Journal entry #1

Welcome to a new site, welcome to a new me .. or something else cheesy and pathetic like that... Pessimism is my friend this early morn as I sit and update yet ANOTHER new page that I'll probably not end up using. I'm trying to find something that defines me but all I keep producing is crap -- is this to tell myself that I am currently nothing but crap? Great, just what a recovering drug addict prone to depression needs to discover.

Can't sleep, still, for some Godly reason I've yet to be told about. Maybe one day, just as I'm about to nod off for real a loud booming voice will call down at me and say something like 'will you cut that out?! Your dreams keep interfering with my T.V. reception, you dumb cunt!'

Oh well.. off to another glorious day tomorrow -- and glorious it WILL be, for I finally get a real bed.. a real bed, all to my own, am I actually worthy, nooo, can't be! but yes!! yes a real bed that is mine to roll on and jump on (altho, not too much!) and actually maybe SLEEP on! It should be arriving tomorrow afternoon, so I s'pose I should move some furniture and do some cleaning before they get here with it. Oh gosh, I hope they set it up for me, I've been sick for a couple days and SUCH a terrible weakling!

Hearing vs. Listening?

I wondered today, as I was sitting in the mall at Yorkdale and drawing, why exactly it is that I don't bring a discman or walkman with me everywhere I go.  But I guess the answer is simpler than that I don't think to - I like the new-found beat and rhythm to every day life around me.  The traffic, the wind, the children screaming, the leaves in the trees, the change in people's pockets, the broken shoe of some lady, the varied languages, the varied moods, the people that make up my world -  the backdrop to my happiness.  How can you catch the things to smile at if you're always listening to the
same tune?  Like the little boy learning to throw pennies in to a wishing pool! Sharing the smile across the water with his mommy, knowing I got a sneak peak into their world, I'll probably never cross paths with again but I'll remember this moment at least  for a couple days - and because I wrote about it, most likely longer - pausing to look at his face to hopefully hold it in my mind just a little clearer, his innocent expression, his mother's tender touch, things that are not a common part of  my life but which I can partake in by paying attention to my ENVIRONMENT!