Running Commentary Since Yesterday...

I'm such an intense person.. it has to be apparent to my daughter. I enjoy him here so much that she is of course going to pick up on my mood .....

Is it a good thing?

She likes him. The first thing she said to him on web-cam today, after a clipped "hi" was "I miss you!" ... !!! she's never said that of her own accord to any of my beaus! She even spoke to him on the phone last weekend (of course, she only said 'goodnight' but considering its difficult to get her to talk to her dad, or my mom or even me sometimes on the phone .. well!)

I'm scared!

This is so new .. so very very new .. and has all kinds of aspects to it that are entirely new to me -- they seem like they make sense on paper, but I've never had the opportunity to play them out in actuality.

Its strange -- I'm not really worried about where things are going for us .. but I'm worried about how it will all effect Kyla. She has such a hard time accepting me as a being other than her mommy. She is protective and loves me desperately. I worry about how she sees relationships and how her image of them will be warped by my own insecurities ... grrr!  Parenting.  The most important role of all existence -- one that is repeated ad infinitum ... and yet no one seems to get any really useful pointers -- every parent has screwed up since the inception of inception ......!
...

I've been in some shitty places over my life ... I've stayed with some shitty partners for all the wrong reasons ...... I've seen things I wouldn't want to relive ever again, and yet my nightmares refuse to give me the peace I so long for.  There are men who pray on you, they make you feel like you're lacking and only they have the answer.  My father was like this.  It is a lot to carry, to have to work through.  The layers of the abuse, of the damage, are so very difficult to sort out and peel away.  What he did to me, to all the closest people who I care about, is horrifying, but I've come to realize, he is most likely a sociopath.  So, I learn to push back and hold on... and keep pushing back and holding on... and to get help from people who really care about me. 

This blog is a new step in my self-therapy. I choose to be open. I choose to tell it like I see it and leave nothing to guess work.  There is that oft tossed around quote, about the definition of insanity being the repetition of an act while expecting a different result.  This time I know I want a different out-come, I want something that lasts. I want something worth holding on to. I want someone who sees all of me because _I_ see all of me.

I will work through my garbage because _I_ am worth it, not because he is the one I want.  I will work through my hurt and my pain and my self-loathing and my lack of self-worth and absence of self-esteem because _I_ want to be someone real, because _I_ want to be all of me.

If, in the process, I get to keep him, then I will rejoice in the synchronicity of life.... but it isn't about us, so much as it is about needing to finally be fully me.

...

my mind goes in odd spirals and circles and keeps jumping from place to place!

He is so good with her.. so good with her.... the first one, ever.  THAT scares me, too.  Whenever I have these sort of notions.

"fear is not the end of this"

floats across my mind, in the tune from the Live song.....

...

I told him I am terrified. He says he'd rather hear that I'm happy and euphoric. I am happy and euphoric -- this is why I am terrified!! I seek to control so much of my world on a daily basis and here is such an amazingly wonderful sensation that is entirely outside of my control. THIS TERRIFIES ME!

But I'll ignore it -- I'll ignore my fear, I'll ignore all the little booby-traps I've set for myself over the years that tell me to run because only pain can ensue from something that starts off feeling so very good................

I want to be here. I want to lose myself in his scent and find myself in his arms. I want to write volumes of poetry simply about the true shade of his iris. I want to write songs based solely on his kiss. I want to paint a multitude of canvases because he makes me explode when he explodes within me ..............

terrified? oh fuck yeah, I'm terrified .... and that is okay, because I'm happy and euphoric and not gunna let go ;)

"Cocked, Locked and ready to Rock"

Nov 5: This is when it all started...

Nov 19: ...and this is when I knew for sure.

How can I synthesize my life down to mere pixels. You can read my words, digitized by light across vast distances, without ever actually having comprehension of the subtle nuances present amidst the varied rhythms of my catastrophic life.

I hate when I feel so much more alive, just because there is a male-oriented focus in my life.  Formal education, career, projects, even child-rearing ... these things attract my focus, but never quite capture it.... and yet he has stolen me fully and completely.  [Please do not misunderstand me, my daughter is the largest part of my life and I thrive on helping her thrive...... but it is her life in a lot of ways, her school, her health, her activities, her joys, her new experiences ...... what I'm talking about here is my life ..... something that has very much been on the back burner -- right next to non-existent -- for the last six or more years.]

I want; I need; I crave; I breathe the very essence of his being into my pores and I expel nothing; savor it all. Together creates, while apart merely rushes headlong into destruction.

