What the heck is "thin privilege"?

Zow.... ! This is a great post. As a matter of personal note, I often respond to people who post fat pride at the expense of skinny shaming -- that's not OK. We don't become stronger by knocking others down; we all must rise up together against our mutual enemy -- whoever "they" may be. 

Read on!
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Let’s Talk About Thin Privilege

October 25, 2013 by Melissa A. Fabello

Source: About-Face

I am five-foot-four, 125 pounds.
My measurements are 36-28-38.
I wear size medium shirts, size seven jeans, and (in case you were wondering) size eight shoes.
I have never walked into a clothing store unable to find items in my size.
I have never been asked to pay more for a seat on an airplane.
I have never had someone dismiss me as a dating prospect based on my body type, nor had someone scoff, openly, while watching me eat French fries in public.
I have never experienced a doctor dismissing my concerns with a “lose weight, feel great!” remedy.
And I can open an article with my measurements without fear of judgment.
I walk through this world as a thin person.
And as such, I have never experienced fat discrimination.
That said, I want you to know two things:
1. I am writing this article from a privileged perspective; and
2. I am not here to damn, guilt, or embarrass thin people.
But I think we need to have a talk.
Because it’s so easy to fall back on tired old excuses for why we’re not privileged – and I see this a lot when the topic of thin privilege is broached.
 “How can I have thin privilege? I feel like shit about my body all the time! That’s not privilege! Besides, someone called me out on my ‘chicken legs’ the other day, and how is that different from calling someone fat? And I’m only thin anyway because I have an eating disorder, and trust me, that is not a privilege.”
And I hear what you’re saying.
But I think it’s time for us to look at these excuses (and how they don’t hold up in the grand scheme of things) a little more closely.

Grievances vs. Oppression

Let me start off by saying this: Having your feelings hurt sucks.
And I would never tell you to just “suck it up” or “get over it.”
Because yes, sticks and stones may break your bones, but damn it, words really can hurt you. And so can the general attitudes and behaviors of others.
I’m not here to tell you that your personal grievances don’t matter.
Rather, I’m here to put those feelings into perspective.
Because personal emotional impacts simply are not the same as oppression.
Oppression involves “the systematic subjugation of a group of people by another group of people who have access to social power, the result of which benefits one group over the other, and is maintained by social beliefs and practices.”
In other words, oppression is a special kind of problem.
Here are four reasons why:

1. It is pervasive.

It is woven throughout social institutions, as well as embedded within individual consciousness.
For example, if you make a “fat joke,” everyone around you is going to understand it – because the cultural belief that fat is something to laugh at is widespread.

2. It is restricting.

Structural limits significantly shape a person’s life chances and sense of possibility in ways beyond the individual’s control.
Take a look at these examples of thin privilege. By virtue of not having access to these privileges, the lives of larger people are limited.

3. It is hierarchical.

Dominant or privileged groups benefit, often in unconscious ways, from the disempowerment of subordinated or targeted groups.
Think of the example that I gave earlier about not being passed over as a dating prospect. I benefit from fat discrimination because I’m more likely to have my OKCupid message opened since I have ‘Thin’ or ‘Average’ checked off in the ‘Body Type’ box. I’m more likely to get a date.

4. The dominant group has the power to define and name reality.

That is, they determine the status quo: what is “normal,” “real,” or “correct.”
Take a look at (almost) any store window mannequins or fashion magazine. If thinness is heralded as the status quo, then that continues to put thin people in positions of power when it comes to determining what “average” (or “preferable”) is.
When you have hurt feelings – legitimate as they are – it isn’t the result of subjugation.
The negative attitudes toward you as a privileged person aren’t pervasive, restricting, or hierarchal.
You aren’t losing out on anything just because someone’s words, actions, or beliefs had an emotional impact on you.
And when you move past it – even if it takes years of work, which it very well may – that’s it. It’s over.
Oppression doesn’t work the same way.
Oppression never goes away because everywhere you go, everything you see, and everyone you know reiterates and reinforces it.
And that’s a significant difference.

