Sunday, November 28, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Running Commentary Since Yesterday...
I'm such an intense person.. it has to be apparent to my daughter. I enjoy him here so much that she is of course going to pick up on my mood .....
Is it a good thing?
She likes him. The first thing she said to him on web-cam today, after a clipped "hi" was "I miss you!" ... !!! she's never said that of her own accord to any of my beaus! She even spoke to him on the phone last weekend (of course, she only said 'goodnight' but considering its difficult to get her to talk to her dad, or my mom or even me sometimes on the phone .. well!)
I'm scared!
This is so new .. so very very new .. and has all kinds of aspects to it that are entirely new to me -- they seem like they make sense on paper, but I've never had the opportunity to play them out in actuality.
Its strange -- I'm not really worried about where things are going for us .. but I'm worried about how it will all effect Kyla. She has such a hard time accepting me as a being other than her mommy. She is protective and loves me desperately. I worry about how she sees relationships and how her image of them will be warped by my own insecurities ... grrr! Parenting. The most important role of all existence -- one that is repeated ad infinitum ... and yet no one seems to get any really useful pointers -- every parent has screwed up since the inception of inception ......!
...
I've been in some shitty places over my life ... I've stayed with some shitty partners for all the wrong reasons ...... I've seen things I wouldn't want to relive ever again, and yet my nightmares refuse to give me the peace I so long for. There are men who pray on you, they make you feel like you're lacking and only they have the answer. My father was like this. It is a lot to carry, to have to work through. The layers of the abuse, of the damage, are so very difficult to sort out and peel away. What he did to me, to all the closest people who I care about, is horrifying, but I've come to realize, he is most likely a sociopath. So, I learn to push back and hold on... and keep pushing back and holding on... and to get help from people who really care about me.
This blog is a new step in my self-therapy. I choose to be open. I choose to tell it like I see it and leave nothing to guess work. There is that oft tossed around quote, about the definition of insanity being the repetition of an act while expecting a different result. This time I know I want a different out-come, I want something that lasts. I want something worth holding on to. I want someone who sees all of me because _I_ see all of me.
I will work through my garbage because _I_ am worth it, not because he is the one I want. I will work through my hurt and my pain and my self-loathing and my lack of self-worth and absence of self-esteem because _I_ want to be someone real, because _I_ want to be all of me.
If, in the process, I get to keep him, then I will rejoice in the synchronicity of life.... but it isn't about us, so much as it is about needing to finally be fully me.
my mind goes in odd spirals and circles and keeps jumping from place to place!
He is so good with her.. so good with her.... the first one, ever. THAT scares me, too. Whenever I have these sort of notions.
"fear is not the end of this"
floats across my mind, in the tune from the Live song.....
I told him I am terrified. He says he'd rather hear that I'm happy and euphoric. I am happy and euphoric -- this is why I am terrified!! I seek to control so much of my world on a daily basis and here is such an amazingly wonderful sensation that is entirely outside of my control. THIS TERRIFIES ME!
But I'll ignore it -- I'll ignore my fear, I'll ignore all the little booby-traps I've set for myself over the years that tell me to run because only pain can ensue from something that starts off feeling so very good................
I want to be here. I want to lose myself in his scent and find myself in his arms. I want to write volumes of poetry simply about the true shade of his iris. I want to write songs based solely on his kiss. I want to paint a multitude of canvases because he makes me explode when he explodes within me ..............
terrified? oh fuck yeah, I'm terrified .... and that is okay, because I'm happy and euphoric and not gunna let go ;)
Is it a good thing?
She likes him. The first thing she said to him on web-cam today, after a clipped "hi" was "I miss you!" ... !!! she's never said that of her own accord to any of my beaus! She even spoke to him on the phone last weekend (of course, she only said 'goodnight' but considering its difficult to get her to talk to her dad, or my mom or even me sometimes on the phone .. well!)
I'm scared!
This is so new .. so very very new .. and has all kinds of aspects to it that are entirely new to me -- they seem like they make sense on paper, but I've never had the opportunity to play them out in actuality.
Its strange -- I'm not really worried about where things are going for us .. but I'm worried about how it will all effect Kyla. She has such a hard time accepting me as a being other than her mommy. She is protective and loves me desperately. I worry about how she sees relationships and how her image of them will be warped by my own insecurities ... grrr! Parenting. The most important role of all existence -- one that is repeated ad infinitum ... and yet no one seems to get any really useful pointers -- every parent has screwed up since the inception of inception ......!
