[previously posted on xanga]
...and life prevails, regardless of depression and psychosis ...
stranger days could not have been than those of my recent history .. how to digest and move forwards -- who knows .. but of course, that's the only option .. no stopping now! their merry-go-round is spinning on all its axis' and no matter how loud I scream it wont stop for anyone!
but is there a light at the end of the tunnel? or is that as much a mirage as the tunnel itself? .. ahh ... the tunnel of birth .. mirrored in the tunnel of death .... or do we just start all over again, doomed to repeat the same existence on replay for all eternity?
but of course, time does not exist -- it is merely a mechanism of control... of communication .. of will-power .... can you stop the clock?
Monday, November 17, 2003
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
starving....
[previously posted on xanga]
| dizzzzamn! it's been FOREVER since I've been here .. hrm ........... I moved out of Guelph, into my 'rents place .... and now, I'm looking to move again for December first ... craziness! I needa settle down, yo!! I totally forgot I had this blog .. 'til someone dumped brandimcgee's blog URL in an irc chan ... ghawd, some ppl are just fckn STARVED for attention! anywho .. nothing exciting to say .. check out my website if you want to know whats up in my life .. hope you're all missing me like crazy! mwahahahahahaha! oh, and HAPPY HALLOWE'EN!! |
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
roommate.no.longer.needed!
[previously posted on xanga]
| wowie zowie batman! I havn't been home for a while .. but last time I was, xanga was down and I cudnt update any hows! buuut.. things seem to be running smoothly now! yay!! I've been staying at a friend's place a lot lately -- avoiding my roommate ... I havn't been home since last Thursday morning ... today I found out, finally, that my roommate is moving out for the end of September! That means ... I'm looking for a new roommate for the 1st of October, 2003! I live in Guelph, Ontario, Canada! soooo .. if you know anyone interested .. or YOU are interested .. drop me a line! I'm not sure how I'm going to be choosing this new person .. I sure did a fckn BAD job of it last time! But I have a year's lease and I cant exactly afford a 2bdrm apt all by myself! ... its $800 inclusive .. and I have Rogers cable internet that I pay $58.80+tax for .. soooo ... I'd be looking for the new roomie to pay $400/mo and $30/mo for 'net access if they wanted it .. (who doesn't want 'net access?!) I guess I'm gunna do up a nice li'l ad-like-thing and post it at the University of Guelph .. maybe someone else has had roommate problems and they're looking for a new place .. or just havnt found anything ... it sucks tho, that its for Oct .. most Univ. students will more'n likly already have a place .. *sigh* WISH ME LUCK! I'll NEEEED it!  |
Thursday, August 7, 2003
oi.
[previously posted on xanga]
| I think I'm ill ... I had a dream last night where I was actually updating this page .... there's just something WRONG about DREAMING about XANGA!!!!!!!!!!!! my boring life prevails .. nothing on the horizon but more crizzzap .. I'm tryna save up some $money$ so I can go on a li'l trip (you know who you are!) .. but I still owe my mom soooo much money from getting my car fixed .. *sigh* I feel like I'll never get outta this hole! .. AND .. I want to buy a webcam! :( My roommate stole my good one .. and I haven't been streaming for months now .. *sigh* I know I'm not this super hawt grrlie that everyone wants to watch .. but .. there's just something THRILLING about having 20+ ppl watching me do ABOSOfcknLUTELY nothing for hrs on end! :) And sometimes they even chatter at me! wooohoo! iont get it ... ever since I rearranged my bedroom (cuz I hadda move my shizznitch from the livingroom into my room when my roommate punked me, so I cud put a deadbolt on the door for whenever I go out) my kitty cat has been sitting at the base of my bookshelves and MEOWing up at them, as if there's SOMETHING he wants me to do/know/get ... I cant figger it out! I mean .. its been over a month now and he STILL does it! I feel like such a dorkwad not knowing what he is getting at! :( maybe I'll figger it out.. maybe I wont .. but either way, I thot y'all shud know about the frustrations in my life! :) hehe okay .. enuff boring drivvel from my fingertips .... cyz! |
Tuesday, August 5, 2003
reposted repostable repost!
[previously posted on xanga]
| [another older piece... dont feel like actually writing today] I woke up late in the game. It was about four months before my twenty first birthday. I hit my head hard on the way out and nearly shut down completely. There were others there to help me -- at least I think they helped, I'm not sure what else they did at the same time. They have chosen to be members of my past, for now, it seems. My name programmed response is Cassandra Jewell Henry and I am now nine days away from my twenty second birthday. It has been an incredibly confusing sixteen months and I'm not sure what the next nine days will bring but I'm sure the tenth of June will prove to be a very interesting experience. Most of this doesn't make any more sense to me than it does to you, but I'm going to try my best to clear that up as soon as possible, just try and trust me for a little while -- as if you've ever done that before in your life. Do you know what I mean by that? Trust? That part of you that lets go and allows someone else to be in control for a moment? The only way I ever came close to achieving it with another person was through love and drugs. I suppose in a way we put our trust in machines every day -- driving a car, microwaving a coffee, flying in a plane -- machines that could destroy us with one missed move and we use them on a regular basis. But have you ever trusted the word of another person and done so because what you were hearing was what you knew to be the actual truth? Well this time around I shit you not. I've been mulling this all over in my head for a good part of the past sixteen months, looking at it from all 7^1024 sides and I've finally come up with a pretty schnazzy explanation that not only makes sense but sounds pretty fun, too. I don't have all the backward inside information but I've sure got a lot going on upfront for me and I'm going to leave my foot stuck in the door and let you glance inside for a moment if you're willing. There's twelve of you. Not you as a whole, but twelve inside of you. They're the players of the ultimate game called you. When you were first conceived the artificial intelligence programming started and cell by cell you became a cube in the game of life. At your time of birth twelve entities were selected and somehow injected into your subconscious mind and became your life force. These players have 49.5% of the control and you as the game board have another 49.5% of the control. It is the final 1% of control that is left to chance and this is what you both fight for in every level of the maze that is your life. Every action has its reaction and ever day you live, you each grow closer to possessing that sought after 50.5% of control but because one can be divided in half for eternity, no one will ever claim it. This is what allows life to continue. The players of the game do not know they are a part of the game and the game board does not know it is a part of the game, however at some point this will change for one side or both and the game will get much much messier. Which side will be the stronger half? Which side can work faster than the other? Who can come closer to winning before the other side? How many digits of pi do you know? This is all known as the ultimate mind fuck. Game boards, or people like you and me, all exist on the same playing field as in a role playing game and can interact with one another. They may even form pairs or teams and work together to help or hinder one another. There are monsters to be fought in many forms on a personal and individual level -- example, sexual abuse or caner -- as well as grouped and global levels -- example, the depletion of the ozone layer or discovering the uncharted territories of the sea and outer space. The reason I spoke of trust is because this is the ultimate and sole link between one game board and another. If there is no trust than the flow of data will be tainted with untruths and ambiguities and neither side will ever learn anything from the interaction, thus gaining nothing towards whatever the ultimate goal of this game is. While all game boards are interacting on their own level, inside each person are twelve players interacting with one another to win a different game they play with one another. There are many levels growing within each human being and every stimulus from the environment changes the maze and creates new obstacles for the twelve players. These players, like people, can play together as teams or simply as individuals. The goal of their game and that which will end it, is the discovery of the piece of code that is imprinted in every human being upon conception that defines it wholly - otherwise known as a name. |
aliter-what-tion ?
