stock options?

[previously posted on xanga]

 how.. did he .. slip through my fingers .. before I ever even .. laid a hand on him? ... did I wait too long?  Of course I waited too long.. why did I wait in the first place?  I was scared... "Fear is not the end of this.." but it was the end of this ...

nothing weighs heavily as it fills my grasp to over-flowing

she touches him as I yearn to .. she looks upon him with her very own eyes and not through this mess of cybernetics as I must .. and yet I do not envy her, I only despise myself for being too late .. much too late ... too shy, too scared, too caught up with the bright lights and sparkling "things" of my self-crafted destruction ...

nothing presses my heart down deep into this pit of despair

I look on, wondering if maybe, just possibly, it will end before it begins .. and I can be the one to sneak in and claim the prize while no one is looking ... but what good would that do me, if he wasn't watching?!

nothing sneaks off with my soul, certain to sell high and buy low

'thrown'

[previously posted on xanga]

resting my little butt on the   edge of a razor holding myself together by   a thought     a prayer maybe tomorrow will bring     a ladder so I can climb down from my     precarious roost but someone once said     tomorrow never comes so here I sit for all eternity     on the throne of my own creation patiently awaiting that which will never happen and weaving tales     of heroism and heroine for any audience I can claim with the knowledge     that one day I'll get tired and     have to take a seat.

Ramblings from a visit to Kentucky

I don't understand .. any of it .. I don't know what to
write .. but I feel like I should.. like this is the
only thing left inside of me to do .. to sit down and
write what is going on inside of me.. but I'm afraid of
what is going on inside so I don't want to put it to
actual words because I don't know what that could
possibly mean ... oh ghawd.. I miss my mommy and my cat
so much .. I wish I could be with them right now.. what
am I doing in KY when I really don't want to be here??
I like it here enough .. Brandon makes me feel good..
but why am I waiting 'til Thursday to leave when I want
to be home right now???  oh I'm silly.. I'm silly silly
silly.. and I can't stop crying.. I don't know what any
of it means.. I don't understand any of it.. I don't
think I ever have or that I ever will....

someone once told me that everything was going to be
fine and I believed them ... but what does it mean to
believe something? and who is someone? do I know the
answer to either of these questions? does it help me if
I do??  who knows.. who is who? what is what? yellow
scares me.. and I'm starting to wonder if maybe orange
does, too .. but I never understood purple.. and blue
confused me first......

I want to sleep .. but what happens if I sleep??  why
am I so afraid? what am I afraid of? things being what
my brain thinks they might be? but that can't be
possible.. it's just a brain.. it's a bunch of cells
together making this person .. and no one else believes
the things I say.. so why should my brain continue to
believe them... they're confusing and backwards and
just figments of a delusional mind.. that's all...  but
can I really believe that? hardcore believe that? I'm
trying to .. very hard trying to .. I'm sad because I'm
afraid I DON'T believe that I'm just psychotic... it'd
be nice though, huh?

oh chaos oh bliss oh green bodies of my life.... slowly
crawl down my throat and invade my being.. give me
life... let me flourish under your care and learn
slowly....

I don't even know what I write anymore...

what do I write? can you see this? can you? do you
understand it? can you tell where I'm coming from? does
it make sense to you??  Brandon says it's just low
dopamine levels.. and it comes from doing too much E
... I'd like to believe that.. that'd be nice, too .....

why did I do so many drugs?! :(

why did I let my mom leave me in KY?

oh I miss her.....

what am I doing sitting at this computer and typing..
how is this helping me.. is it helping me any at all??

so many questions.. do I even want to know the answers?
no... I'm not really sure that I do .. I just ask them
because questions mean there are things left unknown ..
and unknown is good.. because it means there is still
more to discover.. and discovery is good because it is
something to do ....

what do I want to do?  I want to sing and dance and be
merry! grr.. I want to stop being itchy .. why am I so
itchy when I get in a state like this??  siwwy siwwy
things.. bah!

is there more to write? or can I sleep for a while.....
still I wonder what happens when I sleep .. I'm SOO
tired though .. but maybe I've been sleeping too much
and that's the problem .. but I'm SOOO tired!  I feel
like I've never slept before.. like my body is just
perched on the edge of sleep but never really gets to
get there.............

'cept I don't think I'm s'posed to go to sleep ... I'm
tired of writing... I'm tired of missing... I just want
to curl up, possibly beside Brandon ... and sleep for a
little while...

I'd REALLY like to curl up in my own bed with my kitty
at my feet and sleep for a long time.... that'd be the
thing to do ... I'll do that when I get home on
thursday ....