But Thin People Can Hate Their Bodies

I made a video this summer called ‘How to Get a Bikini Body.’ It repeated the oft-seen-on-social-media body-positive mantra “Put a bikini on your body!” theme.
And people were quick to comment that my message lost its meaning because my body adheres to societal beauty standards. “Easy for you to say,” they said.
And this pissed me off.
Because I wanted to be like, “Well, thin people can hate their bodies, too, ya know! Just because you think it’s ‘perfect’ doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with it!”
But then I realized that they were right.
Because here’s the thing: Can a thin person have body image struggles? Can a thin person be at war with their self-image? Can a thin person hate to look in the mirror?
Absolutely.
And does that suck?
Absolutely.
But the difference between these negative feelings and fatphobia is this: The only person worrying about whether or not I’m meeting beauty standards is me.
And that’s not the same for fat folk.
When you’re not thin, other people on the beach actually do take offense. When you’re not thin, people really do think that you shouldn’t be in a bathing suit. When you’re not thin, people really do make your body their moral obligation.
And while your internal struggle is real and significant, the point is: You might hate your body, but society doesn’t.
That’s thin privilege.

But—But—But—Skinny-Shaming!

Before you worry that I’m going to disregard or otherwise undermine the bullying involved in skinny-shaming, let me reassure you: I’m not going to do that.
Let me address here and now (and loudly) that no one should ever be shamed for their body. I believe whole-heartedly that the body-positive community needs to be open to all body types. And absolutely, it is problematic that people engage in making fun of thin bodies.
I would never tell you that jabs at your “chicken legs” or insinuations (or outright proclamations) that you must have an eating disorder aren’t hurtful or that their effects aren’t far-reaching.
Because they are.
But what I am going to argue is this: As horrible as skinny-shaming is (and it is!), what makes it different is that it does not involve a pervasive fear or hatred of thin bodies.
And while its personal effects are certainly influential, it is not restrictive on a social level.
Let me be clear on two theories that explain how skinny-shaming is fundamentally different from fat-shaming:

1. Skinny-Shaming as a Response to Fat-Shaming

Have you ever heard the supposed-to-be-empowering phrase “Real Women Have Curves?” What about the cringe-worthy assertion that “Only Dogs Want Bones?”
Thin people aren’t really crazy about these. Obviously.
Real women are such because they identify as women, curves or not. And referring to someone’s partner as a dog just because they like someone’s body is degrading. Right?
Right.
But these types of reclamations of fat pride wouldn’t need to exist if fat-shaming wasn’t a thing.
These types of phrases and attitudes were born of a need to say “I’m beautiful, too!” They’re responses to social norms.
And while you can argue that they’re misguided, they’re actually challenging fatphobia.
And while you certainly shouldn’t encourage them if they feel like put-downs, what you need to remember about these phrases, in the words of Lindy West is, “’I’m proud to be fat’ is still a radical statement. ‘I’m proud to be thin’ is the status quo.’”

2. Skinny-Shaming as Rooted in Sexism

It’s absolutely true that regardless of what our bodies look like, society polices them.
And that’s because patriarchal structures benefit from this policing.
And arguably, skinny-shaming is rooted in this type of sexism.
Society wants you to recognize that being thin is “in” – but not too thin, not that thin – because the goal is to keep you insecure.
Take a look at any tabloid cover.
The “So-and-So Has Cellulite!” headline is right next to the “Does So-and-So Have an Eating Disorder?” story. And they both convey the same message: “Ew! Gross!”
For fuck’s sake, we just can’t win.
And not to go all conspiracy theory on you, but that’s exactly what they want.
They (and you can insert anyone you want here for “they” – society, the media, the dieting industry, the executive board for Patriarchy, Inc.) want women to continue to chase after unattainable goals.
But the difference is that the discrimination that fat people experience is at the intersection of sexism and fatphobia.
That is, there’s another layer to it.
So while, yes, shaming anyone is wrong and bad and sexist, fat-shaming is rooted in extra factors that skinny-shaming is not.
So they’re not the same.