[previously posted on xanga]
| sift softly sagging in a sea of self searching, severing senses senselessly seeing something sneaking slowly so soon shower sheer Sundays with sensory salvation sing to me and I will rejoice! |
Monday, August 4, 2003
[previously posted on xanga]
[excerpts from a previous journal ... just random thots, I guess]
10:36a EST Apr11/01
Why bother to write, when anything worth saying has already been said a trillion times over since the beginning of the written word?! Maybe I think the pattern of words I choose to write it in will somehow be JUST right to unlock the truth inside the human soul. Maybe I'll find the rhythm that no one has before and enough people will see the light to bring about a change in the human race.
Maybe... but I doubt it.
Pessimism is not necessarily a good foot to start a work of art on, but it is my only motivator; Love having been worn thin by the sand-filled winds of time -- not enough recognizable shards of glass left to have even a glimmer of hope at being glued back together again.
To write is to Sin.
I wonder how to take a vow of silence. Such strength in the ability to stand on your own and not need reassurance from other sinners around you.
Black on white, white on black, ink bleeding into the medium, however you see it, it is not meant to be.
they, whoever they happen to be, say that knowledge is power. But I say louder that ignorance is freedom, and who wants power when you can be free? King of the land of slobs or Isle of One; my choice has slipped away into a drug-induced frenzy.
The hardest challenge to conquer is love of self, but its not so far out of reach as one might think. Its as easy as simply being. Taking care of oneself and there you have your inner love. Treat yourself like your very own baby, because each day you are reborn, stored with the memories of all your previous daily encounters. Each 24hrs you have the ability to start fresh. Seven days for the seven different faces/masks you wear. Can you separate them? Me neither. Schitzophrenia is something diagnosed by elimination -- if you haven't got any of the other labeled "mental disorders", then you can (yes, CAN, like an opportunity) be skizo. But aren't we all?
I understand now why most diaries come with locks and only two keys. One for opening it by the owner and one in safe-keeping in case the first is lost, damaged or stolen.
In the era of the "INTERNET" and the "WORLD WIDE WEB", where you can sign on and read almost any number of on-line diaries and place your own, nothing is private, nothing left sacred to the owner. Memories are now as valuable as well-used facial tissue - full of holes and clumps of mucus. Why bother experiencing things on your own when you can just tune into someone else's life and learn from their mistakes? Television at its best. MTV had it right with "The Real Life" because that's what is flashed all over this "WEB".
I've always wanted the world to be together and interconnected and now it is, only there are a mess of personal computers and light years of cable holding everyone apart. Why bother getting together with a few of your friends for coffee after school, when you've got dozens more waiting at the other end of your keyboard?
In a society where we allow our children to ridicule and often physically beat each other, how can we say there is any love?
The parental unit is removed from the child during the most important growing years, instead of full-time supervision, which a child deserves for a minimum of the first twelve years of growing, they get sloppy-at-best partial supervision inside a system that is more concerned about their own pocket-book rather than the well-being of our races' future.
North-American Western society is a farce.
We flood the streets with garbage that people spend so much of their valuable time "crafting". A little girl has half a dozen broken Barbie dolls and 2 dozen outfits for them, rather than one well-made, cared for, CHERISHED doll that she has been taught it is her responsibility to take care of. We all have closets full of clothes we'll probably never wear because in order to keep industry going, fashion changes with the season, new colours, new shapes, new styles, new CRAP.
We flood our children's waking hours with visions on a box that teach nothing worth learning and by the age of 13 they're already popping out kids of their own that they're not going to take more care of than that REPLACEABLE Barbie doll they learned on.
*sigh* and yet, still all I do is write...
[excerpts from a previous journal ... just random thots, I guess]
10:36a EST Apr11/01
Why bother to write, when anything worth saying has already been said a trillion times over since the beginning of the written word?! Maybe I think the pattern of words I choose to write it in will somehow be JUST right to unlock the truth inside the human soul. Maybe I'll find the rhythm that no one has before and enough people will see the light to bring about a change in the human race.
Maybe... but I doubt it.
Pessimism is not necessarily a good foot to start a work of art on, but it is my only motivator; Love having been worn thin by the sand-filled winds of time -- not enough recognizable shards of glass left to have even a glimmer of hope at being glued back together again.
To write is to Sin.
I wonder how to take a vow of silence. Such strength in the ability to stand on your own and not need reassurance from other sinners around you.
Black on white, white on black, ink bleeding into the medium, however you see it, it is not meant to be.
they, whoever they happen to be, say that knowledge is power. But I say louder that ignorance is freedom, and who wants power when you can be free? King of the land of slobs or Isle of One; my choice has slipped away into a drug-induced frenzy.
The hardest challenge to conquer is love of self, but its not so far out of reach as one might think. Its as easy as simply being. Taking care of oneself and there you have your inner love. Treat yourself like your very own baby, because each day you are reborn, stored with the memories of all your previous daily encounters. Each 24hrs you have the ability to start fresh. Seven days for the seven different faces/masks you wear. Can you separate them? Me neither. Schitzophrenia is something diagnosed by elimination -- if you haven't got any of the other labeled "mental disorders", then you can (yes, CAN, like an opportunity) be skizo. But aren't we all?
I understand now why most diaries come with locks and only two keys. One for opening it by the owner and one in safe-keeping in case the first is lost, damaged or stolen.
In the era of the "INTERNET" and the "WORLD WIDE WEB", where you can sign on and read almost any number of on-line diaries and place your own, nothing is private, nothing left sacred to the owner. Memories are now as valuable as well-used facial tissue - full of holes and clumps of mucus. Why bother experiencing things on your own when you can just tune into someone else's life and learn from their mistakes? Television at its best. MTV had it right with "The Real Life" because that's what is flashed all over this "WEB".
I've always wanted the world to be together and interconnected and now it is, only there are a mess of personal computers and light years of cable holding everyone apart. Why bother getting together with a few of your friends for coffee after school, when you've got dozens more waiting at the other end of your keyboard?
In a society where we allow our children to ridicule and often physically beat each other, how can we say there is any love?
