My body isn't beautiful, it just IS!

So, just a few moments ago on Facebook, I saw Upworthy post about "7 real ladies get real about swimsuit shopping" and I watched this video:

Which prompted me to make this response in the comments:

Cassandra J. Henry I kinda dig .. I kinda don't ...... I guess, for me, when I try on a bathing suit, I'm more practical -- does it feel comfortable, is it going to ride up in the water, is there some strange massive amount of extra flap-like cloth that the designer thought would somehow "hide" my curves (cuz really, who WANTS that?!) .... if it passes those, and it's in my price bracket, then I put it on my body and go to the beach, or the pool, or the splash pad with kids..... THIS is my body. I'm required to wear something to cover parts of it to make it look "decent" for North American public consumption... but these are the arms that I toss my daughter around in the water with, these are the legs that break the waves to get me out to the nice cool deep water to refresh myself in the heat with ... and what it LOOKS like isn't really all that important. I think too many of these "everyone feels the same about their beach bodies" videos are still kinda missing the point -- those insecurities are only normal because we ALLOW them to be! We are beautiful, amazing creatures, and we need to stop focusing so much on what we LOOK like and instead on what we're DOING, THINKING, CREATING....! I love the skin I'm in, whatever size it happens to be... I want clothes that functions with my body and allows me to be, act and do ......!

And then another Facebook user replied directly to my comment with these words:

[Poster's name removed for privacy] You make that sound as if I hate my body and myself on purpose. As if women like me "allow" input from other people to effect us.

If that were true then people telling me I look nice wpuld help. Or my fiance saying I'm beautiful would make me believe that about myself.

How you feel about yourself has nothing to do with other people, as much as we wpuld like that.

Personally I've always hated my body. I had the perfect body once, perfect skin perfect hair, but I still loathed myself.

It is something you have to work on with yourself every day and I'm no where close.

But please, please don't try to say we allow this to "happen" to us. Like saying, well your just doing it to yourself. Because trust me when I say if I could change my mindset based on other people, I would love myself by now.

I felt kind of like a heel for my original comment, like I'd missed a really integral part of my journey to where I am today, so I followed up to her comment with this response:

Cassandra J. Henry  Oh [name removed for privacy]! *hugs* I'm really sorry if what I said hurt you and your struggle. I wasn't trying to be callous with my words. Your fight is real and the way you feel is very real. I didn't always feel the way I feel now. I'm 35 and I remember blowing on dandelions when I was 9 years old and making wishes, that I would wake up and be thin. I remember 'star light, star bright, first star I see tonight' wishes that I would have a body that fit into normal sized clothing and not adult clothing that never quite fit right. I remember hating my body so much that I stopped even SEEING it from the neck down. Your pain is not something I dismiss. I've struggled with an eating disorder for nearly 3 decades. I've been up and down in weight. The proudest I've been of myself is the last 6 months -- I haven't lost a pound, I'm still the biggest I've ever been in my life, but I am STABLE and I can look at myself in the mirror in a dress and SMILE.

I _really_ _really_ think that you might want to read more about the way that our social programming defines beauty, and the way that we're taught what that perfect image is, and how unrealistic it is for anyone to ever achieve or maintain those forms of so-called beauty. We are beautiful by the actions we do, not by the skin we wear. I've spent a long time reading about things like the #HAES movement and #effyourbeautystandards support networks. Because what it all boils down to for me, I am alive and I have been through hell and back, but I've fought it with every breath I've taken -- and THIS body was there with me every damn step of the way. I want to live life and I want to enjoy it. I want to DO things and MEET people and GO places. I refuse to hide behind the hate and the fear that the world has told me I should have towards my body because it does not match up with the unrealistic expectations of beauty that are portrayed everywhere I turn, in every shop window and every commercial and every TV show and movie. I am not the comic relief of my life, I am the main character and I am going to shine! And you, [name removed for privacy] can be the star of your own life, too! Again, I'm really sorry if my words felt dismissive of your struggles!

I'm not sure if I covered the whole nuance of what I meant, or what I feel... but I wanted to transpose it over here, so that I can retain these words.

Update Thankfully she responded and the dialogue continued:

[Poster's name removed for privacy] Thank you for your words. They mean so very much, I really hope you know that.

I know mentally that my body is fine even by normal standards or whatever.

The problems I have with myself stem from being adopted and I know that. That is what makes it so frustrating. I know in my head and heart EXACTLY what the problem is, but no matter what I do or what I try, at the end of the day I still feel like a useless ugly piece of garbage, even though I KNOW that I'm not.

It is the most awful feeling in the world to know and believe you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are, but just not FEEL it.

The "fight song" brings me to tears every time because of that. I believe and know my worth, but just can't seem to feel it.

The beauty standards I was raised around were European/Asian. So pale skin, light hair, light eyes, tall, small waist, big hips, big breasts, small butt, small feet, heart shaped face, long hair, etc. And my (adoptive) mom is amazing with that. She never wore makeup, had weight issues etc but every day she said: you are special and beautiful and I want you to know how awesome you are.

Even still it is an unshakeable feeling of self loathing for the way you look, act, speak, read, listen, feel, smell. It sucks. :/

Again, thank you so much for your words of encouragement and thoughtfulness. People like you are what make people like me keep going. Your kids have a wonderful mother and I couldn't be happier to know that you are raising happy healthy kids. <3

And so I wrote back with these words:

Cassandra J. Henry I'm so glad you responded. Thank you for sharing your pain so publicly -- never an easy thing to do. You most certainly sound like you've got a lot of "fight left in" you :)  I'm sending hugs across the internet to you! Just know, day by day, it will get easier, it will get better, if you keep fighting for YOU.

[Not to be presumptuous in any way, but I always want to wear my mental-health hat in this moment, just know that if things AREN'T ever getting better and you feel yourself sinking, medical help might be needed. Depression can feel like a lonely dark hole that you can't ever climb out of, but there are resources out there to help!]

Remember that you are worth it all in the end, and every battle will make you that much stronger! Congrats on your engagement. It is always wonderful to have someone who sees the things we can't see about ourselves, sitting in our corner of this crazy fight we call life. From your words, I believe you will make it because anything else simply isn't an option for you! <3

Update So my original comment is currently 52 Likes strong... and our little thread has had the following comments:

Well said, Cassandra! I liked the content of both posts and I have no doubt of their authenticity. We have never met, but I think you are a beautiful person! You too [name removed for privacy]

You two are making me tear up over here... <3

Same here 

Update Up to 73 Likes and the following comment added:

Beautifully, eloquently, sensitively said Cassandra.

Related:

Earlier in the day, my sister shared this blog post titled "My wedding was perfect – and I was fat as hell the whole time" with the tag "Because being fat and happy and in love in public is still a radical act." 

To which I commented "Mom, maybe reading this will help you understand why it hurt so damn much when I felt BEAUTIFUL in my new dress and you said "isn't it a little too tight for you?" ... I know the problem began when I asked what you thought, because really, what mattered was how I felt .... I haven't worn that dress since, in case you're wondering." 

And my mother's response "Sorry, I am always going to answer honestly if asked." 

And my sister's to that "The question is though, honestly - why do you believe a dress to be too tight when a person wearing it is larger sized? It's all embedded in our ideas of who is allowed to wear tight clothing / what is beautiful."

I love both my mom and my sister, but I'm really lucky to be able to benefit from my sister's wisdom to balance it all out!