a torn journal entry

I ask my higher self to talk to Phil's higher self to see where we're at an to request that Phil initiateve the conversation that I am having such a hard time getting us into.

The last couple weeks have been lovely.  I don't know if we can m ore into something lovingly supportive without the titles and definitions.

I perhaps am just short-sighted but I do not see nor feel a supportive future between us.

I know a relationship takes work, I just feel like I work too hard at this one with little to show for it.

I care about him so very much though... so, now what?

a torn journal entry

I feel like I can't even bring myself to write about my life.  Like somehow putting it to paper makes it more real -- too real.  I am lost with no way out.  I am stronger than I think & dumber than I give myself credit for.  Where am I trying to go from here?  I don't really have a clear picture of what I want.  How am I supposed to manifest my own destiny if I can't get past immediate gratification?

I want to lose weight. So why do I keep cheating on my best chance? Why am I not more angry at myself for cheating?

Do I want out of this relationship or can I stop duffering in it?

i don't know.

a torn journal entry

"feeling uninspired, guess I'll start a fire"

I've been trying lately. Really trying. I'm not sure at WHAT exactly, but I've certainly been trying.

Kyla comes back on Sunday.  I missed her SO much this time around.  I feel like I've been trying to distract myself from her not being here, more than trying to enjoy the break from care-taking for her. Note to self: DO LAUNDRY! :)

I want different furniture.
I want more tattoos.
I want to pay my mom back.
I want to rearrange my bedroom.
I want to do more crafty-art things.
I want to play board games w/ Kyla.
I want to go to the park more.
I want to walk more.
I want to take Kyla swimming more.
I want to eat less.

<3

Let it go.

I'm only so strong
I can hold on forever
but I can't figure out how to let go

I've been keeping the pieces
held together
with a hope and a prayer
for so long,
so long,
they're all fused there

but nothing is where it belongs.

I'm a mess and a wreck
and I'm running on fumes
I'm telling myself
I can do it -- at least, "I think I can. I think I can."

But if its all uphill
and there's no down but the end
how can I hold on
without any breath.

I'm drowning in the sea
of my own reflection
I'm drowning in the pit
of my own intention

I'm no one to me,
but I'm someone to her
and I can't make the images align

I'm alone and alive
I'm alive and alone

Why wont anyone hear
when I call in the night.

If I let it all go....

then what happens to me?


-- 3:35pm July 10, 2013

a torn journal entry

How do I tell him that I feel like I am the one who made the mistake by thinking he could be mature enough to handle the responsibility of a relationship like ours? My life is full of required routine and expectations. I have responsibilities that I simply cannot put off ... I feel that he doesn't meet me on a level playing field -- he is smart, just not lived-experience full (if that makes sense). I should have known better. It is my own failing - that I don't value myself enough to date someone my own age. I feel like I am not good enough. I need to be single until I stop feeling that way. But how do I explain that without hurting him? It isn't a lack of love - it is a lack of connection. We don't fit. But he will take it personally :(

1in4: Stress much?

The thing about having an organization that is run entirely on a Volunteer basis, is that when someone gets busy with unexpected things in the rest of their life, it is often (sadly so) easier for them to let the responsibility to that volunteer position wan… and in Domestic Violence healing, one can never really know when “something big” is going to come up and put you out of commission entirely.
The great thing about being an organization of survivors for survivors is that we get it. We’ve likely been there or we can envision what it would be like if our story had gone that way.  So when a fellow survivor says “I need some time off” or “I just can’t do that” it isn’t entirely unexpected, and we not only have the compassion but also the empathy to truly understand the reasoning behind the need to withdraw.

All that being what it is, 1 in Four has temporarily lost our Calendar liaison. So I have spent a very intense week of installing new software (something that was on the back-burner for a while, but seemed to make the most sense since we were starting afresh now) and scrambling to get all the information entered for the groups going on.

This post isn’t about the stress that our volunteer organization is having.  I wanted to write about some of the healthier ways I am handling that stress.  I came across a great article in my Doctor’s office the other day, and it encompassed a lot of what I would like to share, so I am going to quote pieces of it for you:

Neary’s article says: Mindfulness meditation is a technique for slowing down and examining one’s thought processes, and learning to be “in the moment.”