...
I've been in some shitty places over my life ... I've stayed with some shitty partners for all the wrong reasons ...... I've seen things I wouldn't want to relive ever again, and yet my nightmares refuse to give me the peace I so long for. There are men who pray on you, they make you feel like you're lacking and only they have the answer. My father was like this. It is a lot to carry, to have to work through. The layers of the abuse, of the damage, are so very difficult to sort out and peel away. What he did to me, to all the closest people who I care about, is horrifying, but I've come to realize, he is most likely a sociopath. So, I learn to push back and hold on... and keep pushing back and holding on... and to get help from people who really care about me.
This blog is a new step in my self-therapy. I choose to be open. I choose to tell it like I see it and leave nothing to guess work. There is that oft tossed around quote, about the definition of insanity being the repetition of an act while expecting a different result. This time I know I want a different out-come, I want something that lasts. I want something worth holding on to. I want someone who sees all of me because _I_ see all of me.
I will work through my garbage because _I_ am worth it, not because he is the one I want. I will work through my hurt and my pain and my self-loathing and my lack of self-worth and absence of self-esteem because _I_ want to be someone real, because _I_ want to be all of me.
If, in the process, I get to keep him, then I will rejoice in the synchronicity of life.... but it isn't about us, so much as it is about needing to finally be fully me.
...
my mind goes in odd spirals and circles and keeps jumping from place to place!
He is so good with her.. so good with her.... the first one, ever. THAT scares me, too. Whenever I have these sort of notions.
"fear is not the end of this"
floats across my mind, in the tune from the Live song.....
...
I told him I am terrified. He says he'd rather hear that I'm happy and euphoric. I am happy and euphoric -- this is why I am terrified!! I seek to control so much of my world on a daily basis and here is such an amazingly wonderful sensation that is entirely outside of my control. THIS TERRIFIES ME!
But I'll ignore it -- I'll ignore my fear, I'll ignore all the little booby-traps I've set for myself over the years that tell me to run because only pain can ensue from something that starts off feeling so very good................
I want to be here. I want to lose myself in his scent and find myself in his arms. I want to write volumes of poetry simply about the true shade of his iris. I want to write songs based solely on his kiss. I want to paint a multitude of canvases because he makes me explode when he explodes within me ..............
terrified? oh fuck yeah, I'm terrified .... and that is okay, because I'm happy and euphoric and not gunna let go ;)
Saturday, November 20, 2010
"Cocked, Locked and ready to Rock"
Nov 5: This is when it all started...
Nov 19: ...and this is when I knew for sure.
How can I synthesize my life down to mere pixels. You can read my words, digitized by light across vast distances, without ever actually having comprehension of the subtle nuances present amidst the varied rhythms of my catastrophic life.
I hate when I feel so much more alive, just because there is a male-oriented focus in my life. Formal education, career, projects, even child-rearing ... these things attract my focus, but never quite capture it.... and yet he has stolen me fully and completely. [Please do not misunderstand me, my daughter is the largest part of my life and I thrive on helping her thrive...... but it is her life in a lot of ways, her school, her health, her activities, her joys, her new experiences ...... what I'm talking about here is my life ..... something that has very much been on the back burner -- right next to non-existent -- for the last six or more years.]
I want; I need; I crave; I breathe the very essence of his being into my pores and I expel nothing; savor it all. Together creates, while apart merely rushes headlong into destruction.
If only I could make sense to myself. My inner disc is skipping every third note and I can't quite pick out the tune. I've heard something like this song before, yet it is unfamiliar, unique, untouched, unused, entirely uncontaminated by me -- it has a beat that quickens my pulse and envelopes my soul -- it is the way I feel when I am with him.
paper & pen journal excerpt: FR.11.19.2010
I feel safe, content, excited, tantalized.... like there are an endless possibility of opportunities at my fingertips. Wildly protective and vehemently proud -- ownership that comes with the responsibility. The nearest I can come to which describes the right feeling is the sense of 'home.'
//both soft and rough at the same time; caress and beat //
No matter how much I get, it will never be enough, never be sated, even inside his embrace.
hurt me, beat me, bleed me, scar me!!!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
a Letter to myself when I was Younger
Assignment idea: write a letter to yourself as the child you were when you were experiencing the abuse. Things you really needed to hear... lessons learned... boundaries.. "i love you" .. "it's not your fault" .. poem, picture, something supportive.
August 25th, 2009 [evening]
To myself at 13: Your fear is well grounded. You ARE worth more than a dare. Don't give it up so fast.
