Saturday, Aug 18, 2001
it starts when I wake up .... in the middle of the night.. for no apparent reason .. suddenly I'm back in "that place" .. where the world is talking to me and trying to tell me something .. I don't know how to explain it without going into everything that's happened in my "trip" ...
I can't even really call them flashbacks.. because it's not like it's reliving something that happened.. it's always progressive.. it's new pieces to the ever-growing puzzle...
it's like I'm allergic to everything .. and different stimulus give me different reactions ..
I can't seem to sit down and write about what happens when it happens.. so I don't know how to give you dates or times ... I'll try to be more punctual with my writing as the week goes on.
Monday, Aug 20
.. I wake up in the morning and I feel like I'm waking up in the wrong place.. like somehow my body is somewhere else and I need to try harder to put this body back to sleep so that I can wake up where I'm supposed to. Like I'm borrowing this time and this place and they're not reality. Sometimes I try. I hold my eyes shut with my fingers and try to open that third-eye and see where I REALLY am, but it doesn't quite work. I hear noises here and feel like they're just to cover up for the noises I'm hearing in the other place. I'm afraid they're burying me alive over there, and one day, when this "game" is all over, I'll wake up in a coffin, underground, and all I'll have with me is a lighter.
Tuesday, Sept 4
I try to go to bed .. and my thoughts just wont stop racing .. I feel like "They" are attempting to fill my brain with the rest of the story.. I don't know how else to explain that part. Somehow there are only 2 people/entities in actual existence, everything else is just figments of their collective imagination so they don't have to feel alone. Some days I think I am the sum total of one of those entities/people .. and other days I feel like I don't exist at all, like I'm just the story teller/keeper of wor(l)ds.... To make the sensations go away, I just pretend like I don't hear it, like I don't understand it .. and slowly things will fade back to normal .. but the problem is I DO understand it.. I CAN hear it when the voices talk to me.. they're never loud and clear, they're always in the distance and something only my subconscious mind picks up .. but I am consciously aware that they are there.........
Other times, I wake up and I'm sure that this is going to be the last day.. time doesn't exist.. it has already expired -- its always 4:20 ... nothing matters .. *sigh*
Wednesday, Sept 12
I lay down to take a nap ... I close my eyes .. and its like somehow I'm transported to this other dimension. I'm stuck in this "game".. its like, I'm controlling the altimeter of my domain ... trying to keep myself level .. and some random bursts of thought tip me one way or the other .... then I try to LOOK with my minds eye at the patterns that are there and I find myself in a tailspin, so I have to try to remember how NOT to look .. and finally I'm back out in that place where I'm just trying to keep myself level ... and if I hold that level spot long enough . its like the game goes on to the next sequence of the game .. where there is this strange rotating image and I have to figure out which way it faces .... and sometimes I do, and I move on .. but by that time I get lost and scared and I try to "wake myself up" .. I'm not really asleep though.......... *sigh*