The parental unit is removed from the child during the most important growing years, instead of full-time supervision, which a child deserves for a minimum of the first twelve years of growing, they get sloppy-at-best partial supervision inside a system that is more concerned about their own pocket-book rather than the well-being of our races' future.
North-American Western society is a farce.
We flood the streets with garbage that people spend so much of their valuable time "crafting". A little girl has half a dozen broken Barbie dolls and 2 dozen outfits for them, rather than one well-made, cared for, CHERISHED doll that she has been taught it is her responsibility to take care of. We all have closets full of clothes we'll probably never wear because in order to keep industry going, fashion changes with the season, new colours, new shapes, new styles, new CRAP.
We flood our children's waking hours with visions on a box that teach nothing worth learning and by the age of 13 they're already popping out kids of their own that they're not going to take more care of than that REPLACEABLE Barbie doll they learned on.
*sigh* and yet, still all I do is write...
Thursday, July 31, 2003
stock options?
[previously posted on xanga]
how.. did he .. slip through my fingers .. before I ever even .. laid a hand on him? ... did I wait too long? Of course I waited too long.. why did I wait in the first place? I was scared... "Fear is not the end of this.." but it was the end of this ...
nothing weighs heavily as it fills my grasp to over-flowing
she touches him as I yearn to .. she looks upon him with her very own eyes and not through this mess of cybernetics as I must .. and yet I do not envy her, I only despise myself for being too late .. much too late ... too shy, too scared, too caught up with the bright lights and sparkling "things" of my self-crafted destruction ...
nothing presses my heart down deep into this pit of despair
I look on, wondering if maybe, just possibly, it will end before it begins .. and I can be the one to sneak in and claim the prize while no one is looking ... but what good would that do me, if he wasn't watching?!
nothing sneaks off with my soul, certain to sell high and buy low
how.. did he .. slip through my fingers .. before I ever even .. laid a hand on him? ... did I wait too long? Of course I waited too long.. why did I wait in the first place? I was scared... "Fear is not the end of this.." but it was the end of this ...
nothing weighs heavily as it fills my grasp to over-flowing
she touches him as I yearn to .. she looks upon him with her very own eyes and not through this mess of cybernetics as I must .. and yet I do not envy her, I only despise myself for being too late .. much too late ... too shy, too scared, too caught up with the bright lights and sparkling "things" of my self-crafted destruction ...
nothing presses my heart down deep into this pit of despair
I look on, wondering if maybe, just possibly, it will end before it begins .. and I can be the one to sneak in and claim the prize while no one is looking ... but what good would that do me, if he wasn't watching?!
nothing sneaks off with my soul, certain to sell high and buy low
'thrown'
[previously posted on xanga]
| resting my little butt on the edge of a razor holding myself together by a thought a prayer maybe tomorrow will bring a ladder so I can climb down from my precarious roost but someone once said tomorrow never comes so here I sit for all eternity on the throne of my own creation patiently awaiting that which will never happen and weaving tales of heroism and heroine for any audience I can claim with the knowledge that one day I'll get tired and have to take a seat. |
Sunday, July 27, 2003
Ramblings from a visit to Kentucky
I don't understand .. any of it .. I don't know what to
write .. but I feel like I should.. like this is the
only thing left inside of me to do .. to sit down and
write what is going on inside of me.. but I'm afraid of
what is going on inside so I don't want to put it to
actual words because I don't know what that could
possibly mean ... oh ghawd.. I miss my mommy and my cat
so much .. I wish I could be with them right now.. what
am I doing in KY when I really don't want to be here??
I like it here enough .. Brandon makes me feel good..
but why am I waiting 'til Thursday to leave when I want
to be home right now??? oh I'm silly.. I'm silly silly
silly.. and I can't stop crying.. I don't know what any
of it means.. I don't understand any of it.. I don't
think I ever have or that I ever will....
someone once told me that everything was going to be
fine and I believed them ... but what does it mean to
believe something? and who is someone? do I know the
answer to either of these questions? does it help me if
I do?? who knows.. who is who? what is what? yellow
scares me.. and I'm starting to wonder if maybe orange
does, too .. but I never understood purple.. and blue
confused me first......
I want to sleep .. but what happens if I sleep?? why
am I so afraid? what am I afraid of? things being what
my brain thinks they might be? but that can't be
possible.. it's just a brain.. it's a bunch of cells
together making this person .. and no one else believes
the things I say.. so why should my brain continue to
believe them... they're confusing and backwards and
just figments of a delusional mind.. that's all... but
can I really believe that? hardcore believe that? I'm
trying to .. very hard trying to .. I'm sad because I'm
afraid I DON'T believe that I'm just psychotic... it'd
be nice though, huh?
oh chaos oh bliss oh green bodies of my life.... slowly
crawl down my throat and invade my being.. give me
life... let me flourish under your care and learn
slowly....
I don't even know what I write anymore...
what do I write? can you see this? can you? do you
understand it? can you tell where I'm coming from? does
it make sense to you?? Brandon says it's just low
dopamine levels.. and it comes from doing too much E
... I'd like to believe that.. that'd be nice, too .....
why did I do so many drugs?! :(
why did I let my mom leave me in KY?
oh I miss her.....
what am I doing sitting at this computer and typing..
how is this helping me.. is it helping me any at all??
so many questions.. do I even want to know the answers?
no... I'm not really sure that I do .. I just ask them
because questions mean there are things left unknown ..
and unknown is good.. because it means there is still
more to discover.. and discovery is good because it is
something to do ....
what do I want to do? I want to sing and dance and be
merry! grr.. I want to stop being itchy .. why am I so
itchy when I get in a state like this?? siwwy siwwy
things.. bah!
is there more to write? or can I sleep for a while.....
still I wonder what happens when I sleep .. I'm SOO
tired though .. but maybe I've been sleeping too much
and that's the problem .. but I'm SOOO tired! I feel
like I've never slept before.. like my body is just
perched on the edge of sleep but never really gets to
get there.............
'cept I don't think I'm s'posed to go to sleep ... I'm
tired of writing... I'm tired of missing... I just want
to curl up, possibly beside Brandon ... and sleep for a
little while...
I'd REALLY like to curl up in my own bed with my kitty
at my feet and sleep for a long time.... that'd be the
thing to do ... I'll do that when I get home on
thursday ....
I need to call greyhound of Canuckia.. but I'm afraid
to .. because phonecalls are never quite what they
seem, huh?
fear is not the end of this!!!!
write .. but I feel like I should.. like this is the
only thing left inside of me to do .. to sit down and
write what is going on inside of me.. but I'm afraid of
what is going on inside so I don't want to put it to
actual words because I don't know what that could
possibly mean ... oh ghawd.. I miss my mommy and my cat
so much .. I wish I could be with them right now.. what
am I doing in KY when I really don't want to be here??
