| wowie zowie batman! I havn't been home for a while .. but last time I was, xanga was down and I cudnt update any hows! buuut.. things seem to be running smoothly now! yay!! I've been staying at a friend's place a lot lately -- avoiding my roommate ... I havn't been home since last Thursday morning ... today I found out, finally, that my roommate is moving out for the end of September! That means ... I'm looking for a new roommate for the 1st of October, 2003! I live in Guelph, Ontario, Canada! soooo .. if you know anyone interested .. or YOU are interested .. drop me a line! I'm not sure how I'm going to be choosing this new person .. I sure did a fckn BAD job of it last time! But I have a year's lease and I cant exactly afford a 2bdrm apt all by myself! ... its $800 inclusive .. and I have Rogers cable internet that I pay $58.80+tax for .. soooo ... I'd be looking for the new roomie to pay $400/mo and $30/mo for 'net access if they wanted it .. (who doesn't want 'net access?!) I guess I'm gunna do up a nice li'l ad-like-thing and post it at the University of Guelph .. maybe someone else has had roommate problems and they're looking for a new place .. or just havnt found anything ... it sucks tho, that its for Oct .. most Univ. students will more'n likly already have a place .. *sigh* WISH ME LUCK! I'll NEEEED it!  |
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
roommate.no.longer.needed!
[previously posted on xanga]
Thursday, August 7, 2003
oi.
[previously posted on xanga]
| I think I'm ill ... I had a dream last night where I was actually updating this page .... there's just something WRONG about DREAMING about XANGA!!!!!!!!!!!! my boring life prevails .. nothing on the horizon but more crizzzap .. I'm tryna save up some $money$ so I can go on a li'l trip (you know who you are!) .. but I still owe my mom soooo much money from getting my car fixed .. *sigh* I feel like I'll never get outta this hole! .. AND .. I want to buy a webcam! :( My roommate stole my good one .. and I haven't been streaming for months now .. *sigh* I know I'm not this super hawt grrlie that everyone wants to watch .. but .. there's just something THRILLING about having 20+ ppl watching me do ABOSOfcknLUTELY nothing for hrs on end! :) And sometimes they even chatter at me! wooohoo! iont get it ... ever since I rearranged my bedroom (cuz I hadda move my shizznitch from the livingroom into my room when my roommate punked me, so I cud put a deadbolt on the door for whenever I go out) my kitty cat has been sitting at the base of my bookshelves and MEOWing up at them, as if there's SOMETHING he wants me to do/know/get ... I cant figger it out! I mean .. its been over a month now and he STILL does it! I feel like such a dorkwad not knowing what he is getting at! :( maybe I'll figger it out.. maybe I wont .. but either way, I thot y'all shud know about the frustrations in my life! :) hehe okay .. enuff boring drivvel from my fingertips .... cyz! |
Tuesday, August 5, 2003
reposted repostable repost!
[previously posted on xanga]
| [another older piece... dont feel like actually writing today] I woke up late in the game. It was about four months before my twenty first birthday. I hit my head hard on the way out and nearly shut down completely. There were others there to help me -- at least I think they helped, I'm not sure what else they did at the same time. They have chosen to be members of my past, for now, it seems. My name programmed response is Cassandra Jewell Henry and I am now nine days away from my twenty second birthday. It has been an incredibly confusing sixteen months and I'm not sure what the next nine days will bring but I'm sure the tenth of June will prove to be a very interesting experience. Most of this doesn't make any more sense to me than it does to you, but I'm going to try my best to clear that up as soon as possible, just try and trust me for a little while -- as if you've ever done that before in your life. Do you know what I mean by that? Trust? That part of you that lets go and allows someone else to be in control for a moment? The only way I ever came close to achieving it with another person was through love and drugs. I suppose in a way we put our trust in machines every day -- driving a car, microwaving a coffee, flying in a plane -- machines that could destroy us with one missed move and we use them on a regular basis. But have you ever trusted the word of another person and done so because what you were hearing was what you knew to be the actual truth? Well this time around I shit you not. I've been mulling this all over in my head for a good part of the past sixteen months, looking at it from all 7^1024 sides and I've finally come up with a pretty schnazzy explanation that not only makes sense but sounds pretty fun, too. I don't have all the backward inside information but I've sure got a lot going on upfront for me and I'm going to leave my foot stuck in the door and let you glance inside for a moment if you're willing. There's twelve of you. Not you as a whole, but twelve inside of you. They're the players of the ultimate game called you. When you were first conceived the artificial intelligence programming started and cell by cell you became a cube in the game of life. At your time of birth twelve entities were selected and somehow injected into your subconscious mind and became your life force. These players have 49.5% of the control and you as the game board have another 49.5% of the control. It is