If only I could make sense to myself.  My inner disc is skipping every third note and I can't quite pick out the tune. I've heard something like this song before, yet it is unfamiliar, unique, untouched, unused, entirely uncontaminated by me -- it has a beat that quickens my pulse and envelopes my soul -- it is the way I feel when I am with him.

paper & pen journal excerpt: FR.11.19.2010

I feel safe, content, excited, tantalized.... like there are an endless possibility of opportunities at my fingertips.  Wildly protective and vehemently proud -- ownership that comes with the responsibility.  The nearest I can come to which describes the right feeling is the sense of 'home.' 

//both soft and rough at the same time;  caress and beat //

No matter how much I get, it will never be enough, never be sated, even inside his embrace.

hurt me, beat me, bleed me, scar me!!!

My life under a microscope....

Health: while this category should, without selfishness entering the picture, truly be held as the highest importance... it almost always comes as an after-thought in my world, if even thought of at all.  I am unhealthy in all aspects of my life. My body aches, mostly because of my weight, my eyes are suffering (somewhat due to my current medications, but not solely), my hearing apparently is still fine but seems less acute from my perspective and my mental health? oh don't even get me started on my mental health .... that'd require a book in and of itself, perhaps several volumes! Suffice it to say, my mind/heart/spirit are not very happy campers right now and are certainly considering jumping ship.

Family: ..always, always, always comes first in my life. Kyla is the focus of almost every action I take -- even to the detriment of my self-care.... my mother is my heart and my sister is my rock... without these two powerful women in my life, I could not carry on. Whenever I falter, I know that they will be here to lend me a hand up out of the pit, or a shoulder to cry on, or merely shine some light in an otherwise darkened existence.  I often feel as though my mother has been saddled with a 30y/o infant and my sister has gotten the bum-deal of sisterhood... but they both do a wonderful job of assuring me that I am not merely a mar on their lives, and instead a true joy to know and love. They are two of my best friends and I wouldn't know what to do without them .... my dad on the other hand? I don't even know where to begin with my "daddy issues".  This man is more intelligent than he even gives himself credit for (and believe me, he gives himself a LOT of credit!) but sometimes I think he fails to see the human-factor in a lot of things.  Also, he has ruined me for relationship with any other life-partner -- no matter how I try, I will always compare their intellect and conversation ability to him, but, more on that later.... I love my dad, I just had to realize we are friends first and family somewhere much, much further down the ladder. His advice always comes with a "told-you-so" clause and he often misses the question while focusing on what he wants you to have asked. But even with all that, he has been a huge part in scaffolding who I am today and I love him deeply.

Friends: I don't have many, but those I have are more important to me than I could ever find words for. I am often harsh and blunt and can be brutally honest without apparent concern for others emotions. This isn't exactly true -- I do care, I just feel like sometimes having one person who is able to tell you the pure truth (from my perspective of course!) is better than a dozen who are willing to soften the blow by rounding out the edges and answering what you want to hear, rather than what you need to here. I've been told I "don't pull any punches" and that I "shoot from the hips" .... I'm not sure if these are really the euphemisms I want to be related to, but I can think of worse ones, for sure.  I have been called obnoxious by more than a few people and I guess I can see where they come from .... I'm merely not willing to bend who I am to the will of the norm... I am me, no more, no less and if you can't handle it, then believe me, there are LOTS of other people out there to choose from .. but if you CAN? You will have found the ultimate in worthy friendships. I will be there whenever you need me -- granted, I will feel perfectly comfortable to ask for your help when I need it, too... just know that I wont feel affronted if you say no.. no is always an option, obligation is pointless.... I love my friends like family, and family always comes first ... plus, you can't exactly FIRE family ;)

Housing: Adequate. More than that, I'm not sure what to say. I am in cramped quarters. It is a one-bedroom apartment that my daughter and I share. We both have too much stuff for this place. There is _one_ closet. We share a bedroom, which will likely not be such a great idea in a couple years when Kyla is no longer six years old..... Why did I take this place? It met most of my requirements. It is on the main floor of a house, rather than in an apartment building. It has a yard. It is walking distance to Kyla's school (practically across the street). The rent is affordable and inclusive of heat, hydro, cable and wireless internet. The kitchen is excellent. AND the landlady lives upstairs (i.e. accessible for repairs/complaints) with her three kids, one of whom is 16 (potential babysitter?) and another is 6 (built-in playmate!) ... the worst things about living here, aside from the space issue... is that there is only street parking, which wouldn't be so terrible, if we weren't so damn close to Ivor Wynne Stadium, making game nights a sheer impossibility for parking! Am I happy here? Well, I am happy enough. I had considered staying put until Kyla is done eighth grade and moves on to a new school, but I think I'm going to have to look at the reality that by the time she is around 10, we are likely going to be living on top of each other and moving to a bigger place will have to be a serious consideration. But knowing that, means I can keep my eye open in three years or so for a larger place in the same neighbourhood, so she can keep the same friends and stay at the same school.

