ain't nothing i can't do
so long as i got you
here on my side
along for the ride
baby maybe i can't pay the electricity this month
and the cell phone bills are piling a mile high
i don't know what I'm making for dinner
the cupboard's nearly bare
but as long as I got your love
I'll find some way to get us there
cuz when you're with me I feel like I'm the winner
like I've got time to do everything I need before I die
baby what we've got is one in a millionth.
so the economy is crumbling around us
and freedom of speech, freedom of expression, they're all a farce
the government owns us, every hour, every penny, every breath
I can't buy our daughter a new pair of shoes
I can't afford to fill the gas tank all the way
I have to forego fresh vegetables and instead eat kraft dinner
but hey, at least we've got a food bank
hey, at least we've got a roof over our heads
hey, at least we've got bills to worry about
rather than war and famine
I wanted to buy you that music board you've be longing for
I wanted to put it under the christmas tree
but then the struts and mounts (whatever they are) stopped
strutting and mounting their stuff
now I know all I've got to give you are my words
not even two coins to rub together
I'll be paying it off into the summer
but as long as I've got your love
I know I can pull through some how
I know I'll always have a smile and not a frown
when you couldn't find a job I thought I'd go crazy
when you were working shit temp work for shit pay
I thought I'd lose my mind, cuz you were in the most unsafe places
I worried you would die for ten twenty-five an hour
and I loved you harder and longer on the days you worked over time
not because we needed the money
but because I missed you more, and I knew you'd be sore when you got home
as long as I've got you I can excuse myself
for not going to occupy everything, occupy anything
as long as you're by my side it doesn't really matter
that I didn't vote cuz I didn't think it'd change anything
somewhere out there is my ideal society, but this one just doesn't cut it
so long as I have you, I can survive it
cuz what the fuck is the point, if I don't have you?
Monday, November 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
This is my Staying Power -- Occupy Everything!
If we don't occupy everything now -- what will there be left to occupy later??
The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms guarantees the rights of Canadians in this country. Section 1 of the charter states that these rights are "subject only to such reasonable limits prescribed by law as can be demonstrably justified in a free and democratic society."
The actions taken by the police during the 2010 G20 protests were anything but justified and they have shown to me that we do not actually live in a free society.
Section 2 of the Charter has to do with fundamental freedom including 2(b) "freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression" while 2(c) states that everyone has the right to "freedom of peaceful assembly."
I envision that October 15th on Bay Street in Toronto, Ontario when people join forces to peacefully assemble and plan for Monday's Occupy Bay Street march, the police of this fine country will begin their battery of harassment and arrests.
This will be the second very public act of violence on the part of those sworn to protect citizens.
If this takes shape the way I imagine it will -- if the police do not allow a peaceful public protest by those who wish to exercise their Charter rights, then I think we shall all have a very strong message delivered loud and clear: Canadian citizens have no rights and freedoms; this is a Police State.
----
At the heart of it -- why march? The placard I saw that captures it best:
"Its only called class war when we fight back"
Bay Street (the Wall Street of Toronto) has been occupied by the over-paid chicly dressed employees of finance for so long they don't even know they're them and we're us.
We trade our time for money and they trade, trade, trade that money away.
The fallacy of what we call an "economy" has been built on mistruths and bogus statistics for so long that finally the house of cards blew over and now those Kings and Queens of the upper crust scrambled together, intent on making the divide between even wider.
The crux is -- everybody in the occupation is just looking for an occupation. A way to keep a roof over their head and some food in their belly. When basic human rights are stripped away there's nothing left to lose and its time to rise up and fight back.
At least we live in a country where we are doing this with our voices and our words. There are other places in the world where this is done with bullets and blood.
What must the government, the police, the rulers of our nation do to push the public to that point? If millions in the streets in American can be ignored, what will happen here?
As stated by a friend when discussing the matter "They don't think we can do it." The fact is, those 1% sit in comfort and don't even begin to quake in their boots. They really don't think we have it in us to cause much of a ripple in the well-oiled machine they've been driving across us for so very long.
Apathy has kept us quiet. How long will we shout before we deem it necessary to fight back? Because frankly, I don't see them listening to our bleating cries -- we've been sheep for such a very long, long, long time.
I know I'm not ready to take up more than a digital pen in this fight, but do you really want to "beat your plowshares into swords..."?
The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms guarantees the rights of Canadians in this country. Section 1 of the charter states that these rights are "subject only to such reasonable limits prescribed by law as can be demonstrably justified in a free and democratic society."
The actions taken by the police during the 2010 G20 protests were anything but justified and they have shown to me that we do not actually live in a free society.
Section 2 of the Charter has to do with fundamental freedom including 2(b) "freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression" while 2(c) states that everyone has the right to "freedom of peaceful assembly."
I envision that October 15th on Bay Street in Toronto, Ontario when people join forces to peacefully assemble and plan for Monday's Occupy Bay Street march, the police of this fine country will begin their battery of harassment and arrests.
This will be the second very public act of violence on the part of those sworn to protect citizens.
If this takes shape the way I imagine it will -- if the police do not allow a peaceful public protest by those who wish to exercise their Charter rights, then I think we shall all have a very strong message delivered loud and clear: Canadian citizens have no rights and freedoms; this is a Police State.
----
At the heart of it -- why march? The placard I saw that captures it best:
"Its only called class war when we fight back"
Bay Street (the Wall Street of Toronto) has been occupied by the over-paid chicly dressed employees of finance for so long they don't even know they're them and we're us.
We trade our time for money and they trade, trade, trade that money away.
The fallacy of what we call an "economy" has been built on mistruths and bogus statistics for so long that finally the house of cards blew over and now those Kings and Queens of the upper crust scrambled together, intent on making the divide between even wider.
The crux is -- everybody in the occupation is just looking for an occupation. A way to keep a roof over their head and some food in their belly. When basic human rights are stripped away there's nothing left to lose and its time to rise up and fight back.
At least we live in a country where we are doing this with our voices and our words. There are other places in the world where this is done with bullets and blood.
