I'm drunk on oxytocin and I want the world to know ......... but I'm terrified.
From Practical Magic -- Sally Owens: [Sally's letter to Gillian] Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon.
Those words hold me still and silent, rapt with attention. I've always yearned in this way -- "I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for." Suddenly, from nowhere that makes sense, I feel like it has found me. I feel as though I have been preparing for this moment my whole life, but somehow it still caught me with my pants down (and NOT in the fun way!) ..... so I just swallow my fear and go with the flow and hope for the best, right? That's what you do when you don't know what to do ... hope for the best. What is the best?
What if I said, every other day I think about letting my daughter go live with her father? What if I wished for an out ... from the burdens of responsibility? What if I wanted to let go of all the material possessions I've gathered in order to give her the life she deserves, the home, the stability, the opportunity I'm supposed to give her ... what if I'm tired and I just want out of it all? .... of course, I know I can't .. I know I wouldn't be able to live with that decision ... I know I need to be here for every joy and every sorrow while I still can, because one day she'll have her own life, away from me ... and I'll look back and cherish every single moment that right now feels like an eternity of not being me..........
Honesty is tough.
So what do I want? What do I need? Where am I GOING?!
My psychiatrist, who I have been seeing for the past 12+ years, discharged me last week. It was unexpected and sudden and came with a few tears. Am I well enough to be on my own without him? I don't know. I still have another psychiatrist through a separate program here in this city (rather than the next one over) ... but I've only seen him a handful of times over the past 2 years. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know the me that I was 13 years ago. The me that could hardly escape her front door for fear of upsetting the universal chaotic status quo ........ but I suppose that is not the me I am today. I suppose it is time to let go of those fears. It is time to be the me who is a 35y/o mother to an 11y/o girl ... a woman in love. I woman with no idea where her life is headed. A woman afraid to make big changes towards her dreams......
So, I'm putting it out there, into the world at large. This is what I want to do: I want to be a 'wholistic life mentor' or rather, I want to invent a position with that title! :)
I want my own shop. I want space for private sit-down conversation, and another space for private massage-table work (like Reiki, crystal healing, fire-cupping, etc) ... and I want a large yoga-studio-like space, for group meditation and chakra jewellery creating classes... and I want a store-front with a share-library and co-op sales space for items and crafts and art ....... I want to be a "collective" of practitioners who share the space......
Now what are my first steps towards achieving that, after stating my intention? Oi! I don't know yet... but I know I'm going to find out.
Wish me luck! :)
