Journal entry #6

Well, it certainly has been AGES since I last updated this page. It's been a crazy run of things since July.. what with trying to get accepted for ODSP and finally getting to the right meeting with the right person to fill out the right paperwork and being accepted as of April!! so now I've got financial things sorted out, it's just my HEAD I need to work around!

I'm taking a trip in December to go visit my daddy in Kansas and I'm really looking forward to it, I'm super excited! I wish someone were coming with me, so I don't have to be alone on the airplane (I'm still a little afraid of flying after the Cali incident) but other than that, I think I WANT to go alone, so that I can spend some real quality time with my daddy!

whoops! people are back now and I hate being on the computer when there are lotsa ppl here.. so I'm gunna go ......... MAYBE I'll remember to update this page more often now :)

Flat

She looked out or rather, she saw.  For how could she look out if all was flat.  How long had she believed this? Fifteen minutes, fifteen years, fifteen million years... she didn't know.  Did she even believe in flatness?  Or, and this'll really get you, did she believe in anything at all?

*Brain Freeze*

Fifteen minutes later (or was it 7?) and back on the track.

All she could see was on a flat dimensional screen before her.  Her arms, her body, the bodies of those around her, the wall, the device upon which she now recorded her thoughts with what appeared to be fingers in this massive swirl of colour and misconceptions.  Depth. What was depth.  Intricate three-dimensional programming inside her master algorithm.  Merely a set of numbers patterned to be this Being.  She "looked out" a pair of eyes she had been pre-programmed to believe in upon initialization (birth).

*Brain Freeze*

Fifteen minutes later (or was it years?) and back on track.

How could she possibly explain this to others.  What was the point of explaining it to others if there were none other than her?  Maybe an inner need to sort it out and explain it to herself.  Was she playing a game?  Errrghhhhh..

*Brain Lock* ...... thought process paused.

Journal entry #5


Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?

Yeah, so .. its been an exciting day and, I'm glad I'm alive and may "Bob" be with you .... or something.. *shrug*

Journal entry #4

Sucker love.... another love I would abuse .. no circumstances could excuse ..... too much poison come undone .... every me and every you ....

err.. yeah, hi .. headphones are too loud to think, sorry.

What've I been doing lately? Well.. I took a course with the satellite school about File System Management with Windows98 .. it was quite pathetic and I created this li'l dity while in class.... thats' about all I've done this week .. exciting me... *shrug*

Journal entry #3

Well.. once, a long time ago, in the foggy edges of the World Wide Web... I used to update my page almost daily... I'm going to link some of those old logs soon.. if I ever get up the effort to bother......... I guess that's just the things, I never seem to care about my page lately, cuz I don't think anyone is reading it... and I don't really have anything to say.

Journal entry #2

I dug this site out of the cobwebbed confines of my Personal Computer. I have this vision in my mind of what I'd LIKE my new site to look like, but I cant quite grasp the programming and graphics capabilities needed to create it. So for now, dust will do and I'll digress........... or something! :)

Times have changed! I am now living in my own apartment in Orangeville with a roommate who you might know from the cam as SideShowKyle ...... things are going well.. we hang out and have good times and I get to spend time focusing on my passions.

my only problem is, I keep having the amazing literary conceptions and when I sit down in front of my writing implements, nothing comes out. There's cloggage! I am reading this great book right now and I just can't get enough of it, so I started reading a cheap fiction novel that apparently made it onto Oprah's Club list ................... 2 books is always better than one ..... and towels are so much fun!

Speaking of towels, where's mine?! It's bloody fckn hawt in here and I'm sweating up a storm! ghawd damnitall to heck and back! :P~ someone turn down the thermostat! ... okay, taking off for now, no more mental drainage left and little flashing things saying I have msgs from live stimulus! cyz :)

THE GOAL IS ENLIGHTENMENT...

[no idea?! found on my comp... I wrote it, I know that much!]

There are two realms of existence, each representing half of zero.  The world around you is the first half and the world you don't normally perceive as anything more than a tickle down your spine is the other half.

There is a strange battle for resources going on.

Our side of this existence is using up all the energy without sending forward enlightend ones to join the other side.  We have over population, under resources and yet we still grow larger every day.

The young, the inquisitive and intuitive.. the experimental and the ones with wonder are being greeted by members of the other side, trying to entice them into enlightenment.

One day, if they fail, half of zero will reach a full circle and all will cease to exist.

On being alone...

I hate being alone.  I don't know exactly why it is that I hate it so much, but I do.  I despise being left to my own defenses.  Sometimes I think it's because there is no longer any verification for the things I see and hear, so I don't know if they're really real or a part of my own made up head space.  Other times I think it's because I simply don't like my own company.  And still other times I think it's because I might just disappear and there'll be no last look or last hug or last words.  I know it's all craziness, but maybe I'm just crazy enough for thoughts like those.  Hours can go by while I'm alone
and it feels like the same repetitive 15 mins.  Over and over again, the exact same feelings
of loss.  Wondering what I can do to fill the time and make it less boring for me to be alone.  It's strange, I used to spend days on end alone with brief and infrequent visits from few people and I loved it.  I loved having all that time to be creative on my own, now I just quiver from the thought of being on my own.

Journal entry #1

Welcome to a new site, welcome to a new me .. or something else cheesy and pathetic like that... Pessimism is my friend this early morn as I sit and update yet ANOTHER new page that I'll probably not end up using. I'm trying to find something that defines me but all I keep producing is crap -- is this to tell myself that I am currently nothing but crap? Great, just what a recovering drug addict prone to depression needs to discover.

Can't sleep, still, for some Godly reason I've yet to be told about. Maybe one day, just as I'm about to nod off for real a loud booming voice will call down at me and say something like 'will you cut that out?! Your dreams keep interfering with my T.V. reception, you dumb cunt!'

Oh well.. off to another glorious day tomorrow -- and glorious it WILL be, for I finally get a real bed.. a real bed, all to my own, am I actually worthy, nooo, can't be! but yes!! yes a real bed that is mine to roll on and jump on (altho, not too much!) and actually maybe SLEEP on! It should be arriving tomorrow afternoon, so I s'pose I should move some furniture and do some cleaning before they get here with it. Oh gosh, I hope they set it up for me, I've been sick for a couple days and SUCH a terrible weakling!

Hearing vs. Listening?

I wondered today, as I was sitting in the mall at Yorkdale and drawing, why exactly it is that I don't bring a discman or walkman with me everywhere I go.  But I guess the answer is simpler than that I don't think to - I like the new-found beat and rhythm to every day life around me.  The traffic, the wind, the children screaming, the leaves in the trees, the change in people's pockets, the broken shoe of some lady, the varied languages, the varied moods, the people that make up my world -  the backdrop to my happiness.  How can you catch the things to smile at if you're always listening to the
same tune?  Like the little boy learning to throw pennies in to a wishing pool! Sharing the smile across the water with his mommy, knowing I got a sneak peak into their world, I'll probably never cross paths with again but I'll remember this moment at least  for a couple days - and because I wrote about it, most likely longer - pausing to look at his face to hopefully hold it in my mind just a little clearer, his innocent expression, his mother's tender touch, things that are not a common part of  my life but which I can partake in by paying attention to my ENVIRONMENT!