What must the government, the police, the rulers of our nation do to push the public to that point? If millions in the streets in American can be ignored, what will happen here?
As stated by a friend when discussing the matter "They don't think we can do it." The fact is, those 1% sit in comfort and don't even begin to quake in their boots. They really don't think we have it in us to cause much of a ripple in the well-oiled machine they've been driving across us for so very long.
Apathy has kept us quiet. How long will we shout before we deem it necessary to fight back? Because frankly, I don't see them listening to our bleating cries -- we've been sheep for such a very long, long, long time.
I know I'm not ready to take up more than a digital pen in this fight, but do you really want to "beat your plowshares into swords..."?
Thursday, July 21, 2011
working-title?
traipsing through the daisies
sunlight slanting 'cross the path
albino bunny following
delaying his attack
...but the moon wont shine
when Alice falls down
only hearts and minds
can release her now
in the shadows it lurks
withdrawn at your gaze
chasing just to lead
drawing nearer the maze
diamonds and flowers surround
dizzying, overbearing contempt
Drink Me, Eat Me, promise to be
from danger and death exempt
...but the moon wont shine
when Alice falls down
only hearts and minds
can release her now
frozen in time and space
forever caught between
searching for the way home
unending horrific dream
expunge, deny, terrorize
always one step ahead
don't be off with hers
fertilizing the rose bed
sunlight slanting 'cross the path
albino bunny following
delaying his attack
...but the moon wont shine
when Alice falls down
only hearts and minds
can release her now
in the shadows it lurks
withdrawn at your gaze
chasing just to lead
drawing nearer the maze
diamonds and flowers surround
dizzying, overbearing contempt
Drink Me, Eat Me, promise to be
from danger and death exempt
...but the moon wont shine
when Alice falls down
only hearts and minds
can release her now
frozen in time and space
forever caught between
searching for the way home
unending horrific dream
expunge, deny, terrorize
always one step ahead
don't be off with hers
fertilizing the rose bed
Monday, June 20, 2011
[]*[] I Am Canadian []*[]
Recently I received an e-mail that tickled me exactly the WRONG way. I'll post it first and then post my response below. Please feel free to comment!! (I apologize ahead of time for some of the language I used in my response, but I'm fairly passionate about this -- it _is_ my country and my home!)
---
The original e-mail:
I am Canadian: The new version...
I AM CANADIAN
I am in the minority in Calgary, Vancouver, Toronto, and every casino in this country.
I was born in the forties, fifties or sixties, yet I am somehow responsible for some First Nations people being screwed out of their land in the 1700's!
I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.
I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seat belt.
All the money I make until mid July must go to paying taxes.
I live and work among people who believe Americans are Ignorant... These same people cannot name their own country's new territory.
Although I am sometimes forced to live on hamburgers and don't have a pot to piss in, I sleep well knowing that my taxes helped purchase a nice six figure home in Vancouver for some unskilled refugee.
Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate... Quebec still provides most of my nation's prime ministers.
95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.
I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I'm sure none of them have ever been to Africa for that matter.
I am being told that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.
I am also being told that the same tax on gasoline is also fair.
Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my Grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if I don't register it.
I am being told that spending $15 billion to promote the French language in the rest of Canada is fair when the province of Quebec doesn't support or even recognize the ENGLISH language.
I am being told that paying $1 million for 3 Stripes ('The Voice of Fire' painting in Ottawa) by the National Art Gallery was a good purchase, even though 99% of this country didn't want it or will ever see it.
When I look at my pension and realize that I take home a third of what I actually make, I say 'Oh well, at least we have better health care than the USA.'
I must bail out big corporations who drive their business into the ground and say, 'yeah that's ok.'
And when they move all their manufacturing plants and jobs to a third world country and say, 'no problem.'
I must fork over my portion of the 11.5 million dollars to show the Queen of England and her family a good time visiting in my country even though I can't afford to visit the province next to me.
My National Anthem has versions in both official languages.
Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest Military buffer for the United States, and the number one destination for fleeing terrorists.
The Lord's prayer is not allowed in our schools anymore because of other religions who chose to move here.
I am an angry white person.
I am one pissed off taxpayer, who is broke.
I am Canadian !!
---
My response:
Yay! Being Canadian means something to me, what does it mean to YOU?
1) I was with you until you went and made yourself look ignorant by mentioning casinos .... way to go!
2) Cultural genocide happened as recently as 1936 in this country, and still continues in contemporary ways, maybe you should get a clue? [ let me point out a direction to start: http://www.danielnpaul.com/IndianResidentialSchools.html ] .. then there's always the great Japanese Canadian Internment .. which was a couple years later [ http://www.lib.washington.edu/subject/canada/internment/intro.html ] .. and did you know First Nation's people were only granted the right to vote sometime in the mid 60's ... ? I don't know what this 1700's BS you're talking about is, but get CURRENT!
3) ride a bike?
4) and how would you like to word this petition and have 10,000 people sign it "We the people do not want to be forced to wear a proven life-saving tool, instead, please hike our insurance rates to cover the extra health-care costs from our chosen stupidity. We demand this RIGHT to choose."
5) Gee, if you exaggerate one point by this much, its not likely I'll ever think you will exaggerate any other points, right?!
6) I did a poll of the first 10 Canadians I could talk to readily at this moment: guess what, 10/10 could name Nunavut; guess you need some smarter friends.
7) living on hamburgers is a BAD thing? what? if you can afford some form of protein in your diet, you are eating better than damn near 7/8ths of the world's population! ... and who are you to suggest a new refugee is unskilled? The joke about surgeons and physicists driving taxi cabs in Calgary, Vancouver and Toronto is based in reality - our own government has made it financially improbably for a landed immigrant to port their previous education to our country -- perhaps we should point the finger where it belongs not outwards at those escaping life-threatening living conditions to a better future within our borders.
8) I'm assuming you see the irony in the point you're trying to make with this all on your own, no need for me to bring it to light.
9) and this is a BAD thing why?!!!
