stock options?

[previously posted on xanga]

 how.. did he .. slip through my fingers .. before I ever even .. laid a hand on him? ... did I wait too long?  Of course I waited too long.. why did I wait in the first place?  I was scared... "Fear is not the end of this.." but it was the end of this ...

nothing weighs heavily as it fills my grasp to over-flowing

she touches him as I yearn to .. she looks upon him with her very own eyes and not through this mess of cybernetics as I must .. and yet I do not envy her, I only despise myself for being too late .. much too late ... too shy, too scared, too caught up with the bright lights and sparkling "things" of my self-crafted destruction ...

nothing presses my heart down deep into this pit of despair

I look on, wondering if maybe, just possibly, it will end before it begins .. and I can be the one to sneak in and claim the prize while no one is looking ... but what good would that do me, if he wasn't watching?!

nothing sneaks off with my soul, certain to sell high and buy low

'thrown'

[previously posted on xanga]

resting my little butt on the   edge of a razor holding myself together by   a thought     a prayer maybe tomorrow will bring     a ladder so I can climb down from my     precarious roost but someone once said     tomorrow never comes so here I sit for all eternity     on the throne of my own creation patiently awaiting that which will never happen and weaving tales     of heroism and heroine for any audience I can claim with the knowledge     that one day I'll get tired and     have to take a seat.

Ramblings from a visit to Kentucky

I don't understand .. any of it .. I don't know what to
write .. but I feel like I should.. like this is the
only thing left inside of me to do .. to sit down and
write what is going on inside of me.. but I'm afraid of
what is going on inside so I don't want to put it to
actual words because I don't know what that could
possibly mean ... oh ghawd.. I miss my mommy and my cat
so much .. I wish I could be with them right now.. what
am I doing in KY when I really don't want to be here??
I like it here enough .. Brandon makes me feel good..
but why am I waiting 'til Thursday to leave when I want
to be home right now???  oh I'm silly.. I'm silly silly
silly.. and I can't stop crying.. I don't know what any
of it means.. I don't understand any of it.. I don't
think I ever have or that I ever will....

someone once told me that everything was going to be
fine and I believed them ... but what does it mean to
believe something? and who is someone? do I know the
answer to either of these questions? does it help me if
I do??  who knows.. who is who? what is what? yellow
scares me.. and I'm starting to wonder if maybe orange
does, too .. but I never understood purple.. and blue
confused me first......

I want to sleep .. but what happens if I sleep??  why
am I so afraid? what am I afraid of? things being what
my brain thinks they might be? but that can't be
possible.. it's just a brain.. it's a bunch of cells
together making this person .. and no one else believes
the things I say.. so why should my brain continue to
believe them... they're confusing and backwards and
just figments of a delusional mind.. that's all...  but
can I really believe that? hardcore believe that? I'm
trying to .. very hard trying to .. I'm sad because I'm
afraid I DON'T believe that I'm just psychotic... it'd
be nice though, huh?

oh chaos oh bliss oh green bodies of my life.... slowly
crawl down my throat and invade my being.. give me
life... let me flourish under your care and learn
slowly....

I don't even know what I write anymore...

what do I write? can you see this? can you? do you
understand it? can you tell where I'm coming from? does
it make sense to you??  Brandon says it's just low
dopamine levels.. and it comes from doing too much E
... I'd like to believe that.. that'd be nice, too .....

why did I do so many drugs?! :(

why did I let my mom leave me in KY?

oh I miss her.....

what am I doing sitting at this computer and typing..
how is this helping me.. is it helping me any at all??

so many questions.. do I even want to know the answers?
no... I'm not really sure that I do .. I just ask them
because questions mean there are things left unknown ..
and unknown is good.. because it means there is still
more to discover.. and discovery is good because it is
something to do ....

what do I want to do?  I want to sing and dance and be
merry! grr.. I want to stop being itchy .. why am I so
itchy when I get in a state like this??  siwwy siwwy
things.. bah!

is there more to write? or can I sleep for a while.....
still I wonder what happens when I sleep .. I'm SOO
tired though .. but maybe I've been sleeping too much
and that's the problem .. but I'm SOOO tired!  I feel
like I've never slept before.. like my body is just
perched on the edge of sleep but never really gets to
get there.............

'cept I don't think I'm s'posed to go to sleep ... I'm
tired of writing... I'm tired of missing... I just want
to curl up, possibly beside Brandon ... and sleep for a
little while...

