As you can see from the date of the conversation, I've been toying with whether I would post this log or not for a number of weeks now. Finally, I decided, while it is very personal, it is also integral to the healing process I am going through right now. The statements below are very black and white -- obviously there was more going on in my relationship with my father at the time -- he _was_ involved in my world, and we will both describe our perspective of our interaction quite differently .. but when boiled down to its essence, this really is how I often found myself feeling, even if I didn't quite understand it while I was younger .... so... here goes nothing:
[15 Nov 2010 23:39:10]
shiloh: ... whats going on ?
J: not much u
shiloh: same, I guess ...
shiloh: been in Barrie every other weekend ...
J: whats happening in barrie
shiloh: lots of fucking lately ... fisting.. beating.. snuggling ..
shiloh: also at home ...
shiloh: how is work? it slow down much yet??
J: a little
shiloh: ... do I get to see you again ?
J: sure if you like
shiloh: sure? .. if I like? .....
shiloh: yes, I want!
shiloh: or I wouldn't ask ...
shiloh: I don't understand why everything just .. died off ....
shiloh: I thought we had a great chemistry ...
J: me too
shiloh: you cancelled on me the night I was s'posed to come see you ...
shiloh: and you never attempted to reschedule ....
shiloh: and it isn't very easy for me to get out ..... what w/ sleeping beauty in the other room ...
shiloh: you're always welcome, after 10pm, to come here ....
J: ok one night this week
shiloh: I'd really like that
shiloh: I guess...... in wanting to call you Daddy ... I was looking for something I never could have w/ my daddy ... that closeness, that support and understanding ... uninhibited love ....... untangled warmth that brought about a sense of security I never felt growing up .....
shiloh: and instead .. it turned out so very much like how I really felt about my daddy -- like every other aspect of his life was more important than his little girl .... and nothing I did would ever be good enough to turn his gaze my way.
J: all is not lost, daddy still loves you
shiloh: I got into cars, star trek and computers for that man .. I spent hours educating myself about physics and the potential in time travel based on the expansion of the universe ....... and none of it mattered -- if I was doing the things HE was into, then he was around .. but if I needed him .. if I was falling ... he wouldn't even notice in time to catch me .....
shiloh: I fuck random men because I am so used to feeling used ... that sensation where, I'm only required for their immediate gratification and then I can be forgotten ....
shiloh: I grew up with it ... and as much as it hurts .. its still familiar ... its comforting in its familiarity ... I know HOW it hurts ....
shiloh: so I seek it out ... because it isn't scary, like other aspects of my life ....
shiloh: with you .... I wanted to rewrite that script.
shiloh: only it didnt work out that way.
J: i understand you sweetie
shiloh: ... maybe you understand, and maybe you don't ... I just needed to get the words out .... I wanted you to know, you hurt me ... but I'll only fade away if you want me to ... I always come back for more punishment, until there's no more to be had.
J: i need time to think
shiloh: you mean, you haven't had enough time already?? .... its been weeks
J: yes i havent
shiloh: okay, well, look me up when you have
shiloh: goodnight.
[23:53:01 Conversation closed.]
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Running Commentary Since Yesterday...
I'm such an intense person.. it has to be apparent to my daughter. I enjoy him here so much that she is of course going to pick up on my mood .....
Is it a good thing?
She likes him. The first thing she said to him on web-cam today, after a clipped "hi" was "I miss you!" ... !!! she's never said that of her own accord to any of my beaus! She even spoke to him on the phone last weekend (of course, she only said 'goodnight' but considering its difficult to get her to talk to her dad, or my mom or even me sometimes on the phone .. well!)
I'm scared!
This is so new .. so very very new .. and has all kinds of aspects to it that are entirely new to me -- they seem like they make sense on paper, but I've never had the opportunity to play them out in actuality.
Its strange -- I'm not really worried about where things are going for us .. but I'm worried about how it will all effect Kyla. She has such a hard time accepting me as a being other than her mommy. She is protective and loves me desperately. I worry about how she sees relationships and how her image of them will be warped by my own insecurities ... grrr! Parenting. The most important role of all existence -- one that is repeated ad infinitum ... and yet no one seems to get any really useful pointers -- every parent has screwed up since the inception of inception ......!
...
I've been in some shitty places over my life ... I've stayed with some shitty partners for all the wrong reasons ...... I've seen things I wouldn't want to relive ever again, and yet my nightmares refuse to give me the peace I so long for. There are men who pray on you, they make you feel like you're lacking and only they have the answer. My father was like this. It is a lot to carry, to have to work through. The layers of the abuse, of the damage, are so very difficult to sort out and peel away. What he did to me, to all the closest people who I care about, is horrifying, but I've come to realize, he is most likely a sociopath. So, I learn to push back and hold on... and keep pushing back and holding on... and to get help from people who really care about me.
This blog is a new step in my self-therapy. I choose to be open. I choose to tell it like I see it and leave nothing to guess work. There is that oft tossed around quote, about the definition of insanity being the repetition of an act while expecting a different result. This time I know I want a different out-come, I want something that lasts. I want something worth holding on to. I want someone who sees all of me because _I_ see all of me.
I will work through my garbage because _I_ am worth it, not because he is the one I want. I will work through my hurt and my pain and my self-loathing and my lack of self-worth and absence of self-esteem because _I_ want to be someone real, because _I_ want to be all of me.
If, in the process, I get to keep him, then I will rejoice in the synchronicity of life.... but it isn't about us, so much as it is about needing to finally be fully me.
my mind goes in odd spirals and circles and keeps jumping from place to place!
He is so good with her.. so good with her.... the first one, ever. THAT scares me, too. Whenever I have these sort of notions.
"fear is not the end of this"
floats across my mind, in the tune from the Live song.....
I told him I am terrified. He says he'd rather hear that I'm happy and euphoric. I am happy and euphoric -- this is why I am terrified!! I seek to control so much of my world on a daily basis and here is such an amazingly wonderful sensation that is entirely outside of my control. THIS TERRIFIES ME!
But I'll ignore it -- I'll ignore my fear, I'll ignore all the little booby-traps I've set for myself over the years that tell me to run because only pain can ensue from something that starts off feeling so very good................
I want to be here. I want to lose myself in his scent and find myself in his arms. I want to write volumes of poetry simply about the true shade of his iris. I want to write songs based solely on his kiss. I want to paint a multitude of canvases because he makes me explode when he explodes within me ..............
terrified? oh fuck yeah, I'm terrified .... and that is okay, because I'm happy and euphoric and not gunna let go ;)
Is it a good thing?
She likes him. The first thing she said to him on web-cam today, after a clipped "hi" was "I miss you!" ... !!! she's never said that of her own accord to any of my beaus! She even spoke to him on the phone last weekend (of course, she only said 'goodnight' but considering its difficult to get her to talk to her dad, or my mom or even me sometimes on the phone .. well!)
I'm scared!
This is so new .. so very very new .. and has all kinds of aspects to it that are entirely new to me -- they seem like they make sense on paper, but I've never had the opportunity to play them out in actuality.
Its strange -- I'm not really worried about where things are going for us .. but I'm worried about how it will all effect Kyla. She has such a hard time accepting me as a being other than her mommy. She is protective and loves me desperately. I worry about how she sees relationships and how her image of them will be warped by my own insecurities ... grrr! Parenting. The most important role of all existence -- one that is repeated ad infinitum ... and yet no one seems to get any really useful pointers -- every parent has screwed up since the inception of inception ......!
