Thursday, September 15, 2016

The Nameless shall remain Nameless until otherwise noted.

I know almost nothing about you … but I can’t get you out of my head …. your smile is like an arrow shot straight to my heart …. I feel foolish, caught up in this love-affair all in my mind…. you’re a stranger… but nothing is stranger than the way I instantly felt about you.
[written Day 2, posted Day 3]

Fall is almost upon us... it certainly seems like the best time to fall.... head over heart over heels into something that makes me feel precarious.

I wonder what you smell like... what your kisses taste like ... how your laughter trills.

Do you think of me between moments of connection? Have you thought of me today?

Hopelessly, irrevocably pierced with a notion of lust leaning towards lost in love.

...and so my inevitable demise has begun.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

The Other Me

I think there are only two kinds of people in this world.

One sort gets up in the morning and knows they’re doing the right thing. They turn off the alarm, stretch, and then go about their day with one step in front of the other, one moment to the next, sure that each decision they make, each minute choice will taken them one step closer to the right thing for them …


The other sort, the sort that I seem to fit into, is the sort who can’t figure out how to do anything right. I’m not even sure I know my right from my left. How can every move I make feel like the wrong move. I’m intelligent and I think things through… I make decisions based on the best of my knowledge, I add my heart into the mix …. and every. single. thing. I. do. is wrong.


How did I get here?  


Where was the me that was once the first sort of person… maybe a little carefree. Maybe a little obnoxious. But ultimately not concerned, or worried, that my next move might be the wrong move. It was just _a_ move and a move always had to be taken, so let’s take this one next…….


At what point did this calculating, self-doubting, self-criticizing me that I am today … when did she get behind the wheel and start driving?


All the flotsam and decay of my life… which bump in the road knocked me off kilter to such a degree that I truly think I am doing the wrong thing, no matter what I do?


I don’t like the way this me looks at me in the mirror. The way she lets light pass over the contours of my face and never quite pauses to see the me that is behind the eyes…. the scared, anxious, nervous, worrisome, critical me.


Am I the worst parts of my parents? Am I the worst parts of my classmates? Am I simply all that’s left after the joy was surgically removed (by me, and placed in a glass jar and tucked somewhere safe so that no one could steal it, because I treasured it, and I could see that the path I was taking could only lead to heart-ache, so I best squirrel it away for a rainy day)….


But I’m crying and I’m crying and I can’t stop crying — if you’re waiting for rain, it’s falling down my face in a torrential downpour.


When I’m alone, and no one is there to tell me what to think or what to say or how to act, or which piece of etiquette I ought to take down and shine today….. I don’t think I like who I’ve become. But I don’t know how to be the other sort of me ……….


10:33pm June 9, 2016

Monday, May 16, 2016

moments

The problem is.. I can’t talk about the automatic thoughts and behaviours and moods that really matter.

That half the time I don’t believe in reality. That half the time I’m stuck in this alternate-universe mentality, belief that I’m the only person in all existence and everything else here is just a screwed up computer program designed to keep me from being lonely and destroying myself.

It would take a month of talking for me to explain the whole other “game” that goes on.

And I’ve shortened it down into saying that I have “moments” because I can’t explain any of those moments without the whole 16 year back-story.

Some days it gets worse. Some days I believe my cat hates me. And like THAT even matters.

I had a GOOD day today, and here I am at my computer writing this with tears streaming down my face because I feel like a horrible person, guilty of leaving my cat alone for hours on end in a dark apartment, with very little for amusement. He’s a CAT — we live in a society where it’s deemed okay to do that to “domesticated” animals. I feed and water him and (mostly) give him a clean place to shit. I’m not harming him….. right?

But I don’t believe that our social structure does anything good. I don’t believe we are ‘humane’ even to humans.  The way we treat our elderly, our mental health practices, those who live at the fringe, of poverty, of health.

How am I just supposed to SWALLOW all of that and move on with my day. Not think about those big picture pieces, because I can’t do anything to make them any better so I have to focus on me and my life and making my little piece of it better for me and my daughter (and my damn cat)

well that feels like a fucking crap shoot.

And half the time I don’t believe in any of it anyhow …..

it’s all just busy-work for my brain to keep me from seeing the truth.

