My life under a microscope....

Health: while this category should, without selfishness entering the picture, truly be held as the highest importance... it almost always comes as an after-thought in my world, if even thought of at all.  I am unhealthy in all aspects of my life. My body aches, mostly because of my weight, my eyes are suffering (somewhat due to my current medications, but not solely), my hearing apparently is still fine but seems less acute from my perspective and my mental health? oh don't even get me started on my mental health .... that'd require a book in and of itself, perhaps several volumes! Suffice it to say, my mind/heart/spirit are not very happy campers right now and are certainly considering jumping ship.

Family: ..always, always, always comes first in my life. Kyla is the focus of almost every action I take -- even to the detriment of my self-care.... my mother is my heart and my sister is my rock... without these two powerful women in my life, I could not carry on. Whenever I falter, I know that they will be here to lend me a hand up out of the pit, or a shoulder to cry on, or merely shine some light in an otherwise darkened existence.  I often feel as though my mother has been saddled with a 30y/o infant and my sister has gotten the bum-deal of sisterhood... but they both do a wonderful job of assuring me that I am not merely a mar on their lives, and instead a true joy to know and love. They are two of my best friends and I wouldn't know what to do without them .... my dad on the other hand? I don't even know where to begin with my "daddy issues".  This man is more intelligent than he even gives himself credit for (and believe me, he gives himself a LOT of credit!) but sometimes I think he fails to see the human-factor in a lot of things.  Also, he has ruined me for relationship with any other life-partner -- no matter how I try, I will always compare their intellect and conversation ability to him, but, more on that later.... I love my dad, I just had to realize we are friends first and family somewhere much, much further down the ladder. His advice always comes with a "told-you-so" clause and he often misses the question while focusing on what he wants you to have asked. But even with all that, he has been a huge part in scaffolding who I am today and I love him deeply.

Friends: I don't have many, but those I have are more important to me than I could ever find words for. I am often harsh and blunt and can be brutally honest without apparent concern for others emotions. This isn't exactly true -- I do care, I just feel like sometimes having one person who is able to tell you the pure truth (from my perspective of course!) is better than a dozen who are willing to soften the blow by rounding out the edges and answering what you want to hear, rather than what you need to here. I've been told I "don't pull any punches" and that I "shoot from the hips" .... I'm not sure if these are really the euphemisms I want to be related to, but I can think of worse ones, for sure.  I have been called obnoxious by more than a few people and I guess I can see where they come from .... I'm merely not willing to bend who I am to the will of the norm... I am me, no more, no less and if you can't handle it, then believe me, there are LOTS of other people out there to choose from .. but if you CAN? You will have found the ultimate in worthy friendships. I will be there whenever you need me -- granted, I will feel perfectly comfortable to ask for your help when I need it, too... just know that I wont feel affronted if you say no.. no is always an option, obligation is pointless.... I love my friends like family, and family always comes first ... plus, you can't exactly FIRE family ;)

Housing: Adequate. More than that, I'm not sure what to say. I am in cramped quarters. It is a one-bedroom apartment that my daughter and I share. We both have too much stuff for this place. There is _one_ closet. We share a bedroom, which will likely not be such a great idea in a couple years when Kyla is no longer six years old..... Why did I take this place? It met most of my requirements. It is on the main floor of a house, rather than in an apartment building. It has a yard. It is walking distance to Kyla's school (practically across the street). The rent is affordable and inclusive of heat, hydro, cable and wireless internet. The kitchen is excellent. AND the landlady lives upstairs (i.e. accessible for repairs/complaints) with her three kids, one of whom is 16 (potential babysitter?) and another is 6 (built-in playmate!) ... the worst things about living here, aside from the space issue... is that there is only street parking, which wouldn't be so terrible, if we weren't so damn close to Ivor Wynne Stadium, making game nights a sheer impossibility for parking! Am I happy here? Well, I am happy enough. I had considered staying put until Kyla is done eighth grade and moves on to a new school, but I think I'm going to have to look at the reality that by the time she is around 10, we are likely going to be living on top of each other and moving to a bigger place will have to be a serious consideration. But knowing that, means I can keep my eye open in three years or so for a larger place in the same neighbourhood, so she can keep the same friends and stay at the same school.

Employment: None. I am currently a recipient of Ontario Disability Support Program (ODSP). I have a diagnosis of Psychosis NOS, which does not help me very much. My doctor says it is more in line with schizoaffective disorder except all the testing says I am "too high-functioning" to suffer from something as simple to define as that diagnosis. I am currently suffering MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and I also exhibit symptoms of schizotypal personality disorder which is less enthusiastic of a diagnosis for me, since it brings to light what he likes to call my "magical thinking". I do not have magical thinking, simply because I believe in the real existence of telepathy and energy transfer and spiritual beings. I just took this online test and it has this to say about me --

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

*shrug* if you know me, you decide .. if you don't? please don't let this stop you from wanting to know me!!! :)  (how does this fit in under Employment? umn .. I dunno ... ?)

Leisure: gimme a sec while I look up the definition of this word ... I'll get back to you!

Relationship: none/single/wanting/lacking....

Sex: too damn much.