...
I've been in some shitty places over my life ... I've stayed with some shitty partners for all the wrong reasons ...... I've seen things I wouldn't want to relive ever again, and yet my nightmares refuse to give me the peace I so long for. There are men who pray on you, they make you feel like you're lacking and only they have the answer. My father was like this. It is a lot to carry, to have to work through. The layers of the abuse, of the damage, are so very difficult to sort out and peel away. What he did to me, to all the closest people who I care about, is horrifying, but I've come to realize, he is most likely a sociopath. So, I learn to push back and hold on... and keep pushing back and holding on... and to get help from people who really care about me.
This blog is a new step in my self-therapy. I choose to be open. I choose to tell it like I see it and leave nothing to guess work. There is that oft tossed around quote, about the definition of insanity being the repetition of an act while expecting a different result. This time I know I want a different out-come, I want something that lasts. I want something worth holding on to. I want someone who sees all of me because _I_ see all of me.
I will work through my garbage because _I_ am worth it, not because he is the one I want. I will work through my hurt and my pain and my self-loathing and my lack of self-worth and absence of self-esteem because _I_ want to be someone real, because _I_ want to be all of me.
If, in the process, I get to keep him, then I will rejoice in the synchronicity of life.... but it isn't about us, so much as it is about needing to finally be fully me.
...
my mind goes in odd spirals and circles and keeps jumping from place to place!
He is so good with her.. so good with her.... the first one, ever. THAT scares me, too. Whenever I have these sort of notions.
"fear is not the end of this"
floats across my mind, in the tune from the Live song.....
...
I told him I am terrified. He says he'd rather hear that I'm happy and euphoric. I am happy and euphoric -- this is why I am terrified!! I seek to control so much of my world on a daily basis and here is such an amazingly wonderful sensation that is entirely outside of my control. THIS TERRIFIES ME!
But I'll ignore it -- I'll ignore my fear, I'll ignore all the little booby-traps I've set for myself over the years that tell me to run because only pain can ensue from something that starts off feeling so very good................
I want to be here. I want to lose myself in his scent and find myself in his arms. I want to write volumes of poetry simply about the true shade of his iris. I want to write songs based solely on his kiss. I want to paint a multitude of canvases because he makes me explode when he explodes within me ..............
terrified? oh fuck yeah, I'm terrified .... and that is okay, because I'm happy and euphoric and not gunna let go ;)
Saturday, November 20, 2010
"Cocked, Locked and ready to Rock"
Nov 5: This is when it all started...
Nov 19: ...and this is when I knew for sure.
How can I synthesize my life down to mere pixels. You can read my words, digitized by light across vast distances, without ever actually having comprehension of the subtle nuances present amidst the varied rhythms of my catastrophic life.
I hate when I feel so much more alive, just because there is a male-oriented focus in my life. Formal education, career, projects, even child-rearing ... these things attract my focus, but never quite capture it.... and yet he has stolen me fully and completely. [Please do not misunderstand me, my daughter is the largest part of my life and I thrive on helping her thrive...... but it is her life in a lot of ways, her school, her health, her activities, her joys, her new experiences ...... what I'm talking about here is my life ..... something that has very much been on the back burner -- right next to non-existent -- for the last six or more years.]
I want; I need; I crave; I breathe the very essence of his being into my pores and I expel nothing; savor it all. Together creates, while apart merely rushes headlong into destruction.
If only I could make sense to myself. My inner disc is skipping every third note and I can't quite pick out the tune. I've heard something like this song before, yet it is unfamiliar, unique, untouched, unused, entirely uncontaminated by me -- it has a beat that quickens my pulse and envelopes my soul -- it is the way I feel when I am with him.
paper & pen journal excerpt: FR.11.19.2010
I feel safe, content, excited, tantalized.... like there are an endless possibility of opportunities at my fingertips. Wildly protective and vehemently proud -- ownership that comes with the responsibility. The nearest I can come to which describes the right feeling is the sense of 'home.'
//both soft and rough at the same time; caress and beat //
No matter how much I get, it will never be enough, never be sated, even inside his embrace.
hurt me, beat me, bleed me, scar me!!!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
a Letter to myself when I was Younger
Assignment idea: write a letter to yourself as the child you were when you were experiencing the abuse. Things you really needed to hear... lessons learned... boundaries.. "i love you" .. "it's not your fault" .. poem, picture, something supportive.
August 25th, 2009 [evening]
To myself at 13: Your fear is well grounded. You ARE worth more than a dare. Don't give it up so fast.
To myself at 16: You are young. You feel old because you are as old as you've ever been. You have your whole life ahead of you. One broken heart doesn't mean you have to shut down. You are beautiful and caring and people see the light that shines from within you and are drawn to it. Adults should know better.
You are not at fault.
Your tears should not have been an invitation for an adult's advances. Rape is rape. Just because you stopped saying no and went dead silent, doesn't mean he didn't take advantage of you. Find your voice. Tell someone! He must be stopped and as much as you hurt, it IS your responsibility to tell on him. It is not your issue to care about HIS wife and HIS kids. You are just a kid, too. He should have thought about it. He should have known better than to steal what wasn't his to touch in the first place.
You are beautiful. You matter. You are not alone. Someone, one day, will touch you in a way that doesn't make you feel like you HAVE to give in. You will, once again, want to be present when someone who loves you wants to touch you in a caring way. You matter. You MATTER.
Keep your voice. Use your voice. You are strong. No one has the right to quiet you. No one should take advantage of your feelings. Just because you've been kicked, doesn't mean the dogs can move in. You matter. Tell someone. Tell your mom. Yes, she will hurt for you, but she will hurt WITH you. She can't help you heal if you don't use your voice. Hurt together, not alone. You are not alone.
Signed,
Me.
August 25th, 2009 [evening]
To myself at 13: Your fear is well grounded. You ARE worth more than a dare. Don't give it up so fast.
To myself at 16: You are young. You feel old because you are as old as you've ever been. You have your whole life ahead of you. One broken heart doesn't mean you have to shut down. You are beautiful and caring and people see the light that shines from within you and are drawn to it. Adults should know better.
You are not at fault.
Your tears should not have been an invitation for an adult's advances. Rape is rape. Just because you stopped saying no and went dead silent, doesn't mean he didn't take advantage of you. Find your voice. Tell someone! He must be stopped and as much as you hurt, it IS your responsibility to tell on him. It is not your issue to care about HIS wife and HIS kids. You are just a kid, too. He should have thought about it. He should have known better than to steal what wasn't his to touch in the first place.
You are beautiful. You matter. You are not alone. Someone, one day, will touch you in a way that doesn't make you feel like you HAVE to give in. You will, once again, want to be present when someone who loves you wants to touch you in a caring way. You matter. You MATTER.
Keep your voice. Use your voice. You are strong. No one has the right to quiet you. No one should take advantage of your feelings. Just because you've been kicked, doesn't mean the dogs can move in. You matter. Tell someone. Tell your mom. Yes, she will hurt for you, but she will hurt WITH you. She can't help you heal if you don't use your voice. Hurt together, not alone. You are not alone.
