a torn journal entry

I ask my higher self to talk to Phil's higher self to see where we're at an to request that Phil initiateve the conversation that I am having such a hard time getting us into.

The last couple weeks have been lovely.  I don't know if we can m ore into something lovingly supportive without the titles and definitions.

I perhaps am just short-sighted but I do not see nor feel a supportive future between us.

I know a relationship takes work, I just feel like I work too hard at this one with little to show for it.

I care about him so very much though... so, now what?

a torn journal entry

I feel like I can't even bring myself to write about my life.  Like somehow putting it to paper makes it more real -- too real.  I am lost with no way out.  I am stronger than I think & dumber than I give myself credit for.  Where am I trying to go from here?  I don't really have a clear picture of what I want.  How am I supposed to manifest my own destiny if I can't get past immediate gratification?

I want to lose weight. So why do I keep cheating on my best chance? Why am I not more angry at myself for cheating?

Do I want out of this relationship or can I stop duffering in it?

i don't know.

a torn journal entry

"feeling uninspired, guess I'll start a fire"

I've been trying lately. Really trying. I'm not sure at WHAT exactly, but I've certainly been trying.

Kyla comes back on Sunday.  I missed her SO much this time around.  I feel like I've been trying to distract myself from her not being here, more than trying to enjoy the break from care-taking for her. Note to self: DO LAUNDRY! :)

I want different furniture.
I want more tattoos.
I want to pay my mom back.
I want to rearrange my bedroom.
I want to do more crafty-art things.
I want to play board games w/ Kyla.
I want to go to the park more.
I want to walk more.
I want to take Kyla swimming more.
I want to eat less.

<3

Let it go.

I'm only so strong
I can hold on forever
but I can't figure out how to let go

I've been keeping the pieces
held together
with a hope and a prayer
for so long,
so long,
they're all fused there

but nothing is where it belongs.

I'm a mess and a wreck
and I'm running on fumes
I'm telling myself
I can do it -- at least, "I think I can. I think I can."

But if its all uphill
and there's no down but the end
how can I hold on
without any breath.

I'm drowning in the sea
of my own reflection
I'm drowning in the pit
of my own intention

I'm no one to me,
but I'm someone to her
and I can't make the images align

I'm alone and alive
I'm alive and alone

Why wont anyone hear
when I call in the night.

If I let it all go....

then what happens to me?


-- 3:35pm July 10, 2013

a torn journal entry

How do I tell him that I feel like I am the one who made the mistake by thinking he could be mature enough to handle the responsibility of a relationship like ours? My life is full of required routine and expectations. I have responsibilities that I simply cannot put off ... I feel that he doesn't meet me on a level playing field -- he is smart, just not lived-experience full (if that makes sense). I should have known better. It is my own failing - that I don't value myself enough to date someone my own age. I feel like I am not good enough. I need to be single until I stop feeling that way. But how do I explain that without hurting him? It isn't a lack of love - it is a lack of connection. We don't fit. But he will take it personally :(

1in4: Stress much?

The thing about having an organization that is run entirely on a Volunteer basis, is that when someone gets busy with unexpected things in the rest of their life, it is often (sadly so) easier for them to let the responsibility to that volunteer position wan… and in Domestic Violence healing, one can never really know when “something big” is going to come up and put you out of commission entirely.
The great thing about being an organization of survivors for survivors is that we get it. We’ve likely been there or we can envision what it would be like if our story had gone that way.  So when a fellow survivor says “I need some time off” or “I just can’t do that” it isn’t entirely unexpected, and we not only have the compassion but also the empathy to truly understand the reasoning behind the need to withdraw.

All that being what it is, 1 in Four has temporarily lost our Calendar liaison. So I have spent a very intense week of installing new software (something that was on the back-burner for a while, but seemed to make the most sense since we were starting afresh now) and scrambling to get all the information entered for the groups going on.

This post isn’t about the stress that our volunteer organization is having.  I wanted to write about some of the healthier ways I am handling that stress.  I came across a great article in my Doctor’s office the other day, and it encompassed a lot of what I would like to share, so I am going to quote pieces of it for you:

Neary’s article says: Mindfulness meditation is a technique for slowing down and examining one’s thought processes, and learning to be “in the moment.”

Neary goes on to quote John Kabat-Zinn who describes the “seven attitudinal qualities that underpin mindfulness practice”:

1. Non judging — being open to an awareness of the stream of thoughts we are having, and being aware of the way we tend to automatically judge and react to our thoughts. Kabat-Zinn calls this “a stance of impartial witness to your experience.”
2. Patience — an understanding that things emerge in their own time including your ability to practice mindfulness.
3. Beginner’s Mind –  a willingness to see everything as if for the first time, and avoiding the fog of preconceptions.
4. Trust — developing a faith in the validity of one’s own thoughts, feelings and intuition. Mindfulness practice offers a structure and a process for enabling one to witness personal experience without judgement.
5. Non-Striving — an attitude that allows the present to be the way it is. Non-striving is “having no goal other than for you to be yourself as you currently are.”
6. Acceptance — this is an openness and willingness to see things are they actually are in the present moment.
7. Letting Go — during meditation, we need to develop an ability to acknowledge arising and passing of experiences without become entangled in the content of it.

