I forever call out your true identity. You are not Casual, you are Empty. And it is finally time for me to tell you to hit the road. You are not wanted here any more. I have been visited by you for almost a decade now, and really, since I was 16 and didn't have a choice, didn't know better, didn't really understand the invitation I was extending.
Well, I'm an adult now. I know the feelings that come with your arrival. The emptiness, the guilt, the feeling of self-rape and degradation. I want no more of this. I will rewrite my script and I will find meaningful and real interactions with other mature adults that have no basis in your realm. Empty Sex, you shall cease to rule my existence.
While I have had some friendships form out of your easy means of interaction, these relations will always be tainted by questions of intent. Is he only here for the sex? Does she come back because I make her feel sexy and wanted? Is he only saying those nice things so he'll get some later?
And the fear of what may come, hidden between the sheets, requiring a professional's attention, or even worse, a life-sentence, shall haunt my nightmares no more.
I bid you a quick, painless goodbye and ask only that you do not write.
Yours in sincerity,
Cassandra J. Henry
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Creepy things happen to me all the time!
The latest:
Kyla and I were driving home from Etobicoke to St. Catharines .. (I, of course, was driving, she was in the back seat!) and as happens quite often, she was starting to feel car-sick, so I told her to look out the window and find the furthest thing she could see and try to figure it out .. so she decided to find shapes in the clouds ... and she said she could see a dragon's tail ... and its head was up above the car ... so I played along, wondering if it was going to eat the car! And she shouted YES! .. so I asked if she knew a magic spell to protect us, she didn't know one, but said she knew one to make us invisible... and she proceeded to chant a spell that involved lots of hand actions and spooky words and swooshing noises ... and then she said "Okay! Now we are invisible!" .. and silly me, told her it worked, that I couldn't see the car at all! And no sooner had she said "yay! neither can anyone else! I really am magic!" ... then the big black truck to my left put on his signal and changed lanes RIGHT into me .. I honked and edged onto the shoulder of the road and braked all at the same time ... there was no accident, thank goodness, but the driver of the truck didn't even seem to REACT to my honks or evasive actions.... as though we weren't even there!!!
Kyla and I were driving home from Etobicoke to St. Catharines .. (I, of course, was driving, she was in the back seat!) and as happens quite often, she was starting to feel car-sick, so I told her to look out the window and find the furthest thing she could see and try to figure it out .. so she decided to find shapes in the clouds ... and she said she could see a dragon's tail ... and its head was up above the car ... so I played along, wondering if it was going to eat the car! And she shouted YES! .. so I asked if she knew a magic spell to protect us, she didn't know one, but said she knew one to make us invisible... and she proceeded to chant a spell that involved lots of hand actions and spooky words and swooshing noises ... and then she said "Okay! Now we are invisible!" .. and silly me, told her it worked, that I couldn't see the car at all! And no sooner had she said "yay! neither can anyone else! I really am magic!" ... then the big black truck to my left put on his signal and changed lanes RIGHT into me .. I honked and edged onto the shoulder of the road and braked all at the same time ... there was no accident, thank goodness, but the driver of the truck didn't even seem to REACT to my honks or evasive actions.... as though we weren't even there!!!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Kyla moments!
I keep meaning to write these down, so I thought I'd take a second and pop them on here:
1) We were out for dinner with my mom and sister last night, and they now bring the debit machine right to your table. So there my mom is, punching in tip and such, and Kyla slips out of her chair to watch over my mom's shoulder. After a moment, Kyla pipes up "Are you going to win?" (as though a video game is being played!) :) it was very very adorable!
2) We do not have television in our house. Not that we don't have a physical TV, but anything that goes on it is either downloaded from the internet or store-bought. Kyla has been VERY into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and I found the first three seasons from the 1980's airing for her to watch (nearly 80 episodes). We do have rabbit-ears on her little television, and she often gets PBS in the morning before school. This morning I woke up with a headache and so I got Kyla breakfast and turned the tv on for her -- but it was on a different station. Eventually, the more recent version of TMNT came on, but about half-way through, Kyla came into my room and asked if she could please watch her other TMNT, because she was didn't want to "watch a little bit of the show, and then watch bunch of pieces about other shows that are going to be on, before watching more of this show!" .. it took me a minute to understand that she meant, she didn't like commercials!! :)
I love her every day, but some moments are just ... more!
1) We were out for dinner with my mom and sister last night, and they now bring the debit machine right to your table. So there my mom is, punching in tip and such, and Kyla slips out of her chair to watch over my mom's shoulder. After a moment, Kyla pipes up "Are you going to win?" (as though a video game is being played!) :) it was very very adorable!
