Someone recently decided to end a budding new friendship
and said these words to me [edited for spelling mistakes]: “...your
behaviour at the last party was disrespectful and disgraceful. The way
you treat the ones around you and act in public is a bit embarrassing to
be around. The way you offer yourself to any one willing is
disrespectful to yourself and slutty behaviour like that is not
appealing...”
This writing is not a direct response to that person, it is a reflection of the introspection I’ve done because of those words being said to me.
I am who I am.
I am pansexual — I don’t care where your plumbing is, was, you wish it were or it might be one day. I care about who you are and how we have been able to create a connection. If that leads to sexy fun times, excellent! If it leads to cuddling and getting closer, also excellent! If it never goes that far and we just enjoy one another’s company for a while … that’s good, too
I am polyamorous — my idea is that more connections make for a fuller experience of life, thereby creating more instances for happiness, joy and bliss, therefore producing an all-around more engaged and positive person, who brings that to all of his/her relationships... I don’t do well with restrictions and I don’t feel I have a right to put them on other people. I do my best to obey socially accepted ideas of ownership (“this is MY husband” or “this is MY sub”) and find that honest communication is the best way to avoid stepping on toes.
I am a sadomasochist — I derive pleasure from both giving and receiving pain. I’m always looking to push my limits on what kind of pain I can handle. I am a little intimidated by my own sadism, and therefore do not have a lot of experience in that realm — I get a very deep thrill from causing physical pain that is _unwanted_ by the recipient, and so I generally keep it in check by simply not letting it out. I’m working on ways to express this in a safer environment.
I am a hedonist — Google says “Hedonism is a school of thought that argues that pleasure is the primary or most important intrinsic good. A hedonist strives to maximize net pleasure (pleasure minus pain).” Or, in other terms: I like all of the things that feel good! :) I think one of my friends says it best when she says: “I wish I liked one thing as much as Cass likes everything!”
I am a sapiosexual — I am completely turned on by intellect. When I was 19, the hottest phone sex I ever had was while a friend was explaining board-level circuitry to me. When people are passionate about what they know and they enjoy sharing it, I get extremely excited. There is no topic I’m not at least somewhat interested in! Let’s pick apart M-theory for the afternoon, interspersed with breaks for a sexual romp! :) I’d like to think I am well-read and I’m always engaging in learning. I read non-fiction as much as I read fiction and I’m infinitely curious.
I am perfectly happy with the term slut — I practice safer sex to the best of my ability. I get tested regularly. I engage in open communication with all my partners and always have “the talk” before anything transpires. I believe I am a good judge of character, but for the most part, I’m certain I’ve just been lucky. Do I offer myself to everyone? Pretty damn near! I think people are beautiful and intriguing, and that everyone has something to teach me. I’ve never had a problem creating a deeper connection with people, whether it be for the moment, the year, or a lifetime. I don’t do ‘surface’ or ‘small talk’ very well. I prefer long-term connections, but that is not a requirement. One-offs can be just as fun, or every-so-often. I find that sex only gets better the more you know your partner, but that doesn’t take away from the raw excitement of a momentary fling!
My biggest kink is other people’s kinks — I’m into a lot of things, things that actually turn me on, but the truth is, I enjoy helping other people push their kink to the limit. I may never interact with that kink on my own, but if someone is really deeply into it, their excitement makes it worthwhile for me in the moment. Whether it is discussing verbally or engaging in the actions, I enjoy exploring how a kink manifests in people. I love the way that the same kink can be experienced in so many different nuances for each individual person. There are very few things I won’t help people get off with, and even if there are things I may not actually do, it is still very likely I will engage in fantasy creation with a person. We all get turned on by different things for different reasons and there is no reason why we shouldn’t be able to enjoy them (so long as they aren’t harming others…. or breaking the law!)
I strive to be honest in all my communication — I think it is mind-bogglingly crazy that we can even communicate at all! When I have a thought and I try to put it into words, I am never going to be entirely accurate. (If I say the words “red truck”, what are you thinking? Maraschino cherry red pick-up truck? Bordeaux Mack Truck?) Therefore I think it is important to choose your words carefully and aim for always being as honest as you possibly can. I tend to be rather verbose, because I want to be VERY sure that we’re on the same page. I also have an annoying habit of interrupting someone’s flow to ask questions, because I want to make sure we’re on the same page, and though I’ve been repeatedly scolded for this behaviour, I am not likely to change!
The chest piece tattoo I have says “Locked Inside This Skin”. For me it is a deeply spiritual idea that were it not for our bodies separating us, we’d all be one. I treat others as an extension of myself. I love others as an extension of myself. I do not think this dilutes love, I think this magnifies it to the nth degree.
I have worked very hard to be comfortable in my skin. To love myself, to love my body and to be okay showing it off in public. We don’t get to choose the line of our jaw or the slant of our nose. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and this body is mine with which to give and derive pleasure. I honour it by doing as much of those as I can!
