let anyone through -- but convincing myself that I was doing enough of my part by baring all....

I am slowly learning to disassemble that wall... carefully .. pane by pane ... and one day I hope I'll find people who value and respect me enough to allow me to be vulnerable and take baby steps towards learning what it means to trust.

For now.... I am still hesitant, but hopeful.

This

http://thewireless.co.nz/articles/the-pencilsword-on-a-plate