Writing this in my journal makes it seem so final. Not writing it doesn't make it any less real, but the act of recording it for my future self hurts somehow -- gut-wrenchingly so...
Somewhere between Jan 5th and 17th, Matthew passed away. No idea how to deal with grief & loss. Do I find a counselor somewhere? Going to talk to Lane about it, but she doesn't really fill that role any longer. She is an ODSP worker now.
I guess the reality of Matthew was always kind of silly. How he found me with a format. How he planned to maybe move up here, but didn't want to get a passport. How very different we were. But then he quit smoking for me & then that turns out to be what killed him. It's not my fault, I keep saying. Not that I believe it.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
a torn journal entry
pencil seems like a perfectly fitting medium for where I'm at in my world/lift right now. Fluid, transient, impermanent ... in flux.
I gave up on WAWG Survivors before I even really began. I've quit SOS Advisory. I'm uncertain where I stand on SAGE Advisory, I stopped SACHA Crisis Training. I'm done my BED course & I'm not exactly sure where the whole 1 in 4 thing stands. I'm not sure where Matthew and I are at after being down there for NYE ... I am having fun in the fet community and trying to keep a nice home for Kyla and I.
That's about the extent of it. & Dan is just another 'play partner' in a long line of them.
CJH :)?
cont'd
I think I'm happy for once ...?
I'm not really sure I have a point of reference. I felt kind of like I'd found 'home' when I was in California, but we both know how THAT turned out. So Avalon House is starting to feel like that. And I've kinda latched on to Robyn & Jason & I don't exactly know why. I'm slightly flying by the seat of my pants. I'm taking strange risks with pain. Why does being hurt feel good? Self-flagellation? Do I feel that I deserve it? I don't know.
I'm happy-like, maybe, is a better truth. But happiness feels elusive and close?! :)
Real people are hard to spot.
11:45pm
01/13/15
I gave up on WAWG Survivors before I even really began. I've quit SOS Advisory. I'm uncertain where I stand on SAGE Advisory, I stopped SACHA Crisis Training. I'm done my BED course & I'm not exactly sure where the whole 1 in 4 thing stands. I'm not sure where Matthew and I are at after being down there for NYE ... I am having fun in the fet community and trying to keep a nice home for Kyla and I.
That's about the extent of it. & Dan is just another 'play partner' in a long line of them.
CJH :)?
cont'd
I think I'm happy for once ...?
I'm not really sure I have a point of reference. I felt kind of like I'd found 'home' when I was in California, but we both know how THAT turned out. So Avalon House is starting to feel like that. And I've kinda latched on to Robyn & Jason & I don't exactly know why. I'm slightly flying by the seat of my pants. I'm taking strange risks with pain. Why does being hurt feel good? Self-flagellation? Do I feel that I deserve it? I don't know.
I'm happy-like, maybe, is a better truth. But happiness feels elusive and close?! :)
Real people are hard to spot.
11:45pm
01/13/15
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