I like it here enough .. Brandon makes me feel good..
but why am I waiting 'til Thursday to leave when I want
to be home right now??? oh I'm silly.. I'm silly silly
silly.. and I can't stop crying.. I don't know what any
of it means.. I don't understand any of it.. I don't
think I ever have or that I ever will....
someone once told me that everything was going to be
fine and I believed them ... but what does it mean to
believe something? and who is someone? do I know the
answer to either of these questions? does it help me if
I do?? who knows.. who is who? what is what? yellow
scares me.. and I'm starting to wonder if maybe orange
does, too .. but I never understood purple.. and blue
confused me first......
I want to sleep .. but what happens if I sleep?? why
am I so afraid? what am I afraid of? things being what
my brain thinks they might be? but that can't be
possible.. it's just a brain.. it's a bunch of cells
together making this person .. and no one else believes
the things I say.. so why should my brain continue to
believe them... they're confusing and backwards and
just figments of a delusional mind.. that's all... but
can I really believe that? hardcore believe that? I'm
trying to .. very hard trying to .. I'm sad because I'm
afraid I DON'T believe that I'm just psychotic... it'd
be nice though, huh?
oh chaos oh bliss oh green bodies of my life.... slowly
crawl down my throat and invade my being.. give me
life... let me flourish under your care and learn
slowly....
I don't even know what I write anymore...
what do I write? can you see this? can you? do you
understand it? can you tell where I'm coming from? does
it make sense to you?? Brandon says it's just low
dopamine levels.. and it comes from doing too much E
... I'd like to believe that.. that'd be nice, too .....
why did I do so many drugs?! :(
why did I let my mom leave me in KY?
oh I miss her.....
what am I doing sitting at this computer and typing..
how is this helping me.. is it helping me any at all??
so many questions.. do I even want to know the answers?
no... I'm not really sure that I do .. I just ask them
because questions mean there are things left unknown ..
and unknown is good.. because it means there is still
more to discover.. and discovery is good because it is
something to do ....
what do I want to do? I want to sing and dance and be
merry! grr.. I want to stop being itchy .. why am I so
itchy when I get in a state like this?? siwwy siwwy
things.. bah!
is there more to write? or can I sleep for a while.....
still I wonder what happens when I sleep .. I'm SOO
tired though .. but maybe I've been sleeping too much
and that's the problem .. but I'm SOOO tired! I feel
like I've never slept before.. like my body is just
perched on the edge of sleep but never really gets to
get there.............
'cept I don't think I'm s'posed to go to sleep ... I'm
tired of writing... I'm tired of missing... I just want
to curl up, possibly beside Brandon ... and sleep for a
little while...
I'd REALLY like to curl up in my own bed with my kitty
at my feet and sleep for a long time.... that'd be the
thing to do ... I'll do that when I get home on
thursday ....
I need to call greyhound of Canuckia.. but I'm afraid
to .. because phonecalls are never quite what they
seem, huh?
fear is not the end of this!!!!
Thursday, July 24, 2003
two pairs vs. a full house
[previously posted on xanga]
I see your spade, and raise you two hearts and a diamond:
I'd like to be the stitches in your wound .. and the doctor that inserts them .. and the nurse that soothes them ... and the time that heals the flesh ... and the salt that accidentally burns it ... and the scar that leaves it mark............. (and the pain that caused it in the first place) ... (and the story you tell of how it happened) ...
9:04pm EST 07/22/03
-----
got tat'd today!! yayayayaya! picts to ensue as soon as the bloooood can be wiped away (bandaged for 24hrs.. so .. not quite yet!) .. oh, and I guess not 'til I can procure a digi-cam (since mine got stolen .. fckn fcknuts!) .. I love the way...... physical pain ... like that ... makes you unable to THINK -- my racing thoughts stop racing and my body thrills at the exquisite intrudence of sensory over-load!
if money is the physical personification of time .. and time doesn't exist ... how am I gunna find more money, and more time, to get more tats? hrm ... somehow, it'll happen!! mwahahahahha!
I see your spade, and raise you two hearts and a diamond:
I'd like to be the stitches in your wound .. and the doctor that inserts them .. and the nurse that soothes them ... and the time that heals the flesh ... and the salt that accidentally burns it ... and the scar that leaves it mark............. (and the pain that caused it in the first place) ... (and the story you tell of how it happened) ...
9:04pm EST 07/22/03
-----
got tat'd today!! yayayayaya! picts to ensue as soon as the bloooood can be wiped away (bandaged for 24hrs.. so .. not quite yet!) .. oh, and I guess not 'til I can procure a digi-cam (since mine got stolen .. fckn fcknuts!) .. I love the way...... physical pain ... like that ... makes you unable to THINK -- my racing thoughts stop racing and my body thrills at the exquisite intrudence of sensory over-load!
if money is the physical personification of time .. and time doesn't exist ... how am I gunna find more money, and more time, to get more tats? hrm ... somehow, it'll happen!! mwahahahahha!
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
love is...
[previously posted on xanga]
love is aching and needing and wanting and pleading .. love is tearing down walls and building windows .. love is touching, but never really touching -- Einstein says so! .. love is wanting the best for, but knowing you never can do anything about it.. love is believing the lies and swallowing the pride .. love is smelling sin and breathing smoke... love is knowing you never have to say sorry, but that you always are... love is grief and redundancy .. love is agony and remorse .. love is living, day to day, where no one pays your thoughts any mind, because they are, after all, your thoughts and you haven't the words to coalesce .. love is making a fool of yourself and REALLY making a fool of yourself .. love is never unconditional, unless you're me.
love is aching and needing and wanting and pleading .. love is tearing down walls and building windows .. love is touching, but never really touching -- Einstein says so! .. love is wanting the best for, but knowing you never can do anything about it.. love is believing the lies and swallowing the pride .. love is smelling sin and breathing smoke... love is knowing you never have to say sorry, but that you always are... love is grief and redundancy .. love is agony and remorse .. love is living, day to day, where no one pays your thoughts any mind, because they are, after all, your thoughts and you haven't the words to coalesce .. love is making a fool of yourself and REALLY making a fool of yourself .. love is never unconditional, unless you're me.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
wake.the.fck.up!
[previously posted on xanga]
I just can't seem to wake up ..... :/
Sunday night was .. excruciatingly painful to my cerebral cortex .. and I cant shake it from my tree... I should never have gone! I had to come back to the apt 3 times before I could actually go -- for things I had forgotten... THAT should have been lesson enough that I was not destined to go out Sunday night .. but nooo .. I'm too stubborn to even listen to the signs the world speaks at me (shouts at me .. SCREAMS at me!) .....