Signed,
Me.
"I love you not because you do this or that; you are this or that. I love you."
Monday, November 8, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Munch much?
"In excited conversation we have glimpses of the universe, hints of power native to the soul, far-darting lights and shadows of an Andes landscape, such as we can hardly attain in lone meditation. Here are oracles sometimes profusely given, to which the memory goes back in barren hours."
How can meeting one person change so much in one single evening? A conversation that rolls through hours and actions and loses no momentum... such that the eventual parting would otherwise be merely bitter with no sign of sweetness save the knowledge that there will some day soon be another rejoining.
Engaging .. intriguing .... arousing.... no, I think the right word is 'infectious' ... like an infectious disease ..... I feel tainted, corrupted ... changed somehow; stained. Between every motion I've made in the aftermath of our meeting, between every thought, he has somehow slipped into my consciousness and I find myself looking, waiting, wondering why he isn't here in my present reality.
I'm a sucker.
I fall so very hard so very fast.
Do I think there is any other way? ... no, maybe not. I've always known within the first five minutes or less of meeting someone. I knew within the first three with this one, maybe less.
The biggest problem is, while I am fairly good with the first six of these good 'rules' for life:
- Be Impeccable With Your Word
- Don't Take Anything Personally
- Don't Make Assumptions
- Always Do Your Best
- Give credit where its due
- Find people better than you to better yourself
it is the last that often seems to cause me the most trouble:
7. Don't let someone become a priority in your life,when you are just an option in theirs
How do I stop being so very intense and rushing head-long into something I don't understand? How do I hold myself back from holding my breath until I can be holding him again?
How do I stop being so very intense and rushing head-long into something I don't understand? How do I hold myself back from holding my breath until I can be holding him again?
If only he wouldn't LOOK at me like that... ~/*swoon*/~
Thursday, October 28, 2010
My life under a microscope....
Health: while this category should, without selfishness entering the picture, truly be held as the highest importance... it almost always comes as an after-thought in my world, if even thought of at all. I am unhealthy in all aspects of my life. My body aches, mostly because of my weight, my eyes are suffering (somewhat due to my current medications, but not solely), my hearing apparently is still fine but seems less acute from my perspective and my mental health? oh don't even get me started on my mental health .... that'd require a book in and of itself, perhaps several volumes! Suffice it to say, my mind/heart/spirit are not very happy campers right now and are certainly considering jumping ship.
Family: ..always, always, always comes first in my life. Kyla is the focus of almost every action I take -- even to the detriment of my self-care.... my mother is my heart and my sister is my rock... without these two powerful women in my life, I could not carry on. Whenever I falter, I know that they will be here to lend me a hand up out of the pit, or a shoulder to cry on, or merely shine some light in an otherwise darkened existence. I often feel as though my mother has been saddled with a 30y/o infant and my sister has gotten the bum-deal of sisterhood... but they both do a wonderful job of assuring me that I am not merely a mar on their lives, and instead a true joy to know and love. They are two of my best friends and I wouldn't know what to do without them .... my dad on the other hand? I don't even know where to begin with my "daddy issues". This man is more intelligent than he even gives himself credit for (and believe me, he gives himself a LOT of credit!) but sometimes I think he fails to see the human-factor in a lot of things. Also, he has ruined me for relationship with any other life-partner -- no matter how I try, I will always compare their intellect and conversation ability to him, but, more on that later.... I love my dad, I just had to realize we are friends first and family somewhere much, much further down the ladder. His advice always comes with a "told-you-so" clause and he often misses the question while focusing on what he wants you to have asked. But even with all that, he has been a huge part in scaffolding who I am today and I love him deeply.
Friends: I don't have many, but those I have are more important to me than I could ever find words for. I am often harsh and blunt and can be brutally honest without apparent concern for others emotions. This isn't exactly true -- I do care, I just feel like sometimes having one person who is able to tell you the pure truth (from my perspective of course!) is better than a dozen who are willing to soften the blow by rounding out the edges and answering what you want to hear, rather than what you need to here. I've been told I "don't pull any punches" and that I "shoot from the hips" .... I'm not sure if these are really the euphemisms I want to be related to, but I can think of worse ones, for sure. I have been called obnoxious by more than a few people and I guess I can see where they come from .... I'm merely not willing to bend who I am to the will of the norm... I am me, no more, no less and if you can't handle it, then believe me, there are LOTS of other people out there to choose from .. but if you CAN? You will have found the ultimate in worthy friendships. I will be there whenever you need me -- granted, I will feel perfectly comfortable to ask for your help when I need it, too... just know that I wont feel affronted if you say no.. no is always an option, obligation is pointless.... I love my friends like family, and family always comes first ... plus, you can't exactly FIRE family ;)
Housing: Adequate. More than that, I'm not sure what to say. I am in cramped quarters. It is a one-bedroom apartment that my daughter and I share. We both have too much stuff for this place. There is _one_ closet. We share a bedroom, which will likely not be such a great idea in a couple years when Kyla is no longer six years old..... Why did I take this place? It met most of my requirements. It is on the main floor of a house, rather than in an apartment building. It has a yard. It is walking distance to Kyla's school (practically across the street). The rent is affordable and inclusive of heat, hydro, cable and wireless internet. The kitchen is excellent. AND the landlady lives upstairs (i.e. accessible for repairs/complaints) with her three kids, one of whom is 16 (potential babysitter?) and another is 6 (built-in playmate!) ... the worst things about living here, aside from the space issue... is that there is only street parking, which wouldn't be so terrible, if we weren't so damn close to Ivor Wynne Stadium, making game nights a sheer impossibility for parking! Am I happy here? Well, I am happy enough. I had considered staying put until Kyla is done eighth grade and moves on to a new school, but I think I'm going to have to look at the reality that by the time she is around 10, we are likely going to be living on top of each other and moving to a bigger place will have to be a serious consideration. But knowing that, means I can keep my eye open in three years or so for a larger place in the same neighbourhood, so she can keep the same friends and stay at the same school.
Employment: None. I am currently a recipient of Ontario Disability Support Program (ODSP). I have a diagnosis of Psychosis NOS, which does not help me very much. My doctor says it is more in line with schizoaffective disorder except all the testing says I am "too high-functioning" to suffer from something as simple to define as that diagnosis. I am currently suffering MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and I also exhibit symptoms of schizotypal personality disorder which is less enthusiastic of a diagnosis for me, since it brings to light what he likes to call my "magical thinking". I do not have magical thinking, simply because I believe in the real existence of telepathy and energy transfer and spiritual beings. I just took this online test and it has this to say about me --
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html
*shrug* if you know me, you decide .. if you don't? please don't let this stop you from wanting to know me!!! :) (how does this fit in under Employment? umn .. I dunno ... ?)
Leisure: gimme a sec while I look up the definition of this word ... I'll get back to you!
Relationship: none/single/wanting/lacking....
Sex: too damn much.
The roles I play
Mother: I'm doing the best I can... and that's about all I can do. I feel very unprepared for all aspects of single parenthood. Some days I think I've done a decent job, other days I think I've screwed my kid up for life. Mostly, I'm tired. I'd say I'm trying, but really, when it comes down to how important and significant this role is, trying is not enough. Some days I lament the way society does NOT honour this role and other days I kick myself in the arse because outward blame will get me nowhere fast.