I need to call greyhound of Canuckia.. but I'm afraid
to .. because phonecalls are never quite what they
seem, huh?

fear is not the end of this!!!!

two pairs vs. a full house

[previously posted on xanga]

I see your spade, and raise you two hearts and a diamond:
I'd like to be the stitches in your wound .. and the doctor that inserts them .. and the nurse that soothes them ... and the time that heals the flesh ... and the salt that accidentally burns it ... and the scar that leaves it mark............. (and the pain that caused it in the first place) ... (and the story you tell of how it happened) ...
9:04pm EST 07/22/03
-----
got tat'd today!!  yayayayaya!  picts to ensue as soon as the bloooood can be wiped away (bandaged for 24hrs.. so .. not quite yet!)  .. oh, and I guess not 'til I can procure a digi-cam (since mine got stolen .. fckn fcknuts!) .. I love the way...... physical pain ... like that ... makes you unable to THINK -- my racing thoughts stop racing and my body thrills at the exquisite intrudence of sensory over-load!

if money is the physical personification of time .. and time doesn't exist ... how am I gunna find more money, and more time, to get more tats? hrm ... somehow, it'll happen!! mwahahahahha!

love is...

[previously posted on xanga]

love is aching and needing and wanting and pleading .. love is tearing down walls and building windows .. love is touching, but never really touching -- Einstein says so! .. love is wanting the best for, but knowing you never can do anything about it.. love is believing the lies and swallowing the pride .. love is smelling sin and breathing smoke... love is knowing you never have to say sorry, but that you always are... love is grief and redundancy .. love is agony and remorse .. love is living, day to day, where no one pays your thoughts any mind, because they are, after all, your thoughts and you haven't the words to coalesce  .. love is making a fool of yourself and REALLY making a fool of yourself .. love is never unconditional, unless you're me. 

wake.the.fck.up!

[previously posted on xanga]

I just can't seem to wake up ..... :/

Sunday night was .. excruciatingly painful to my cerebral cortex .. and I cant shake it from my tree... I should never have gone!  I had to come back to the apt 3 times before I could actually go -- for things I had forgotten... THAT should have been lesson enough that I was not destined to go out Sunday night .. but nooo .. I'm too stubborn to even listen to the signs the world speaks at me (shouts at me .. SCREAMS at me!) .....

What happend, exactly, Sunday night?  ghawd... nothing.  Nothing and everything wrapped into one simple conversation that made little sense and tugs deeply at my soul  (do I still have my soul?  did he steal it?  can he? no .. no .. ppl cant steal what is not rightfully mine to give in the first place .. but ... *search* *search*  I cant seem to feel it anymore?)

and yesterday?  I just could NOT wake up alll day yesterday .. I was sOOOoo tired!  I even had a nap in my mom's bed, and I have creepiness issues about my step-dad (not cuz he's a bad guy, but cuz like.. he's new, and, his flesh/skin/dead-skin/etc is not really a part of my head-space, so like, laying between sheets he's been in.. well .. it just seems like a weird concept!) and yet I was SOOO tired I just crashed (yes, a moments thought about whose bed I was sleeping in passed thru my consciousness, but was swept away as soon as my head hit the pillow -- out like a light switch, literally!)

and this morning?  its only (hrm, 10:23am EST) early and yet.. I still cant shake it!  my kitty has been trying to wake me up for HOURS and I've just been idly petting him, to shush his me-ows, and then crashing back into my sleep-zone .......... *sigh*

LAST night .. I ... hrm .. lucid dreamed?  Not like I've never done that before, but .. last night I was aware I was doing it .. well, not quite, only after I woke up was I aware .. but like.. it FELT creepy and I was trapped in my bedroom in the dark (someone told me you cant flip light switches in a lucid dream -- that turned out to be true for me .. but he also said something about digital displays being garbled, and my digital clock was quite prominent in my lucid dream, showing 12:47 on my horizon .. sooo .. I dunno exactly what that all says?)

ramblings ... *sigh*  I've tried to keep this blog somewhat artistic and not mundane like this entry has been .. but ....

Sunday the fight just feels like it went right out of me...........

and someone else's blog I read today disturbed me a little, too .. sooo

I dunno .. maybe xanga isnt really the place for me... I usually just update my li'l website and whomever chooses to read it, they do, but there's no ... PRESSURE to perform .... *shrug*

hi.. how are ya? I'm fine.....

(I heard, while I was in the psych-ward .. thats F.I.N.E stands for "fucked-up interior, normal exterior" ... quite fitting, donchya think?)

recipes for disaster

[previously posted on xanga]

recipes for disaster
too little, too late
too late to love
a little love is never too late...
07/19/03 11pmish EST
(alternate ending "its never too late to love a little")