What happend, exactly, Sunday night? ghawd... nothing. Nothing and everything wrapped into one simple conversation that made little sense and tugs deeply at my soul (do I still have my soul? did he steal it? can he? no .. no .. ppl cant steal what is not rightfully mine to give in the first place .. but ... *search* *search* I cant seem to feel it anymore?)
and yesterday? I just could NOT wake up alll day yesterday .. I was sOOOoo tired! I even had a nap in my mom's bed, and I have creepiness issues about my step-dad (not cuz he's a bad guy, but cuz like.. he's new, and, his flesh/skin/dead-skin/etc is not really a part of my head-space, so like, laying between sheets he's been in.. well .. it just seems like a weird concept!) and yet I was SOOO tired I just crashed (yes, a moments thought about whose bed I was sleeping in passed thru my consciousness, but was swept away as soon as my head hit the pillow -- out like a light switch, literally!)
and this morning? its only (hrm, 10:23am EST) early and yet.. I still cant shake it! my kitty has been trying to wake me up for HOURS and I've just been idly petting him, to shush his me-ows, and then crashing back into my sleep-zone .......... *sigh*
LAST night .. I ... hrm .. lucid dreamed? Not like I've never done that before, but .. last night I was aware I was doing it .. well, not quite, only after I woke up was I aware .. but like.. it FELT creepy and I was trapped in my bedroom in the dark (someone told me you cant flip light switches in a lucid dream -- that turned out to be true for me .. but he also said something about digital displays being garbled, and my digital clock was quite prominent in my lucid dream, showing 12:47 on my horizon .. sooo .. I dunno exactly what that all says?)
ramblings ... *sigh* I've tried to keep this blog somewhat artistic and not mundane like this entry has been .. but ....
Sunday the fight just feels like it went right out of me...........
and someone else's blog I read today disturbed me a little, too .. sooo
I dunno .. maybe xanga isnt really the place for me... I usually just update my li'l website and whomever chooses to read it, they do, but there's no ... PRESSURE to perform .... *shrug*
hi.. how are ya? I'm fine.....
(I heard, while I was in the psych-ward .. thats F.I.N.E stands for "fucked-up interior, normal exterior" ... quite fitting, donchya think?)
I just can't seem to wake up ..... :/
Sunday night was .. excruciatingly painful to my cerebral cortex .. and I cant shake it from my tree... I should never have gone! I had to come back to the apt 3 times before I could actually go -- for things I had forgotten... THAT should have been lesson enough that I was not destined to go out Sunday night .. but nooo .. I'm too stubborn to even listen to the signs the world speaks at me (shouts at me .. SCREAMS at me!) .....
What happend, exactly, Sunday night? ghawd... nothing. Nothing and everything wrapped into one simple conversation that made little sense and tugs deeply at my soul (do I still have my soul? did he steal it? can he? no .. no .. ppl cant steal what is not rightfully mine to give in the first place .. but ... *search* *search* I cant seem to feel it anymore?)
and yesterday? I just could NOT wake up alll day yesterday .. I was sOOOoo tired! I even had a nap in my mom's bed, and I have creepiness issues about my step-dad (not cuz he's a bad guy, but cuz like.. he's new, and, his flesh/skin/dead-skin/etc is not really a part of my head-space, so like, laying between sheets he's been in.. well .. it just seems like a weird concept!) and yet I was SOOO tired I just crashed (yes, a moments thought about whose bed I was sleeping in passed thru my consciousness, but was swept away as soon as my head hit the pillow -- out like a light switch, literally!)
and this morning? its only (hrm, 10:23am EST) early and yet.. I still cant shake it! my kitty has been trying to wake me up for HOURS and I've just been idly petting him, to shush his me-ows, and then crashing back into my sleep-zone .......... *sigh*
LAST night .. I ... hrm .. lucid dreamed? Not like I've never done that before, but .. last night I was aware I was doing it .. well, not quite, only after I woke up was I aware .. but like.. it FELT creepy and I was trapped in my bedroom in the dark (someone told me you cant flip light switches in a lucid dream -- that turned out to be true for me .. but he also said something about digital displays being garbled, and my digital clock was quite prominent in my lucid dream, showing 12:47 on my horizon .. sooo .. I dunno exactly what that all says?)
ramblings ... *sigh* I've tried to keep this blog somewhat artistic and not mundane like this entry has been .. but ....
Sunday the fight just feels like it went right out of me...........
and someone else's blog I read today disturbed me a little, too .. sooo
I dunno .. maybe xanga isnt really the place for me... I usually just update my li'l website and whomever chooses to read it, they do, but there's no ... PRESSURE to perform .... *shrug*
hi.. how are ya? I'm fine.....
(I heard, while I was in the psych-ward .. thats F.I.N.E stands for "fucked-up interior, normal exterior" ... quite fitting, donchya think?)
Sunday, July 20, 2003
recipes for disaster
[previously posted on xanga]
recipes for disaster
too little, too late
too late to love
a little love is never too late...
07/19/03 11pmish EST
(alternate ending "its never too late to love a little")
recipes for disaster
too little, too late
too late to love
a little love is never too late...
07/19/03 11pmish EST
(alternate ending "its never too late to love a little")
2B
| [previously posted on xanga] to BE to KNOW and to DO says he .. (who is he? well.. it doesnt really matter.. since he isnt really anyone I know, but I read what he had to say .. and it seemed pliable at the "time" .. ?) I am .. I know ..and I think to "do" is redundant of I "am" ..... but at the same time, there's an equally disproportionate differential on the directly opposite side of the truth that is not the un-truth but merely the truth mirrored upon itself .. the opposite of a truism is not a lie .. because they don't look the same in the mirror? I'm confused again. I just want to dance in the rain and sing in the breeze and pet my kitty and make devil eyes at that boy who I cant get out of my mind.............. I'm lonely.. I'm looney .. I'm over the top and somewhere down near the bottom .......... I want to hold your hand, as you hold mine, and we walk into the light together.. the deep, darkness of the light..... and I want to smile when I frown at the things that cant be found in the moment that our eyes first connected........ --- I want to eat McD's fries.. but they're not on my diet .. and I want to be attractive (to me, not to you, to ME!) ... so I'm on this very restrictive diet .. that actually works .. but .. it makes me not enjoy food..... but some days I think enjoying food is some form of sin, so its better to learn to eat for survival and not for pleasure ... or something? .... *sigh* |
Saturday, July 19, 2003
quotables...
