Reason's got nothing to do with it!

When we put socks on in the morning, our feet send a message, via our nervous system, to our brain to let it know that it feels the cloth on our skin. But then the brain does an amazing thing -- it forgets about them! OR rather, it assesses the information, looking for signs of action (is there pain, heat, etc) sees that there is none, and discards the information -- in essence, puts a block over it and turns it into a "white" sensation (like white noise)... otherwise, all day long, our brain would be listening to the feet saying "I'm wearing socks!... I'm wearing socks!"

If you've ever had a hole in your sock, you know exactly how this system can fail ... all day, you are squirming your toes around, trying to get that hole into a position where your brain will forget about it... or if you have a pebble or other dirt in your shoe, the same failure occurs -- you are trying to focus on walking and not bumping into people, but your darn foot keeps telling your brain "there's something wrong here!"

... this is what my daughter goes through every time she simply puts on her socks.

She does not have an "official diagnosis" yet, but from the vast amount of reading I have done, and from knowing her as well as I do (I'm a single mom, with an only child... we have spent a LOT of time together!)  I am more than certain she has a condition called SPD (sensory processing disorder).

She puts on her socks and if they are not the right kind, in the right place, and arranged exactly so on her feet, ankles and legs ... she can have a melt-down.  And next comes the shoes.... they complicate matters again.  We often buy shoes 1 to 2 sizes too big, in order to avoid constant battles.

Because believe me -- they were CONSTANT until I learned about this condition.  Knowledge is power. I have been able to work with her and come up with plans of action that help lessen the conflict, and actually let us get to school on time in the morning. Some mornings, anyhow -- and some is better than none... we're taking steps in the right direction!

My daughter is 8 and she is aware of how this condition has caused problems for her. In fact, this summer she developed a process to avoid the daily fight about shirts -- she recognized that putting a shirt on made her feel too warm and icky (even though we have central air, and it was often colder in the apartment than I liked!) ... so she decided, after many days of grabbing an ice pack from the freezer to cool herself down, she would simply wrap her t-shirt around the ice pack and put it back into the freezer, while she did the rest of her morning routine... and then let her shirt be the last thing she put on before we left the house.  This has been a life-saving solution for us! We've avoided many shouting matches and meltdowns (because believe me, some mornings, SHE is not the only one having a meltdown!!)

Once, she was having a rough time getting her socks (which were the RIGHT kind) and her shoes (which were her favourite ones, that she KNOWS she likes) into the correct spot... after many frustrating on-again-off-again attempts, she put them on, jumped up and opened the front door, saying "C'mon mommy, lets just GO, 'cause once I'm out of the house I wont be able to change them AGAIN!"   She is very apt and very smart and no matter how much she wants this stuff to be a part of her younger self's past, it simply is out of her control.

When explaining these scenarios to an adult friend, who is an educated ECE worker, the friend of mine said "But she realizes she is the one being unreasonable, right?" .... and my heart broke.  My daughter is not being unreasonable... she has a diagnosable condition that, while has potential to get better with some therapeutic help, has nothing at all to do with REASON.  It is about the way her brain processes the information and either turns it into that "white" sensation or not.  In her case, it takes MUCH longer to happen.  I said to the friend "If a person is in a wheelchair, cannot stand, and there is something on a high shelf out of their reach, if they do not get it, are they being unreasonable?? No, of course not -- it is not something they can do. It is outside of their ability. It has nothing to do with reason."

We have had days where I literally force her into a pair of tights, open the door and deposit her and her shoes and coat and school bag into the hallway, she full of tears, me full of anger born of frustration.... and spent the rest of the day full of guilt for sending her off to school after a morning like that... only to have this smiling girl come home, hug me, apologize for her attitude in the morning, and ask if we can please buy more pairs of tights like these because she simply loves them... !!!! there are no words for how I feel at that moment. It doesn't make any sense.  We simply go with what we know.  We buy the clothes that work for her (tights, but not yoga-pants because there is too much at the waist ... no jeans or other pants with buttons, again, too much bulk at the waist .... socks with no strings inside -- so no designs.... of a certain height, but not tubes, must have specific heels ..... shoes too big ... t-shirts must have ALL tags cut out .. long-sleeves are totally hit and miss .... etc etc etc)  And if something doesn't work, it goes out right away.