I'd REALLY like to curl up in my own bed with my kitty
at my feet and sleep for a long time.... that'd be the
thing to do ... I'll do that when I get home on
thursday ....

I need to call greyhound of Canuckia.. but I'm afraid
to .. because phonecalls are never quite what they
seem, huh?

fear is not the end of this!!!!

two pairs vs. a full house

[previously posted on xanga]

I see your spade, and raise you two hearts and a diamond:
I'd like to be the stitches in your wound .. and the doctor that inserts them .. and the nurse that soothes them ... and the time that heals the flesh ... and the salt that accidentally burns it ... and the scar that leaves it mark............. (and the pain that caused it in the first place) ... (and the story you tell of how it happened) ...
9:04pm EST 07/22/03
-----
got tat'd today!!  yayayayaya!  picts to ensue as soon as the bloooood can be wiped away (bandaged for 24hrs.. so .. not quite yet!)  .. oh, and I guess not 'til I can procure a digi-cam (since mine got stolen .. fckn fcknuts!) .. I love the way...... physical pain ... like that ... makes you unable to THINK -- my racing thoughts stop racing and my body thrills at the exquisite intrudence of sensory over-load!

if money is the physical personification of time .. and time doesn't exist ... how am I gunna find more money, and more time, to get more tats? hrm ... somehow, it'll happen!! mwahahahahha!

love is...

[previously posted on xanga]

love is aching and needing and wanting and pleading .. love is tearing down walls and building windows .. love is touching, but never really touching -- Einstein says so! .. love is wanting the best for, but knowing you never can do anything about it.. love is believing the lies and swallowing the pride .. love is smelling sin and breathing smoke... love is knowing you never have to say sorry, but that you always are... love is grief and redundancy .. love is agony and remorse .. love is living, day to day, where no one pays your thoughts any mind, because they are, after all, your thoughts and you haven't the words to coalesce  .. love is making a fool of yourself and REALLY making a fool of yourself .. love is never unconditional, unless you're me. 

wake.the.fck.up!

[previously posted on xanga]

I just can't seem to wake up ..... :/

Sunday night was .. excruciatingly painful to my cerebral cortex .. and I cant shake it from my tree... I should never have gone!  I had to come back to the apt 3 times before I could actually go -- for things I had forgotten... THAT should have been lesson enough that I was not destined to go out Sunday night .. but nooo .. I'm too stubborn to even listen to the signs the world speaks at me (shouts at me .. SCREAMS at me!) .....

What happend, exactly, Sunday night?  ghawd... nothing.  Nothing and everything wrapped into one simple conversation that made little sense and tugs deeply at my soul  (do I still have my soul?  did he steal it?  can he? no .. no .. ppl cant steal what is not rightfully mine to give in the first place .. but ... *search* *search*  I cant seem to feel it anymore?)

and yesterday?  I just could NOT wake up alll day yesterday .. I was sOOOoo tired!  I even had a nap in my mom's bed, and I have creepiness issues about my step-dad (not cuz he's a bad guy, but cuz like.. he's new, and, his flesh/skin/dead-skin/etc is not really a part of my head-space, so like, laying between sheets he's been in.. well .. it just seems like a weird concept!) and yet I was SOOO tired I just crashed (yes, a moments thought about whose bed I was sleeping in passed thru my consciousness, but was swept away as soon as my head hit the pillow -- out like a light switch, literally!)

and this morning?  its only (hrm, 10:23am EST) early and yet.. I still cant shake it!  my kitty has been trying to wake me up for HOURS and I've just been idly petting him, to shush his me-ows, and then crashing back into my sleep-zone .......... *sigh*

LAST night .. I ... hrm .. lucid dreamed?  Not like I've never done that before, but .. last night I was aware I was doing it .. well, not quite, only after I woke up was I aware .. but like.. it FELT creepy and I was trapped in my bedroom in the dark (someone told me you cant flip light switches in a lucid dream -- that turned out to be true for me .. but he also said something about digital displays being garbled, and my digital clock was quite prominent in my lucid dream, showing 12:47 on my horizon .. sooo .. I dunno exactly what that all says?)

ramblings ... *sigh*  I've tried to keep this blog somewhat artistic and not mundane like this entry has been .. but ....

Sunday the fight just feels like it went right out of me...........

and someone else's blog I read today disturbed me a little, too .. sooo

I dunno .. maybe xanga isnt really the place for me... I usually just update my li'l website and whomever chooses to read it, they do, but there's no ... PRESSURE to perform .... *shrug*

hi.. how are ya? I'm fine.....