Well, I Have an Eating Disorder, So ‘Privilege’ Doesn’t Apply to Me

The blog This Is Thin Privilege details, “When we explain that thin privilege exists despite eating-disordered status, we’ve had thin people with [eating disorders] take offense.”
And I get why that is.
Because having an eating disorder is serious.
And when you feel trapped in and controlled by your body, when you’ve reached that level of self-consciousness, when you’re suffering every single day just to make it through, it’s unlikely that you’ll feel like you’re experiencing privilege.
Because an eating disorder feels like a curse.
But, as This Is Thin Privilege explains, “I think it’s important to note that disability is its own underprivileged status, and in this case, thin people with [eating disorders] are conflating the oppression they feel for lacking able-bodied privilege with a negation of their thin privilege.”
That is: The marginalization that you experience as a person living with an eating disorder is a result of the disorder, not a result of your body.
You experience illness. You experience stigma. You experience symptoms and effects of your disorder.
But that doesn’t negate your thin privilege.
A Man of Color can experience racism and still benefit from his male privilege. An able-bodied woman can experience sexism and still benefit from her able-bodied privilege. A poor white farmer can experience classism and still benefit from his white privilege.
A person with an eating disorder can experience ableism and still benefit from their thin privilege.
Being marginalized in one area doesn’t negate your privilege in another.
—
Privilege can be a difficult thing to talk about. It’s easy to feel defensive when you mistake someone’s asking you to check your privilege for their making assumptions about your life.
But the bottom line that we have to remember is this: Are my negative experiences related to my body grievances, or are they pervasive issues on a societal level?
And if you have your thin privilege in check, you’ll be better able to recognize that most of the time, these issues fall into the former category.

.

Melissa A. Fabello, Managing Editor of Everyday Feminism, is a domestic violence prevention and sexuality educator, eating disorder and body image activist, and media literacy vlogger based out of Philadelphia. She enjoys rainy days, Jurassic Park, and the occasional Taylor Swift song and can be found on YouTube and Tumblr. She holds a B.S. in English Education from Boston University and an M.Ed. in Human Sexuality from Widener University. She can be reached on Twitter @fyeahmfabello. Read her articles here and book her for speaking engagements here.

a torn journal entry

Well ... I made it to 34. I certainly once thought I'd never see the other side of 24.  Fancy that.

Take stock:

   I feel alone more than any other sensation in my world. 

   Like no one knows me.

   Cathy and I are more apart than together & I miss her.

   Tara & I haven't seen e/o in FOREVER & she has a new baby. I lust her.

   Phil and I are more close than apart & I'm not sure what to make of it all.

   Ngozi.  I love her. I'm glad the Universe tossed me a deep/strong friendship for once.

Read this article!!!

"The problem is that rape culture hurts everyone involved. Antiquated patriarchal notions of society make it difficult for men to come forward as rape victims just as much as they foster a desire for a man to be seen as powerful and sexually aggressive. Men shouldn’t feel threatened or attacked when women point out rape culture—they’re telling us about our common enemy. We ought to listen."

A Gentlemen’s Guide To Rape Culture

by: Zaron Burnett III on May 29, 2014

If you are a man, you are part of rape culture. I know … that sounds rough. You’re not a rapist, necessarily. But you do perpetuate the attitudes and behaviors commonly referred to as rape culture.

You may be thinking, “Now, hold up, Zaron! You don’t know me, homey! I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let you say I’m some sorta fan of rape. That’s not me, man!”

I totally know how you feel. That was pretty much exactly my response when someone told me I was a part of rape culture. It sounds horrible. But just imagine moving through the world, always afraid you could be raped. That’s even worse! Rape culture sucks for everyone involved. But don’t get hung up on the terminology. Don’t concentrate on the words that offend you and ignore what they’re pointing to — the words “rape culture” aren’t the problem. The reality they describe is the problem.

Men are the primary agents and sustainers of rape culture.

Rape isn’t exclusively committed by men. Women aren’t the only victims — men rape men, women rape men — but what makes rape a men’s problem, our problem, is the fact that men commit 99% of reported rapes.

How are you part of rape culture? Well, I hate to say it, but it’s because you’re a man.

When I cross a parking lot at night and see a woman ahead of me, I do whatever I feel is appropriate to make her aware of me so that a) I don’t startle her b) she has time to make herself feel safe/comfortable and c) if it’s possible, I can approach in a way that’s clearly friendly, in order to let her know I’m not a threat. I do this because I’m a man.