[previously posted on xanga]
"The fearful are often holders of the most dangerous power. They become demoniac when they see the workings of all the life around them. Seeing the strengths as well as the weaknesses, they fasten only on the weaknesses."
pg.42 The Jesus Incident F. Herbert B. Ransom
"The fearful are often holders of the most dangerous power. They become demoniac when they see the workings of all the life around them. Seeing the strengths as well as the weaknesses, they fasten only on the weaknesses."
pg.42 The Jesus Incident F. Herbert B. Ransom
Friday, July 18, 2003
repeats itself ad infinitum
| [previously posted on xanga] it happend again.. I really, truly, thought last time was enough .. that there WOULD BE NO _this_ time again ..... but .. it happend again.. why is it that I always put myself into situations where other people can take advantage of me? maybe I should re-name myself to Mat, since everyone walks all over me any way [hardideharhar] .......... maybe I just shouldn't have a name, then people couldn't address me and I wouldn't meet anyone new and I wouldn't have to worry about me letting them hurt me ....... cuz that is it, isn't it? People don't just HURT other people.. they hurt people that let themselves be hurt ......... I think?  ----- Mirror mirror on the wall I'm not the fairest of them all but if you said I give good head then that would be a good call! |
Thursday, July 17, 2003
r.i.g.h.t.h.e.r.e. (where I should be)
[previously posted on xanga]
| if only I knew how to leave a little piece of my soul _R I G H T H E R E_ for you ..... so you'd know .. truly .. how much it has meant for me to have you, even the tiniest bit of you, in my life .... thus far if only I knew how to leave a little piece of my heart _R I G H T H E R E_ for you .... so you'd know.. deeply.. how I wish I could express the things I dont even understand that I feel for you .. already if only I knew how to leave a little piece of my mind _R I G H T H E R E_ for you .... so you'd know .. maybe.. how I need you to continue caressing my aching frontal lobes while I am gone.. for tonight... ..... and in the same breath ... your breath .... read the previous blog entry ... *chuckle* "oh how I draw pictures in the sand .. glorious pictures.. only to watch the tide come in and drag them out to sea for no one to see but me and me, without the possibility of you" |
[previously posted on xanga]
| a farce, I tell you .. its all one big farce -- on my heart, on my soul, upon my very eyes ..... *le sigh* where do I go to find enough HD space for all the lies of my life? I say I'm afflicted with honesty, but that's just another lie to myself in the mirror ... I think I'm beautiful somedays, but how can someone so ugly be beautiful to anyone else? oooh, I mean ugly from the soul-deep .. not skin-deep.. who cares what I look like, I didn't get together with ghawd and decide how my cells would procreate and form themselves into the fractal that is me......... but oh the lies.. the lies that eat me alive from deep deep down in my heart -- the ones I tell to myself are the worst .. the deception.. the hatred.. the only way I've ever known how to live ... to pretend to believe and yet to know none of it is real and still wake up the next morning as though every second mattered somewhere.... and then to be brave enough to shed a tear for the fear of living here in the waste of our space in a haste to pace ourselves... oh I'm stealing again, can you see it? did you see me steal those sentences from somewhere that wasn't mine? but I like to own things, even if they dont exist in actuality, the fanciful fantasy falls forward from frothy forever mores ........ and yet mimicry is a form of flattery, n'est pas? I dont care .. I care too much .. I never cared.. I always cared .. I'll remember to care right after I finish this next sentence, k? I love you, I hate you, I need you, please go away, it's all happening and it never happend and who do I tell what to ... and .. and .. why bother... oh bother, said pinnie the wooh and piglet smiled too! |
poetry in the making...
[previously posted on xanga]
 "I got shot today"what a careful web of deceptions our society weaves upon itself ... the strong and the mighty can be found hiding in the dark and the weak and feable minded carrying the guns trickery and deceit of ones own intelligence .. to make stronger by climbing on the backs of others only to fall in the final hour with understanding of all that is wrong. it matches itself throughout the generations and none have learned to open thine arms and embrace your brother from across the battle lines drawn so carefully upon the sands of time... |
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
visionaries......
[previously posted on xanga]
(pardon my sharing of this with the world, if you will?)
"for all the earths weight in gold .. for the china that fell when the wall was built .. for the final swing of the pendulum .. for the softest touch between two lovers and for the coin that wasn't head nor tales ... I see you"
9:20p 07/15/03
The Things That Irk Me:
[previously posted on xanga]
- not being able to single-space in this li'l window here.. grr.. ;)
- being alive
- having feelings
- being restricted by language when trying to express my feelings to others
- being overweight and funny-looking and knowing that as much as I shudn't care about the fckheads who judge me on that, I still do... :/
- not being able to read TOC's mind
- government (ha!) and society (double-ha!)
- bugs (insect and technological)
- my waste-of-oxygen roommate
- lists that were meant to be short but somehow ended up longer the more I thot about them and cudn't quite quit typing!!!!!!!!!
and out of the days of yore she wandered
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
I haven't quite gauged which way is up.. if direction is even possible in the centrifugal universe we call existence ... I've moved.. again .. to Guelph, its great, it really is .. I just don't know what to do with myself, with my thoughts, with my feelings for people who are out of my reach, for people who are out of my realm, and for those who are in my daily life...
I'm sad.. I'm scared.. I'm paranoid and cranky .. and I'm not even high! I am actually drug-free .. (with the exception of clove cigarettes!) .. no prescription drugs .. no street drugs .. no drugs .. and yet .. yet .. I'm still sad, I'm still scared.. and I'm incredibly lonely... I wish my cat spoke human, or I spoke cat better than I pretend to ... :(
(continued!!)
| [previously posted on xanga] blankness bothers me in ways I only wish I had words to describe -- because then I wouldn't feel at such a loss.. but this page.. this new "xanga"thang .. is blank and dark and.. and.. I havnt any words to fill it with, but I feel the URGE .. the inner NEED to keep writing these little ity bity pixels to fill the sheer and utter blankness that is this page........... does that bother you? |
a beginning....
| [previously posted on xanga] ..and I arrived.. by means of a databyte, whatever THAT is .. but I'm here and I think I'll stay for a while.. I'll take my shoes off and see how the sand feels on my toes .... ahh, toes .. can I type with my toes? notyetisay... but soon, soon things will happen and I'll do the things I'd never thought impossible 'til they occured to my fractured imagination... ..where am I? what am I doing here? did he beckon me or did I dive in head first, forgetting to break the surface of the water with my hands and knocking myself out in the process? ......yes, I'm here..... will you stay? |
Monday, July 7, 2003
Metalli-fucking-ca!!! July 5 Summer Sanitarum TOUR!
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
well.. I'll start by saying that Metallica was fckn incredible .. they played an awesome set .. certainly topped the evening off .. but I have to admit, I think the Deftones really stole the show (at least, for me!)
the night started at 3pm with MUDVAYNE and it just didnt stop rocking! Deftones, Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, and finally at 10:30pm Metallica!!