10) Since when are you supposed to? I've never met a dark-skinned person from Jamaica who enjoyed being called African Canadian ... perhaps it isn't anything to DO with being Canadian that makes this racial profiling an issue and maybe its a broader issue??
11) no one says you have to drink!
12) and no one says you have to drive!
13) I'll have to research it later when I care more, but I'm fairly sure that firearms older than a certain number of years lie outside the registration laws?
14) Most nations of the world are trilingual, let alone bilingual .. do you not see it as beneficial to the children to learn French? psychological studies have shown that having at least two languages in the brain from an early age can enhance thinking power ....
15) I can't really argue this point, I think $1.8 million for two colours of acrylic is a little mind-boggling, too ... but then, it happened in _1989_ .. are you really still bitching about it??
16) It isn't just health care that is better (that we have it at all is part of it!) .. but we also have better public services across the board. Be thankful of them when you need to access them! and be gracious that you can provide them to those who need to when you don't!
17) If you feel this way - DO something! Don't sit around and write bad attempts at humour on the internets... get out and march in the streets and camp out on the front lawn of parliament hill, collect names, make a stink about it ... petition and lobby for change!
18) I dunno about you, but I imagine there are only so many Canadian Consulates around the world, but if you read the inside of your Canadian Passport, you'll see that bearers of the Canadian Passport have access to every British Consulate the world throughout. I wonder if that's worth 11.5 million? I venture that this is off the top of my head, I'm pretty sure there are one or two other perks that come with out connection to the British "Empire" ... you tell me?
19) This is great, actually. I know it in both -- do you?
20) wait, say that again, Canada is taxed more than the USA and Mexico? really, that's a staggering statistic. I never would have fathomed it in my life. (do I need a sarcasm tag here, or can you hear it loud enough over there?)
21) Ever hear of a guy named Darwin? Don't worry, I wouldn't be surprised if you hadn't. Public schools are non-religious based. Send your kid to a secular school if you want -- you aren't _forced_ to send them to public schools. Besides all of that, the immigrants (you, me, everyone else non-Indigenous) brought the Church to Canada in the first place. Do you know anything about the Medicine Wheel or any other spiritual practice other than Catholicism? Perhaps you should look at _why_ it is no longer spoken in schools, as opposed to hate-mongering on immigrants?
22) Ignorance has a tendency to leave one feeling angry. Get informed!
23) taxes are not the enemy, uninformed voters are! Get informed! Fight the regime :)
I Am Canadian, too .. and I'm damn proud of my country. Now if only we can band together and MAKE something of it, rather than mock it!
---
The original e-mail:
I am Canadian: The new version...
I AM CANADIAN
I am in the minority in Calgary, Vancouver, Toronto, and every casino in this country.
I was born in the forties, fifties or sixties, yet I am somehow responsible for some First Nations people being screwed out of their land in the 1700's!
I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.
I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seat belt.
All the money I make until mid July must go to paying taxes.
I live and work among people who believe Americans are Ignorant... These same people cannot name their own country's new territory.
Although I am sometimes forced to live on hamburgers and don't have a pot to piss in, I sleep well knowing that my taxes helped purchase a nice six figure home in Vancouver for some unskilled refugee.
Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate... Quebec still provides most of my nation's prime ministers.
95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.
I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I'm sure none of them have ever been to Africa for that matter.
I am being told that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.
I am also being told that the same tax on gasoline is also fair.
Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my Grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if I don't register it.
I am being told that spending $15 billion to promote the French language in the rest of Canada is fair when the province of Quebec doesn't support or even recognize the ENGLISH language.
I am being told that paying $1 million for 3 Stripes ('The Voice of Fire' painting in Ottawa) by the National Art Gallery was a good purchase, even though 99% of this country didn't want it or will ever see it.
When I look at my pension and realize that I take home a third of what I actually make, I say 'Oh well, at least we have better health care than the USA.'
I must bail out big corporations who drive their business into the ground and say, 'yeah that's ok.'
And when they move all their manufacturing plants and jobs to a third world country and say, 'no problem.'
I must fork over my portion of the 11.5 million dollars to show the Queen of England and her family a good time visiting in my country even though I can't afford to visit the province next to me.
My National Anthem has versions in both official languages.
Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest Military buffer for the United States, and the number one destination for fleeing terrorists.
The Lord's prayer is not allowed in our schools anymore because of other religions who chose to move here.
I am an angry white person.
I am one pissed off taxpayer, who is broke.
I am Canadian !!
---
My response:
Yay! Being Canadian means something to me, what does it mean to YOU?
1) I was with you until you went and made yourself look ignorant by mentioning casinos .... way to go!
2) Cultural genocide happened as recently as 1936 in this country, and still continues in contemporary ways, maybe you should get a clue? [ let me point out a direction to start: http://www.danielnpaul.com/IndianResidentialSchools.html ] .. then there's always the great Japanese Canadian Internment .. which was a couple years later [ http://www.lib.washington.edu/subject/canada/internment/intro.html ] .. and did you know First Nation's people were only granted the right to vote sometime in the mid 60's ... ? I don't know what this 1700's BS you're talking about is, but get CURRENT!
3) ride a bike?
4) and how would you like to word this petition and have 10,000 people sign it "We the people do not want to be forced to wear a proven life-saving tool, instead, please hike our insurance rates to cover the extra health-care costs from our chosen stupidity. We demand this RIGHT to choose."
5) Gee, if you exaggerate one point by this much, its not likely I'll ever think you will exaggerate any other points, right?!
6) I did a poll of the first 10 Canadians I could talk to readily at this moment: guess what, 10/10 could name Nunavut; guess you need some smarter friends.
7) living on hamburgers is a BAD thing? what? if you can afford some form of protein in your diet, you are eating better than damn near 7/8ths of the world's population! ... and who are you to suggest a new refugee is unskilled? The joke about surgeons and physicists driving taxi cabs in Calgary, Vancouver and Toronto is based in reality - our own government has made it financially improbably for a landed immigrant to port their previous education to our country -- perhaps we should point the finger where it belongs not outwards at those escaping life-threatening living conditions to a better future within our borders.