the final 1% of control that is left to chance and this is what you both fight for in every level of the maze that is your life. Every action has its reaction and ever day you live, you each grow closer to possessing that sought after 50.5% of control but because one can be divided in half for eternity, no one will ever claim it. This is what allows life to continue. The players of the game do not know they are a part of the game and the game board does not know it is a part of the game, however at some point this will change for one side or both and the game will get much much messier. Which side will be the stronger half? Which side can work faster than the other? Who can come closer to winning before the other side? How many digits of pi do you know? This is all known as the ultimate mind fuck. Game boards, or people like you and me, all exist on the same playing field as in a role playing game and can interact with one another. They may even form pairs or teams and work together to help or hinder one another. There are monsters to be fought in many forms on a personal and individual level -- example, sexual abuse or caner -- as well as grouped and global levels -- example, the depletion of the ozone layer or discovering the uncharted territories of the sea and outer space. The reason I spoke of trust is because this is the ultimate and sole link between one game board and another. If there is no trust than the flow of data will be tainted with untruths and ambiguities and neither side will ever learn anything from the interaction, thus gaining nothing towards whatever the ultimate goal of this game is. While all game boards are interacting on their own level, inside each person are twelve players interacting with one another to win a different game they play with one another. There are many levels growing within each human being and every stimulus from the environment changes the maze and creates new obstacles for the twelve players. These players, like people, can play together as teams or simply as individuals. The goal of their game and that which will end it, is the discovery of the piece of code that is imprinted in every human being upon conception that defines it wholly - otherwise known as a name. |
aliter-what-tion ?
[previously posted on xanga]
| sift softly sagging in a sea of self searching, severing senses senselessly seeing something sneaking slowly so soon shower sheer Sundays with sensory salvation sing to me and I will rejoice! |
Monday, August 4, 2003
[previously posted on xanga]
[excerpts from a previous journal ... just random thots, I guess]
10:36a EST Apr11/01
Why bother to write, when anything worth saying has already been said a trillion times over since the beginning of the written word?! Maybe I think the pattern of words I choose to write it in will somehow be JUST right to unlock the truth inside the human soul. Maybe I'll find the rhythm that no one has before and enough people will see the light to bring about a change in the human race.
Maybe... but I doubt it.
Pessimism is not necessarily a good foot to start a work of art on, but it is my only motivator; Love having been worn thin by the sand-filled winds of time -- not enough recognizable shards of glass left to have even a glimmer of hope at being glued back together again.
To write is to Sin.
I wonder how to take a vow of silence. Such strength in the ability to stand on your own and not need reassurance from other sinners around you.
Black on white, white on black, ink bleeding into the medium, however you see it, it is not meant to be.
they, whoever they happen to be, say that knowledge is power. But I say louder that ignorance is freedom, and who wants power when you can be free? King of the land of slobs or Isle of One; my choice has slipped away into a drug-induced frenzy.
The hardest challenge to conquer is love of self, but its not so far out of reach as one might think. Its as easy as simply being. Taking care of oneself and there you have your inner love. Treat yourself like your very own baby, because each day you are reborn, stored with the memories of all your previous daily encounters. Each 24hrs you have the ability to start fresh. Seven days for the seven different faces/masks you wear. Can you separate them? Me neither. Schitzophrenia is something diagnosed by elimination -- if you haven't got any of the other labeled "mental disorders", then you can (yes, CAN, like an opportunity) be skizo. But aren't we all?
I understand now why most diaries come with locks and only two keys. One for opening it by the owner and one in safe-keeping in case the first is lost, damaged or stolen.
In the era of the "INTERNET" and the "WORLD WIDE WEB", where you can sign on and read almost any number of on-line diaries and place your own, nothing is private, nothing left sacred to the owner. Memories are now as valuable as well-used facial tissue - full of holes and clumps of mucus. Why bother experiencing things on your own when you can just tune into someone else's life and learn from their mistakes? Television at its best. MTV had it right with "The Real Life" because that's what is flashed all over this "WEB".
I've always wanted the world to be together and interconnected and now it is, only there are a mess of personal computers and light years of cable holding everyone apart. Why bother getting together with a few of your friends for coffee after school, when you've got dozens more waiting at the other end of your keyboard?