Friend: I don't think I am a very good friend. I'm not sure I've ever really had any good friends to show me how its done. I will always be there and I will always put myself out for a friend, but I just don't think I know how this role works. My sister and my mother both have life-long, lasting friendships with numerous people. I only recently have met people that I'd like to know for the rest of my life, and yet, many of those relationships faded away when I moved out of Orangeville, and attempts to rekindle them have failed thus far. I want to be a better friend, but don't really know how.
Daughter: I am fairly certain my mom got a whole heck of a lot more than she bargained for with me. I love her to pieces and I am glad for our friendship above and beyond the relationship of mother/daughter. I often worry that I take advantage of her without even noticing...
Sister: I really think my sister got a crap-shot of a deal out of this one. She is truly my hero and I don't know what I would do without her in my life. Some days I feel so completely overwhelmed and with a few words across a phone-line, my sister is able to bring the insanity down into perspective, and I can move on again. I'm not sure what she gets out of this relationship, other than being able to be a really cool aunt to my daughter.... but I couldn't/wouldn't trade her for all the worlds.
Fiend:my oh my, where do I even begin with this one. I think I'll wait. I don't know what to say in a rational form about this right now.
Cat Owner: my poor poor kitty! I feel such guilt that I love him SO much and yet am often very lack on his hygienic needs/requirements. I'm fairly good about feeding him, and petting/cuddling him. But he also needs more play-time and I'm usually too busy or tired to bother. He loves to play fetch and we used to do it every night before bed... but lately I just can't seem to work up the interest... poor li'l guy.
My finances: none. Wait, that's not true. My finances are in the negative. I own a car I cannot afford to insure and I have a maxed-out VISA card I cannot afford to pay off. Apparently the world knows just how stupid I am, and hence gave me credit... great.
My dreams: none.
My goals: to complete a degree of SOME sort in school ... eventually?
My emotions: tumultuous.
How I see my current situation: hopeless. My greatest fear is that I'll live and that I'll live a long, long time. I want out. I want out of it all and none of it is ever going to let up. I am always going to be fat. I am always going to be poor. I am always going to be alone. I am always going to fight with my kid. I am always going to be unable to sleep. I am always going to have people only at arms-reach in my world. Do I see all things as black and white, no.. but I do certainly see all things in my world as unending and like black, swirling water that will soon swallow me whole.
How I think others see my current situation: Like somehow I am so very resilient and intelligent and capable... and I'll bounce back soon enough. This is just a small blip on the path, I've been through worse, I've come out the other side... I can do it again, if they just keep on cheering me on! Go team Cass go! .......
and now.. this entry is longer than it needs to be.... and I am going to bed. I will fill in the ones I skipped later-ish. Goodbye and have a good night!
Family: ..always, always, always comes first in my life. Kyla is the focus of almost every action I take -- even to the detriment of my self-care.... my mother is my heart and my sister is my rock... without these two powerful women in my life, I could not carry on. Whenever I falter, I know that they will be here to lend me a hand up out of the pit, or a shoulder to cry on, or merely shine some light in an otherwise darkened existence. I often feel as though my mother has been saddled with a 30y/o infant and my sister has gotten the bum-deal of sisterhood... but they both do a wonderful job of assuring me that I am not merely a mar on their lives, and instead a true joy to know and love. They are two of my best friends and I wouldn't know what to do without them .... my dad on the other hand? I don't even know where to begin with my "daddy issues". This man is more intelligent than he even gives himself credit for (and believe me, he gives himself a LOT of credit!) but sometimes I think he fails to see the human-factor in a lot of things. Also, he has ruined me for relationship with any other life-partner -- no matter how I try, I will always compare their intellect and conversation ability to him, but, more on that later.... I love my dad, I just had to realize we are friends first and family somewhere much, much further down the ladder. His advice always comes with a "told-you-so" clause and he often misses the question while focusing on what he wants you to have asked. But even with all that, he has been a huge part in scaffolding who I am today and I love him deeply.
Friends: I don't have many, but those I have are more important to me than I could ever find words for. I am often harsh and blunt and can be brutally honest without apparent concern for others emotions. This isn't exactly true -- I do care, I just feel like sometimes having one person who is able to tell you the pure truth (from my perspective of course!) is better than a dozen who are willing to soften the blow by rounding out the edges and answering what you want to hear, rather than what you need to here. I've been told I "don't pull any punches" and that I "shoot from the hips" .... I'm not sure if these are really the euphemisms I want to be related to, but I can think of worse ones, for sure. I have been called obnoxious by more than a few people and I guess I can see where they come from .... I'm merely not willing to bend who I am to the will of the norm... I am me, no more, no less and if you can't handle it, then believe me, there are LOTS of other people out there to choose from .. but if you CAN? You will have found the ultimate in worthy friendships. I will be there whenever you need me -- granted, I will feel perfectly comfortable to ask for your help when I need it, too... just know that I wont feel affronted if you say no.. no is always an option, obligation is pointless.... I love my friends like family, and family always comes first ... plus, you can't exactly FIRE family ;)
Housing: Adequate. More than that, I'm not sure what to say. I am in cramped quarters. It is a one-bedroom apartment that my daughter and I share. We both have too much stuff for this place. There is _one_ closet. We share a bedroom, which will likely not be such a great idea in a couple years when Kyla is no longer six years old..... Why did I take this place? It met most of my requirements. It is on the main floor of a house, rather than in an apartment building. It has a yard. It is walking distance to Kyla's school (practically across the street). The rent is affordable and inclusive of heat, hydro, cable and wireless internet. The kitchen is excellent. AND the landlady lives upstairs (i.e. accessible for repairs/complaints) with her three kids, one of whom is 16 (potential babysitter?) and another is 6 (built-in playmate!) ... the worst things about living here, aside from the space issue... is that there is only street parking, which wouldn't be so terrible, if we weren't so damn close to Ivor Wynne Stadium, making game nights a sheer impossibility for parking! Am I happy here? Well, I am happy enough. I had considered staying put until Kyla is done eighth grade and moves on to a new school, but I think I'm going to have to look at the reality that by the time she is around 10, we are likely going to be living on top of each other and moving to a bigger place will have to be a serious consideration. But knowing that, means I can keep my eye open in three years or so for a larger place in the same neighbourhood, so she can keep the same friends and stay at the same school.
Employment: None. I am currently a recipient of Ontario Disability Support Program (ODSP). I have a diagnosis of Psychosis NOS, which does not help me very much. My doctor says it is more in line with schizoaffective disorder except all the testing says I am "too high-functioning" to suffer from something as simple to define as that diagnosis. I am currently suffering MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and I also exhibit symptoms of schizotypal personality disorder which is less enthusiastic of a diagnosis for me, since it brings to light what he likes to call my "magical thinking". I do not have magical thinking, simply because I believe in the real existence of telepathy and energy transfer and spiritual beings. I just took this online test and it has this to say about me --
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html
*shrug* if you know me, you decide .. if you don't? please don't let this stop you from wanting to know me!!! :) (how does this fit in under Employment? umn .. I dunno ... ?)
Leisure: gimme a sec while I look up the definition of this word ... I'll get back to you!
Relationship: none/single/wanting/lacking....
Sex: too damn much.