2) We do not have television in our house. Not that we don't have a physical TV, but anything that goes on it is either downloaded from the internet or store-bought. Kyla has been VERY into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and I found the first three seasons from the 1980's airing for her to watch (nearly 80 episodes). We do have rabbit-ears on her little television, and she often gets PBS in the morning before school. This morning I woke up with a headache and so I got Kyla breakfast and turned the tv on for her -- but it was on a different station. Eventually, the more recent version of TMNT came on, but about half-way through, Kyla came into my room and asked if she could please watch her other TMNT, because she was didn't want to "watch a little bit of the show, and then watch bunch of pieces about other shows that are going to be on, before watching more of this show!" .. it took me a minute to understand that she meant, she didn't like commercials!! :)
I love her every day, but some moments are just ... more!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
25 random things about me...
Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
(intentionally left un-numbered, but I assure you, there ARE twenty-five!)
Hallmark-holidays depress me. I always say I want to celebrate earth-driven holidays, like solstices, but I never seem to gather with the right people for such celebratory events to occur. Help?
I enjoy baking for other people. Cheesecake, muffins, apple crumble, zucchini bread, cookies, whatever. I recently discovered a recipe for double-chocolate cookies and replaced the chips w/ mint chips -- DIVINE!
I like to think that I think differently than other people. I've never been anyone but me, so I don't know how other people think. This creates a certain fallacy of my first statement. Tell me, do you think like I think? And if we thought the same, would we express our thinking in the same manner? What do you think?
The first boy I ever 'dated' was when I was 12. It wasn't until I was 15 that I had my heart broken and it wasn't until 19 that I was devastated by love. I often wonder if we ever truly recover from those wounds.
If I had to pick a favourite "great mind" it would be Arthur Schopenhauer. If I had to pick a favourite "artist" it would be Alex Grey. If I had to pick a favourite place, it would be inside a cuddle.
I've always wanted to write a book (since I was 9 at least). I've had poetry published and even some of my art, but it is the elusiveness of form that leads me astray from book-dom.
There is nothing quite as spectacular to watch as professional yo-yoing.
My favourite flower is a white calla lily. Roses are over-done, Carnations are my mom's flower and anything else just doesn't come close to the elegance of my favourite.
I often leave off reading the last chapter, or couple pages of a book, if I'm certain the author will end the story in a way I don't want to accept -- to this day I've yet to read the end of Cujo, Fahrenheit 451, and several others.
My favourite 'colours' are argyle, camouflage and paisley.
Kyla's middle name (Raeghan) came to me in a dream while I was pregnant. I wish I'd pushed harder for it to be her first name. I still hold hopes that she will change to it when she's older.
I watched the one movie that is guaranteed to make me cry every time (Untamed Heart) for the first time this year without crying, and I felt terrible for not being able to shed tears. Have I changed that much?
I often feel like the whole world is laughing at me behind my back, and if I were to leave the room just a moment later than I meant to, I might catch the first sniggers.
I love my daughter more and more every day, and yet the older she gets, the harder it is to be a single parent.
The most exhilarating high I have ever felt was after talking to 300+ grade 9 students about making good choices (and not choosing drugs!). It was better than any drug I've ever done (and I've done too many to list!) I am terrified to do a talk like that again, but I know I will.
I have a cat named Elvis and a cat named Trinity that live with me, but they are not my cats. I have a cat named T.O.C. (The Other Cat) who does not live with me, but he will always be my cat.
I feel guilty when I let my daughter's fish die (four times!) and really bad about flushing them down the toilet without so much as a farewell.
I haven't even applied to Ryerson yet (I will by Tuesday of next week) and I am already looking at the cost of living in Toronto.
I've always been a high 80's or 90's student, without ever truly applying myself. I am afraid to actually apply myself to something, for fear of failure -- I have never failed at anything serious in my life (except relationships).
I forgot my dad's birthday for the first time in my life this year.
I value my alone time. In a world so full of people and commitment and responsibilities and appointments and rush-hour and dead-lines and, and, and! I value the ability to sit, alone, in a quiet space, with a cup of (Chai) tea.
I give. I give to the point of my own detriment. I give so much that people just expect it of me and don't even notice. I wish sometimes I could stop giving, but half the time I don't even notice that I am!
Twenty-five seems rather arbitrary. The last one I read asked for sixteen, which also holds no significance. Would eighteen suffice? Would thirty be too many? A goal of mine might be to find the exact number that holds enough information without being overwhelming and yet not quite enough to be filling. (Is it a baker's dozen?)
I'm OCD about many, MANY, many things. The problem is -- I can always "get on" with the rest of my life, so it is not classifiable as OCD. But I will dwell on the things left un-done ... if I didn't get to stack my used creamers inside one another, with the sugar packets rolled and stuffed inside the top one, I will feel slighted and focus on the loss for extended periods. If I can't check the time when I wake up, I will feel completely disoriented until I catch a glimpse of clock.