But I pull it together, wipe my tears, and tell my daughter it’s bed-time… like the good mom that I am.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

What to do

 What do you do when it finds you … unprepared, unwilling, unfit for public consumption …


What do you do when it keeps knocking, even though you’re certain you haven’t answered?


What do you do when you peer through the peephole and realize your sentiments mirrored on the face you see….


a floating face…


a voice in the night …


a hiccough in your daily journey, the grind from birth to the grave…


What do you do when you want something you simply can’t have… you shouldn’t want… you don’t want to need.


You give a welcoming smile and say “come in!” ….. of course you do … cuz you’re you … and you don’t know how to do anything else.


*sigh*


12:51am Thurs, Mar 3, 2016

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Introspection...

Someone recently decided to end a budding new friendship and said these words to me [edited for spelling mistakes]: “...your behaviour at the last party was disrespectful and disgraceful. The way you treat the ones around you and act in public is a bit embarrassing to be around. The way you offer yourself to any one willing is disrespectful to yourself and slutty behaviour like that is not appealing...”

This writing is not a direct response to that person, it is a reflection of the introspection I’ve done because of those words being said to me.

I am who I am.

I am pansexual — I don’t care where your plumbing is, was, you wish it were or it might be one day. I care about who you are and how we have been able to create a connection. If that leads to sexy fun times, excellent! If it leads to cuddling and getting closer, also excellent! If it never goes that far and we just enjoy one another’s company for a while … that’s good, too

I am polyamorous — my idea is that more connections make for a fuller experience of life, thereby creating more instances for happiness, joy and bliss, therefore producing an all-around more engaged and positive person, who brings that to all of his/her relationships... I don’t do well with restrictions and I don’t feel I have a right to put them on other people. I do my best to obey socially accepted ideas of ownership (“this is MY husband” or “this is MY sub”) and find that honest communication is the best way to avoid stepping on toes.

I am a sadomasochist — I derive pleasure from both giving and receiving pain. I’m always looking to push my limits on what kind of pain I can handle. I am a little intimidated by my own sadism, and therefore do not have a lot of experience in that realm — I get a very deep thrill from causing physical pain that is _unwanted_ by the recipient, and so I generally keep it in check by simply not letting it out. I’m working on ways to express this in a safer environment.

I am a hedonist — Google says “Hedonism is a school of thought that argues that pleasure is the primary or most important intrinsic good. A hedonist strives to maximize net pleasure (pleasure minus pain).” Or, in other terms: I like all of the things that feel good! :) I think one of my friends says it best when she says: “I wish I liked one thing as much as Cass likes everything!”

I am a sapiosexual — I am completely turned on by intellect. When I was 19, the hottest phone sex I ever had was while a friend was explaining board-level circuitry to me. When people are passionate about what they know and they enjoy sharing it, I get extremely excited. There is no topic I’m not at least somewhat interested in! Let’s pick apart M-theory for the afternoon, interspersed with breaks for a sexual romp! :) I’d like to think I am well-read and I’m always engaging in learning. I read non-fiction as much as I read fiction and I’m infinitely curious.

I am perfectly happy with the term slut — I practice safer sex to the best of my ability. I get tested regularly. I engage in open communication with all my partners and always have “the talk” before anything transpires. I believe I am a good judge of character, but for the most part, I’m certain I’ve just been lucky. Do I offer myself to everyone? Pretty damn near! I think people are beautiful and intriguing, and that everyone has something to teach me. I’ve never had a problem creating a deeper connection with people, whether it be for the moment, the year, or a lifetime. I don’t do ‘surface’ or ‘small talk’ very well. I prefer long-term connections, but that is not a requirement. One-offs can be just as fun, or every-so-often. I find that sex only gets better the more you know your partner, but that doesn’t take away from the raw excitement of a momentary fling!

My biggest kink is other people’s kinks — I’m into a lot of things, things that actually turn me on, but the truth is, I enjoy helping other people push their kink to the limit. I may never interact with that kink on my own, but if someone is really deeply into it, their excitement makes it worthwhile for me in the moment. Whether it is discussing verbally or engaging in the actions, I enjoy exploring how a kink manifests in people. I love the way that the same kink can be experienced in so many different nuances for each individual person. There are very few things I won’t help people get off with, and even if there are things I may not actually do, it is still very likely I will engage in fantasy creation with a person. We all get turned on by different things for different reasons and there is no reason why we shouldn’t be able to enjoy them (so long as they aren’t harming others…. or breaking the law!)