I have to admit, I had myself a nice li'l trip from all the second-hand smoke.. but I survived it (hahah!) and I'm here to talk about it!! -- SOOO much has happend for me in the last month that I dont even know where to begin, so I wont, and I'll come back to all that much much later! For now - keep on rockin' and write me some e-mail to let me know you're still reading this site, and I'll update it! :)
I have to admit, I had myself a nice li'l trip from all the second-hand smoke.. but I survived it (hahah!) and I'm here to talk about it!! -- SOOO much has happend for me in the last month that I dont even know where to begin, so I wont, and I'll come back to all that much much later! For now - keep on rockin' and write me some e-mail to let me know you're still reading this site, and I'll update it! :)
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
telepathy can be a hard mo'fo!
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
Well .. I watched X-Men II the night it came out with my bf and some friends .. it was pretty fckn incredible ... (the fact that we were sitting with our faces practicly glued to the screen cuz there were no better seats by the time we got there didnt help much .. but!) .. y'know the scene in the beginning at the museum when Gene Gray gets all messed up and hears voices and has a li'l "episode"?? Well .. THAT was almost exactly what happens to me when I goto large gatherings of people in public places .. Maybe I'm telepathic? Telepathetic is more like it .. *sigh*
I've been accepted into the Homewood program as of tomorrow for a 6wk course on how to be human again after suffering from PTSD and other similar things.. Should prove interesting if nothing else! :) I'll keep ya updated, I shud have access to the 'net from there :) So feel free to e-mail me while I'm gone! :)
Monday, May 5, 2003
ever just feel like you're falling.. forever?
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
somehow I dont feel like I fit in anywhere I go.. I have small concepts of numerous groups .. and I poke my nose in where I think it might not get bit off --- and instead of that happening, it just gets very very cold and I slip away into my dark pit of self loathing and self-hatred....
I'm really not such a bad person to know, y'know? .. so how come no one really wants to know me? :(
I feel so very misunderstood. I've managed to be brutally honest with everyone I've ever considered a friend and they've all left me in the dust .. maybe honesty is hard to face, I don't know because people are never honest to my face ... I seem to scare people away with my imagination and ideas, too ... funny.. that was the one thing that kept people coming back for more when I was little...
Thursday, May 1, 2003
..dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
Well.. I've made the temporary move from Orangeville to my mother and step-father's house in Brampton. I'll prolly only be here for the summer.. but that's still a long time! *le sigh*
It's strange the decisions we make to better our lives.. sometimes they seem to be in all the wrong directions, but then in the end, you're always in the place you're meant to be... I dunno, I'm confused and tired.. but I do have some good plans and I'm trying to stick to my guns!
My goals:
- correct my sleeping schedule
- get on the right medications
- stop smoking cigarettes
- restart my diet and stick to it
- save money!!
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
to you and you and you and you!
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
Sometimes everyone just needs a helping hand and last year when I discovered the Spark of Brilliance program I was a little weary, but after attending several of their night groups, I found that this was an outlet I could really get into. The only problem is they're in Guelph, which is about 45 mins from me on a good traffic day! (and I'm not too keen on driving alone)...
So I opted to help their efforts in a different way and worked instead on their webpage! I think the site that's there (while out-dated) looks great! I havnt really "felt" like working on it lately, so I'm trying to retire it over to a new publisher, but I feel a little loss at the ability to communicate my ideas. Things should go smoothly in the transfer though!
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
could we have given it away any faster?
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
Well.. so much for my predictions. With a devastating final score of 6-1 it seems only fit that the Leafs are out. But they had so much potential! *sigh* I wonder sometimes just how fixed sports leagues are... but you didn't hear me say that! *blush*
Monday, April 21, 2003
.. Lumme passes and... GIVES IT AWAY!
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
Even only being a Leafs fan for 2yrs .. I admit I'm getting tired of hearing that line up there :) But since tonite, in double overtime, Greene scored and forced Philly into the seventh game... I figured it was only relevant for me to talk about hockey and my experience with it ...
Predictions: Leafs over Flyers.. LEAFS over Sens..
LEAFS over NJ/Tampa.. LEAFS TAKE THE CUP!
Well.. whatever it takes to bring the cup back to CANADIAN rule! But then, I dont watch hockey if its not Leafs Hockey, so my bias is notable! Slowly I've been getting into the rhythm at my house of ppl coming to drink and play darts and WATCH THE GAME! and then the playoffs come along and hockey night gets extended. I cant say I mind -- its been great to meet these people (Kyle's friends) and to learn about hockey and how it works -- now I can follow the game instead of just getting dizzy watching the puck!
so I'll leave it at this: *** GO! LEAFS! GO! ***
Thursday, April 17, 2003
and after a nice sleep, he came back for more!
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
FAWK! Either vi is corrupt, or someone came in and deleted this entry.. I dont get it! I had this nice li'l dity about ghawd and religion and wicca and shizznitch .. and now its GONE! Something screwy is goin' on here! Oh well.. instead of my nice li'l Easter msg .. you get this replacement! BLAH! :(
Thursday, April 10, 2003
The best things in life are free!
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
I cant possibly stress that enough! Ghawd I love my life sometimes.. I've had a really rough weekend so far, I'm glad it's almost over. I was silly enough to do something thats not very good for me (smoke green!) and I had a nasty little schizo-episode.. Kyle was really sweet to me and helped me through it. I think he found out some things he hadn't been aware of .. and we worked through them. I think I'm in a much better head space right now than I have been for several weeks. It's really important to cherish the special parts of life.. and I cherish Kyle...
I think I'm going to do a change of location for the summer, just to kick-start my ass into gear... I'll talk more about that later though..
I've really been working on upgrading my music knowledge and my mp3 collection has certainly grown.. I'm going to add a music section to this site very soon! It's the only thing I can really think that's been missing, other than maybe a booklist, but that would take a very long time to compile!
I've really been working on upgrading my music knowledge and my mp3 collection has certainly grown.. I'm going to add a music section to this site very soon! It's the only thing I can really think that's been missing, other than maybe a booklist, but that would take a very long time to compile!
Tuesday, April 8, 2003
raking my brain
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
Sunday, April 6, 2003
w.a.l.s.t.i.b
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
..and I'm never sure when it stops.. sometimes it flickers into my consciousness quicker than I can even grasp, and its only later I become aware of vague memories from when it was there...
so I wait.......
does that even make any sense? does anything I write ever make sense.. *sigh* who do I write to, why do I write, does anyone listen? am I going insane or am I slowly going sane? I cant seem to differentiate between the two...
soon, it says, soon .. soon it comes and we wait... patiently? no, I think it's because we haven't a choice ... we must merely wait....
Wednesday, April 2, 2003
the evil man rears his ugly head again
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
Well.. it's tax season! In fact, tax season is about to come to a close (at the end of this month) and I havn't even begun to piece together the mess that is my taxes! *le sigh* Will someone help me please?!
I've been playing around with some of these pages, adding some here, taking some away there .. and I added the new main page for METALLICA!!!!