Neary goes on to quote John Kabat-Zinn who describes the “seven attitudinal qualities that underpin mindfulness practice”:

1. Non judging — being open to an awareness of the stream of thoughts we are having, and being aware of the way we tend to automatically judge and react to our thoughts. Kabat-Zinn calls this “a stance of impartial witness to your experience.”
2. Patience — an understanding that things emerge in their own time including your ability to practice mindfulness.
3. Beginner’s Mind –  a willingness to see everything as if for the first time, and avoiding the fog of preconceptions.
4. Trust — developing a faith in the validity of one’s own thoughts, feelings and intuition. Mindfulness practice offers a structure and a process for enabling one to witness personal experience without judgement.
5. Non-Striving — an attitude that allows the present to be the way it is. Non-striving is “having no goal other than for you to be yourself as you currently are.”
6. Acceptance — this is an openness and willingness to see things are they actually are in the present moment.
7. Letting Go — during meditation, we need to develop an ability to acknowledge arising and passing of experiences without become entangled in the content of it.

Neary says the key is that “the focus should be on your breath.  Breath in for the count of four and exhale to the count of eight. Your mind will wander to current issues in your life. Be aware of these thoughts without judging them, and then bring your focus back to your breath.”
The article goes on to talk about the other places and ways we can be mindful, like in the shower, when eating or when walking. To take time, slow down, focus on our breathing and our specific surroundings.

Mindfulness meditation helps me to bring mindfulness into my everyday life activities. With these methods, I find that I am able to take on a task one piece at a time, without being overwhelmed by the entirety of the project.  I can break it down into immediate steps and breath through them, crossing off each step as I go, so that I can visualize my progress.

Is there something you are having a hard time pinning down?  Perhaps taking a few moments to practice these mindful “attitudinal qualities” can help you get into a short meditation, and then you can journal about what came up for you.  Remember, if you are triggered by where your thoughts go, there are 24hr crisis lines you can call (the Hamilton ones are listed across the top of our page). Never feel like you are alone or like you can’t reach out for help.

Take a deep breath — and now it is time for me to get back to work!

Quotes from “Relax and recharge with Mindfulness Medication” by Dave Neary from the April 2013 Vol 1 Issue 3 of Health, Wellness & Safety Magazine

1in4: Change takes time...

I sat down to write a blog about change, and the idea that for any solid change to become rooted within us, it takes about 3 months…. and then I thought about how important it was to be accurate with the information I’m giving out to readers. The 3 month statistic came to me from an Anger Management therapist (a course I took when I first learned I was pregnant and knew that I had deep-seated anger issues, stemming from witnessing abuse between my mother and father when I was younger, something I did not want to pass on to my child).  I thought I’d just take a moment and find a link to back up that statement.  It turns out, no such link can be found!  The best I could do was this article, which does not support what I thought.

Apparently, for some a new change can be integrated as early as 18 days, and for others it could take up to a year. The average was 66 days! [from the article "To clarify: that’s March 6th for anyone attempting a New Year’s resolution."]

I wanted to talk about how much of an upset to our lives it is to escape from Domestic Violence. Whether we flee to a shelter, or a family member or friend’s house. Whether we have children to bring or not. Whether we are married and seeking divorce, or have property and possessions to divide. Whether we simply choose to walk away from everything we owned, in order to quicker facilitate the divide.  There are many factors, very personal and individual for each of us. But any way you experience it, we are making a change — a big change.

I know from my own experience that it is difficult to get that change to fit into my head! How do all the new routines look, from a different location, with different players involved — and most of all, how do I re-write that ever-present inner script. The one my abuser filled my head with. That I am worthless, incapable; that I cannot make it without him. The notion that if he isn’t there to support me, I will never be able to live a full life.  That all my ideas need to be second-guessed by him and that I should be grateful he is there to keep me in line, or I just might do something I’ll regret later.  How do I move on from these ideas, clear them from my head and make a change?