The roles I play
Mother: I'm doing the best I can... and that's about all I can do. I feel very unprepared for all aspects of single parenthood. Some days I think I've done a decent job, other days I think I've screwed my kid up for life. Mostly, I'm tired. I'd say I'm trying, but really, when it comes down to how important and significant this role is, trying is not enough. Some days I lament the way society does NOT honour this role and other days I kick myself in the arse because outward blame will get me nowhere fast.
Friend: I don't think I am a very good friend. I'm not sure I've ever really had any good friends to show me how its done. I will always be there and I will always put myself out for a friend, but I just don't think I know how this role works. My sister and my mother both have life-long, lasting friendships with numerous people. I only recently have met people that I'd like to know for the rest of my life, and yet, many of those relationships faded away when I moved out of Orangeville, and attempts to rekindle them have failed thus far. I want to be a better friend, but don't really know how.
Daughter: I am fairly certain my mom got a whole heck of a lot more than she bargained for with me. I love her to pieces and I am glad for our friendship above and beyond the relationship of mother/daughter. I often worry that I take advantage of her without even noticing...
Sister: I really think my sister got a crap-shot of a deal out of this one. She is truly my hero and I don't know what I would do without her in my life. Some days I feel so completely overwhelmed and with a few words across a phone-line, my sister is able to bring the insanity down into perspective, and I can move on again. I'm not sure what she gets out of this relationship, other than being able to be a really cool aunt to my daughter.... but I couldn't/wouldn't trade her for all the worlds.
Fiend:my oh my, where do I even begin with this one. I think I'll wait. I don't know what to say in a rational form about this right now.
Cat Owner: my poor poor kitty! I feel such guilt that I love him SO much and yet am often very lack on his hygienic needs/requirements. I'm fairly good about feeding him, and petting/cuddling him. But he also needs more play-time and I'm usually too busy or tired to bother. He loves to play fetch and we used to do it every night before bed... but lately I just can't seem to work up the interest... poor li'l guy.
My finances: none. Wait, that's not true. My finances are in the negative. I own a car I cannot afford to insure and I have a maxed-out VISA card I cannot afford to pay off. Apparently the world knows just how stupid I am, and hence gave me credit... great.
My dreams: none.
My goals: to complete a degree of SOME sort in school ... eventually?
My emotions: tumultuous.
How I see my current situation: hopeless. My greatest fear is that I'll live and that I'll live a long, long time. I want out. I want out of it all and none of it is ever going to let up. I am always going to be fat. I am always going to be poor. I am always going to be alone. I am always going to fight with my kid. I am always going to be unable to sleep. I am always going to have people only at arms-reach in my world. Do I see all things as black and white, no.. but I do certainly see all things in my world as unending and like black, swirling water that will soon swallow me whole.
How I think others see my current situation: Like somehow I am so very resilient and intelligent and capable... and I'll bounce back soon enough. This is just a small blip on the path, I've been through worse, I've come out the other side... I can do it again, if they just keep on cheering me on! Go team Cass go! .......
and now.. this entry is longer than it needs to be.... and I am going to bed. I will fill in the ones I skipped later-ish. Goodbye and have a good night!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
five.double-you.aitch
"In your presence even my shadow acquires the sensation of touch."Oh ghawd... I once believed touch was the only reason to be corporeal. Now I can't be sure there is any good reason to be stuck here, in this stench of flesh, clinging to bone, grasping at the possible meaning of it all ....
I recently discussed a very simplistic philosophical concept with a new friend. All living creatures ask questions, the smallest insect, to the largest beast and the tallest tree. The five standard forms of inquiry: who, where, what, when, how ... e.g. who: is this a member of my colony or an impostor? where: which direction should I face my leaves to get the greatest sun exposure? how: is there a tool that opens this food I want to eat? ..... but none of the creatures of this planet, aside from homosapien, go so far as to ask 'why'. This is what sets us apart. The moment we began to question the working of things, the very nature of nature, we stepped off the cycle of natural order and into some sick and twisted parallel course.
I know this is not a new concept, but I do think of it as a very simplistic way to explain a very complex idea. Natural order of survival requires living beings to navigate the who, where, when, what and how of life.... it is in questioning the 'why' behind all actions and events that separates and divides humans from all that is natural.
I'm tired of asking why.... the problem with this question is not really in the asking, it is the expectation of a clear and concise answer; it is expecting a finite number of answers to any given occurrence of 'why?'
One why always leads to another why ... any four year old can show you this... and the frustration a parent feels in the unending path of this interaction should be a clear sign to us of the futility of such an exercise.
Why do I bother to wake up in the morning? Why must we die alone? Why does it hurt so much when I think of things lost and others unattainable? Why is there such a drastic divide between the have-nothings and the have-plentys? Why does it feel so good when we are touched.... and why does it feel like there is something missing when we aren't?
Why did I leave....
Why ask why???!
three.point.one.four.one.five.nine.two
"I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for"I found it and let it fade away. Screw that, it didn't fade, I chased it with murder in my eyes and terror in my heart. I eradicated it from my life so fully that I can find no trace of the other side, even after more than a decade of searching.
I have no closure.
I crave him. Who is he? nothing but a memory. There is no part of me that believes he can still be who I once loved, nor that I can ever be anyone he could stomach to be in the same room with. And yet, the part of me that openly purports not to even believe in hope, holds on to a strange, sharp shard of light, turning it and twisting it between my fingers, slicing my flesh and leaking the sanguine essence of my existence hither and thither without concern that it has the very real potential to run dry.
Who was he? Everything. Everything that ever mattered to who I am. Everything that ever felt right. He was my balance; my spirit; the very smile of my soul.
I have been holding my breath since I left him. Even the most beautiful moments of my life -- the birth of my child, her first smile, her laughter...... they have been experienced through a haze of deprivation. My heart does not beat with the same rhythm. Constricted. Confined. Crippled.
the utter simplicity,
the sheer impossibility,
the lingering memory,
the deep-seated need,...touch me!
and I shall be born again10:39p Oct 14, 2001
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Two Thousand And Five
From: worth1000.com
The rules of the game are thus: Write a story that includes a theft. Heart, object,... feel free to steal just about anything in this contest. (Except the prize.)
Word Limit: 1200 maximum, 500 minimum.
-Entry Below-
Syra copied and pasted the information dumped in her chat screen over to a notepad file on her desktop. She plugged her headset into the portable phone, cleared her throat twice and dialed the number.
"Hello, you've reached the AT&T Conference Center. Please enter the identification number for your pre-scheduled teleconference now," intoned the overly happy automated message.
Syra keyed in the five digit code and waited.
"The conference number you have entered is invalid, please try again or press '0' for operator assistance."
The voice grated on Syra, but she had expected this first minor hurdle. Choosing the option to call assistance, Syra immediately heard several clicks on the line while she was being redirected to an operator. She wasn't nervous -- not exactly. Syra was filled with anxiety that pumped her adrenaline to familiar and regularly sought levels.
"AT&T, this is Marlene speaking, how may I assist you?" came the butch-dyke voice across the line. Syra wondered why they all sounded like they hadn't been laid in a decade. Being a teleconference operator was her dream job, and she knew her own voice dripped sex-appeal whenever she spoke.