Neary says the key is that “the focus should be on your breath.  Breath in for the count of four and exhale to the count of eight. Your mind will wander to current issues in your life. Be aware of these thoughts without judging them, and then bring your focus back to your breath.”
The article goes on to talk about the other places and ways we can be mindful, like in the shower, when eating or when walking. To take time, slow down, focus on our breathing and our specific surroundings.

Mindfulness meditation helps me to bring mindfulness into my everyday life activities. With these methods, I find that I am able to take on a task one piece at a time, without being overwhelmed by the entirety of the project.  I can break it down into immediate steps and breath through them, crossing off each step as I go, so that I can visualize my progress.

Is there something you are having a hard time pinning down?  Perhaps taking a few moments to practice these mindful “attitudinal qualities” can help you get into a short meditation, and then you can journal about what came up for you.  Remember, if you are triggered by where your thoughts go, there are 24hr crisis lines you can call (the Hamilton ones are listed across the top of our page). Never feel like you are alone or like you can’t reach out for help.

Take a deep breath — and now it is time for me to get back to work!

Quotes from “Relax and recharge with Mindfulness Medication” by Dave Neary from the April 2013 Vol 1 Issue 3 of Health, Wellness & Safety Magazine

1in4: Change takes time...

I sat down to write a blog about change, and the idea that for any solid change to become rooted within us, it takes about 3 months…. and then I thought about how important it was to be accurate with the information I’m giving out to readers. The 3 month statistic came to me from an Anger Management therapist (a course I took when I first learned I was pregnant and knew that I had deep-seated anger issues, stemming from witnessing abuse between my mother and father when I was younger, something I did not want to pass on to my child).  I thought I’d just take a moment and find a link to back up that statement.  It turns out, no such link can be found!  The best I could do was this article, which does not support what I thought.

Apparently, for some a new change can be integrated as early as 18 days, and for others it could take up to a year. The average was 66 days! [from the article "To clarify: that’s March 6th for anyone attempting a New Year’s resolution."]

I wanted to talk about how much of an upset to our lives it is to escape from Domestic Violence. Whether we flee to a shelter, or a family member or friend’s house. Whether we have children to bring or not. Whether we are married and seeking divorce, or have property and possessions to divide. Whether we simply choose to walk away from everything we owned, in order to quicker facilitate the divide.  There are many factors, very personal and individual for each of us. But any way you experience it, we are making a change — a big change.

I know from my own experience that it is difficult to get that change to fit into my head! How do all the new routines look, from a different location, with different players involved — and most of all, how do I re-write that ever-present inner script. The one my abuser filled my head with. That I am worthless, incapable; that I cannot make it without him. The notion that if he isn’t there to support me, I will never be able to live a full life.  That all my ideas need to be second-guessed by him and that I should be grateful he is there to keep me in line, or I just might do something I’ll regret later.  How do I move on from these ideas, clear them from my head and make a change?

I have taken CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) classes, been to numerous group counseling sessions, one on one therapists, taken self-esteem building workshops and journaling workshops, gone to self-care information sessions, started walking more. I have broken dishes, cried in the shower, screamed into a pillow, stopped walking more, eaten junk food, yelled at myself for eating junk food. I have gotten massages and reiki and done yoga and meditation, taken long soapy baths, written in my journal, written in the sand, written in the snow. I have screamed into that pillow some more and cried in the shower some more.

If it took just 66 days for that change to take place, I didn’t notice it happening!  But what I did notice, I will share with you now — it gets easier.  I didn’t believe that from day one, or day two or day twenty. But it has been months and years now. And it does get easier. For all I’ve tried, the number one thing that I found worked best for me was finding real, warm, smiling faces of fellow survivors. People who I could share my story with and listen to theirs. People who understood exactly what I meant when I said “I’ve worked so hard to get where I am today.”

And this, this is the reason why I volunteer for 1 in Four. This is why I come in to work and write blogs and design the webpage and network with agencies.  This is why we are here:  to be a group of survivors for survivors.  I want to share with you the feeling of not being alone. The idea that even though we all have had a unique journey — some are still at the very beginning — we are joined together as a global sisterhood.  Drop an email, sign up for the Forum, even just leave a comment on the blog. Reach out and let your voice be heard.

I envision a world where one day all DV survivors are empowered to speak their stories, call them from the mountaintops, so that one day, one day, I wont have to fear about my daughter and other girls growing up in a world where DV is silenced, where survivors wear the shame of victimhood and abusers walk away untouched.  Change is possible. End the silence — say NO MORE! to violence.