I have taken CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) classes, been to numerous group counseling sessions, one on one therapists, taken self-esteem building workshops and journaling workshops, gone to self-care information sessions, started walking more. I have broken dishes, cried in the shower, screamed into a pillow, stopped walking more, eaten junk food, yelled at myself for eating junk food. I have gotten massages and reiki and done yoga and meditation, taken long soapy baths, written in my journal, written in the sand, written in the snow. I have screamed into that pillow some more and cried in the shower some more.

If it took just 66 days for that change to take place, I didn’t notice it happening!  But what I did notice, I will share with you now — it gets easier.  I didn’t believe that from day one, or day two or day twenty. But it has been months and years now. And it does get easier. For all I’ve tried, the number one thing that I found worked best for me was finding real, warm, smiling faces of fellow survivors. People who I could share my story with and listen to theirs. People who understood exactly what I meant when I said “I’ve worked so hard to get where I am today.”

And this, this is the reason why I volunteer for 1 in Four. This is why I come in to work and write blogs and design the webpage and network with agencies.  This is why we are here:  to be a group of survivors for survivors.  I want to share with you the feeling of not being alone. The idea that even though we all have had a unique journey — some are still at the very beginning — we are joined together as a global sisterhood.  Drop an email, sign up for the Forum, even just leave a comment on the blog. Reach out and let your voice be heard.

I envision a world where one day all DV survivors are empowered to speak their stories, call them from the mountaintops, so that one day, one day, I wont have to fear about my daughter and other girls growing up in a world where DV is silenced, where survivors wear the shame of victimhood and abusers walk away untouched.  Change is possible. End the silence — say NO MORE! to violence.

1in4: How's the Weather?

Recently one of the 1 in Four Founders had the opportunity to participate in an event put on by the homelessness initiative How’s The Weather titled  ‘Why Gender? Empowering Women in the Fight Against Homelessness and for More Affordable Housing’ .

This is a great article about the event written by Jana Rees on behalf of the United Way. Give it a read to find out what took place at this inspiring day of sharing and learning.

The day was sponsored by Cable 14 and they conducted many interviews during the day, including those of participants with lived experience of homelessness.

Feel free to check out all the interviews from that event on the How’s the Weather website.
Here is 1 in Four Co-Founder Cassandra J. Henry being interviewed by Laura Babcock:


Cassandra has been invited to sit in an advisory capacity to give feedback to the How’s the Weather initiative. We would love to hear from you about how homelessness may have impacted your life, personally or those you know. Comment below and let us know. We would be more than happy to take this feedback to the group.

An Open Letter to Premier Kathleen Wynne

The Honourable Kathleen Wynne, M.L.A.
Premier of Ontario

Dear Premier,

You may not remember me, but we shared a pair of scissors at the ribbon cutting for Good Shepherd Square here in Hamilton. I was the single mother who spoke to the gathered group about my housing trials and tribulations, and how this is finally what my daughter calls her "forever home."

I have been on ODSP for the entirety of my daughter's life. I have a diagnosis of Psychosis NOS, anxiety and depression. I also have a host of other health-related physical ailments.  ODSP has allowed me to live above destitution, but still well below the poverty line. I still access community Food Banks, seek available subsidies, such as monthly bus passes and yearly swimming passes.  There are many, many activities I will never be able to afford to participate in, and the same goes for my daughter -- unless I find free versions offered by local agencies.

Housing has been a huge barrier in the last decade for me. I have moved more times than I care to count, for reasons related to black mould, leaks, long overdue unsafe damages, untreated bedbugs, outright lies and theft by my landlords.  I have been through the Housing Tribunal to attempt restitution, but never with results that were near worth the effort, so I have often walked away from situations incurring great personal debt.

I attempted to go back to school part-time, but found the balance of raising my child on my own, dealing with unreliable housing and school at the same time just didn't work well for me -- in fact, I suffered great set-backs in my mental health.

