a torn journal entry

"feeling uninspired, guess I'll start a fire"

I've been trying lately. Really trying. I'm not sure at WHAT exactly, but I've certainly been trying.

Kyla comes back on Sunday.  I missed her SO much this time around.  I feel like I've been trying to distract myself from her not being here, more than trying to enjoy the break from care-taking for her. Note to self: DO LAUNDRY! :)

I want different furniture.
I want more tattoos.
I want to pay my mom back.
I want to rearrange my bedroom.
I want to do more crafty-art things.
I want to play board games w/ Kyla.
I want to go to the park more.
I want to walk more.
I want to take Kyla swimming more.
I want to eat less.

<3

Let it go.

I'm only so strong
I can hold on forever
but I can't figure out how to let go

I've been keeping the pieces
held together
with a hope and a prayer
for so long,
so long,
they're all fused there

but nothing is where it belongs.

I'm a mess and a wreck
and I'm running on fumes
I'm telling myself
I can do it -- at least, "I think I can. I think I can."

But if its all uphill
and there's no down but the end
how can I hold on
without any breath.

I'm drowning in the sea
of my own reflection
I'm drowning in the pit
of my own intention

I'm no one to me,
but I'm someone to her
and I can't make the images align

I'm alone and alive
I'm alive and alone

Why wont anyone hear
when I call in the night.

If I let it all go....

then what happens to me?


-- 3:35pm July 10, 2013

a torn journal entry

How do I tell him that I feel like I am the one who made the mistake by thinking he could be mature enough to handle the responsibility of a relationship like ours? My life is full of required routine and expectations. I have responsibilities that I simply cannot put off ... I feel that he doesn't meet me on a level playing field -- he is smart, just not lived-experience full (if that makes sense). I should have known better. It is my own failing - that I don't value myself enough to date someone my own age. I feel like I am not good enough. I need to be single until I stop feeling that way. But how do I explain that without hurting him? It isn't a lack of love - it is a lack of connection. We don't fit. But he will take it personally :(