"Yes, hello Marlene, apparently there has been a miscommunication somewhere. My conference seems to have ended prematurely. I'm hoping you can help me with this inconvenience?" Syra used her most annoyed professional voice. She didn't want the operator to be defensive, but had learned from experience that being too friendly was sometimes suspicious.
"Oh my, that's terrible. Let me see what I can do for you. Can I get your conference number, administrators pin and the name it was registered under please?" responded the operator, in exactly the helpful tone Syra hoped for.
Syra rattled off the conference number, along with the users pin and two names she picked from thin air.
"I'm sorry Ms. Forde, is there another name under which this might have been registered? Also, you've given me the user pin, I need the administrators pin," replied the operator, still in the same helpful tone as before. This was promising.
"It might have been registered under Kim Chang? I'm not sure which of my secretaries set up the conference. That is the only pin I have here. Just one second, let me see if I can find another," Syra put a tinge of apprehension in her voice, but maintained her assertiveness as she shuffled around a couple loose papers on her bed-side table. "Look, I'm in my car, on my way to the office. Our PBX system failed this morning and all of our incoming calls are getting a recorded message that redirects them to this teleconference. My secretary just called to inform me it had been ended for some unknown reason. I'm going to assume that whoever set up the account initially failed to request the auto-extend feature."
"I really can't do anything for you without the administrators pin, at the very least," replied the operator, doing her job to protect the account.
"I understand that entirely, Marlene, but I'm hoping you can see it from my position as well. I generally work from home, taking calls from there, but without the PBX, I can't do that. Neither can any of my other field staff. There must be some way to get beyond this?" Syra knew the personal touch of remembering the operators name was a good approach. Allowing the solution to be put forward by the operator would give the woman with the dull life a sense of power in the current circumstances, false though it may be.
"Perhaps you could just give me the phone number used to set-up the account?" suggested the now eager to help operator.
Syra again rattled off some random digits that she knew to be in the Illinois area code.
"Uh, might there be another number?" prompted the operator, her helpfulness faltering slightly.
Lounging back on her bed, idly twining the head-set cord around her fingers, Syra knew it was time to regain her position. Careful to keep her voice civil and polite, yet also commanding, she stated, "Look, I have offices in Chicago, Los Angeles, Toronto and London. To be completely honest, I don't know if it was my secretary who set up the account or if she farmed it out to one of the interns. If that's the case it could have been picked up on the inter-office messaging system and been carried out from any of our continental offices. Frankly, I'm behind the wheel of my car, stuck in traffic and I need this to be fixed immediately, not whenever I can get in to the office. The longer we are unable to communicate with our clients, the more money we lose."
The operator took the bait and ran with it. Someone in her job position didn't want to think too much and certainly preferred to let others tell her what needed to be done. "What I can do for you, Ms. Forde, is add the auto-extend feature to your conference, as my system shows it ended less than an hour ago. If it had been longer, I would not be able to make any changes and you'd have to set up a new conference. I cannot give you the administrators pin, but if someone calls from the number on the account, we can confirm that from this end, and then give you the information you need."
"Thank-you so much, Marlene. All I need is for the conference to continue working. My understanding is that it will auto-extend until the last participant has left the conference?" Syra made sure to hide her feeling of triumph, instead only gushing relief at the stupid cow on the other end of the line.
"Yes, that is correct, Ms. Forde. Is there anything else I can help you with today?" asked the operator, returning to the comfort of her pre-scripted responses.
"No, no. That is all I needed. Thanks ever so much, you've just made my day," answered Syra truthfully.
"Thank-you for choosing AT&T," the operator finished with, before cutting the connection.
Though alone in the room, Syra was unable to keep the ecstatic smile from her face. She immediately dialed the teleconference number and keyed in the user pin. The conference chimed and then dropped into silence. Perfect. Jumping from her bed and returning to her computer desk, Syra clicked the mouse to reopen her Internet Relay Chat screen.
<Phreakess> that has got to be the stupidest security check I've ever seen
<Phreakess> a child of three could SE their way through!
<Phreakess> mwahaha!
<t00l4evr> you got it?
<t00l4evr> tell me you got it?
<ath0> of course she got it
<ath0> she's the best social engineer u ever heard!
<Phreakess> ath0, you just want in my pants, admit it!
<Phreakess> and yes, I got it!
<Phreakess> everyone can call back in now!
<pinkee> b there as soon as my dumb mom gets off the fone
<t00l4evr> 'hello you've reached the AT&T conference center'
<ath0> and don't you forget it!
<t00l4evr> ~*tzingg*~ oooh yeah, music to my ears! tty there guyz
The rules of the game are thus: Write a story that includes a theft. Heart, object,... feel free to steal just about anything in this contest. (Except the prize.)
Word Limit: 1200 maximum, 500 minimum.
-Entry Below-
Syra copied and pasted the information dumped in her chat screen over to a notepad file on her desktop. She plugged her headset into the portable phone, cleared her throat twice and dialed the number.
"Hello, you've reached the AT&T Conference Center. Please enter the identification number for your pre-scheduled teleconference now," intoned the overly happy automated message.
Syra keyed in the five digit code and waited.
"The conference number you have entered is invalid, please try again or press '0' for operator assistance."
The voice grated on Syra, but she had expected this first minor hurdle. Choosing the option to call assistance, Syra immediately heard several clicks on the line while she was being redirected to an operator. She wasn't nervous -- not exactly. Syra was filled with anxiety that pumped her adrenaline to familiar and regularly sought levels.
"AT&T, this is Marlene speaking, how may I assist you?" came the butch-dyke voice across the line. Syra wondered why they all sounded like they hadn't been laid in a decade. Being a teleconference operator was her dream job, and she knew her own voice dripped sex-appeal whenever she spoke.
"Yes, hello Marlene, apparently there has been a miscommunication somewhere. My conference seems to have ended prematurely. I'm hoping you can help me with this inconvenience?" Syra used her most annoyed professional voice. She didn't want the operator to be defensive, but had learned from experience that being too friendly was sometimes suspicious.
"Oh my, that's terrible. Let me see what I can do for you. Can I get your conference number, administrators pin and the name it was registered under please?" responded the operator, in exactly the helpful tone Syra hoped for.
Syra rattled off the conference number, along with the users pin and two names she picked from thin air.
"I'm sorry Ms. Forde, is there another name under which this might have been registered? Also, you've given me the user pin, I need the administrators pin," replied the operator, still in the same helpful tone as before. This was promising.
"It might have been registered under Kim Chang? I'm not sure which of my secretaries set up the conference. That is the only pin I have here. Just one second, let me see if I can find another," Syra put a tinge of apprehension in her voice, but maintained her assertiveness as she shuffled around a couple loose papers on her bed-side table. "Look, I'm in my car, on my way to the office. Our PBX system failed this morning and all of our incoming calls are getting a recorded message that redirects them to this teleconference. My secretary just called to inform me it had been ended for some unknown reason. I'm going to assume that whoever set up the account initially failed to request the auto-extend feature."
"I really can't do anything for you without the administrators pin, at the very least," replied the operator, doing her job to protect the account.
"I understand that entirely, Marlene, but I'm hoping you can see it from my position as well. I generally work from home, taking calls from there, but without the PBX, I can't do that. Neither can any of my other field staff. There must be some way to get beyond this?" Syra knew the personal touch of remembering the operators name was a good approach. Allowing the solution to be put forward by the operator would give the woman with the dull life a sense of power in the current circumstances, false though it may be.