Basically, I acknowledge every woman I meet on the street, or in an elevator, or in a stairway, or wherever, in a way that indicates she’s safe. I want her to feel just as comfortable as if I weren’t there. I accept that any woman I encounter in public doesn’t know me, and thus, all she sees is a man — one who is suddenly near her. I have to keep in mind her sense of space and that my presence might make her feel vulnerable. That’s the key factor — vulnerability.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t spend much of my life feeling vulnerable. I’ve come to learn that women spend most of their social lives with ever-present, unavoidable feelings of vulnerability. Stop and think about that. Imagine always feeling like you could be at risk, like you were living with glass skin.

As modern men we must seek out danger. We choose adventures and extreme sports in order to feel like we’re in jeopardy. We make games of our vulnerability. That’s how differently men see the world from women. (Obviously, stated with full acknowledgment that there’s a vibrant community of extreme athletes that are women, who regularly risk their safety as well. However, women don’t need to engage in adrenalin sports to feel at-risk.)

Now, I stand about a finger of tequila under six feet. I work out and would say I’m in decent shape, which means when I’m out alone at night, I rarely ever fear for my safety. Many men know exactly what I mean. Most women have no idea what that feels like — to go wherever you want in the world, at any time of day or night, and feel you won’t have a problem. In fact, many women have the exact opposite experience.

A woman must consider where she is going, what time of day it is, what time she will arrive at her destination and what time she will leave her destination, what day of the week is it, if she will be left alone at any point … the considerations go on and on because they are far more numerous than you or I can imagine. Honestly, I can’t conceive of having to think that much about what I need to do to protect myself at any given moment in my life. I relish the freedom of getting up and going, day or night, rain or shine, Westside or downtown. As men we can enjoy this particular extreme luxury of movement and freedom of choice. In order to understand rape culture, remember this is a freedom that at least half the population doesn’t enjoy.

That’s why I go out of my way to use clear body language and act in a way that helps minimize a woman’s fear and any related feelings. I recommend you do the same. It’s seriously, like, the least any man can do in public to make women feel more comfortable in the world we share. Just be considerate of her and her space.

You may think it’s unfair that we have to counteract and adjust ourselves for the ill behavior of other men. You know what? You’re right. It is unfair. Is that the fault of women? Or is it the fault of the men who act abysmally and make the rest of us look bad? If issues of fairness bother you, get mad at the men who make you and your actions appear questionable.

Because when it comes to assessing a man, whatever one man is capable of, a woman must presume you are capable of. Unfortunately, that means all men must be judged by our worst example. If you think that sort of stereotyping is bullshit, how do you treat a snake you come across in the wild?

…You treat it like a snake, right? Well, that’s not stereotyping, that’s acknowledging an animal for what it’s capable of doing and the harm it can inflict. Simple rules of the jungle, man. Since you are a man, women must treat you as such.

The completely reasonable and understandable fear of men is your responsibility. You didn’t create it. But you also didn’t build the freeways either. Some of the things you inherit from society are cool and some of them are rape culture.

Since no woman can accurately judge you or your intentions on sight, you are assumed to be like all other men. 73% of the time a woman knows her rapist. Now, if she can’t trust and accurately assess the intentions of men she knows, how can you expect her to ever feel that she can accurately assess you, a complete stranger? Rape prevention is not just about women teaching women how not to get raped — it’s about men not committing rape.

Rape prevention is about the fact that a man must understand that saying “no” doesn’t mean “yes,” that when a woman is too drunk/drugged to respond that doesn’t mean “yes,” that being in a relationship doesn’t mean “yes.” Rather than focus on how women can avoid rape, or how rape culture makes an innocent man feel suspect, our focus should be: how do we, as men, stop rapes from occurring, and how do we dismantle the structures that dismiss it and change the attitudes that tolerate it?

Since you are a part of it, you ought to know what rape culture is.

According to Marshall University’s Women’s Center website:

Rape Culture is an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence against women is normalized and excused in the media and popular culture. Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, the objectification of women’s bodies, and the glamorization of sexual violence, thereby creating a society that disregards women’s rights and safety.