I strive to be honest in all my communication — I think it is mind-bogglingly crazy that we can even communicate at all! When I have a thought and I try to put it into words, I am never going to be entirely accurate. (If I say the words “red truck”, what are you thinking? Maraschino cherry red pick-up truck? Bordeaux Mack Truck?) Therefore I think it is important to choose your words carefully and aim for always being as honest as you possibly can. I tend to be rather verbose, because I want to be VERY sure that we’re on the same page. I also have an annoying habit of interrupting someone’s flow to ask questions, because I want to make sure we’re on the same page, and though I’ve been repeatedly scolded for this behaviour, I am not likely to change!

The chest piece tattoo I have says “Locked Inside This Skin”. For me it is a deeply spiritual idea that were it not for our bodies separating us, we’d all be one. I treat others as an extension of myself. I love others as an extension of myself. I do not think this dilutes love, I think this magnifies it to the nth degree.

I have worked very hard to be comfortable in my skin. To love myself, to love my body and to be okay showing it off in public. We don’t get to choose the line of our jaw or the slant of our nose. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and this body is mine with which to give and derive pleasure. I honour it by doing as much of those as I can!

I have struggled for years with body image issues, a binge eating disorder, psychosis, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and much grief and loss. None of these are excuses for my actions — I do my best to be present and accountable for all that I choose to do.

While I realize most people will not share my philosophies and ideals, I also know that I have never forced them upon anyone. I do my best to respect boundaries and listen when people say no, or stop. I ask before I touch and I negotiate before I play. I’m sure that I have been carried away in the moment before, as I’m sure everyone has, but any time I’ve stepped over the line, I’ve been quick to withdraw and even quicker to apologize. I am a hedonist — I believe in pleasure for myself, but I also believe it in for other people. I am not here to hurt anyone (who doesn’t want to be hurt!!) and I don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable such that they cannot enjoy themselves.

 A woman I respect greatly was introducing me to a friend of hers once, and she told the story about the first time we met — I was stripping down to get on the table for fire play, and this woman told her friend that she had been nervous about doing that herself, but watching me made her think “if she can do it, so can I!” … She is a beautiful empowered woman. I never imagined a story like this to come out of her mouth; I had no idea I’d had this impact on her! (When I asked her permission to use this story publicly, she said "You gave me courage." which just makes me blush!)


We are all at different stages of our journey. We are all experiencing things from our own very unique perspective. My only hope is that my interactions with other people can be positive and that they enhance the life experience, rather than detract from it. If I ever do something that causes someone else upset or hurt, I would hope they could come to me and talk about it. Communication is key to the growth of any interaction. In other lines of work that I do, I often hear the words “it’s about the impact, not the intent” and they are very wise words indeed. The impact of my actions may harm others, but I can only hope that knowing my intent is never to harm can help us find a harmonious way to interact in the aftermath.

So, to sum this all up…. I am okay with who I am. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s okay by me. :) I’ve had people say “I wish I could be as open as you!” which I take as a nice complement, but I didn’t just START this way! I’ve been working at it my whole life… and I’m not finished yet!

---
Update -- Comments I've received on the other site I've posted this have been really wonderful:
"You do you hun. And you're great just the way you are :)"
"You are awesome, never change! Just because someone else has hang ups doesn't mean anyone else does! You bring out the best in people! Your energy is inspiring! Now, can I punch the slut shaming jerk face?"
"It totally Sucks to be them. I know how awesome you are first hand, and I wish I could be as confident and outgoing as you!"
"Sluts are awesome. fuck whoever says otherwise. So long as you're not harming yourself or anyone, it doesn't matter."
"I just love the frank and authentic way that you express yourself babe! Keep being you! your genuine openness is something that is enviable and beautiful and you wear it stunningly! And fuck anyone who tries to put you down for it!"
"Well said friend...Stay strong and keep knowing yourself. Be true and ignore the ignorance."
"Your mind and soul are beautiful and the other person is trapped in a box of close mindedness and soon to be loneliness."
"GOOD ON YOU!! You build people up! That's what makes you beautiful. That original message was to tear you down and strip you of the freedom you strived for."
"Her thought process seems quite rigid.  You're better off."
"You're lovely, and this is so well written. I'm glad you're so comfortable with yourself."