Last summer I attempted to go back to work, at a minimum-wage job, 30 hours per week, but again found that it was more than I could handle, and although I had been medication free for a number of years, had to once again begin medication treatment with my psychiatrist. I currently work part time, just 4 hours per week and find that I am able to manage.

Because I have finally found stable housing through the Good Shepherd VAW program, I have begun a Not-For Profit organization, 1inFour.ca with several fellow survivors of Domestic Violence. We aim to give back to the community by empowering survivors to engage in their own healing and get connected with the services available to help.  This is a volunteer position, but requires many hours of dedication each week.

When I read that ODSP funds are likely to be cut I feel anxious and a sense of panic begins to arise. I can hardly make ends meet each month. I have no savings left at the end of the month, no matter how much I try -- my daughter is growing by leaps and bounds, and always seems to need new shoes or snow suit or rain boots or a back pack and the list never ends.  I try to do nice things, like throw her a birthday party or have a couple of her friends over for a sleepover, but these always tax all my reserves. And her school is always looking for $2 here or $8 there.

I am not a smoker. I do not drink. I do not engage in recreational drug use.  There simply wouldn't be any money for any of these activities, if I were so inclined.

I have been to many budgeting classes.  I have gone into debt due to poor but necessary credit card choices, and have consolidated loans, but refuse to declare bankruptcy. Before domestic violence, before the financial abuse I suffered at the hand of my ex partner, I had a decent enough credit score that I was able to purchase a brand new car at $0 down and 0% financing. I require a car to drive my daughter to her court-mandated visitations with her father, who lives 2 hours away, otherwise I would simply use the bus locally.  I had to do a voluntary repossession of my car due to the financial abuse of my ex. I now drive an older model minivan which often takes excessive funds to repair and maintain.  My credit score is terrible after just 2 years of trusting the wrong person.

I have a talk therapist, a psychiatrist, a transitional support worker and many on-going medical appointments I attend.  I am not sure where I would fit these in if I tried to go back to work full-time, which I'm sure is why I suffered so extensively when I attempted 30h/wk over the past summer.

My life and the life of my daughter would drastically change for the worse if my funds suddenly decreased by the amount you are suggesting.

I can't even begin to imagine how we would make ends meet.  As it is, all of our clothes come from second-hand stores. All of our furniture comes from garage sales or second-hand stores.  My daughter is a lover of animals and would have hamsters and lizards and birds and fish if I'd let her, but I cannot justify feeding more than the one cat we have.  I do not pay for television -- that is simply a perk I cannot afford. My daughter has a second-hand guitar and her grandmother graciously pays every month for her lessons -- something I could never afford to do.

I frequently watch my bank account reach mere pennies.  I play the game of "how long can I drive while the gas gauge light is on."   I must constantly network with other poverty-stricken friends, sharing the best insight and tips on where to get connected -- I line up in the rain at Thanksgiving for a Food Box. I line up in the snow at Christmas for a Food Hamper. I am always tucking my pride and my ego behind my ears and putting my hand out for anything I can find. All in the attempts of offering my daughter a better life than I can actually afford to give her.

This is the lived experience of someone on ODSP.

Did you ask anyone on ODSP how they would make it if you cut their funding??

Yours Sincerely,
Cassandra J. Henry

a torn journal entry

Today I felt like calling it quits ... like I am not ready for this because _I_ am broken.

"If you bring the bricks from your past relationships w/ you, you will build the same house."

My intention - find the strength to be bigger than my fear.
Give myself credit for being human -- not a GOD.

I am of this earth, of these cells, I deserve some affection for time served, so why can't I give it to myself? Why can't I give myself some slack?

I know the answer: because I am afraid it will all fall apart if I let go even a little bit.

a torn journal entry

We met. We kissed. And we wanted to come back for more! Do I say more than 'I am seeing a guy names Phil'? I'm terrified of how quickly this is growing, of how instantly I feel connected and attached to him, of how desperately I desire his physical presence in my daily life. I have to go slow - for Kyla's sake, right? She's been through too much with me & other boys. She deserves this stability of our current situation more than I deserve to find a 'partner' in life ... maybe? I don't know what I believe any more. I don't know what I see for tomorrow any more. I want him. I can only hope his words are true and he wants me just as much. 4 more days. Can I wait that long? Can I force myself to focus on 1in4? ! Work to do before play to be had!!!!