When a woman first told me I was part of rape culture, I wanted to disagree for obvious reasons. Like many of you I wanted to say, “Whoa, that ain’t me.” Instead, I listened. Later, I approached a writer I respect. I asked her to write an article with me, wherein she’d explain rape culture to me and to male readers. She stopped returning my emails.

At first, I was annoyed. Then as it became clear she wasn’t going to respond at all, I actually got mad. Luckily, I’ve learned one shouldn’t immediately respond when they feel flashes of anger. Thunder is impressive but it’s the rain that nourishes life. So I let that storm pass and thought about it. I took a walk. They seem to jangle my best thoughts loose.

Blocks from my house, in front of a car wash it dawned on me. If rape culture is so important to me I needed to find out for my self what it is. No woman owes me her time just because I want to know about something she inherently understands. No woman should feel she has to explain rape culture to me just because I want to know what it is. No woman owes me shit. I saw how my desire for a woman to satisfy me ran deep. Even my curiosity, a trait that always made me proud, was marred with the same sort of male-centric presumption that fuels rape culture. I expected to be satisfied. That attitude is the problem. I started reading and kept reading until I understood rape culture and my part in it.

Here’s a bullet-point list of examples of rape culture.

· Blaming the victim (“She asked for it!”)

· Trivializing sexual assault (“Boys will be boys!”)

· Sexually explicit jokes

· Tolerance of sexual harassment

· Inflating false rape report statistics

· Publicly scrutinizing a victim’s dress, mental state, motives, and history

· Gratuitous gendered violence in movies and television

· Defining “manhood” as dominant and sexually aggressive

· Defining “womanhood” as submissive and sexually passive

· Pressure on men to “score”

· Pressure on women to not appear “cold”

· Assuming only promiscuous women get raped

· Assuming that men don’t get raped or that only “weak” men get raped

· Refusing to take rape accusations seriously

· Teaching women to avoid getting raped instead of teaching men not to rape

You’ll quickly find that rape culture plays a central role in all the social dynamics of our time. It’s at the heart of all our personal interactions. It’s part of all our social, societal and environmental struggles. Rape culture is not just about sex. It is the product of a generalized attitude of male supremacy. Sexual violence is one expression of that attitude. Again, don’t let the terminology spook you. Don’t get hung up on the term “male supremacy.” The term isn’t the problem. The problem is that rape culture hurts everyone involved. Antiquated patriarchal notions of society make it difficult for men to come forward as rape victims just as much as they foster a desire for a man to be seen as powerful and sexually aggressive. Men shouldn’t feel threatened or attacked when women point out rape culture — they’re telling us about our common enemy. We ought to listen.

Now that you know what it is, what can you do about rape culture?

· Avoid using language that objectifies or degrades women

· Speak out if you hear someone else making an offensive joke or trivializing rape

· If a friend says she has been raped, take her seriously and be supportive

· Think critically about the media’s messages about women, men, relationships, and violence

· Be respectful of others’ physical space even in casual situations

· Always communicate with sexual partners and do not assume consent

· Define your own manhood or womanhood. Do not let stereotypes shape your actions.

What else can you do about rape culture when you experience it IRL?

1. Men can confront men.

No one is suggesting violence. In fact, that’s what we’re looking to avoid. But sometimes, a man needs to confront another man or a group of men in a situation. When I’m out in public and I see a man hassling a woman, I stop for a moment. I make sure the woman sees me. I want her to know I’m fully aware of what’s happening. I wait for a moment for a clear indication from her of whether she needs help. Sometimes, the couple will continue right on fighting like I’m just a hickory tree. Other times, the woman will make it clear she’d like backup and I approach the situation. I’ve never had to get violent. Usually, my presence alone makes the guy leave if he’s a stranger, or explain himself if they’re familiar. It changes the dynamic. That’s why I always stop when I see a woman getting hassled in public. For any reason. I make sure any woman, in what could become a violent situation, one I may or may not be correctly assessing, feels that she has the opportunity to signal to me if she needs assistance. I’m a big brother to a sister so that response is practically instinctual.

But, I don’t limit this to women. I’ve also done this for two men who were clearly in a lovers’ spat. Whenever you see a situation spiraling out of control, and especially if someone is crying for help or being attacked, you should confront the situation. You don’t need to “break it up.” But engage, get involved, take down pertinent information, alert authorities, call the police. Do something.