In a society where we allow our children to ridicule and often physically beat each other, how can we say there is any love?
The parental unit is removed from the child during the most important growing years, instead of full-time supervision, which a child deserves for a minimum of the first twelve years of growing, they get sloppy-at-best partial supervision inside a system that is more concerned about their own pocket-book rather than the well-being of our races' future.
North-American Western society is a farce.
We flood the streets with garbage that people spend so much of their valuable time "crafting". A little girl has half a dozen broken Barbie dolls and 2 dozen outfits for them, rather than one well-made, cared for, CHERISHED doll that she has been taught it is her responsibility to take care of. We all have closets full of clothes we'll probably never wear because in order to keep industry going, fashion changes with the season, new colours, new shapes, new styles, new CRAP.
We flood our children's waking hours with visions on a box that teach nothing worth learning and by the age of 13 they're already popping out kids of their own that they're not going to take more care of than that REPLACEABLE Barbie doll they learned on.
*sigh* and yet, still all I do is write...
[excerpts from a previous journal ... just random thots, I guess]
10:36a EST Apr11/01
Why bother to write, when anything worth saying has already been said a trillion times over since the beginning of the written word?! Maybe I think the pattern of words I choose to write it in will somehow be JUST right to unlock the truth inside the human soul. Maybe I'll find the rhythm that no one has before and enough people will see the light to bring about a change in the human race.
Maybe... but I doubt it.
Pessimism is not necessarily a good foot to start a work of art on, but it is my only motivator; Love having been worn thin by the sand-filled winds of time -- not enough recognizable shards of glass left to have even a glimmer of hope at being glued back together again.
To write is to Sin.
I wonder how to take a vow of silence. Such strength in the ability to stand on your own and not need reassurance from other sinners around you.
Black on white, white on black, ink bleeding into the medium, however you see it, it is not meant to be.
they, whoever they happen to be, say that knowledge is power. But I say louder that ignorance is freedom, and who wants power when you can be free? King of the land of slobs or Isle of One; my choice has slipped away into a drug-induced frenzy.
The hardest challenge to conquer is love of self, but its not so far out of reach as one might think. Its as easy as simply being. Taking care of oneself and there you have your inner love. Treat yourself like your very own baby, because each day you are reborn, stored with the memories of all your previous daily encounters. Each 24hrs you have the ability to start fresh. Seven days for the seven different faces/masks you wear. Can you separate them? Me neither. Schitzophrenia is something diagnosed by elimination -- if you haven't got any of the other labeled "mental disorders", then you can (yes, CAN, like an opportunity) be skizo. But aren't we all?
I understand now why most diaries come with locks and only two keys. One for opening it by the owner and one in safe-keeping in case the first is lost, damaged or stolen.
In the era of the "INTERNET" and the "WORLD WIDE WEB", where you can sign on and read almost any number of on-line diaries and place your own, nothing is private, nothing left sacred to the owner. Memories are now as valuable as well-used facial tissue - full of holes and clumps of mucus. Why bother experiencing things on your own when you can just tune into someone else's life and learn from their mistakes? Television at its best. MTV had it right with "The Real Life" because that's what is flashed all over this "WEB".
I've always wanted the world to be together and interconnected and now it is, only there are a mess of personal computers and light years of cable holding everyone apart. Why bother getting together with a few of your friends for coffee after school, when you've got dozens more waiting at the other end of your keyboard?
In a society where we allow our children to ridicule and often physically beat each other, how can we say there is any love?
The parental unit is removed from the child during the most important growing years, instead of full-time supervision, which a child deserves for a minimum of the first twelve years of growing, they get sloppy-at-best partial supervision inside a system that is more concerned about their own pocket-book rather than the well-being of our races' future.
North-American Western society is a farce.
We flood the streets with garbage that people spend so much of their valuable time "crafting". A little girl has half a dozen broken Barbie dolls and 2 dozen outfits for them, rather than one well-made, cared for, CHERISHED doll that she has been taught it is her responsibility to take care of. We all have closets full of clothes we'll probably never wear because in order to keep industry going, fashion changes with the season, new colours, new shapes, new styles, new CRAP.
We flood our children's waking hours with visions on a box that teach nothing worth learning and by the age of 13 they're already popping out kids of their own that they're not going to take more care of than that REPLACEABLE Barbie doll they learned on.
*sigh* and yet, still all I do is write...
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