(I heard, while I was in the psych-ward .. thats F.I.N.E stands for "fucked-up interior, normal exterior" ... quite fitting, donchya think?)

recipes for disaster

[previously posted on xanga]

recipes for disaster
too little, too late
too late to love
a little love is never too late...
07/19/03 11pmish EST
(alternate ending "its never too late to love a little")

2B

[previously posted on xanga] to BE to KNOW and to DO says he .. (who is he? well.. it doesnt really matter.. since he isnt really anyone I know, but I read what he had to say .. and it seemed pliable at the "time" .. ?) I am .. I know ..and I think to "do" is redundant of I "am" ..... but at the same time, there's an equally disproportionate differential on the directly opposite side of the truth that is not the un-truth but merely the truth mirrored upon itself .. the opposite of a truism is not a lie .. because they don't look the same in the mirror? I'm confused again.  I just want to dance in the rain and sing in the breeze and pet my kitty and make devil eyes at that boy who I cant get out of my mind.............. I'm lonely.. I'm looney .. I'm over the top and somewhere down near the bottom .......... I want to hold your hand, as you hold mine, and we walk into the light together.. the deep, darkness of the light..... and I want to smile when I frown at the things that cant be found in the moment that our eyes first connected........ --- I want to eat McD's fries.. but they're not on my diet .. and I want to be attractive (to me, not to you, to ME!) ... so I'm on this very restrictive diet .. that actually works .. but .. it makes me not enjoy food..... but some days I think enjoying food is some form of sin, so its better to learn to eat for survival and not for pleasure ... or something? .... *sigh*

quotables...

[previously posted on xanga]
 
"The fearful are often holders of the most dangerous power.  They become demoniac when they see the workings of all the life around them.  Seeing the strengths as well as the weaknesses, they fasten only on the weaknesses."
pg.42   The Jesus Incident   F. Herbert  B. Ransom

repeats itself ad infinitum

[previously posted on xanga] it happend again.. I really, truly, thought last time was enough .. that there WOULD BE NO _this_ time again ..... but .. it happend again.. why is it that I always put myself into situations where other people can take advantage of me?  maybe I should re-name myself to Mat, since everyone walks all over me any way [hardideharhar]  .......... maybe I just shouldn't have a name, then people couldn't address me and I wouldn't meet anyone new and I wouldn't have to worry about me letting them hurt me ....... cuz that is it, isn't it?  People don't just HURT other people.. they hurt people that let themselves be hurt ......... I think? ----- Mirror mirror on the wall I'm not the fairest of them all but if you said I give good head then that would be a good call!

r.i.g.h.t.h.e.r.e. (where I should be)

[previously posted on xanga]

if only I knew how to leave a little piece of my soul _R I G H T  H E R E_ for you ..... so you'd know .. truly .. how much it has meant for me to have you, even the tiniest bit of you, in my life .... thus far if only I knew how to leave a little piece of my heart _R I G H T  H E R E_ for you .... so you'd know.. deeply.. how I wish I could express the things I dont even understand that I feel for you .. already if only I knew how to leave a little piece of my mind _R I G H T  H E R E_ for you ....  so you'd know .. maybe.. how I need you to continue caressing my aching frontal lobes while I am gone.. for tonight... ..... and in the same breath ... your breath .... read the previous blog entry ... *chuckle* "oh how I draw pictures in the sand .. glorious pictures.. only to watch the tide come in and drag them out to sea for no one to see but me and me, without the possibility of you"

[previously posted on xanga]

a farce, I tell you .. its all one big farce -- on my heart, on my soul, upon my very eyes ..... *le sigh* where do I go to find enough HD space for all the lies of my life?  I say I'm afflicted with honesty, but that's just another lie to myself in the mirror ...  I think I'm beautiful somedays, but how can someone so ugly be beautiful to anyone else?  oooh, I mean ugly from the soul-deep .. not skin-deep.. who cares what I look like, I didn't get together with ghawd and decide how my cells would procreate and form themselves into the fractal that is me......... but oh the lies.. the lies that eat me alive from deep deep down in my heart -- the ones I tell to myself are the worst .. the deception.. the hatred.. the only way I've ever known how to live ... to pretend to believe and yet to know none of it is real and still wake up the next morning as though every second mattered somewhere.... and then to be brave enough to shed a tear for the fear of living here in the waste of our space in a haste to pace ourselves... oh I'm stealing again, can you see it? did you see me steal those sentences from somewhere that wasn't mine? but I like to own things, even if they dont exist in actuality, the fanciful fantasy falls forward from frothy forever mores ........ and yet mimicry is a form of flattery, n'est pas? I dont care .. I care too much .. I never cared.. I always cared .. I'll remember to care right after I finish this next sentence, k? I love you, I hate you, I need you, please go away, it's all happening and it never happend and who do I tell what to ... and .. and .. why bother... oh bother, said pinnie the wooh and piglet smiled too!

poetry in the making...