"Perhaps you could just give me the phone number used to set-up the account?" suggested the now eager to help operator.
Syra again rattled off some random digits that she knew to be in the Illinois area code.
"Uh, might there be another number?" prompted the operator, her helpfulness faltering slightly.
Lounging back on her bed, idly twining the head-set cord around her fingers, Syra knew it was time to regain her position. Careful to keep her voice civil and polite, yet also commanding, she stated, "Look, I have offices in Chicago, Los Angeles, Toronto and London. To be completely honest, I don't know if it was my secretary who set up the account or if she farmed it out to one of the interns. If that's the case it could have been picked up on the inter-office messaging system and been carried out from any of our continental offices. Frankly, I'm behind the wheel of my car, stuck in traffic and I need this to be fixed immediately, not whenever I can get in to the office. The longer we are unable to communicate with our clients, the more money we lose."
The operator took the bait and ran with it. Someone in her job position didn't want to think too much and certainly preferred to let others tell her what needed to be done. "What I can do for you, Ms. Forde, is add the auto-extend feature to your conference, as my system shows it ended less than an hour ago. If it had been longer, I would not be able to make any changes and you'd have to set up a new conference. I cannot give you the administrators pin, but if someone calls from the number on the account, we can confirm that from this end, and then give you the information you need."
"Thank-you so much, Marlene. All I need is for the conference to continue working. My understanding is that it will auto-extend until the last participant has left the conference?" Syra made sure to hide her feeling of triumph, instead only gushing relief at the stupid cow on the other end of the line.
"Yes, that is correct, Ms. Forde. Is there anything else I can help you with today?" asked the operator, returning to the comfort of her pre-scripted responses.
"No, no. That is all I needed. Thanks ever so much, you've just made my day," answered Syra truthfully.
"Thank-you for choosing AT&T," the operator finished with, before cutting the connection.
Though alone in the room, Syra was unable to keep the ecstatic smile from her face. She immediately dialed the teleconference number and keyed in the user pin. The conference chimed and then dropped into silence. Perfect. Jumping from her bed and returning to her computer desk, Syra clicked the mouse to reopen her Internet Relay Chat screen.
<Phreakess> that has got to be the stupidest security check I've ever seen
<Phreakess> a child of three could SE their way through!
<Phreakess> mwahaha!
<t00l4evr> you got it?
<t00l4evr> tell me you got it?
<ath0> of course she got it
<ath0> she's the best social engineer u ever heard!
<Phreakess> ath0, you just want in my pants, admit it!
<Phreakess> and yes, I got it!
<Phreakess> everyone can call back in now!
<pinkee> b there as soon as my dumb mom gets off the fone
<t00l4evr> 'hello you've reached the AT&T conference center'
<ath0> and don't you forget it!
<t00l4evr> ~*tzingg*~ oooh yeah, music to my ears! tty there guyz
Friday, July 9, 2010
Civil dissent is not a conspiracy!
[previously posted to facebook notes]
With each day that passes, the sharp and distinct feelings -- rage, disgust and disappointment -- over the recent police actions in Toronto, fade just that much more. If the officials continue to control the pace at which these events will be "legally" dealt with, the public will sink back into blissful ignorance and the numbers opposing the leaders of this free nation (ha!) will dwindle. I refuse to let it go. This fire that burns in the pit of my stomach re-explodes every time I tentatively reach out to touch it. We, the people, must take back our country, our freedom, our rights -- before we no longer have the ability and mobility to fight.
The more I educate myself over the events that took place, by reading personal accounts or watching extended YouTube videos, the words to express the anger, sadness, disappointment, outrage, shock and utter disgust at the actions of police authority during the 2010 Toronto G20 mistake escape me. It would take a much better writer than myself to capture this deluge of emotions. I am not sure the digital equivalent of shaking my head, but somehow it feels as though that is really all I can do at the surreal comedy of errors which took place in Canada, the True North, strong and free.
The history of the Canadian national anthem, with versions changing over the years, is a good place to look for slogans of what it feels to be Canadian, the homogeneous message is clear:
1880 - Thy valour [...] Will protect our homes and our rights!
1906 - Defend our rights, forfend this nation's thrall!
1970 - [...] keep our land glorious and free!
In late June 2010, the 'Thin Blue Line' was spun into a noose by actions taken during the Toronto G20 mishap, and has now hung itself out to dry -- will Chief of Police William Blair take the fall, as the vocal showpiece of this administration, or will those who pulled his strings be forced into the public eye and held accountable for their decisions to trample the Canadian Charter?
It has been suggested that there is no proof for Blair's wrong-doings, however -- I'd like to suggest that video footage of him encouraging the non-existent 5m rule be tinder enough to allow all actions taken under his command during the summit spark the roaring fire in which his career has gone up in smoke. The following are comments taken from fellow Canadians who have signed a petition to have Blair resign.
[Ed. note: I may have edited for grammar/spelling, but at no point did I alter the message. I do not claim these points to be my own words, but certainly, many of them are things I have said already.]
- As a citizen I have the blood of our constitution on my hands.
- We have a duty to speak against this injustice.
- An erosion of accountability is followed closely by an erosion of trust.
- The officers who were put in this situation, where they were given free-range to trample the rights of individuals living in Toronto [need to be held liable to criminal charges for their documented and/or video recorded actions.]
- Are we living in a military state? Police are meant to be there to protect the public, not intimidate, beat and harass them.
- Blair's abuse of the powers of his station were shocking and totally unbecoming of a city official.
- The inexcusable actions by police leave me breathless. Illegal searches, imprisonment, sexual misconduct with female and gay arrestees, assaults of all shapes and sizes.
- The gentleman with one leg who was harassed, abused and had his artificial leg torn from him and detained with no reason. The young hearing impaired man who could not discern police instruction and was separated from his friend and consequently roughly arrested and detained with NO interpreter. The young man with cerebral palsy who was taunted and humiliated by police in the detention center. The older man who was paralyzed on one side and wet himself after being given no assistance to use the facilities. The speech-impaired detainee who was cuffed with hands behind the back, and unable to communicate for upwards of 20 hours. Are they seriously security threats that ONE billion dollars could not more appropriately address? These actions by police are inexcusable and there is no reason the police, provincial or federal government could use to justify the excessive use of force and the inhumane treatment of citizens of this country. These stories are only the tip of the iceberg and it is impossible to hide them all.
- The Law Enforcement Oath states: "On my honor, I will never betray my badge, my integrity, my character, or the public trust. I will always have the courage to hold myself and others accountable for our actions. I will always uphold the constitution my community and the agency I serve." Under the command of William Blair, the police force has broken every vow within that oath.
- The action of the ISU during the G8/G20 has brought nothing but shame upon the [entire Canadian] police force.
- A police officer who does not uphold the law and the rights of the citizens he serves, has no right to the badge he wears.
- William Blair - I can not believe the horrendous legacy of crushing people, and our civil liberties. Civil dissent is not a conspiracy.
- I am so ashamed to be Canadian today.
- Either he doesn't understand the Charter of Rights & Freedoms or he willfully ignored it.