2. Men can correct men.

If you hear a guy say some jacked-up slurs in front of you and there’s no one from that particular community around to be offended, you can still say something. This is also true when you hear misogynistic language. Speak up. Tell your friend or co-worker that rape jokes are bullshit and you won’t tolerate them.

Trust me you won’t lose your “man card.” If you’re older than nineteen and you’re still worried about your man card, you don’t understand what respectable masculinity is about, anyway. It’s not about cultish approval from others — it’s about being “your own man” and doing the right thing. You might be surprised by how many other men will respect you for doing what they wanted to but didn’t. I’ve heard it plenty. I’m not some social justice cop, but I have and will argue with whole roomfuls of men. Later on, some dudes will approach me and say how much they respected what I did. I always tell them it gets easier to speak up every time you do it. I promise you that’s true.

No one is suggesting you go around policing everybody. I don’t make it my business to make sure everyone live by my yardstick. No one needs you telling them what you think about every little thing they say and whether it meets your criteria for social awareness. But when some dude says some foul shit, and you know it — we all hear those jokes — you can let the dude know his rape joke or his “she’s a whore” analogy didn’t play.

3. Men can make other men STFU.

Let’s say, you’re in a group of men, and one of your friends starts hollering at a girl — tell him to knock it the fuck off. You won’t be a punk for speaking up for the woman. As long as you don’t try to score points with her for “defending her,” you won’t be white-knighting it either. You’re just doing the right thing. No one needs some sexist clown hollering at her because the dude popped a mental woody. Cat-calling is one of the worst advertisements for male sexuality there is. Those assholes make us all look like complete tools. You get that, right? We need to cut that shit out.

Working construction is when I learned to speak up to a group of men. You have to do it. Mostly, you do it because you want to respect yourself. Otherwise, you’re another pathetic man that allows a guy to mistreat a woman in your presence. When a guy cat-calls a woman and you don’t say something, he just treated her like a cheaply degraded sex object for his satisfaction and he turned you into the punk-ass that’s willing to allow him to mistreat a woman in your presence … while you say nothing.

What would your grandfather think if he saw you in that moment? Would he be proud of you? Are you proud of yourself? Male pride is good for something — use it to be your better self. Don’t be that silent punk that goes along with the crowd to get along with the crowd. Speak up when someone cat-calls a woman in front of you. Tell them to shut the fuck up. As a man, you have power. Use it. Men respect conviction.

4. It’s our job to have standards for ourselves, and thus, for all men.

You may think, “Zaron, man, lighten up, brother. Cat-calling is not that big a deal. Aren’t we making a mountain out of a molehill? Some women like it.” You may be right. Maybe some women do like it. That doesn’t matter. I like to speed. My cousin likes to smoke pot in public. Neither of us gets to do what we like. That’s just how it goes sometimes when you’re a member of a society. If you find that woman who likes to be cat-called, go for it, just do it behind closed doors. When you’re in public, respect the physical and mental space of others.

Don’t limit yourself to being a man. Be a mensch. Be a human being.

When something like #YesAllWomen occurs in our cultural conversation and women the world over are out there sharing their experiences, their trauma, their stories and their personal views, as men, we don’t need to enter that conversation. In that moment, all we need to do is listen, and reflect, and let their words change our perspective. Our job is to ask ourselves how we can do better.

Moms are moms!

To all my mommy friends: If you haven't read this, it's okay -- you've already lived it! I full-on LOL'd so loud at one line that I thought I was going to wake Kyla up (in the comments, see if you can guess which line!) 

Read:

5 Minutes in a Mom's Head

Posted: 06/09/2014 11:51 am EDT

Bunmi Laditan  Author, The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Life

What time is it? What day is it? Oh gosh this bed feels so good. Why can't I just stay here all day. That would be the perfect vacation. Screw the Caribbean, I just want my bed. My bed with Netflix and cheesecake. And Tostitos. Guacamole, too. Mmm. Nachos. And sangria. I'll never be skinny. Maybe I should do that Facebook ab challenge. Because I need something fresh to fail at. I should do a cheesecake challenge. Try a new cheesecake every day. 