[previously posted on xanga]

"I got shot today" what a careful web of deceptions our society weaves upon itself ... the strong and the mighty can be found hiding in the dark and the weak and feable minded carrying the guns trickery and deceit of ones own intelligence .. to make stronger by climbing on the backs of others only to fall in the final hour with understanding of all that is wrong. it matches itself throughout the generations and none have learned to open thine arms and embrace your brother from across the battle lines drawn so carefully upon the sands of time...

visionaries......

[previously posted on xanga]

(pardon my sharing of this with the world, if you will?)

"for all the earths weight in gold .. for the china that fell when the wall was built .. for the final swing of the pendulum .. for the softest touch between two lovers and for the coin that wasn't head nor tales ... I see you" 
9:20p 07/15/03

The Things That Irk Me:

[previously posted on xanga]

• not being able to single-space in this li'l window here.. grr.. ;)

• being alive

• having feelings

• being restricted by language when trying to express my feelings to others

• being overweight and funny-looking and knowing that as much as I shudn't care about the fckheads who judge me on that, I still do... :/

• not being able to read TOC's mind

• government (ha!) and society (double-ha!)

• bugs (insect and technological)

• my waste-of-oxygen roommate

• lists that were meant to be short but somehow ended up longer the more I thot about them and cudn't quite quit typing!!!!!!!!!

and out of the days of yore she wandered

[from casstastrophe.com blog]

 

 

 

I haven't quite gauged which way is up.. if direction is even possible in the centrifugal universe we call existence ... I've moved.. again .. to Guelph, its great, it really is .. I just don't know what to do with myself, with my thoughts, with my feelings for people who are out of my reach, for people who are out of my realm, and for those who are in my daily life... 

I'm sad.. I'm scared.. I'm paranoid and cranky .. and I'm not even high! I am actually drug-free .. (with the exception of clove cigarettes!) .. no prescription drugs .. no street drugs .. no drugs .. and yet .. yet .. I'm still sad, I'm still scared.. and I'm incredibly lonely... I wish my cat spoke human, or I spoke cat better than I pretend to ... :( 

where do I turn to for the questions to all the answers floating through my head like cruise-ships for the mentally restrained? 

(continued!!)

[previously posted on xanga] blankness bothers me in ways I only wish I had words to describe -- because then I wouldn't feel at such a loss.. but this page.. this new "xanga"thang .. is blank and dark and.. and.. I havnt any words to fill it with, but I feel the URGE .. the inner NEED to keep writing these little ity bity pixels to fill the sheer and utter blankness that is this page........... does that bother you?

a beginning....

[previously posted on xanga] ..and I arrived.. by means of a databyte, whatever THAT is .. but I'm here and I think I'll stay for a while.. I'll take my shoes off and see how the sand feels on my toes .... ahh, toes .. can I type with my toes? notyetisay... but soon, soon things will happen and I'll do the things I'd never thought impossible 'til they occured to my fractured imagination... ..where am I?  what am I doing here?  did he beckon me or did I dive in head first, forgetting to break the surface of the water with my hands and knocking myself out in the process? ......yes, I'm here..... will you stay?

Metalli-fucking-ca!!! July 5 Summer Sanitarum TOUR!

[from casstastrophe.com blog]

well.. I'll start by saying that Metallica was fckn incredible .. they played an awesome set .. certainly topped the evening off .. but I have to admit, I think the Deftones really stole the show (at least, for me!) 

the night started at 3pm with MUDVAYNE and it just didnt stop rocking! Deftones, Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, and finally at 10:30pm Metallica!!

I have to admit, I had myself a nice li'l trip from all the second-hand smoke.. but I survived it (hahah!) and I'm here to talk about it!! -- SOOO much has happend for me in the last month that I dont even know where to begin, so I wont, and I'll come back to all that much much later! For now - keep on rockin' and write me some e-mail to let me know you're still reading this site, and I'll update it! :)