Employment: None. I am currently a recipient of Ontario Disability Support Program (ODSP). I have a diagnosis of Psychosis NOS, which does not help me very much. My doctor says it is more in line with schizoaffective disorder except all the testing says I am "too high-functioning" to suffer from something as simple to define as that diagnosis. I am currently suffering MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and I also exhibit symptoms of schizotypal personality disorder which is less enthusiastic of a diagnosis for me, since it brings to light what he likes to call my "magical thinking". I do not have magical thinking, simply because I believe in the real existence of telepathy and energy transfer and spiritual beings. I just took this online test and it has this to say about me --

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

*shrug* if you know me, you decide .. if you don't? please don't let this stop you from wanting to know me!!! :)  (how does this fit in under Employment? umn .. I dunno ... ?)

Leisure: gimme a sec while I look up the definition of this word ... I'll get back to you!

Relationship: none/single/wanting/lacking....

Sex: too damn much.

The roles I play
Mother: I'm doing the best I can... and that's about all I can do. I feel very unprepared for all aspects of single parenthood. Some days I think I've done a decent job, other days I think I've screwed my kid up for life. Mostly, I'm tired. I'd say I'm trying, but really, when it comes down to how important and significant this role is, trying is not enough. Some days I lament the way society does NOT honour this role and other days I kick myself in the arse because outward blame will get me nowhere fast.
Friend: I don't think I am a very good friend. I'm not sure I've ever really had any good friends to show me how its done. I will always be there and I will always put myself out for a friend, but I just don't think I know how this role works. My sister and my mother both have life-long, lasting friendships with numerous people. I only recently have met people that I'd like to know for the rest of my life, and yet, many of those relationships faded away when I moved out of Orangeville, and attempts to rekindle them have failed thus far. I want to be a better friend, but don't really know how.
Daughter: I am fairly certain my mom got a whole heck of a lot more than she bargained for with me. I love her to pieces and I am glad for our friendship above and beyond the relationship of mother/daughter. I often worry that I take advantage of her without even noticing...
Sister: I really think my sister got a crap-shot of a deal out of this one. She is truly my hero and I don't know what I would do without her in my life. Some days I feel so completely overwhelmed and with a few words across a phone-line, my sister is able to bring the insanity down into perspective, and I can move on again. I'm not sure what she gets out of this relationship, other than being able to be a really cool aunt to my daughter.... but I couldn't/wouldn't trade her for all the worlds.
Fiend:my oh my, where do I even begin with this one. I think I'll wait. I don't know what to say in a rational form about this right now.
Cat Owner: my poor poor kitty! I feel such guilt that I love him SO much and yet am often very lack on his hygienic needs/requirements. I'm fairly good about feeding him, and petting/cuddling him. But he also needs more play-time and I'm usually too busy or tired to bother. He loves to play fetch and we used to do it every night before bed... but lately I just can't seem to work up the interest... poor li'l guy.
 
My finances: none. Wait, that's not true. My finances are in the negative. I own a car I cannot afford to insure and I have a maxed-out VISA card I cannot afford to pay off. Apparently the world knows just how stupid I am, and hence gave me credit... great.

My dreams: none.

My goals: to complete a degree of SOME sort in school ... eventually?

My emotions: tumultuous.

How I see my current situation: hopeless. My greatest fear is that I'll live and that I'll live a long, long time. I want out. I want out of it all and none of it is ever going to let up. I am always going to be fat. I am always going to be poor. I am always going to be alone. I am always going to fight with my kid. I am always going to be unable to sleep. I am always going to have people only at arms-reach in my world. Do I see all things as black and white, no.. but I do certainly see all things in my world as unending and like black, swirling water that will soon swallow me whole.

How I think others see my current situation: Like somehow I am so very resilient and intelligent and capable... and I'll bounce back soon enough. This is just a small blip on the path, I've been through worse, I've come out the other side... I can do it again, if they just keep on cheering me on! Go team Cass go! .......

and now.. this entry is longer than it needs to be.... and I am going to bed. I will fill in the ones I skipped later-ish. Goodbye and have a good night!