The roles I play
Mother: I'm doing the best I can... and that's about all I can do. I feel very unprepared for all aspects of single parenthood. Some days I think I've done a decent job, other days I think I've screwed my kid up for life. Mostly, I'm tired. I'd say I'm trying, but really, when it comes down to how important and significant this role is, trying is not enough. Some days I lament the way society does NOT honour this role and other days I kick myself in the arse because outward blame will get me nowhere fast.
Friend: I don't think I am a very good friend. I'm not sure I've ever really had any good friends to show me how its done. I will always be there and I will always put myself out for a friend, but I just don't think I know how this role works. My sister and my mother both have life-long, lasting friendships with numerous people. I only recently have met people that I'd like to know for the rest of my life, and yet, many of those relationships faded away when I moved out of Orangeville, and attempts to rekindle them have failed thus far. I want to be a better friend, but don't really know how.
Daughter: I am fairly certain my mom got a whole heck of a lot more than she bargained for with me. I love her to pieces and I am glad for our friendship above and beyond the relationship of mother/daughter. I often worry that I take advantage of her without even noticing...
Sister: I really think my sister got a crap-shot of a deal out of this one. She is truly my hero and I don't know what I would do without her in my life. Some days I feel so completely overwhelmed and with a few words across a phone-line, my sister is able to bring the insanity down into perspective, and I can move on again. I'm not sure what she gets out of this relationship, other than being able to be a really cool aunt to my daughter.... but I couldn't/wouldn't trade her for all the worlds.
Fiend:my oh my, where do I even begin with this one. I think I'll wait. I don't know what to say in a rational form about this right now.
Cat Owner: my poor poor kitty! I feel such guilt that I love him SO much and yet am often very lack on his hygienic needs/requirements. I'm fairly good about feeding him, and petting/cuddling him. But he also needs more play-time and I'm usually too busy or tired to bother. He loves to play fetch and we used to do it every night before bed... but lately I just can't seem to work up the interest... poor li'l guy.
 
My finances: none. Wait, that's not true. My finances are in the negative. I own a car I cannot afford to insure and I have a maxed-out VISA card I cannot afford to pay off. Apparently the world knows just how stupid I am, and hence gave me credit... great.

My dreams: none.

My goals: to complete a degree of SOME sort in school ... eventually?

My emotions: tumultuous.

How I see my current situation: hopeless. My greatest fear is that I'll live and that I'll live a long, long time. I want out. I want out of it all and none of it is ever going to let up. I am always going to be fat. I am always going to be poor. I am always going to be alone. I am always going to fight with my kid. I am always going to be unable to sleep. I am always going to have people only at arms-reach in my world. Do I see all things as black and white, no.. but I do certainly see all things in my world as unending and like black, swirling water that will soon swallow me whole.

How I think others see my current situation: Like somehow I am so very resilient and intelligent and capable... and I'll bounce back soon enough. This is just a small blip on the path, I've been through worse, I've come out the other side... I can do it again, if they just keep on cheering me on! Go team Cass go! .......

and now.. this entry is longer than it needs to be.... and I am going to bed. I will fill in the ones I skipped later-ish. Goodbye and have a good night!

five.double-you.aitch

"In your presence even my shadow acquires the sensation of touch."

Oh ghawd... I once believed touch was the only reason to be corporeal. Now I can't be sure there is any good reason to be stuck here, in this stench of flesh, clinging to bone, grasping at the possible meaning of it all ....

I recently discussed a very simplistic philosophical concept with a new friend. All living creatures ask questions, the smallest insect, to the largest beast and the tallest tree. The five standard forms of inquiry: who, where, what, when, how ... e.g. who: is this a member of my colony or an impostor? where: which direction should I face my leaves to get the greatest sun exposure? how: is there a tool that opens this food I want to eat? ..... but none of the creatures of this planet, aside from homosapien, go so far as to ask 'why'.  This is what sets us apart. The moment we began to question the working of things, the very nature of nature, we stepped off the cycle of natural order and into some sick and twisted parallel course.

I know this is not a new concept, but I do think of it as a very simplistic way to explain a very complex idea.  Natural order of survival requires living beings to navigate the who, where, when, what and how of life.... it is in questioning the 'why' behind all actions and events that separates and divides humans from all that is natural.

I'm tired of asking why.... the problem with this question is not really in the asking, it is the expectation of a clear and concise answer; it is expecting a finite number of answers to any given occurrence of 'why?'

One why always leads to another why ... any four year old can show you this... and the frustration a parent feels in the unending path of this interaction should be a clear sign to us of the futility of such an exercise.

Why do I bother to wake up in the morning? Why must we die alone? Why does it hurt so much when I think of things lost and others unattainable? Why is there such a drastic divide between the have-nothings and the have-plentys? Why does it feel so good when we are touched.... and why does it feel like there is something missing when we aren't?


Why did I leave....

Why ask why???!

three.point.one.four.one.five.nine.two

"I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for"

I found it and let it fade away. Screw that, it didn't fade, I chased it with murder in my eyes and terror in my heart. I eradicated it from my life so fully that I can find no trace of the other side, even after more than a decade of searching.

I have no closure.

I crave him. Who is he? nothing but a memory. There is no part of me that believes he can still be who I once loved, nor that I can ever be anyone he could stomach to be in the same room with. And yet, the part of me that openly purports not to even believe in hope, holds on to a strange, sharp shard of light, turning it and twisting it between my fingers, slicing my flesh and leaking the sanguine essence of my existence hither and thither without concern that it has the very real potential to run dry.

Who was he? Everything. Everything that ever mattered to who I am. Everything that ever felt right. He was my balance; my spirit; the very smile of my soul.

I have been holding my breath since I left him. Even the most beautiful moments of my life -- the birth of my child, her first smile, her laughter...... they have been experienced through a haze of deprivation. My heart does not beat with the same rhythm. Constricted. Confined. Crippled.

the utter simplicity,
the sheer impossibility,
the lingering memory,
the deep-seated need,

...touch me!
            and I shall be born again

10:39p Oct 14, 2001