To myself at 16: You are young. You feel old because you are as old as you've ever been. You have your whole life ahead of you. One broken heart doesn't mean you have to shut down. You are beautiful and caring and people see the light that shines from within you and are drawn to it. Adults should know better.
You are not at fault.
Your tears should not have been an invitation for an adult's advances. Rape is rape. Just because you stopped saying no and went dead silent, doesn't mean he didn't take advantage of you. Find your voice. Tell someone! He must be stopped and as much as you hurt, it IS your responsibility to tell on him. It is not your issue to care about HIS wife and HIS kids. You are just a kid, too. He should have thought about it. He should have known better than to steal what wasn't his to touch in the first place.
You are beautiful. You matter. You are not alone. Someone, one day, will touch you in a way that doesn't make you feel like you HAVE to give in. You will, once again, want to be present when someone who loves you wants to touch you in a caring way. You matter. You MATTER.
Keep your voice. Use your voice. You are strong. No one has the right to quiet you. No one should take advantage of your feelings. Just because you've been kicked, doesn't mean the dogs can move in. You matter. Tell someone. Tell your mom. Yes, she will hurt for you, but she will hurt WITH you. She can't help you heal if you don't use your voice. Hurt together, not alone. You are not alone.
Signed,
Me.
August 25th, 2009 [evening]
To myself at 13: Your fear is well grounded. You ARE worth more than a dare. Don't give it up so fast.
To myself at 16: You are young. You feel old because you are as old as you've ever been. You have your whole life ahead of you. One broken heart doesn't mean you have to shut down. You are beautiful and caring and people see the light that shines from within you and are drawn to it. Adults should know better.
You are not at fault.
Your tears should not have been an invitation for an adult's advances. Rape is rape. Just because you stopped saying no and went dead silent, doesn't mean he didn't take advantage of you. Find your voice. Tell someone! He must be stopped and as much as you hurt, it IS your responsibility to tell on him. It is not your issue to care about HIS wife and HIS kids. You are just a kid, too. He should have thought about it. He should have known better than to steal what wasn't his to touch in the first place.
You are beautiful. You matter. You are not alone. Someone, one day, will touch you in a way that doesn't make you feel like you HAVE to give in. You will, once again, want to be present when someone who loves you wants to touch you in a caring way. You matter. You MATTER.
Keep your voice. Use your voice. You are strong. No one has the right to quiet you. No one should take advantage of your feelings. Just because you've been kicked, doesn't mean the dogs can move in. You matter. Tell someone. Tell your mom. Yes, she will hurt for you, but she will hurt WITH you. She can't help you heal if you don't use your voice. Hurt together, not alone. You are not alone.
Signed,
Me.
"I love you not because you do this or that; you are this or that. I love you."
Monday, November 8, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Munch much?
"In excited conversation we have glimpses of the universe, hints of power native to the soul, far-darting lights and shadows of an Andes landscape, such as we can hardly attain in lone meditation. Here are oracles sometimes profusely given, to which the memory goes back in barren hours."
How can meeting one person change so much in one single evening? A conversation that rolls through hours and actions and loses no momentum... such that the eventual parting would otherwise be merely bitter with no sign of sweetness save the knowledge that there will some day soon be another rejoining.
Engaging .. intriguing .... arousing.... no, I think the right word is 'infectious' ... like an infectious disease ..... I feel tainted, corrupted ... changed somehow; stained. Between every motion I've made in the aftermath of our meeting, between every thought, he has somehow slipped into my consciousness and I find myself looking, waiting, wondering why he isn't here in my present reality.
I'm a sucker.
I fall so very hard so very fast.
Do I think there is any other way? ... no, maybe not. I've always known within the first five minutes or less of meeting someone. I knew within the first three with this one, maybe less.
The biggest problem is, while I am fairly good with the first six of these good 'rules' for life:
- Be Impeccable With Your Word
- Don't Take Anything Personally
- Don't Make Assumptions
- Always Do Your Best
- Give credit where its due
- Find people better than you to better yourself
it is the last that often seems to cause me the most trouble:
7. Don't let someone become a priority in your life,when you are just an option in theirs
How do I stop being so very intense and rushing head-long into something I don't understand? How do I hold myself back from holding my breath until I can be holding him again?
How do I stop being so very intense and rushing head-long into something I don't understand? How do I hold myself back from holding my breath until I can be holding him again?
If only he wouldn't LOOK at me like that... ~/*swoon*/~
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