8) I'm assuming you see the irony in the point you're trying to make with this all on your own, no need for me to bring it to light.
9) and this is a BAD thing why?!!!
10) Since when are you supposed to? I've never met a dark-skinned person from Jamaica who enjoyed being called African Canadian ... perhaps it isn't anything to DO with being Canadian that makes this racial profiling an issue and maybe its a broader issue??
11) no one says you have to drink!
12) and no one says you have to drive!
13) I'll have to research it later when I care more, but I'm fairly sure that firearms older than a certain number of years lie outside the registration laws?
14) Most nations of the world are trilingual, let alone bilingual .. do you not see it as beneficial to the children to learn French? psychological studies have shown that having at least two languages in the brain from an early age can enhance thinking power ....
15) I can't really argue this point, I think $1.8 million for two colours of acrylic is a little mind-boggling, too ... but then, it happened in _1989_ .. are you really still bitching about it??
16) It isn't just health care that is better (that we have it at all is part of it!) .. but we also have better public services across the board. Be thankful of them when you need to access them! and be gracious that you can provide them to those who need to when you don't!
17) If you feel this way - DO something! Don't sit around and write bad attempts at humour on the internets... get out and march in the streets and camp out on the front lawn of parliament hill, collect names, make a stink about it ... petition and lobby for change!
18) I dunno about you, but I imagine there are only so many Canadian Consulates around the world, but if you read the inside of your Canadian Passport, you'll see that bearers of the Canadian Passport have access to every British Consulate the world throughout. I wonder if that's worth 11.5 million? I venture that this is off the top of my head, I'm pretty sure there are one or two other perks that come with out connection to the British "Empire" ... you tell me?
19) This is great, actually. I know it in both -- do you?
20) wait, say that again, Canada is taxed more than the USA and Mexico? really, that's a staggering statistic. I never would have fathomed it in my life. (do I need a sarcasm tag here, or can you hear it loud enough over there?)
21) Ever hear of a guy named Darwin? Don't worry, I wouldn't be surprised if you hadn't. Public schools are non-religious based. Send your kid to a secular school if you want -- you aren't _forced_ to send them to public schools. Besides all of that, the immigrants (you, me, everyone else non-Indigenous) brought the Church to Canada in the first place. Do you know anything about the Medicine Wheel or any other spiritual practice other than Catholicism? Perhaps you should look at _why_ it is no longer spoken in schools, as opposed to hate-mongering on immigrants?
22) Ignorance has a tendency to leave one feeling angry. Get informed!
23) taxes are not the enemy, uninformed voters are! Get informed! Fight the regime :)
I Am Canadian, too .. and I'm damn proud of my country. Now if only we can band together and MAKE something of it, rather than mock it!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
ThinkGeek Ultimate GeekDad Giveaway!
There was a contest on one of my favourite consumer websites, so I entered it here:
http://www.thinkgeek.com/
But I thought I'd share my follow-up story with the rest of the world, too!
---
Daddy doesn't live here no' mo'.
Sad, but true. My father has been geographically severed from me for nearly a decade now. Oh, we still talk -- we have email and MSN and social-networking sites and we both maintain our own personal blog-like websites... but it's not the same; it can't be the same.
My father brought me to the internet. He, in fact, brought the internet to an entire community, several counties. It was pre-1992 and the World Wide Web was still on the horizon, but after several years of both accessing and running BBS's on the local and global scale, we knew what was out there and we knew we wanted a piece. My father looked at the infrastructure of our small-town in the southern Ontario area and said "this simply wont do!" He put together a group of computer enthusiasts and one financial backer and together they began the first dial-up ISP servicing three large counties (Dufferin-Wellington, Simcoe, Grey-Bruce).
I can remember driving down a back country road with friends and being able to point at a brown junction box and announce "That, right there, is where fiber stops." High-speed was a thing of the future, but that didn't mean people living in small towns should be denied access to e-mail, newsgroups, archie and gopher (does anyone even remember what those are?!) or IRC.
We all take it for granted that wherever we live we are going to have internet access. Kindle even purports to give you free access no matter where you are on the globe. This was most-certainly not always the case! Tell that to a 10 year old today and they will have a hard time fathoming it -- oh, they'll _believe_ you, because the have wiki and can suss out the truth for themselves, but they wont fully comprehend it!
My dad is the guy who brought the internet to hundreds of thousands of people back before they even knew what it was -- so maybe it would be better to say he brought the people TO the 'net.
I love our digital connection. I love that I can keep in touch with his life and keep him updated on mine; that he can see current pictures of his grand-daughter mere moments after I take them. That being said, each year that passes where I don't get to visit him on father's day, I'm glad that the digital world only sees what I choose to share with it and I can hide my real-world tears one more time.
I love you daddy. I miss you. Happy father's day!
http://www.thinkgeek.com/
But I thought I'd share my follow-up story with the rest of the world, too!
---
Daddy doesn't live here no' mo'.
Sad, but true. My father has been geographically severed from me for nearly a decade now. Oh, we still talk -- we have email and MSN and social-networking sites and we both maintain our own personal blog-like websites... but it's not the same; it can't be the same.
My father brought me to the internet. He, in fact, brought the internet to an entire community, several counties. It was pre-1992 and the World Wide Web was still on the horizon, but after several years of both accessing and running BBS's on the local and global scale, we knew what was out there and we knew we wanted a piece. My father looked at the infrastructure of our small-town in the southern Ontario area and said "this simply wont do!" He put together a group of computer enthusiasts and one financial backer and together they began the first dial-up ISP servicing three large counties (Dufferin-Wellington, Simcoe, Grey-Bruce).
I can remember driving down a back country road with friends and being able to point at a brown junction box and announce "That, right there, is where fiber stops." High-speed was a thing of the future, but that didn't mean people living in small towns should be denied access to e-mail, newsgroups, archie and gopher (does anyone even remember what those are?!) or IRC.