What are they fighting about? A highlighter? In a room full of toys that I paid good money for, these kids are fighting over a highlighter? Speaking of toys, I should probably wash their stuffed animals. What if they're full of dust mites. What if there's an entire city of dust mites right behind Tenderheart Bear's eyes? A dust mite community with freeways and infrastructure and elected dust mite officials. I need to be more on top of this stuff. Why can't I be a normal, responsible, Pinterest mom? I haven't made my baby one sensory table or ice tray full of colorful little finger foods.

What do I need to do today... return calls, answer emails, return texts from days ago... people probably think I'm so rude. I need to get organized. I need to organize this whole house. This room is a mess. I saw on Oprah that your bedroom is a reflection of your marriage. God please don't let that be true. I need to declutter. At the very least I need to put away all of this laundry. It's a bad sign when you run out of laundry baskets and start using clear storage containers. But first I need to take all of the clothes out of all of the drawers and sort. I'm tired of seeing my 4-year-old put on 2T pants. But they kind of look like capri pants, right? I just hate getting rid of clothes. Especially when I know they can't be passed down. Maybe we should have another baby. I don't feel done. I feel crazy and stressed out, but not done. Would I need a bigger car? I am not driving a minivan.

They should definitely have some fruit this morning. Strawberries. Too bad they're not organic. Aren't they on the dirty dozen list? It's probably better to eat air than a non-organic strawberry. They're probably just pesticides in the shape of strawberries. Strawberry-shaped toxic bombs of agricultural poison. I'll rinse them first.

I need to clean out the fridge. And the freezer. We're never going to eat that stuff. I hate that we waste so much. What am I going to make for dinner tonight? I've already done tacos... chicken... nobody likes my meatloaf. We need to eat less meat. I'm killing my family. Pasta? But gluten is bad, right? Rice. Rice with... I don't know. Maybe I'll just pick up a pizza. I've cooked for three nights in a row and deserve a night off. Definitely pizza.

I wish I could be more like my sister-in-law. She's so organized. My house looks like an outlet mall threw up in here and then lay down and made vomit angels in the vomit. Today is definitely a mopping day. Last night I think I saw a dust bunny roll across the family room like a tumbleweed in those old Western films. But first I have to go to the store and get some vinegar. I should throw out all of the harsh cleaners. Those chemicals are probably hurting the baby. It'll be my fault if there's ever something wrong with him. Me and my stupid love of Fresh Scent. What is Fresh Scent anyway? Wouldn't Fresh Scent technically be odorless? It's just that Fresh Scent makes me feel accomplished. Like I did something. They should call it "Progress Scent" or "I Tried Scent."

I need to get more pacifiers. At this point I'm starting to think they evaporate into thin air. Maybe goblins come in the night and steal them for their goblin babies. Speaking of goblins, I should sign them up for summer camp today. I hope I haven't missed the deadline. I can't believe how expensive camp is this year. I can see why some moms turn to stripping. Wasn't there a Lifetime movie about that? Stripping For Summer Camp?

Everyone needs doctor appointments. I wish doctors made house calls. But then I'd have to clean. Maybe I'd just spritz a little I Tried Scent in the air.

OK, if I don't get up now we're going to be late. Oh man, I have to stop for gas. I'm on empty. Why do I always wait until the last minute? Because I was rushing home to make dinner.
They want breakfast. Why haven't I heard the baby yet? Is he OK? I hope he's OK. Did he wake up last night? I can't remember. Oh no. What if I go in there and... oh, there he is. He's screaming now. I wish he'd sleep a little longer.

Bunmi is the author of Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault. This is a humor book, please calm down.

Strength ....

This image is funny, but in all seriousness, that Russia picture is exactly why I'm afraid to lose weight -- I've been independent my whole life.. I can't count the number of times I've had to move large pieces of furniture or ghawd knows what else, all by myself .. and while it is frustrating and I might ache later, it's not the end of the world. I one-armed my van tires on rims, while the lovely, pretty petite woman who was helping me could almost not move the things. I carry all my groceries and huge bags of kitty litter or whatever the fck else needs to be moved -- because I have the sheer force of my body and the muscles required. I'm not the type who is going to be at the gym working out every day to maintain muscle mass to be able to still do this stuff. I nearly broke myself 2 wks ago moving a steel-frame trundle bed we bought on kijiji for my kid ... but it needed to be done, so I did it. I always just have. What do I do if I can't? I held all my grocery bags all in my pinky finger the other day, cuz I was saying to my mom how it amazes me that the human body can do such awesome things -- and she said "uhh, yours maybe, I can't do that!" ... oh.

