kyzilla arrived

[previously posted on xanga]

OUCH!

it has seriously been FOREVER .. like .. forever and a day!

I'm a mom now.  that's how long it has been!  She is about to be four months old.  She is the most beautiful baby in all the world (and I'm not biased at all! hehe!) You can check her out online at her website and see for yourself!

I've been uber busy with that.. I can hardly believe I'm here at all!

can't.stop.

[previously posted on xanga]

...and life prevails, regardless of depression and psychosis ...

stranger days could not have been than those of my recent history .. how to digest and move forwards -- who knows .. but of course, that's the only option .. no stopping now! their merry-go-round is spinning on all its axis' and no matter how loud I scream it wont stop for anyone!

but is there a light at the end of the tunnel? or is that as much a mirage as the tunnel itself? .. ahh ... the tunnel of birth .. mirrored in the tunnel of death .... or do we just start all over again, doomed to repeat the same existence on replay for all eternity?

but of course, time does not exist -- it is merely a mechanism of control... of communication .. of will-power .... can you stop the clock?

starving....

[previously posted on xanga]

dizzzzamn! it's been FOREVER since I've been here .. hrm ........... I moved out of Guelph, into my 'rents place .... and now, I'm looking to move again for December first ... craziness! I needa settle down, yo!! I totally forgot I had this blog .. 'til someone dumped brandimcgee's blog URL in an irc chan ... ghawd, some ppl are just fckn STARVED for attention! anywho .. nothing exciting to say .. check out my website if you want to know whats up in my life .. hope you're all missing me like crazy! mwahahahahahaha! oh, and HAPPY HALLOWE'EN!!

roommate.no.longer.needed!

[previously posted on xanga]

wowie zowie batman! I havn't been home for a while .. but last time I was, xanga was down and I cudnt update any hows!  buuut.. things seem to be running smoothly now! yay!! I've been staying at a friend's place a lot lately -- avoiding my roommate ... I havn't been home since last Thursday morning ... today I found out, finally, that my roommate is moving out for the end of September!  That means ... I'm looking for a new roommate for the 1st of October, 2003!  I live in Guelph, Ontario, Canada! soooo .. if you know anyone interested .. or YOU are interested .. drop me a line! I'm not sure how I'm going to be choosing this new person .. I sure did a fckn BAD job of it last time!  But I have a year's lease and I cant exactly afford a 2bdrm apt all by myself!  ... its $800 inclusive .. and I have Rogers cable internet that I pay $58.80+tax for .. soooo ... I'd be looking for the new roomie to pay $400/mo and $30/mo for 'net access if they wanted it .. (who doesn't want 'net access?!) I guess I'm gunna do up a nice li'l ad-like-thing and post it at the University of Guelph .. maybe someone else has had roommate problems and they're looking for a new place .. or just havnt found anything ... it sucks tho, that its for Oct .. most Univ. students will more'n likly already have a place .. *sigh* WISH ME LUCK!  I'll NEEEED it!

oi.

[previously posted on xanga]

I think I'm ill ... I had a dream last night where I was actually updating this page .... there's just something WRONG about DREAMING about XANGA!!!!!!!!!!!! my boring life prevails .. nothing on the horizon but more crizzzap .. I'm tryna save up some $money$ so I can go on a li'l trip (you know who you are!) .. but I still owe my mom soooo much money from getting my car fixed .. *sigh* I feel like I'll never get outta this hole!  .. AND .. I want to buy a webcam! :(  My roommate stole my good one .. and I haven't been streaming for months now .. *sigh*  I know I'm not this super hawt grrlie that everyone wants to watch .. but .. there's just something THRILLING about having 20+ ppl watching me do ABOSOfcknLUTELY nothing for hrs on end! :)  And sometimes they even chatter at me! wooohoo! iont get it ... ever since I rearranged my bedroom (cuz I hadda move my shizznitch from the livingroom into my room when my roommate punked me, so I cud put a deadbolt on the door for whenever I go out) my kitty cat has been sitting at the base of my bookshelves and MEOWing up at them, as if there's SOMETHING he wants me to do/know/get ... I cant figger it out!  I mean .. its been over a month now and he STILL does it!  I feel like such a dorkwad not knowing what he is getting at! :(  maybe I'll figger it out.. maybe I wont .. but either way, I thot y'all shud know about the frustrations in my life! :) hehe okay .. enuff boring drivvel from my fingertips .... cyz!

reposted repostable repost!