I have struggled for years with body image issues, a binge eating disorder, psychosis, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and much grief and loss. None of these are excuses for my actions — I do my best to be present and accountable for all that I choose to do.
While I realize most people will not share my philosophies and ideals, I also know that I have never forced them upon anyone. I do my best to respect boundaries and listen when people say no, or stop. I ask before I touch and I negotiate before I play. I’m sure that I have been carried away in the moment before, as I’m sure everyone has, but any time I’ve stepped over the line, I’ve been quick to withdraw and even quicker to apologize. I am a hedonist — I believe in pleasure for myself, but I also believe it in for other people. I am not here to hurt anyone (who doesn’t want to be hurt!!) and I don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable such that they cannot enjoy themselves.
A woman I respect greatly was introducing me to a friend of hers once, and she told the story about the first time we met — I was stripping down to get on the table for fire play, and this woman told her friend that she had been nervous about doing that herself, but watching me made her think “if she can do it, so can I!” … She is a beautiful empowered woman. I never imagined a story like this to come out of her mouth; I had no idea I’d had this impact on her! (When I asked her permission to use this story publicly, she said "You gave me courage." which just makes me blush!)
We are all at different stages of our journey. We are all experiencing things from our own very unique perspective. My only hope is that my interactions with other people can be positive and that they enhance the life experience, rather than detract from it. If I ever do something that causes someone else upset or hurt, I would hope they could come to me and talk about it. Communication is key to the growth of any interaction. In other lines of work that I do, I often hear the words “it’s about the impact, not the intent” and they are very wise words indeed. The impact of my actions may harm others, but I can only hope that knowing my intent is never to harm can help us find a harmonious way to interact in the aftermath.
So, to sum this all up…. I am okay with who I am. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s okay by me. :) I’ve had people say “I wish I could be as open as you!” which I take as a nice complement, but I didn’t just START this way! I’ve been working at it my whole life… and I’m not finished yet!
---
Update -- Comments I've received on the other site I've posted this have been really wonderful:
This writing is not a direct response to that person, it is a reflection of the introspection I’ve done because of those words being said to me.
I am who I am.
I am pansexual — I don’t care where your plumbing is, was, you wish it were or it might be one day. I care about who you are and how we have been able to create a connection. If that leads to sexy fun times, excellent! If it leads to cuddling and getting closer, also excellent! If it never goes that far and we just enjoy one another’s company for a while … that’s good, too
I am polyamorous — my idea is that more connections make for a fuller experience of life, thereby creating more instances for happiness, joy and bliss, therefore producing an all-around more engaged and positive person, who brings that to all of his/her relationships... I don’t do well with restrictions and I don’t feel I have a right to put them on other people. I do my best to obey socially accepted ideas of ownership (“this is MY husband” or “this is MY sub”) and find that honest communication is the best way to avoid stepping on toes.
I am a sadomasochist — I derive pleasure from both giving and receiving pain. I’m always looking to push my limits on what kind of pain I can handle. I am a little intimidated by my own sadism, and therefore do not have a lot of experience in that realm — I get a very deep thrill from causing physical pain that is _unwanted_ by the recipient, and so I generally keep it in check by simply not letting it out. I’m working on ways to express this in a safer environment.
I am a hedonist — Google says “Hedonism is a school of thought that argues that pleasure is the primary or most important intrinsic good. A hedonist strives to maximize net pleasure (pleasure minus pain).” Or, in other terms: I like all of the things that feel good! :) I think one of my friends says it best when she says: “I wish I liked one thing as much as Cass likes everything!”
I am a sapiosexual — I am completely turned on by intellect. When I was 19, the hottest phone sex I ever had was while a friend was explaining board-level circuitry to me. When people are passionate about what they know and they enjoy sharing it, I get extremely excited. There is no topic I’m not at least somewhat interested in! Let’s pick apart M-theory for the afternoon, interspersed with breaks for a sexual romp! :) I’d like to think I am well-read and I’m always engaging in learning. I read non-fiction as much as I read fiction and I’m infinitely curious.
I am perfectly happy with the term slut — I practice safer sex to the best of my ability. I get tested regularly. I engage in open communication with all my partners and always have “the talk” before anything transpires. I believe I am a good judge of character, but for the most part, I’m certain I’ve just been lucky. Do I offer myself to everyone? Pretty damn near! I think people are beautiful and intriguing, and that everyone has something to teach me. I’ve never had a problem creating a deeper connection with people, whether it be for the moment, the year, or a lifetime. I don’t do ‘surface’ or ‘small talk’ very well. I prefer long-term connections, but that is not a requirement. One-offs can be just as fun, or every-so-often. I find that sex only gets better the more you know your partner, but that doesn’t take away from the raw excitement of a momentary fling!