1in4: A morning of rejuvenation

I don’t usually write the blogs for 1 in Four, but today I felt the need to chime in with my own voice, my own experiences.  I’ve been having a very rough week; a number of rough weeks to be honest.  I have a TSW (Transitional Support Worker) through Good Shepherd Women’s Services, and one of the recent meetings had my TSW suggesting I access another avenue of their services, in the form of a VAW (Violence Against Women) Counsellor.  I agreed I needed more support than her position allowed her, and she sent off the request.  I have now met twice with this additional support worker and one of those was just today.

I ended up spending the entire morning at Good Shepherd Women’s Services. I’m not sure if it is an internal name, or from a previous incarnation, but through the many groups I have attended, and the many women I have interacted with, we tend to call this location “Outreach” — and a more appropriate name I could not think of!

I had a 9:30am scheduled talk-therapy session with my worker at the site, but after driving my daughter to school and getting gas, I arrived to the building a little early.  The wonderful staff who greeted me at their secure facility, helped me to fax some papers I needed to send to ODSP and then I went off to the Wellness Room to make myself a cup of tea and wait for my appointment.  One of the great features of this building is that it is ‘accessible’ — in the sense that, because of my knee pain, we were able to descend to the comfortable meeting space via elevator, rather than struggle with a flight of stairs.

I spent a fulfilling (albeit, very intense) hour with my amazing counsellor, departing with a To-Do List in hand.  As we were walking back to the front doors, I asked if I could book some other appointments with the Wellness Coordinator, so she walked me back there and took her leave.  As I sat down in this new office, the phone was ringing, and to my delight, the Wellness Coordinator said it was a client calling to cancel a reiki appointment for right then! I was asked if I’d like to fill the spot and believe me, I would like nothing more!!!  Suddenly a tense morning turned into a relaxing hour long reiki session!  I left a request to book the other appointments I wanted (foot care with Sister Rita and a manicure with another volunteer.)

As far as my understanding goes, all of these amazing services — Massage, Reiki, Manicures, Yoga, Zumba … they are all facilitated by exceptionally talented and qualified practitioners who are volunteering their time to come in and give back to women in the community.

If you are a woman in Hamilton, then these services are available to you — all you need to do is call in and book an appointment, or check out the Calendar for upcoming drop-in times.

Good Shepherd is by no means the end of the line — it just so happens to be an agency I live close to and am connected with.  There are many agencies in Hamilton that offer wonderful services to women and children, of all nationalities — many of them offered free of charge or for a very nominal sliding-scale fee and many of these groups and services also have the option to request an interpreter.

Please check out both our Community Resources and Calendar and see what is available for you!
I look forward to hearing about your experiences with any of the Hamilton agencies, either in the 1 in Four Forum or if you would like to contact us about writing a Guest Blog.

a torn journal entry

I miss kissing.  Plain & simple.  I miss the act.  I wish I could go get drunk at some party and just make out with a guy, without any expectation of it going anywhere... I just want to kiss and grope and then go home (unsatisfied? no -- I would be satisfied! It has been SO long since I last kissed, REALLY made-out w/ someone.)

I wonder what Gavin is up to?

1in4: Use your voice!

We hear the slogan “Break the silence; End the violence” in relation to Domestic Violence so very often, but what does this really mean?  How can being vocal bring about the end of violence?

For me, this means two things:

Firstly is on a micro scale, when one person experiencing Domestic Violence speaks out, seeking help, it can bring about the end of violence in that one particular incident — one person saved by finding a voice and saying “This isn’t right; I deserve to be treated better, not because I am better than anyone else, but by the simple fact that I am human and what is being done to me is not acceptable.”  There are supports in place to help that one person, if they only ask for it.