We are going to have a BLAST at that!! ohmighawd Limp Bizkit, Deftones, Lyncoln Park, and the ab-so-fckn-lute show stopper M E T A L L I C A @!@#!@#@!!@$!@$
hehe.. if you find something broken on the page that wasn't broken before, feel free to drop me a line and let me know!
Monday, March 31, 2003
Many happy returns!
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
I drove to the airport in Toronto this morning for 7 o'clock! But it was well worth it -- my sister was returning from B.C. where she's been visiting our Aunt for the last 2 weeks! Considering I'd only seen her for one day prior to her most reccent trip, whence she'd been gone for 3mos to Thailand... so I was VERY willing to rise early for this occasion! Unfortunately, she's heading to Montreal next weekend for another 2wks! She's such a globe-trotter and I'm so jealous!
One of my passions in life has always been traveling and I partake whenever the opportunity presents itself.. Lately, however, funding just does not permit travel! *sigh* I've looked at a school in Victoria, British Columbia for some time now.. its a course to become a Registered Massage Therapist and I think it is only 3,000 hrs so it could be done in 2yrs... I just dont know where I'd get the funding for it .. bah! being broke sucks! damn all those ppl born with a silver spoon up their a$$!!! GRRR! (no, no animosity here!!!)
Thursday, March 27, 2003
...and soft it falls upon the page
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
nothing thrilling and exciting to report.. just been an average kind of day and an average kind of week.. received some e-mail from an old friend today -- it wasn't very inspiring, but maybe it was a bit of closure.. *sigh* I hate when you get quoted as having said something, but its taken completely out of context! Some things mean entirely different meanings when they're surrounded with different words....
On a happy note, today is my step-brother's 12th birthday! Yay! I've only had this extended family since Nov 11th of 2002, so I dont know them very well and dont know very much about them -- my mom got married quick, she met the guy in March and married him in November, but they're very happy and he's really wonderful for her! The kids live with their mother and are only over twice a week and odd weekends, but they're pretty schnazzy! (I dont live with my mother, either, so I dont see them often at all!)
.. unfortunately, it's all been said and done before!
Sunday, March 23, 2003
Little Robin red-breast
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
Wish I had a pair of yellow rain boots! I'd love to go splashing in the puddles that are swarming around my neighbourhood. Spring is certainly in the air and the grass is green under the snow! (mmm.. green grass! hehe *devilish grin*) But even so, my spirits seem low.. I think its the snow melting, its the gray skies, its the rain and the drizzle... I think its the new meds, too -- they've upped them again and I think its making me tired!
I decided that Homewood WOULD indeed be a good experience and I've filled out all the neccessary documentation to be admitted... now I just have to play the waiting game and see when they let me in! It's terrible the way it upsets your life to take 6wks away from everything else you're doing -- but its worth it!
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Journal entry #10
not that anyone cares other than me, but I've been doing really well on this diet.. I'm 1/3 the way to my final goal.. I should be done in July and be one hot li'l number! yay me! hehe :) (okay, so, we all have our dreams.. let us have them!)
little else is new... we're prolly getting really good seats for the Metallica concert, but I shudnt be telling you this, cuz it'll prolly jynx us! blah! so I'm going to flash you with a big*FNORD*
go forth and procreate as yee see fit .. for thine are the chosen ones...
little else is new... we're prolly getting really good seats for the Metallica concert, but I shudnt be telling you this, cuz it'll prolly jynx us! blah! so I'm going to flash you with a big
go forth and procreate as yee see fit .. for thine are the chosen ones...
Saturday, February 15, 2003
Journal entry #9
okay, okay .. so .. I was really harsh in my last entry .. I can tend to be a total bitch when I dont get my own way ... blah .. I'm lucky he still loves me thru all my ups and downs ..
I've been having a lot of craziness go on for me in the past while ... I dont know what to say about it .. but its certainly been a long strange trip of ours...
I've been having a lot of craziness go on for me in the past while ... I dont know what to say about it .. but its certainly been a long strange trip of ours...
Monday, February 10, 2003
6 weeks
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
I've been talking with a counselor of mine, and she's suggested something that would certainly add some spice to my mundane life. There is a six week Trauma program at Homewood in Guelph and she thinks I would learn a great deal from it. I know that I've suffered a lot over my past and haven't really taken the time to deal with those events and I could see where I would benefit from a program such as that... however there are drawbacks! While I would be able to come back here on weekends, it does make for a very long time away from home .. from my boy-toy and my cat .. from the things I am used to. I was in at Homewood two years ago when I first came home from California -- it wasn't a horrible experience, as psych wards go .. the food was great, the staff was friendly and Homewood itself sits on beautiful grounds, plenty of walking space and close vicinity to the town. I could also get back in touch with some of the outfits I do volunteer work for, since they base themselves out of Guelph .... so many ups and downs, good and bad reasons .... I'll certainly have to do some thinking!
Friday, February 7, 2003
Journal entry #8
Well .. my bf is officially a cunt .. grr.. he hates that word so he'd hate if I called him that .. but fck!
Since we got together, we've talked about going to a schnazzy concert together .. and he's talked about how he'd love to goto another Metallica concert .. well .. now they're coming back to town for the summer and I ASSUMED I'd be going with him .. but no ..they're getting a bus and its an all guys nite out ... FUCK THAT ... I mean TOTALLY FUCK THAT .. what a mother fckn dick .. I hope he enjoys his fckn concert without me .. fck :/
Saturday, February 1, 2003
Journal entry #7
okay, so its morning.. and I shudnt be awake, but I am.. oh joyous of occasions it must be ... actually, its just another boring Saturday morning with nothing to do but sit in front of the computer alone while everyone else sleep ... yippi skip.. I'm a lucky frog ... blah
lately I haven't been doing much of anything, so why bother to write .. its just one of those lives ....
if anyone cares, and I'm sure they don't, I started this schnazzy diet in Nov of last year and I'm doin' really well on it.. so like, drop me a line and congrat me or sumfin .. cuz like, I could really use the encouragement ......... *sigh*
maybe more some other lifetime.. maybe not .. we'll see.. happy trailz!
Monday, January 6, 2003
Bitter Cold
[from casstastrophe.com blog]
Well.. I finally did it .. I fell! OUCH! I slipped on some ice at the front of my apartment building and fell down the 4 or 5 steps to the front door. Of course I was carrying groceries and coffee and my purse and EVERYTHING went flying! To my pride though, I didn't spill the coffees! But it hurt so bad, that I couldn't even get to my own two feet and I had to use the cell to call my bf and have him come help me up! I felt SOO silly! The leg has some minor surface wounds, but appears to have swollen up nicely -- at least I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday, he'll know what to do!!!
Thats all for now. See you on the other side.
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