Worthwhile story!

This could have pissed me off for so many reasons -- but it doesn't; it is beautiful ..... it makes me think of what does piss me off .... when a little child, 3 or 4 years old, says "mommy, her arms are huge!" and the parent, embarrassed by their own ingrained discomfort with size, shushes that little voice, beginning the seeds of the same discomfort -- teaching (incorrectly so) that size is something we don't talk about, we don't acknowledge, we turn our head from ...... Well y'know what, mother of that child... I AM A PERSON TOO, and yes, my arms are huge, your kid may as well have said "mommy, she has brown hair" ...... every time you teach your kids to turn away from something that is simple fact, you are watering those seeds and creating the society that I eat to escape from. So to the fatty walking the track -- kudos to you for being able to rise above it all and working out for yourself, for your health, for your future. I keep trying. I keep getting out there, but I keep failing. I'll start again though, because my story is far from done. #HAES


It starts here:

To The Person Running On The Track This Afternoon: I Really Hope You Read This

17 March, 2013

Also seen as:

Hey, Out of Shape Girl.

Yes, you. The one feigning to not see me when we cross paths on the running track. The one not even wearing sports gear, breathing heavy. You’re slow, you breathe hard and your efforts at moving forward make you cringe.

You cling shyly to the furthest corridor, sometimes making larger loops on the gravel ring by the track just so you’re not on it. You sweat so much that your hair is all wet. You rarely stay for more than 20 minutes at a time, and you look exhausted when you leave to go back home. You never talk to anyone. I’ve got something I’d like to say to you.

You are awesome.

If you’d look me in the eye only for an instant, you would notice the reverence and respect I have for you. The adventure you have started is tremendous; it leads to a better health, to renewed confidence and to a brand new kind of freedom. The gifts you will receive from running will far exceed the gigantic effort it takes you to show up here, to face your fears and to bravely set yourself in motion, in front of others.

You have already begun your transformation. You no longer accept this physical state of numbness and passivity. You have taken a difficult decision, but one that holds so much promise. Every hard breath you take is actually a tad easier than the one before, and every step is ever so slightly lighter. Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible.
You’re a hero to me. And, if you’d take off the blaring headphones and put your head up for more than a second or two, you would notice that the other runners you cross, the ones that probably make you feel so inadequate, stare in awe at your determination. They, of all people, know best where you are coming from. They heard the resolutions of so many others, who vowed to pick up running and improve their health, “starting next week”. Yet, it is YOU who runs alongside, who digs from deep inside to find the strength to come here, and to come back again.

You are a runner, and no one can take that away from you. You are relentlessly moving forward. You are stronger than even you think, and you are about to be amazed by what you can do. One day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll step outside and marvel at your capabilities. You will not believe your own body, you will realize that you can do this. And a new horizon will open up for you. You are a true inspiration.

I bow to you.

(via flintland.blogspot.com/)

International Women's Day

Today we celebrate what it is to be women... Living in a privileged nation, I get to do that each and every day of my life. Today I celebrate the women and girls who fight for survival with every breath; who walk in silence so that they may return another day; who meet in quiet basements and discuss their future; who plan and act decisively towards a better life for themselves and their daughters; and those brave enough to speak out even at the risk of their own life. Today I celebrate every woman aiming to make a difference -- towards a world of equality for all. What does March 8th mean to you? #IWD2014

a torn journal entry

Sometimes it just feels silly that I'm such a mess -- that I can't let go of the psychosis-like thoughts that haunt my days and fill my nightmares.  Other times it feels stupid that I could ever slip into this faux reality and believe it to be all there is...

Mostly I just want to cry because I can't make anything better. Not me, and most certainly not Kyla. I love her and I want the best for her but I can't seem to be who/what I need to be to make that happen.

I am not happy.

Being in this relationship with Phil is taking more than giving to me.  How do I get out? :(