We all take it for granted that wherever we live we are going to have internet access. Kindle even purports to give you free access no matter where you are on the globe. This was most-certainly not always the case! Tell that to a 10 year old today and they will have a hard time fathoming it -- oh, they'll _believe_ you, because the have wiki and can suss out the truth for themselves, but they wont fully comprehend it!
My dad is the guy who brought the internet to hundreds of thousands of people back before they even knew what it was -- so maybe it would be better to say he brought the people TO the 'net.
I love our digital connection. I love that I can keep in touch with his life and keep him updated on mine; that he can see current pictures of his grand-daughter mere moments after I take them. That being said, each year that passes where I don't get to visit him on father's day, I'm glad that the digital world only sees what I choose to share with it and I can hide my real-world tears one more time.
I love you daddy. I miss you. Happy father's day!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Never enough time!
I have no idea _what_ I do in a day .. but apparently it fills it so completely that I don't have enough time to do the things I think I want to do, albeit, if I got to do them, maybe I'd realize I don't actually have any desire to do them in the first place, and therein lies to difficulty. How does one set aside time for activities one is not entirely passionate about?? I wouldn't even say I have a hobby. I used to craft beaded jewellery -- and while I still do this, it has turned into a chore, something I do in a meager attempt to bring in some extra money. Thankfully most of my supplies have been gifted to me over the years, so any costs I incur are minor and the profits are close to 100% ... but this doesn't make it any less a chore, or any more a hobby ... all the fun has been zapped right out of it when I stay up 'til 1am in order to meet number demands ... rather than pulling out the beads as a means to relax or craft a gift for a friend (which is how it all started) ........ and if you think beading for 3+hrs straight is relaxing -- you obviously haven't spoken to my lower back.....
Today I did laundry and grocery shopping and managed to pick up a bunch of empty boxes, since we're moving in a couple weeks and I've hardly scratched the surface of packing... but aside from that, well .. I fed my child breakfast, made her lunch for school, slathered her in sunscreen and packed her off to a school trip .. I made myself a snack, but not much of anything to eat... I attempted to go to the food bank, but after standing around for >30 mins, it didn't look like anyone was being dealt with, and there were more than a dozen people ahead of me in line, so no way I'd be out of there in time to get the child from school -- so I left that for tomorrow's list ....
I didn't get to the dishes.. or any other tidying up .. I didn't put the laundry away yet .. I have not packed a single one of those new boxes.. here it is only 3pm and I am completely out of energy for the rest of the day.... BUT now my daughter is home and wants my attention and my affection and my imagination to entertain her ..... I. Have. Nothing. Left. To. Give.
So where does my time go? I guess I just answered it -- to all the menial crap in my life. Add to that therapist appointments and attempting to spend time with the boyfriend, who, has no job at the moment and I've been aiding (slightly) in resume writing, job finding, cover-letter writing, etc...
*sigh*
I want to give up and give in and give it all back. Where do I mail the Return to Sender letter? :(
Today I did laundry and grocery shopping and managed to pick up a bunch of empty boxes, since we're moving in a couple weeks and I've hardly scratched the surface of packing... but aside from that, well .. I fed my child breakfast, made her lunch for school, slathered her in sunscreen and packed her off to a school trip .. I made myself a snack, but not much of anything to eat... I attempted to go to the food bank, but after standing around for >30 mins, it didn't look like anyone was being dealt with, and there were more than a dozen people ahead of me in line, so no way I'd be out of there in time to get the child from school -- so I left that for tomorrow's list ....
I didn't get to the dishes.. or any other tidying up .. I didn't put the laundry away yet .. I have not packed a single one of those new boxes.. here it is only 3pm and I am completely out of energy for the rest of the day.... BUT now my daughter is home and wants my attention and my affection and my imagination to entertain her ..... I. Have. Nothing. Left. To. Give.
So where does my time go? I guess I just answered it -- to all the menial crap in my life. Add to that therapist appointments and attempting to spend time with the boyfriend, who, has no job at the moment and I've been aiding (slightly) in resume writing, job finding, cover-letter writing, etc...
*sigh*
I want to give up and give in and give it all back. Where do I mail the Return to Sender letter? :(
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Game, set, match.
wiki has this to say about game theory:
"Given two actors, oneself and someone else, there are four types of possible behavior; Selfishness, Altruism, Spite, and Cooperation. Selfishness is harming someone else in order to help oneself; Altruism is harming oneself in order to help someone else; Spite is harming oneself in order to harm someone else; Cooperation is helping oneself and helping someone else."
I often feel like I yo-yo between being selfish and feeling altruistic ... I'm not sure, regardless of all the Barney episodes in the world, that I actually understand how cooperation is achieved. Sure, I can read the logical definition and comprehend the words used... but actually having both parties gain from an event or experience.... how does that work?? John Kramer (AKA Jigsaw) always set scenes where cooperation was the ultimate ruler -- if you cooperated, you could save each other with the least amount of pain to oneself and if you didn't, you'd likely both/all die..... when it has been set up to work that way, of course the mechanism of cooperation is obvious, but it is the real life scenarios that throw me for a loop. When two people want such very different things, when two people come from such very different background and experiences, when two people see and interpret the world in such very different ways, how is cooperation actualized such that both parties come out on top?
This is why D/s relationships make more sense to me -- if one is always the leader and the other the subservient follower, is this not, also a form of cooperation -- or does it fall more into altruism?
Only, at some point, I always feel the selfish nature creeping in, over-taking my altruism and throwing all else to the wind, demanding that my needs in the moment out-weigh all other elements. And sometimes, I just can't stop myself, like this selfishness has been rolled into a ball, held at bay during other interactions and suddenly breaks free, rolling with its own momentum forcing it into the daylight and refusing to be halted................. (yeah, I think I just tripped over my own tongue, but I don't know how else to explain that feeling??)
Is it wrong to be selfish? To be altruistic? ... spite seems like an obvious one to avoid, but is it really so obvious? Why does cooperation trump all others? Is that really the most viable option???!
some days I am more confused than others :(
"Given two actors, oneself and someone else, there are four types of possible behavior; Selfishness, Altruism, Spite, and Cooperation. Selfishness is harming someone else in order to help oneself; Altruism is harming oneself in order to help someone else; Spite is harming oneself in order to harm someone else; Cooperation is helping oneself and helping someone else."
