As you can see from the date of the conversation, I've been toying with whether I would post this log or not for a number of weeks now. Finally, I decided, while it is very personal, it is also integral to the healing process I am going through right now. The statements below are very black and white -- obviously there was more going on in my relationship with my father at the time -- he _was_ involved in my world, and we will both describe our perspective of our interaction quite differently .. but when boiled down to its essence, this really is how I often found myself feeling, even if I didn't quite understand it while I was younger .... so... here goes nothing:
[15 Nov 2010 23:39:10]
shiloh: ... whats going on ?
J: not much u
shiloh: same, I guess ...
shiloh: been in Barrie every other weekend ...
J: whats happening in barrie
shiloh: lots of fucking lately ... fisting.. beating.. snuggling ..
shiloh: also at home ...
shiloh: how is work? it slow down much yet??
J: a little
shiloh: ... do I get to see you again ?
J: sure if you like
shiloh: sure? .. if I like? .....
shiloh: yes, I want!
shiloh: or I wouldn't ask ...
shiloh: I don't understand why everything just .. died off ....
shiloh: I thought we had a great chemistry ...
J: me too
shiloh: you cancelled on me the night I was s'posed to come see you ...
shiloh: and you never attempted to reschedule ....
shiloh: and it isn't very easy for me to get out ..... what w/ sleeping beauty in the other room ...
shiloh: you're always welcome, after 10pm, to come here ....
J: ok one night this week
shiloh: I'd really like that
shiloh: I guess...... in wanting to call you Daddy ... I was looking for something I never could have w/ my daddy ... that closeness, that support and understanding ... uninhibited love ....... untangled warmth that brought about a sense of security I never felt growing up .....
shiloh: and instead .. it turned out so very much like how I really felt about my daddy -- like every other aspect of his life was more important than his little girl .... and nothing I did would ever be good enough to turn his gaze my way.
J: all is not lost, daddy still loves you
shiloh: I got into cars, star trek and computers for that man .. I spent hours educating myself about physics and the potential in time travel based on the expansion of the universe ....... and none of it mattered -- if I was doing the things HE was into, then he was around .. but if I needed him .. if I was falling ... he wouldn't even notice in time to catch me .....
shiloh: I fuck random men because I am so used to feeling used ... that sensation where, I'm only required for their immediate gratification and then I can be forgotten ....
shiloh: I grew up with it ... and as much as it hurts .. its still familiar ... its comforting in its familiarity ... I know HOW it hurts ....
shiloh: so I seek it out ... because it isn't scary, like other aspects of my life ....
shiloh: with you .... I wanted to rewrite that script.
shiloh: only it didnt work out that way.
J: i understand you sweetie
shiloh: ... maybe you understand, and maybe you don't ... I just needed to get the words out .... I wanted you to know, you hurt me ... but I'll only fade away if you want me to ... I always come back for more punishment, until there's no more to be had.
J: i need time to think
shiloh: you mean, you haven't had enough time already?? .... its been weeks
J: yes i havent
shiloh: okay, well, look me up when you have
shiloh: goodnight.
[23:53:01 Conversation closed.]