- There was no call for the Draconian measures or flagrant disregard for human rights exhibited and apparently sanctioned by the TO Police during the G20.
- The tyranny the cops imposed is inexcusable and if we don't weed them out now we will all become the victims
- I am CONTINUALLY astonished of the stories coming out that flagrantly display massive abuse, torture and complete DISREGARD of our constitutional rights!! PUBLIC INQUIRY!!
- The more I read, the worse it gets. Scary.
- How could large numbers of Canadians turn a blind eye to this terrible story and still cling to the opinion that authorities acted responsibly on that dreadful weekend – or, worse, that merely by being on the scene everyone present was “asking for it”?
- Since the G-20 disgrace I no longer consider myself proud to be a Canadian. My Canada day was celebrated by an upturned Canadian Flag icon on my facebook profile with the statement, “Oh, Canada….”That doesn’t mean I will stop assembling, stop rallying and stop protesting though; if anything it will push me further to do so. Canada and Harper in specific allowed an atrocious nightmare to unfold without any concern on their behalf and unfortunately for them, people finally have noticed and are not happy with it at all. His actions backfired.One step closer to dissent within this country. An ugly event like this does not do much to promote peaceful protest, which it obviously condemned, but only armed struggle. Go, Canada, Go.
The petition we were invited to sign (which can be found here: http://chiefblair.resignnow.ca/this_is_my_right-1.html) included this quote: "I am a Canadian, free to speak without fear, free to worship in my own way, free to stand for what I think right, free to oppose what I believe wrong, or free to choose those who shall govern my country. This heritage of freedom I pledge to uphold for myself and all mankind." Many people chose merely to paste this as a comment. Choice is a choice word, but I think the key thing to remember is that freedom is never free -- what is your freedom worth to you?
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Canadian Antipathy?
[previously posted to facebook notes]
I'm still reading... and reading .. and reading .. in no particular order, this is some of it:
2) http://www.rabble.ca/blogs/bloggers/aalya/2010/07/black-and-white-and-rage-all-over
3) http://biseenscene.com/2010/07/03/criminal-conspiracy-maybe-but-did-anyone-have-a-stapler/
5) http://www.cbc.ca/canada/toronto/story/2010/06/29/g20-chief-fence571.html
6) http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/toronto/weapons-seized-in-g20-arrests-not-what-they-seem/article1622761/
and always: http://www.pressfortruth.com/
but most importantly are these words
"As the stories of the protests continue to emerge, my hope is the pre-digested reality spoonfed to us from the lips of leaders will break down enough for us to continue to feel, articulate and act on the momentum of our rage."
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Veja Magazine – Get both sides campaign |
Don't let that rage die out ... time can be a strong method to douse the flames burning in you now, but don't give in -- keep yourself informed and DISGUSTED at the acts that were carried out in the name of 'public safety'.
Don't allow the G20 to be your only anger -- look at the broader picture. Think about our children. Do we start the battle now, or leave it for their generation, after the other side has already been entrenched for decades. You decide.
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| freedom n 1: the condition of being free; the power to act or speak or think without externally imposed restraints |
Friday, July 2, 2010
The Year is Now 1984.
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| unity==strength |
[previously posted to facebook notes]
I can not believe how many "don't be there if it looks dangerous" and "stay at home" and "what did you expect" comments there have been in response to the G20 horror show in Toronto last week. I don't expect anyone to read this, I just need an outlet to EXPRESS something. My hands are tied, but my fingers scream across this keyboard, the only weapon I may ever possess. I admit to tears while watching the plethora of YouTube videos documenting this surrealistic comedy of errors. It boggles my mind that I have been so naive for so many years, to think I actually lived in a land of freedom of movement and freedom of speech. To think we as Canadians were somehow better off than our neighbours to the South. I admit to many more tears over the past week, while driving in my car, while playing at the park with my young daughter, while simply sitting and staring -- an act I am not well known for, but have found myself to be in more and more since news of the G20 events first were told.
I. Feel. Powerless.
Our Charter of Rights and Freedoms is a farce.
SecII: ... freedom of expression, freedom of the press and of other media of communication, freedom of peaceful assembly, and freedom of association.
Sec VII: right to life, liberty, and security of the person.
Sec VIII: right from unreasonable search and seizure.
Sec IX: freedom from arbitrary detainment or imprisonment.
and all capped off by Section I:
"The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms guarantees the rights and freedoms set out in it subject only to such reasonable limits prescribed by law as can be demonstrably justified in a free and democratic society."
DEMONSTRABLY JUSTIFIED.
People were walking home from work, home from dinner, out to gather with friends. People were exercising their freedom of movement and freedom of peaceful assembly ... and for using their Charter-given rights, they were aggressively approached, surrounded, psychologically attacked (as in told to go home, without being given a means by which to comply, and then arrested for non-compliance), and then detained without explanation for upwards of 20 hours.
This didn't happen to one, or ten people. This happened to at minimum, _ S E V E N _ H U N D R E D _ non-criminal bystanders. The criminals, or rather, the police express regret that innocent people were 'caught in the net'. If these were the odds of a fisherman's daily catch -- weeding out 700 of the wrong kind of fish, just to get 200 of the maybe kind of fish and 10 or 20 of the right kind of fish... he would not be employable for very long and his family would starve!
Heck, we even study the bystander-effect on children when related to bullying and how it can be damaging to the human psyche and future development. I certainly feel like these acts were done to my neighbours and my friends, not only my fellow Canadians, but merely my fellow human beings -- and I sat at a distance of 100km and did nothing. Could do nothing. Was powerless to assist.
How can we even consider "staying at home" as an option to AVOID what "was to be expected" from this event? Go to work, pay your taxes and don't make trouble, has been said (tongue-in-cheek) in previous comments. Does this sound like a democratic system? Did you invite the G20 to the center of Toronto? Did you choose to spend $1 billion (that we don't have) on so-called security measures which were used as a tool to harass the innocent? I certainly didn't, but then, no one asked me.
What is the solution? What is the recourse? For those who weren't even given paperwork to prove they were robbed of an entire day of their life and held in sub-standard conditions, what can be the recourse except multiple hours and dollars in long, drawn-out court appeals, which will never actually make up for the events that occurred.
The time for action has come.
If there truly are masses of people ready to take back their freedoms then we need to get organized, unify and choose to stop. As in -- stop using banks, stop paying bills, stop purchasing, stop giving them the means by which to control us, the money that funds their unwarranted expenditures and all-sweeping decision making.
I know its not really that easy -- you need a roof and ... electricity and food and running water, etc, etc, etc .......
But if millions can find a way to survive it in third world nations ..... why must we in the civilized (read: comfortable) world continue to be the fodder for their canons and funding all they do? We go to work, we pay taxes, those in power do what they want and when we disagree, they don't listen... but we continue to go to work and fund their decisions.
Getting educated about your rights is still important, but the time for getting ready to fight has come and gone. The fight is already upon us, and from the monotonous responses to the recent injustices, it is overtly apparent that long-standing propaganda and main-stream news agency are winning the silent war. Exercise your freedom. Words and placards and flowers and peace ... will get us nowhere, or, as we've just witnessed, will get us unlawfully removed and detained. ACTION is where its at, but nothing says it must be _violent_ action. Can it not simply be us saying enough is enough is enough?
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