I often feel like I yo-yo between being selfish and feeling altruistic ... I'm not sure, regardless of all the Barney episodes in the world, that I actually understand how cooperation is achieved. Sure, I can read the logical definition and comprehend the words used... but actually having both parties gain from an event or experience.... how does that work?? John Kramer (AKA Jigsaw) always set scenes where cooperation was the ultimate ruler -- if you cooperated, you could save each other with the least amount of pain to oneself and if you didn't, you'd likely both/all die..... when it has been set up to work that way, of course the mechanism of cooperation is obvious, but it is the real life scenarios that throw me for a loop. When two people want such very different things, when two people come from such very different background and experiences, when two people see and interpret the world in such very different ways, how is cooperation actualized such that both parties come out on top?
This is why D/s relationships make more sense to me -- if one is always the leader and the other the subservient follower, is this not, also a form of cooperation -- or does it fall more into altruism?
Only, at some point, I always feel the selfish nature creeping in, over-taking my altruism and throwing all else to the wind, demanding that my needs in the moment out-weigh all other elements. And sometimes, I just can't stop myself, like this selfishness has been rolled into a ball, held at bay during other interactions and suddenly breaks free, rolling with its own momentum forcing it into the daylight and refusing to be halted................. (yeah, I think I just tripped over my own tongue, but I don't know how else to explain that feeling??)
Is it wrong to be selfish? To be altruistic? ... spite seems like an obvious one to avoid, but is it really so obvious? Why does cooperation trump all others? Is that really the most viable option???!
some days I am more confused than others :(
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it not even if i have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." -- Buddha
Friday, February 25, 2011
journaling ..
I often wish I could collect my thoughts on the white-board of my mind, eloquently, coherently, chronologically -- heck, APA style if we're going for wishes.......... I wish I could do it mid thought, mid sentence, any time at all during a conversation. I get so very caught up in the subtle nuances and miss the broad strokes, or so very trampled by the broad strokes that I can't even grasp the subtleties.......
Time is my enemy and my only adversary .. time is the best friend I'll ever have. Time doesn't really exist and yet we face it over and over and over again.
Somehow, when I journal, things seem to fall out of my fingertips in an order that makes sense (to me?) and that convey exactly the message I was aiming for initially. Why can't they slip off my tongue with the same ease? Why do I always feel so very tongue-tied and lost and like I never say what I mean and I most certainly don't mean what I'm saying?
I am going to try again. I began this blog with the best of intentions and somewhere in the mix of things I lost my focus. I am worth trying again. The goal is _me_ and finding my head in the midst of my heart. "She has a good heart." Golly at least that has never been in question -- now if only I could have a good head on my shoulders, maybe the two might be able to get something done! Instead, it often feels like my mind is exploding so frequently, so drastically, that my skull can't possibly contain it and I spill all over those nearest to me at the time, whether they friend, foe or otherwise.
Control. This is something I have a serious lack of -- in my self, in my life, in my grasp of reality......
---
I have begun to port my other journals over to this one place. No need to read 'em all, but feel free to browse through the older entries, if you're, y'know .. curious ;) Some of them currently date back to 2003, but if all goes according to plan, I have them all the way back to 1992 -- and tell me you aren't curious what a twelve year old girl writes about in her diary! (no, really, tell me.. cuz if you aren't, I wont waste the time in digitizing all that crap and I'll find some other endeavor to undertake!!)
Here's to a slightly calmer future ... with all the intensity of a life well lived.
[just so you know (yes you! you know who you are!)... I've thought about it ... and I really _am_ happy -- sure, I'm sad and confused and mixed-up and worried and scared and nervous and anxious and a little excited....... but I really AM happy ...... maybe not so euphoric, but who says euphoria is any sort of state to exist in long-term anyhow?? happy it is and happy is the best I need for long-term....... please don't think I'm not happy -- even when I'm crying, I'm happy that I have the freedom to be able to express my sadness!]
Time is my enemy and my only adversary .. time is the best friend I'll ever have. Time doesn't really exist and yet we face it over and over and over again.
Somehow, when I journal, things seem to fall out of my fingertips in an order that makes sense (to me?) and that convey exactly the message I was aiming for initially. Why can't they slip off my tongue with the same ease? Why do I always feel so very tongue-tied and lost and like I never say what I mean and I most certainly don't mean what I'm saying?
I am going to try again. I began this blog with the best of intentions and somewhere in the mix of things I lost my focus. I am worth trying again. The goal is _me_ and finding my head in the midst of my heart. "She has a good heart." Golly at least that has never been in question -- now if only I could have a good head on my shoulders, maybe the two might be able to get something done! Instead, it often feels like my mind is exploding so frequently, so drastically, that my skull can't possibly contain it and I spill all over those nearest to me at the time, whether they friend, foe or otherwise.
Control. This is something I have a serious lack of -- in my self, in my life, in my grasp of reality......
---
I have begun to port my other journals over to this one place. No need to read 'em all, but feel free to browse through the older entries, if you're, y'know .. curious ;) Some of them currently date back to 2003, but if all goes according to plan, I have them all the way back to 1992 -- and tell me you aren't curious what a twelve year old girl writes about in her diary! (no, really, tell me.. cuz if you aren't, I wont waste the time in digitizing all that crap and I'll find some other endeavor to undertake!!)
Here's to a slightly calmer future ... with all the intensity of a life well lived.
[just so you know (yes you! you know who you are!)... I've thought about it ... and I really _am_ happy -- sure, I'm sad and confused and mixed-up and worried and scared and nervous and anxious and a little excited....... but I really AM happy ...... maybe not so euphoric, but who says euphoria is any sort of state to exist in long-term anyhow?? happy it is and happy is the best I need for long-term....... please don't think I'm not happy -- even when I'm crying, I'm happy that I have the freedom to be able to express my sadness!]