Kyla moments!

I keep meaning to write these down, so I thought I'd take a second and pop them on here:

1) We were out for dinner with my mom and sister last night, and they now bring the debit machine right to your table. So there my mom is, punching in tip and such, and Kyla slips out of her chair to watch over my mom's shoulder. After a moment, Kyla pipes up "Are you going to win?" (as though a video game is being played!) :) it was very very adorable!

2) We do not have television in our house. Not that we don't have a physical TV, but anything that goes on it is either downloaded from the internet or store-bought. Kyla has been VERY into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and I found the first three seasons from the 1980's airing for her to watch (nearly 80 episodes). We do have rabbit-ears on her little television, and she often gets PBS in the morning before school. This morning I woke up with a headache and so I got Kyla breakfast and turned the tv on for her -- but it was on a different station. Eventually, the more recent version of TMNT came on, but about half-way through, Kyla came into my room and asked if she could please watch her other TMNT, because she was didn't want to "watch a little bit of the show, and then watch bunch of pieces about other shows that are going to be on, before watching more of this show!" .. it took me a minute to understand that she meant, she didn't like commercials!! :)

I love her every day, but some moments are just ... more!

Bus Trip musings...

(this is a second attempt. The previous PERFECT note disappeared. Thanks facebook!)

So...

I'm taking Kyla on a bus trip.

We're headed down to Kansas to visit my dad and then across to BC to see my sister. The trip is a whole day on a Greyhound bus from here down to KS, where we'll visit with my dad for a couple days... and then it is two days on a bus over to BC. We'll stay nearly a week there and then the three day long-haul trip home.

I know it may seem a little bit crazy to suggest I can pull this kind of thing off with a 4 year old in tow, but.... I think I can pull it off!!

I've read all kinds of online tips and tricks for long-distance traveling with a child... and I've put together a fairly competent tool-kit of entertainment. The best part is -- I wont be driving! So I'll be able to interact with Kyla and we can keep each other occupied.

I'm writing this note to share our plans and to seek out any wisdom or advice that you may have! (Other than "Dear ghawd woman! What are you thinking?! Have you lost your mind?! Don't do it!")

So if you've done any extended traveling with young minds and have words to share about what worked (or what didn't!) please PLEASE feel free to comment here!

The truth is, I haven't seen my dad since my daughter was 4 months old and I miss him greatly. My sister has been in BC since April and wont be back until next spring -- so the idea of not seeing her for nearly a year is terrible! The reason for going by bus is simply to attempt to cut costs... but truly, I think it can be an adventure and a great experience for both Kyla and myself!

We depart on August 14th and aren't back until August 31st. I hope everyone is having a great summer and I plan on seeing many of you in the fall!

I keep telling myself "What is life without its challenges?!" But fear I may have bitten off more than I can chew this time! So please leave some advice or even just words of encouragement! I'm feeling a little anxious about the whole experience (and there is no need to make mention of anything that has been in the news recently!) ...

A very happy August to everyone! :)

reconnecting ...

I've spent more time away from my daughter in the past six months than I think I have her entire life.... I keep feeling like I'm missing out!

tonight, after not seeing her for a couple weeks, I read her some books before bed and then she curled up on my lap, with her head on my shoulder, and she fell asleep while I rubbed her back and sang her a song....

she's four years old... and hasn't fallen asleep in my arms in at least a year......

its funny how you don't realize what you're missing, until you are reminded of how great it felt.....

Robert Munsch's 'I'll love you forever' comes to mind..... I can totally understand the feeling of wanting to sneak in to your grown child's bedroom and rock them to sleep, just for the comfort of that moment....

she's growing up ............

While driving and listening to music today, I had Fleetwood Mac's 'Go your own way' on an album ... and I know the song isn't about this (especially w/ a line like "shacking up is all you wanna do"!!) .. but it made me think about being a mom .. and how, if I could, I'd give my daughter the world, but one day, she'll be going her own way, doing her own thing, discovering her own world ........ and..... I want her to, but I want to hold her hand, but I cant, but ........

words and emotions suck :)

anyhow, sleep is my lover now ..... g'nite folks! :)

HELP! I need creative people with common sense!

