1in4: What do you mean 'survivor'?

When talking about domestic violence, one often hears the term “survivor”. I know I’ve used it to speak of myself, and to refer to my fellow 1 in Four founders.  But it wasn’t until someone who has no experience with domestic violence on any level asked me “What do you mean by ‘survivor’?” that I actually paused to consider the use of this particular word.

We use survivor as opposed to victim. To me it is for obvious reasons — one is positive, life-affirming, and empowering… while the other is negative, hurtful and powerless.

Before I go too much further, lets look at the actual definition of these words:

victim: n
1.    A person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action.
2.    A person who is tricked or duped: “the victim of a hoax”.
survivor: n
1.    A person who survives, esp. a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died: “the sole survivor of the massacre”.
2.    The remainder of a group of people or things.

The news often uses the first term — victim of domestic violence; victim of a heinous crime; victim of circumstances….  But those in the know, those who have lived through domestic violence and come out the other side, alive and stronger for the experience — we know better. We are survivors.

And the important part of survivor comes from the definition of survive:

survive:
v.intr.
1. To remain alive or in existence.
2. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere: families that were surviving in tents after the flood.
3. To remain functional or usable: I dropped the radio, but it survived.
v.tr.
1. To live longer than; outlive: She survived her husband by five years.
2. To live, persist, or remain usable through: plants that can survive frosts; a clock that survived a fall.
3. To cope with (a trauma or setback); persevere after: survived child abuse.

… to carry on despite… to persevere… to persist…. to cope!

Survivors of domestic violence are some of the strongest women I know, and yet at the same time, they are soft in their own right — they are kind, generous, caring, loving.  They learn to trust again after the worst breach of trust possible. They learn to forgive — forgive their abusers (from a safe distance!!) and most importantly, to forgive themselves.

When it comes to domestic violence, the nuance of it is — we are all victims… but when there is a shift in the mind, when we transition through the healing, there comes a point where being labeled a victim no longer serves any purpose on our journey.  When this happens, that is when we have truly survived. When we are finally a survivor.

I could go on and talk about the supports in our lives, about how important service providers are and getting connected with the right people at the right time — about the importance of shelters and crisis lines and therapists and transitional support workers and groups, etc, etc, etc…  But I think that really does go without saying –  1 in Four wouldn’t exist at all if we didn’t see those connections as paramount to the survival of women experiencing domestic violence.

I send this blog out to everyone who doesn’t understand why the terminology is so important, but I also send it out to those women who are still stuck in the cycle of abuse — and I don’t mean just being hit, or just being hurt by your partner — the cycle doesn’t end when you leave, even if you’re lucky enough to have an ex-partner who will just let you go. The cycle only ends when YOU make that shift from victim-hood into the role of survivor.

There are a lot of survivors here, waiting for you….. just take that step and we’ll be here to spot you along the way. You are strong enough. You are worth it. You made it this far, you can go the distance. We believe in you!