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
(see? Emerson understands why I think being a self-centered prick is a good thing!)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
cut n' paste-ables
at loose ends
when there is ... no free horizon of expectation
personal feeling of a lacking
breakdown
world-pain or world-weariness
physical-reality can never satisfy the demands of the mind
own weaknesses are caused by the inappropriateness and cruelty of the world & circumstances
pathos inherent in the singing of spirits
especially dark romanticism
Storm and Urge
extremes of emotion were given free expression
escape from the perceived unpleasant or banal aspects of daily life
foster a growing tendency of people to remove themselves from the rigors of daily life
an inability or unwillingness to connect meaningfully with the world
pulling away, being confined
phenomenon of reclusive people
seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement
gripping listlessness or melancholia; annoyance
Ennui. Acedia. Torpor. Coma.
when there is ... no free horizon of expectation
personal feeling of a lacking
breakdown
world-pain or world-weariness
physical-reality can never satisfy the demands of the mind
own weaknesses are caused by the inappropriateness and cruelty of the world & circumstances
pathos inherent in the singing of spirits
especially dark romanticism
Storm and Urge
extremes of emotion were given free expression
escape from the perceived unpleasant or banal aspects of daily life
foster a growing tendency of people to remove themselves from the rigors of daily life
an inability or unwillingness to connect meaningfully with the world
pulling away, being confined
phenomenon of reclusive people
seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement
gripping listlessness or melancholia; annoyance
Ennui. Acedia. Torpor. Coma.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
poetry on the fly?
Consumed.
There is no better word.
I feel as though my life has been
reduced
to fuel for yours.
Three decades of experience
truncated and shrunk
to nothing more than
a stepping stone
for your desire.
I invite it.
I welcome it.
I seek your attention
like life seeks death.
From the moment we met,
my world turned sideways,
aiming for complete upheaval.
Nothing I'd ever done
before
could have prepared me for
now.
You are the fire
I have been longing for.
You are the momentum
I have been missing.
Love usurps lust
and we transcend
into bliss
into agony
into anguish
into orgasm.
If it is always darkest before the dawn,
then this blackness
which surrounds me
is the colour of hope.
There is no better word.
I feel as though my life has been
reduced
to fuel for yours.
Three decades of experience
truncated and shrunk
to nothing more than
a stepping stone
for your desire.
I invite it.
I welcome it.
I seek your attention
like life seeks death.
From the moment we met,
my world turned sideways,
aiming for complete upheaval.
Nothing I'd ever done
before
could have prepared me for
now.
You are the fire
I have been longing for.
You are the momentum
I have been missing.
Love usurps lust
and we transcend
into bliss
into agony
into anguish
into orgasm.
If it is always darkest before the dawn,
then this blackness
which surrounds me
is the colour of hope.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Does he even care about how much I hurt? Will he ever?
It has been months. I don't even know how to update - so, I wont.
What has brought me to the pixelated nethers of my life, to pour my soul out to strangers and mostly to no one?? .. I have no other outlet.
I hurt. I ache. I feel like my lungs are in a vice and only a trickle of oxygen is getting through at a time. My brain is on fire, my chest is constricted, too ... my eyes burn ... my limbs tense ......
Why, you ask?
I cannot walk away. He is the very energy I have sought my whole existence. Yet he stakes claims over me which I cannot fully fathom, nor ever truly allow. How can I be completely subservient like he demands of me? How can I let go of all I have worked so very long and hard to sustain? I don't suggest that it was anything GOOD I've built ... but how can I still be me, while losing myself in him?
And what of the hurt I feel when he gives her what I crave most? He thinks I can't take it or don't want it .... sure, there are complications (like, nothing visible to the prying eyes of the rugrat) ... but I crave it.. I crave it .. I CRAVE it and he denies me.
When I think of her and him, I want to run and never look back -- that is how much it hurts.
Yet he either doesn't get it, doesn't care, or feels it is entirely justified.
He thinks I don't trust him. How can he think that, when I stand by and consistently let him turn my insides to mush? Every moment he bestows upon her and I feel sick, yet it continues and he has the audacity to think I don't trust him? I don't respect him? ... he gives to her and I stand by. I just want to die. He thinks I don't understand that what they have isn't anything like what we have. As if that were ever the issue. That she has of him AT ALL is what hurts. That she can command even a moment of his time. That he spent so very much of his time. That she can afford to purchase his time. That he gets off on her; that he took pictures to commemorate with her. If there were anything in my stomach at all, I'd be hurling just typing these words. I wonder if I could explain, somehow explain, try to find the words to express the pain. I don't even know that I understand it -- all I know is that I experience the physical response to it.... and that he wants to keep hurting me. He goes forth and whether blindly or otherwise, he continues to hurt me thus -- and I don't run from him .....
ghawd I'm sick .. I'm sick in the head.. I'm sick in the heart .. I'm sick in the depth of my black, black soul ......
He makes me want to die.....
... and he makes me look forward to a long, long life in his possession.
What has brought me to the pixelated nethers of my life, to pour my soul out to strangers and mostly to no one?? .. I have no other outlet.
I hurt. I ache. I feel like my lungs are in a vice and only a trickle of oxygen is getting through at a time. My brain is on fire, my chest is constricted, too ... my eyes burn ... my limbs tense ......
Why, you ask?
I cannot walk away. He is the very energy I have sought my whole existence. Yet he stakes claims over me which I cannot fully fathom, nor ever truly allow. How can I be completely subservient like he demands of me? How can I let go of all I have worked so very long and hard to sustain? I don't suggest that it was anything GOOD I've built ... but how can I still be me, while losing myself in him?
And what of the hurt I feel when he gives her what I crave most? He thinks I can't take it or don't want it .... sure, there are complications (like, nothing visible to the prying eyes of the rugrat) ... but I crave it.. I crave it .. I CRAVE it and he denies me.
When I think of her and him, I want to run and never look back -- that is how much it hurts.
Yet he either doesn't get it, doesn't care, or feels it is entirely justified.