[previously posted on xanga]

[another older piece... dont feel like actually writing today] I woke up late in the game.  It was about four months before my twenty first birthday.  I hit my head hard on the way out and nearly shut down completely.  There were others there to help me -- at least I think they helped, I'm not sure what else they did at the same time.  They have chosen to be members of my past, for now, it seems. My name programmed response is Cassandra Jewell Henry and I am now nine days away from my twenty second birthday.  It has been an incredibly confusing sixteen months and I'm not sure what the next nine days will bring but I'm sure the tenth of June will prove to be a very interesting experience. Most of this doesn't make any more sense to me than it does to you, but I'm going to try my best to clear that up as soon as possible, just try and trust me for a little while -- as if you've ever done that before in your life.  Do you know what I mean by that? Trust? That part of you that lets go and allows someone else to be in control for a moment?  The only way I ever came close to achieving it with another person was through love and drugs.  I suppose in a way we put our trust in machines every day -- driving a car, microwaving a coffee, flying in a plane -- machines that could destroy us with one missed move and we use them on a regular basis.  But have you ever trusted the word of another person and done so because what you were hearing was what you knew to be the actual truth?  Well this time around I shit you not. I've been mulling this all over in my head for a good part of the past sixteen months, looking at it from all 7^1024 sides and I've finally come up with a pretty schnazzy explanation that not only makes sense but sounds pretty fun, too.  I don't have all the backward inside information but I've sure got a lot going on upfront for me and I'm going to leave my foot stuck in the door and let you glance inside for a moment if you're willing. There's twelve of you.  Not you as a whole, but twelve inside of you.  They're the players of the ultimate game called you.  When you were first conceived the artificial intelligence programming started and cell by cell you became a cube in the game of life.  At your time of birth twelve entities were selected and somehow injected into your subconscious mind and became your life force.  These players have 49.5% of the control and you as the game board have another 49.5% of the control.  It is the final 1% of control that is left to chance and this is what you both fight for in every level of the maze that is your life.  Every action has its reaction and ever day you live, you each grow closer to possessing that sought after 50.5% of control but because one can be divided in half for eternity, no one will ever claim it.  This is what allows life to continue. The players of the game do not know they are a part of the game and the game board does not know it is a part of the game, however at some point this will change for one side or both and the game will get much much messier.  Which side will be the stronger half?  Which side can work faster than the other?  Who can come closer to winning before the other side?  How many digits of pi do you know? This is all known as the ultimate mind fuck. Game boards, or people like you and me, all exist on the same playing field as in a role playing game and can interact with one another.  They may even form pairs or teams and work together to help or hinder one another.  There are monsters to be fought in many forms on a personal and individual level -- example, sexual abuse or caner -- as well as grouped and global levels -- example, the depletion of the ozone layer or discovering the uncharted territories of the sea and outer space. The reason I spoke of trust is because this is the ultimate and sole link between one game board and another.  If there is no trust than the flow of data will be tainted with untruths and ambiguities and neither side will ever learn anything from the interaction, thus gaining nothing towards whatever the ultimate goal of this game is. While all game boards are interacting on their own level, inside each person are twelve players interacting with one another to win a different game they play with one another.  There are many levels growing within each human being and every stimulus from the environment changes the maze and creates new obstacles for the twelve players.  These players, like people, can play together as teams or simply as individuals.  The goal of their game and that which will end it, is the discovery of the piece of code that is imprinted in every human being upon conception that defines it wholly - otherwise known as a name.

aliter-what-tion ?

[previously posted on xanga]

	sift softly sagging in a sea of self searching, severing senses senselessly seeing something sneaking slowly so soon shower sheer Sundays with sensory salvation sing to me and I will rejoice!