Okay ... so here's the situation .. my landlords are new, they bought the building in December 2007 and as soon as they bought it they started renovating the other half of the building -- to eventually open it as a convenience store. They are doing most of the work themselves, with friends, after/before hours and on weekends. I cant exactly fault them for this, but it has been going on for nearly FOUR MONTHS now .. waking up on a Sunday morning at 7am to some construction guy shouting "Holy fucking shit!" is not pleasant... the fact that there was no insulation between the two units, so I could hear every nail being driven in and every turn of the sander... and that now that they have insulation, I can still hear voices loud enough to make out 80% of the words.... the owner himself is a smoker (and I am not) and he continually smokes on the job and my entire apartment fills up with smoke -- nothing like coming home after a LONG day and dropping onto my bed, only to have my pillow reek of cigarette smoke and totally repulse me. I've gone through boxes of anti-histamines trying to counter-balance the ick .. and my headaches almost never go away. My four year old daughter is just as irritated by this all. I have been very polite in my requests about them not smoking inside and they still do it -- or they stand at the front door with the door open so that the wind blows the smoke right back into my place. Often they are even pounding away until 10 or 11 at night. A couple times they've had a buzz-saw outside in front of my daughter's bedroom window going until 10:30pm. I know construction happens, even in residential settings.. but this has been going on and on and on and on -- someone needs to call Holmes on Homes or some shit!!! Its just a single room convenience store, about the size of two living rooms -- and it WAS a convenience store before, they're just remodeling .. WTF can possibly take so long?!

I've just given my two months notice, and now they're doing all of it TWICE as bad......

So! The purpose of this email is to seek imaginative solutions to my desire for retribution. My quality of life has been shot to shit for four months and my landlords could care less. Does any one have any lists/tips on legal ways to trash your apartment before you leave? .. like.. whats that man-made form of skunk odor that they used on Myth Busters ... if I dump that under the kitchen sink and the bathroom sink .. can anyone actually prove it?? That's all I can come up with off the top of my head... but I invite anyone/everyone to dream up their worst -- and then to come up with something practical :)

My landlords have been pissing me off for tooooo long.. they deserve whatever is coming to them ... but I don't wanna get charged or have to pay for any damages, so keep that in mind!!! :)

The Justice League...

Okay .. so this is a call to all boys and to all mothers of boys!!

My daughter will be 4 in April, but she's really three-going-on-twelve! Anyhow... we stopped in a Blockbusters last night to pick up a movie and I walked her over to the kids section of the movies to buy ... and thought she'd get a Barbie Fairytopia or Dora or Strawberry Shortcake or Toopy and Binoo or something she normally is into .. but nooooo! She chose The Justice League and was very adament that this is what she wanted, saying "Myles likes Batman, I want to watch this." Myles is a name we hear quite often around our house -- he is a little boy in her daycare class who has caught her eye since the first week of school ....

So .. we bought it .. and she LOVES it .. she's already seen it three and a half times since yesterday! :) (we went on a long car-ride and she watched it on the way there and one and a half times on the way back, before falling asleep)

I have never been interested in super-heroes! .. They seem kinda lame to me ... Superman .. Batman .. The Green Lantern .. Wonder Woman .. Hawk Girl .. The Flash .. and .. who else is in this weird movie.. umn .. umnn .. Jean sumfinerother ......

Ever since I was young, I was always into real heroes -- like those who helped the physically and mentally marginalized among us ... or heck, my dad :)

I dont even know that my daughter's father is into this kinda stuff -- I cant remember him ever being so!

Sooooo! I'm asking for someone, anyone, or several someones .. to PLEASE comment here .. and give me some kinda quick synopsis of who the hell The Justice League are .. and some cool facts about them .. My daughter invariably has a million questions and she doesn't accept the fact that mommy doesn't know .. and really? truthfully?? I'd prolly fall asleep if I started trying to read the wiki on any of these guys ......

Heck, I'm having a hard enough time explaining to her "no no, sweety, Batman doesn't fly .. in fact, he doesn't really have any super powers.. he's just a really in shape man with a lot of cool tools ......." .. of course, she says "no mommy, I saw him fly!" .. and I respond "well it might look like he is, but he's got this bat-tool that shoots a rope up at something higher than him (cuz there's always something higher than him!!) and it pulls him along..... he can jump really far .. and his cape helps him glide ... but he cant really fly ... remember how he flies the bat-plane, when everyone else is flying???" .... but she wont believe me :)

Any help is greatly appreciated!!!

I refuse to force my daughter into a sex-apporopriate gender role .. she can like all the superheroes she wants ... :)

its official -- I AM SUPERMOM!