He thinks I don't trust him. How can he think that, when I stand by and consistently let him turn my insides to mush? Every moment he bestows upon her and I feel sick, yet it continues and he has the audacity to think I don't trust him? I don't respect him? ... he gives to her and I stand by. I just want to die. He thinks I don't understand that what they have isn't anything like what we have. As if that were ever the issue. That she has of him AT ALL is what hurts. That she can command even a moment of his time. That he spent so very much of his time. That she can afford to purchase his time. That he gets off on her; that he took pictures to commemorate with her. If there were anything in my stomach at all, I'd be hurling just typing these words. I wonder if I could explain, somehow explain, try to find the words to express the pain. I don't even know that I understand it -- all I know is that I experience the physical response to it.... and that he wants to keep hurting me. He goes forth and whether blindly or otherwise, he continues to hurt me thus -- and I don't run from him .....
ghawd I'm sick .. I'm sick in the head.. I'm sick in the heart .. I'm sick in the depth of my black, black soul ......
He makes me want to die.....
... and he makes me look forward to a long, long life in his possession.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
0ne Milkshake < Two Straws
[a worth1000.com contest 4yrs ago, rules were: pick 3 themes from Rock concerts, World Cup Football (Soccer, for the yanks), Chess, Romance (if you pick this, keep it PG), Giant Robots. 800-1500 words]
The sub-process called upon to run mechanics of the upper portion was perceptively slower than that required of the next segment down, but even this could not match the minute and precise movements required by the lowest extremity.
The Game was something like ancient Chess, only that was a game reserved for the lesser abilities of Deep-Blue class machines. Even Rodenberry's fictional universe had only conceived of a third axis upon which to play the Game, which, for processors of the current era, was a mere step away from simple algebraic equations.
No, perhaps the Game resembled nothing in mankind's history. For this was a game played only by the elite on Umberia; the Umbaudsmen who could afford the risk involved were seldom known to cower in defeat.
But for Firkenwrench the stakes were an entirely different matter. His machine held secrets even he, himself could not define. The programming, which had begun as an inebriated joke upon his insomnia-riddled mind, had exploded into an entirely new avenue for Umberkin design. No one on the home planet had ever dreamed it possible, not since the early trials over two centuries ago.
Svelt Firkenwrench woke as though from a fugue. He disentangled himself from the bed sheets and ran a hand over his face, lacing his fingers through his thinning hair, before reaching out to reclaim his eyeglasses. Standing from his bunk, Svelt remembered at the last moment to duck his head, avoiding the overhanging light. This maneuver should have been second nature by now, sixteen months into the flight, but the numerous scratches and welts adorning his ample forehead proved otherwise. It wasn't that Firkenwrench was uniquely tall, in fact he was hardly 6'5 in his work boots, but the vessel he was traveling upon had not been designed to carry Umbaudsmen as anything more than day passengers. The bunking rooms were all crafted for the delicate and compact Shargrians, who were known universally for their wanderlust. Although Firkenwrench's travel choices were not unheard of, they were of such a rare occurrence that bunk expansion was not high on the list of InterOp concerns.
After a quick shave, carried out at a slouch in front of the in-room mirror and a standard InterOp supplement pack, Firkenwrench made his way through the tubes to his lab.
The latest match between the Umberkin and Shargerkin players had been a stalemate.
On its own, this news does not appear startling, until, of course, one acknowledges that in seventy two years of play, no game had ever been concluded without a clear victor. Firkenwrench's new programming was creating a buzz which had rippled across the InterOp channels faster than even the annual tournaments could boast.
One Umberkin was a visual army unto itself and facing opposite the Shargerkin player, the sight was impressive even to the untrained eye of a novice viewer. Firkenwrench had dubbed his newest programming masterpiece with the honourable title of K’Umber, a token to the bygone goddess Kuli, said to have been the creator of all chaos, fire and aggression on ancient Umberia. Thusly, K’Umber was bedecked in darkness and flame while the Shargerkin's player, Shark, named for an extinct killer from the sea, portrayed harsh blues and grays. The opponents were given the chance to begin on equal footing at a predetermined time, but for this match K’Umber had taken the seldom used second stance. Following Shark's initial maneuver, K’Umber responded with a daring flank and skipped the opening formalities. This play, while respected and honoured amongst Game Masters, was not generally seen from new players, due to the often costly results. This gave K’Umber the momentary upper hand and Shark was forced to retaliate sooner in the Game than usual.
For those watching each snapshot coming from the Games room, a common breath was held. Shark was playing by the book; K’Umber, without breaking any rules, was doing something different.
K’Umber's next move seemed to betray a weakness in part. Was defense a universal weakness when chosen over the attack or only in the Game?
Wait, was K’Umber protecting a single play? This made no logical sense. K’Umber had programming. Certainly the most advanced of any machine to date, but programming none the less. In the viewing rooms, the elders, both Umberian and Shargrian, peeled their eyes from the screen and glanced at one another. It was not current curriculum to dissect the foibles of two centuries long past, but it had been at one time. The theory had been pronounced, tested and thrown out in under a decade. The possibility of revival was absurd.
Firkenwrench watched the match snapshot by snapshot on a small viewing screen in his lab. Chair of Honour was offered to the lead from both parties, and while most Umbaudsmen reveled in the attention granted by this position, Svelt knew something monumental was happening. He preferred to experience the awe in privacy.
K’Umber made a final sweep. The snapshot froze as the Game ended. Shark had not been defeated. The viewing rooms were silent. The expressions of young and old ranged from confusion to elation, respectively. The Games room went black and both machines stepped back from one another, slinking to the floor, while each retaining contact of the others lowest extremity -- these seeming to pulse.
The sight of machines, thirty stories high and taking up two city blocks, holding hands was enough to confuse even the smartest of the youth. One elder stepped up to the InterOp communication board and keyed in a network message.
Firkenwrench smiled into his view screen. K’Umber had affected Shark. The first domino had fallen. It was only a matter of time before the entire fleet would access the new programming. Betting pools all over the galaxy collapsed instantaneously. Robots with emotions meant that the Game was over.
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