The second way is on a macro level, the big picture — the more people who are leaving potentially or actually violent situations, and using their voice to speak out about what happened to them (women like Jennifer Corsini or any other women who have openly stated that violence is not okay!) the more public awareness there is about what Domestic Violence looks like and the more chance for policy changes, both at the Government level (laws, sentencing guidelines, etc) as well as what I consider ‘the street’ level (Police procedures, funding for Shelters and counseling, etc).

1 in Four: the domestic violence project also represents a dichotomy in action — we see ourselves as the bridge between services available to survivors, by providing a consolidated monthly calendar of the events happening in the city at the various agencies associated with supporting survivors, as well as links to the agencies and a blog following our own stories and thoughts on the subject…. but we also see this website as a platform for change — we want to hear your voices, your stories, your experiences… we want to know what has worked for you and what hasn’t … are there things in the groups, shelters, police interaction, legal system, etc that could be changed to help better facilitate those going through the difficult experience of Domestic Violence?  We want to give you a place to discuss these thoughts with fellow survivors, but also a place where we can invite members of the public sector, like politicians and lawyers and police officers, nurses, educators and social workers and therapists…  If there is one portion of the population that is an expert on the many different faces of Domestic Violence, it is the survivors themselves. The wealth of knowledge we have to share, to help bring about change, is one of our greatest assets.  Without using our voices, without expressing out thoughts, concerns and pleas for change, there simply is no chance.

I know Cathy does a wonderful job writing these blogs with a balance of stories from her own experience, along with sharing options for women… she isn’t pushy and she has miraculously found a way to discuss Domestic Violence without being overtly morose. Today, however, I am really inviting you to check out the 1 in Four FORUM section. I am inviting you to create an account and to use your voice. Let us know about your experiences; let this be a platform where you can share your complaints or your praise for the system that helped you to leave; share your fears about why you haven’t left; ask questions about where and how you can get your needs met…

The word ‘forum’ comes from ancient Rome, a place of assembly; it is seen as a place for public discussion.  1 in Four is just about to reach 6 months of being a web presence. I would love to see this date marked with some active discussion in the forum between all of the brave women willing to Break the Silence and End the Violence.

a torn journal entry

(written in blue pencil crayon)

Crushing on a boy I hardly know and I've never met -- who is too young for me and smokes pot. All the factors are wrong but other than the CYO counsellor from SAGE camp, this is the first crush I've had in a long while. It feels kind of silly, but nice at the same time. I wanted to write about it, but couldn't even make myself do it in pen -- talk about silly! Phillip <3's rats & lizards & snakes ... & has an awesome beard :) More silly ideas -- as if those are even reasons to crush!!  Although I find myself wondering what his voice sounds like.

So much work to do w/ 1inFour. No time for a man in my life anyhow. I guess it's just a nice place for idle thoughts to flow!

a torn journal entry

Admitting I don't know anything is at once both freeing and terrifying. But what do I really know? My concepts are basic at the very least. I have never formally looked into any one topic to such depth that I feel I am knowledgeable on it, where I could be asked to teach it to another. I DO things without even the smallest grasp on what it is I am DOING (reiki) - who is to say when I have odd thoughts like yesterday, 3 garbage bags down dumpster, really my only 3 friends in 'the real world' and I was willingly tossing them away -- who is to say that is psychosis and not this, now, pretending that my ink stains upon this thin wood-mulch could ever possibly communicate something to anyone - even an older/wiser me?....

written in the border/indent:
Pet Shop Boys: Admitting, you don't believe, in any one's sincerity...
Madonna: Promise to try (loss of innocence) 

a torn journal entry

What do you do when nothing you're doing seems right? Like somehow you are going through the motions and they're all the correct ones for the acts being carried out, but somehow none of them are producing the immediately desired results? Am I just being too impatient -- good things come to those who work hard and build them -- fast things come fast and are gone just as fast...?!

I have had dreams and plans and hopes and desires all my life. this is one of the only times I have felt in control and that I WANT this to work out. I really, actually want to see it through, see the longevity of this project. I AM giving it my all because I want it to give me and Kyla a future.

Is that too much to ask? ...

I want to say no, truth is, I don't know? oi!