To set the scene: it is pouring rain, so much that the drops hitting the roof of my car are near deafening from inside.. my daughter has fallen asleep -- how she could with the noise, I'm not sure, but it was only slight rain and took a gradual course to the massive volume it is now, during our drive home, conveniently only reaching its full strength as I pull into my parking spot!

I sit for a moment, gather things up that need to come into the house, consolidating what can be, and then sit again, listening to the down-pour and wondering if it will let up any time soon. It seems to dim down the intensity for a moment, but then picks up again. The thoughts race through my head -- I _do_ have a large umbrella .. in the "boot" of the car, I am in the front (its a Ford Explorer, I have access to the "boot") .. can I manage two bags, an umbrella and a sleeping child -- not only TO the door, but also through locked doors requiring key-turn access and up three flights of stairs...... Sure, why not! :)

I climb up the back of my seat and brace myself across the front and back seats (I'm 5'10" .. I have a pretty long figure and reach!) and search the rear section for the well-hidden, deeply ensnared umbrella, extricate it from the confines and huff and puff my way back to my seat -- if she could sleep through the noise the rain was making, the small grunts and slight shaking of the car certainly didn't faze my sleeping child.

I again ponder the actuality of this next maneuver, as well as the sanity of it, but the rain just doesn't seem like its going anywhere, and when it sounds to taper off a bit, I open my door, instantly wet from the top down, and open the umbrella. I gather my belongings, ensuring my keys are easily accessible through an open pocket on my left and go to head around the car... the rear way walk around is flooded with puddles, so I turn and go around the front.

Now for the tricky part! Thank goodness the rain is coming mostly straight down, without much of a wind and I am able to open my daughter's passenger-side rear door to balance the umbrella between the door and the roof, anchored against my shoulder. I also shoulder the bags and gingerly extract my sleeping child from her car-seat, breathing words of reassurance to her that it is alllll okay. She makes it to my free shoulder and snuggles in.

I lock the door, grasp the umbrella and head up the pathway towards that apartment entry-way. Half-way there, of course, one of her rubber boots falls from her slumber-slack foot. Now what? Well, now there's only one option. I get a better hold on her sleeping form, cradle the umbrella with my other arm, pinning my elbow against my side so the bags wont fall from my shoulder, and drop to one suddenly very wet knee on the pavement. I scoop up the lost boot and remove the other one so as not to have to repeat the process a second time, lift us all back up to my feet and head, again, towards the front door.

We make it and I feel a moment of panic (but only a moment, folks! The words "Don't Panic" are engraved deeply on my soul!) as I wonder how exactly I'm going to take this very large umbrella through the front door with me, without any free hands? (I am now, of course, carrying a sleeping child over my right shoulder, supporting her with my right hand, two uselessly zippered-closed bags over my left shoulder, carrying rubber boots and an umbrella in my left hand.) I use the fingers of my left hand to open the door and attempt a short-lived moment of brute force entry, but not wanting to cause any actual damage to the umbrella, I give this up and instead let go of the handle, walking my body through the doorway and am amazed that the umbrella is sturdy enough to hold the heavy door open as it is caught in the entrance, and relieved, as well, that it doesn't fall back towards the outside of the building or blow away.

I walk into the space between the two front doors (as an aside, I've always thought of this space akin to Purgatory .. feel free to ask me about this at a later date if you like!) and set the bags and boots on a conveniently placed newspaper stand, and turn to deal with the act of re-angling the umbrella through the doorway to bring it in with me, and then close the device, all with one hand, then remove my keys from the previously planned out easy-access pocket, open the inner door, re-pocket the keys, re-assume my load and pass through with my still-sleeping daughter. Phewf!

I climb the three flights of stairs, dump my load outside my apartment door (my belongings! not my daughter! c'mon guys!!) I access the keys again, letting myself into my sanctuary, leave the door slightly ajar and the articles on the floor as I carry my daughter inside, discarding my wet shoes at the entrance, and lovingly place her into her bed, removing her still-dry coat and soothing her under a blanket.

I head back to gather my things, remove my slightly-wet coat and close and lock the front door.

I cannot tell you how incredibly empowering it feels, as a single mother, with so many awkward moments of living in an apartment (oooh, for example, say.. how does one carry multiple bags of groceries and a sleeping child through the same routine?? -- answer: one doesn't!) to be able to achieve this seemingly simple task of bringing my daughter in, still sleeping, through the pouring rain.

Sorry for the long-winded entry. *blush* I guess I'm just in a writing mood!

Spring has arrived! Please bring me some flowers mistah mistah rainclouds!