The relationships we have in our lives shape and guide us into the person we are to become tomorrow. When they end, they can change us just as much as they do while we are in them. Sometimes they smooth our edges. Sometimes they harden our resolve. And sometimes, one comes along that seems to carve out our insides and lay us bare before all of creation.
I think some people shy away from those last sort…. saying that they never want to love again, if it means they are going to hurt that way, or cause someone else to hurt that way, ever again!
But I think it is this last sort that make living all the more worth it. Only a great love can leave us so completely devastated. Only a truly deep connection, one that meets us on so many fronts, one that seems like it ought to last an eternity of lifetimes, not just one lifetime, can gut us to our core when it finally reaches an end.
Only the very few are lucky to meet their life partner early on in the process and spend a lifetime together. For the rest of us, we must be worked through the ringer several times over, before we connect “for the last time” and even then, some of us may never make that lasting connection.
Are we really so afraid of the loss, that we’d be willing to give up the depth of love that comes before the crash? Is the pain so great as to wash away the feelings that built to be able to create such a maelstrom of destruction in our hearts and psyche?
I can’t imagine ever not wanting that loss, if it means I could have what comes before.
Sure, it’d be best if what comes before could last — but even knowing the risk involved, I’d still take that leap of faith required of me to fall in love. Every. Single. Time.
And y’know what, I think you would, too.
Human beings are born with the capacity to love. We love our parents before we even know words, let alone the definition of love. We love animals just as easily as other human beings. We love friends and family. And eventually, if we’re lucky, we fall head over heels over senses in love. We throw all caution to the wind and we give ourselves completely to the vulnerability that is love. We let that love grow and surround us; we attempt to find balance, but so many times we tip over and let love ruin us.
I’m not going to talk here about how to maintain a relationship — that’s for another post, another time. What is important here is the idea that …. love is worth the loss. The truly amazing high is worth the truly destructive low. It’s what we do with both of them that matters.
Love like there is no tomorrow. Love like every moment with your loved ones is your last. Say what you need to say, be honest, be bold, let your feelings show. Never shy away from how you feel. Let your partner in and let them in all the way. Build trust and be honest and always communicate. Love freely, unquestioningly, without conditions. Love with your whole self.
And if it still ends, when it’s over, it’s okay to hurt. It’s normal to hurt. It would be abnormal if you didn’t hurt after a love like that. Let yourself feel the pain, allow yourself the freedom to mourn for a great love lost. Cry in the shower, write angry poetry, listen to music that makes your soul bleed. Hurt like you’ve been carved apart with a knife over and over again; like your heart still beats, but it does so outside of your body. Ache like you’re never ached before. Long for the love back and long for death to stop the pain.
But as time ebbs and flows, it will take away small parts of the pain, it will soften the edge of the sharp knife and eventually the pain, when touched, will be almost gentle.
It will happen. It may take more time than you’d like, but it will happen. You will be almost numb to the hurt, almost, but never fully.
And when that finally happens, take a deep breath, and be open! Be open to another opportunity to feel that great love again. Be open to the small loves and the medium loves, be open to friendships so deep they’re almost like that great love. But always be open to the great loves again! Even knowing the hurt that may come, never give up on the great loves.
For what other reason is there to be alive, than to feel the way a great love does?
All things are impermanent, and life is the longest thing you’ll ever know. Love like it is your last breath, and I promise, every breath while you love will be easier and life will feel excitingly longer.
They say we all die alone, but I think we all bring those great loves to us in those last moments. We wear them like a hug, like a cloak, like a living shroud …. we are whisked away on the wings of our memories. And it is the great loves that we will remember the longest.