I used to rearrange the items in my fridge before a date would come over, on the off chance he might be looking when I offer him a drink, and will think "wow, she has a very tidy fridge" which, to my mind, would score bonus points in his mind. (Now do we understand why I have relationship problems?!)
(intentionally left un-numbered, but I assure you, there ARE twenty-five!)
Hallmark-holidays depress me. I always say I want to celebrate earth-driven holidays, like solstices, but I never seem to gather with the right people for such celebratory events to occur. Help?
I enjoy baking for other people. Cheesecake, muffins, apple crumble, zucchini bread, cookies, whatever. I recently discovered a recipe for double-chocolate cookies and replaced the chips w/ mint chips -- DIVINE!
I like to think that I think differently than other people. I've never been anyone but me, so I don't know how other people think. This creates a certain fallacy of my first statement. Tell me, do you think like I think? And if we thought the same, would we express our thinking in the same manner? What do you think?
The first boy I ever 'dated' was when I was 12. It wasn't until I was 15 that I had my heart broken and it wasn't until 19 that I was devastated by love. I often wonder if we ever truly recover from those wounds.
If I had to pick a favourite "great mind" it would be Arthur Schopenhauer. If I had to pick a favourite "artist" it would be Alex Grey. If I had to pick a favourite place, it would be inside a cuddle.
I've always wanted to write a book (since I was 9 at least). I've had poetry published and even some of my art, but it is the elusiveness of form that leads me astray from book-dom.
There is nothing quite as spectacular to watch as professional yo-yoing.
My favourite flower is a white calla lily. Roses are over-done, Carnations are my mom's flower and anything else just doesn't come close to the elegance of my favourite.
I often leave off reading the last chapter, or couple pages of a book, if I'm certain the author will end the story in a way I don't want to accept -- to this day I've yet to read the end of Cujo, Fahrenheit 451, and several others.
My favourite 'colours' are argyle, camouflage and paisley.
Kyla's middle name (Raeghan) came to me in a dream while I was pregnant. I wish I'd pushed harder for it to be her first name. I still hold hopes that she will change to it when she's older.
I watched the one movie that is guaranteed to make me cry every time (Untamed Heart) for the first time this year without crying, and I felt terrible for not being able to shed tears. Have I changed that much?
I often feel like the whole world is laughing at me behind my back, and if I were to leave the room just a moment later than I meant to, I might catch the first sniggers.
I love my daughter more and more every day, and yet the older she gets, the harder it is to be a single parent.
The most exhilarating high I have ever felt was after talking to 300+ grade 9 students about making good choices (and not choosing drugs!). It was better than any drug I've ever done (and I've done too many to list!) I am terrified to do a talk like that again, but I know I will.
I have a cat named Elvis and a cat named Trinity that live with me, but they are not my cats. I have a cat named T.O.C. (The Other Cat) who does not live with me, but he will always be my cat.
I feel guilty when I let my daughter's fish die (four times!) and really bad about flushing them down the toilet without so much as a farewell.
I haven't even applied to Ryerson yet (I will by Tuesday of next week) and I am already looking at the cost of living in Toronto.
I've always been a high 80's or 90's student, without ever truly applying myself. I am afraid to actually apply myself to something, for fear of failure -- I have never failed at anything serious in my life (except relationships).
I forgot my dad's birthday for the first time in my life this year.
I value my alone time. In a world so full of people and commitment and responsibilities and appointments and rush-hour and dead-lines and, and, and! I value the ability to sit, alone, in a quiet space, with a cup of (Chai) tea.
I give. I give to the point of my own detriment. I give so much that people just expect it of me and don't even notice. I wish sometimes I could stop giving, but half the time I don't even notice that I am!
Twenty-five seems rather arbitrary. The last one I read asked for sixteen, which also holds no significance. Would eighteen suffice? Would thirty be too many? A goal of mine might be to find the exact number that holds enough information without being overwhelming and yet not quite enough to be filling. (Is it a baker's dozen?)
I'm OCD about many, MANY, many things. The problem is -- I can always "get on" with the rest of my life, so it is not classifiable as OCD. But I will dwell on the things left un-done ... if I didn't get to stack my used creamers inside one another, with the sugar packets rolled and stuffed inside the top one, I will feel slighted and focus on the loss for extended periods. If I can't check the time when I wake up, I will feel completely disoriented until I catch a glimpse of clock.
I used to rearrange the items in my fridge before a date would come over, on the off chance he might be looking when I offer him a drink, and will think "wow, she has a very tidy fridge" which, to my mind, would score bonus points in his mind. (Now do we understand why I have relationship problems?!)
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