My biggest kink is other people’s kinks — I’m into a lot of things, things that actually turn me on, but the truth is, I enjoy helping other people push their kink to the limit. I may never interact with that kink on my own, but if someone is really deeply into it, their excitement makes it worthwhile for me in the moment. Whether it is discussing verbally or engaging in the actions, I enjoy exploring how a kink manifests in people. I love the way that the same kink can be experienced in so many different nuances for each individual person. There are very few things I won’t help people get off with, and even if there are things I may not actually do, it is still very likely I will engage in fantasy creation with a person. We all get turned on by different things for different reasons and there is no reason why we shouldn’t be able to enjoy them (so long as they aren’t harming others…. or breaking the law!)
I strive to be honest in all my communication — I think it is mind-bogglingly crazy that we can even communicate at all! When I have a thought and I try to put it into words, I am never going to be entirely accurate. (If I say the words “red truck”, what are you thinking? Maraschino cherry red pick-up truck? Bordeaux Mack Truck?) Therefore I think it is important to choose your words carefully and aim for always being as honest as you possibly can. I tend to be rather verbose, because I want to be VERY sure that we’re on the same page. I also have an annoying habit of interrupting someone’s flow to ask questions, because I want to make sure we’re on the same page, and though I’ve been repeatedly scolded for this behaviour, I am not likely to change!
The chest piece tattoo I have says “Locked Inside This Skin”. For me it is a deeply spiritual idea that were it not for our bodies separating us, we’d all be one. I treat others as an extension of myself. I love others as an extension of myself. I do not think this dilutes love, I think this magnifies it to the nth degree.
I have worked very hard to be comfortable in my skin. To love myself, to love my body and to be okay showing it off in public. We don’t get to choose the line of our jaw or the slant of our nose. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and this body is mine with which to give and derive pleasure. I honour it by doing as much of those as I can!
I have struggled for years with body image issues, a binge eating disorder, psychosis, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and much grief and loss. None of these are excuses for my actions — I do my best to be present and accountable for all that I choose to do.
While I realize most people will not share my philosophies and ideals, I also know that I have never forced them upon anyone. I do my best to respect boundaries and listen when people say no, or stop. I ask before I touch and I negotiate before I play. I’m sure that I have been carried away in the moment before, as I’m sure everyone has, but any time I’ve stepped over the line, I’ve been quick to withdraw and even quicker to apologize. I am a hedonist — I believe in pleasure for myself, but I also believe it in for other people. I am not here to hurt anyone (who doesn’t want to be hurt!!) and I don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable such that they cannot enjoy themselves.
A woman I respect greatly was introducing me to a friend of hers once, and she told the story about the first time we met — I was stripping down to get on the table for fire play, and this woman told her friend that she had been nervous about doing that herself, but watching me made her think “if she can do it, so can I!” … She is a beautiful empowered woman. I never imagined a story like this to come out of her mouth; I had no idea I’d had this impact on her! (When I asked her permission to use this story publicly, she said "You gave me courage." which just makes me blush!)
We are all at different stages of our journey. We are all experiencing things from our own very unique perspective. My only hope is that my interactions with other people can be positive and that they enhance the life experience, rather than detract from it. If I ever do something that causes someone else upset or hurt, I would hope they could come to me and talk about it. Communication is key to the growth of any interaction. In other lines of work that I do, I often hear the words “it’s about the impact, not the intent” and they are very wise words indeed. The impact of my actions may harm others, but I can only hope that knowing my intent is never to harm can help us find a harmonious way to interact in the aftermath.
So, to sum this all up…. I am okay with who I am. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s okay by me. :) I’ve had people say “I wish I could be as open as you!” which I take as a nice complement, but I didn’t just START this way! I’ve been working at it my whole life… and I’m not finished yet!
---
Update -- Comments I've received on the other site I've posted this have been really wonderful:
"You do you hun. And you're great just the way you are :)"
"You are awesome, never change! Just because someone else has hang ups doesn't mean anyone else does! You bring out the best in people! Your energy is inspiring! Now, can I punch the slut shaming jerk face?"
"It totally Sucks to be them. I know how awesome you are first hand, and I wish I could be as confident and outgoing as you!"
"Sluts are awesome. fuck whoever says otherwise. So long as you're not harming yourself or anyone, it doesn't matter."
"I just love the frank and authentic way that you express yourself babe! Keep being you! your genuine openness is something that is enviable and beautiful and you wear it stunningly! And fuck anyone who tries to put you down for it!"
"Well said friend...Stay strong and keep knowing yourself. Be true and ignore the ignorance."
"Your mind and soul are beautiful and the other person is trapped in a box of close mindedness and soon to be loneliness."
"GOOD ON YOU!! You build people up! That's what makes you beautiful. That original message was to tear you down and strip you of the freedom you strived for."
"Her thought process seems quite rigid. You're better off."
"You're lovely, and this is so well written. I'm glad you're so comfortable with yourself."