As things in our life settle into a good routine, I have every intention of taking her to get an official diagnosis and have someone talk with her about how to better control her frustrations and anxieties around these issues... but for now, the information I have about SPD has allowed me to have much more patience with my little girl and has allowed us both to avoid fighting the inevitable....

(and yes, she exhibits other signs of SPD... just not writing about them here right now!!)

1in4: The upside to down.

We often talk about how domestic violence isolates.  It does.  This post is not about that.  I’d like to flip the focus and look at another aspect of post-trauma, a place where survival has moved into survivor and struggle has changed to strength…

For those still in the midst of domestic violence, or for those in the early steps of fleeing to safety, this post is intended to offer hope. For those who are closer to where I am along my journey, I can only hope you have been fortunate enough to experience similar positive aspects.  If you’re not there yet — I invite you to make steps to be where you want to be.


It isn’t that often in this life that we are given the opportunity to start over — to reinvent ourselves.  Sure, all those lovely quotes we see pasted all over Facebook talk about ‘if you’re not happy, then do something about it’ … and ‘live the life you were born to live’ … and while I’m all for their sappy sentiment, the reality is, in North America (as I imagine in much of the world) it is a struggle just to get by… to put one foot in front of the other and face the ever-present nowness of life. The bills need to be paid, the kids need to be fed, the groceries bought, this kid to the dentist, that kid to dance class, the kitty litter changed, the garbage to the curb, the health-card renewed, taxes filed, laundry done…. and lather, rinse, repeat Ad infinitum [the Latin phrase meaning "to infinity"] When in the midst of all this, is there TIME to stop and reinvent yourself? To take that night class that will better your degree and change your pay scale… to decide on an entire new path for your career… to change your perspective and change your potential takes TIME and the patience and understanding of those who support you in your life.

Well let me tell you — fleeing domestic violence and losing everything you own in the process… having to walk away from your job in order to take care of yourself or your children; when the pieces finally settle, the court battle has wound down and you no longer feel in crisis — this is where you will find some time and if you are lucky, your support-networks will be understanding — if you are not so lucky, then you will be building new support networks from within the service agencies connected to supporting survivors of domestic violence here in Hamilton (or whatever town you happen to call home).

Nothing I’m saying is advocating domestic violence as a positive aspect for changing your life — I am simply taking a different view of the other side, the place you get to where you have to put all the pieces back together.  Those pieces don’t have to look the same way they did before they broke.  There’s a quote (from one of those silly Facebook images!) I read once, that says “If you carry the bricks from your past relationships to the new one, you will build the same house.”  The opportunity available to you on the other side of healing, is that you can take this time to reevaluate your needs and your wants in this world.  This is a chance to go forward from a new perspective into the life you really want to be living.

If you were running yourself ragged 9-5 at a job you didn’t enjoy, maybe now is the time to take that class you needed to upgrade your skill set and change your career.

If you weren’t connecting with your kids in a way that felt meaningful, maybe now is the time to do some counseling together, or plan a routine that involves more face-time together, including sit-down dinners or family games nights.

If you didn’t have space for your passions or hobbies before, maybe now is when you make that part of the must-haves in your new housing search. [This is one I did -- I make jewellery but had always been unpacking materials from a Rubbermaid bin to use, and packing it all back up after each session... now I have it spread out across a table in my bedroom so I can just pop over and make a piece any time the mood arises... I couldn't even begin to express how wonderful this has been! I have a friend who is planning a garden in her new place, because she misses getting her fingers dirty and enjoying the fruits of her labour afterwards.]

If you didn’t get enough exercise or fresh air in your rushed lifestyle before, now is the time to get involved in the Wellness programs available to women, through Good Shepherd or the YWCA or any number of organizations.  Take the opportunity to get together for a quick bite with the new supports you’ll make through survivors groups (or through the Forum here!) and plan to attend a Yoga group together, or a public swim with the kids.

Find your own “If”‘s and discover the freedom to do it differently.

This is your life. Domestic violence is a crazy wake-up call. The only time we have is now.  Rather than drown in the sorrows and losses from the past — reach out and grab a hold of your future — you can change it up any way you want to and be excited about the possibilities. Remember, you may be down, but you’re not out!