Be your own one? :)

Something I think I do very well with my life -- just being me, without searching... (though occasionally I search!) but enjoyed the read enough to want to share: 

Read This If You’re Worried That You’ll Never Find ‘The One’

Heidi Priebe

alessiolr

Imagine something crazy for me, quickly.

What if you peered into a fortune ball right now – this very second, today – and saw with indisputable clarity that you were never going to meet the love of your life?

That’s a sad thing that I’m asking you to think of, I’m aware. You’ve been hoping to meet “The One” for a while now – or at least someone half-decent who you can deal with for the rest of your life. I know, I know. You’re not fanciful like everyone else. You don’t believe in soul mates. But you were expecting to meet someone you liked a fair amount. Someone to curl up next to at the end of a long day, who would take care of you when you got sick and listen to your stories every evening after work. We all hope that. We’re human.

But imagine for a second that you knew – with 100% certainty – that you were never going to meet that person. What about your life would that knowledge change?

Because here’s the thing about finding love – it affects us constantly. And we all loathe admitting it. But love is on the forefront of our actions even when it’s not on the forefront of our minds. It’s the reason you bought those new jeans last week. It’s the reason you went to that barbeque that you didn’t want to go to last weekend. It’s the reason you sometimes feel cripplingly insecure and inadequate and scared about everything that’s coming next. Love’s what inspires most of your greatest changes.
So if you knew, with indisputable certainty, that love was never going to be yours, how would you live your life differently? What about your daily routine would you alter? What about your long-term plans?

Your first inclination may be to say “Nothing.” After all, you’re a smart person. You have plans that don’t involve someone else’s influence. We all do. But ponder it a few moments more. Because here’s what we don’t want to admit about love: it is a crutch that we use all the time. The idea that someday somebody will love all our flaws is a subtle excuse not to work on them. The principle of two halves making a whole restrains us from becoming our own better half. We want someone to swoop in during our darkest hour and save us, but what if we knew they never would? We’d have to start doing everything differently.

If you knew that love would never be an option for you, what would be? How would you structure the rest of your life? Would it have a heavier focus on career, a stronger inclination toward success? Or would you use the time to invest in yourself – go on a few more vacations, travel further outside your comfort zone? If you knew that you would never again feel the rush of budding romance, where would you turn to for your thrills? How would you get your blood pumping?

And what about your other relationships – would they suddenly take on more weight? Would you spend more time appreciating your family, if you knew that they are the people who will have loved you the most strongly at the end of your life? What about your friendships? Would you nurture and care more for the people who love you platonically if you knew that nobody would ever love you romantically? Would you show up a little more often, share a little more of your life?

My inclination is to believe that never finding love would be a game-changer for most of us. One we’d initially consider to be devastating but may eventually realize is the ultimate liberation. Without the fear of ending up alone, the opportunities open to you would become endless. You could live on every continent. You could scale the corporate ladder. You could go back to school and get that degree you’ve always felt interested in, without worrying about the financial burden your debt may place on somebody else. Love holds us back in an infinite amount of subtle ways that perhaps we do not even realize. And the guarantee of its absence may just be the ultimate sense of liberation.
Because if we didn’t have to search for the love of our lives, we would finally be free to realize that we are allowed to be the loves of our own. That we can spend our lives developing ourselves, challenging ourselves, pampering ourselves and building ourselves up to be bigger, more capable people than we ever once hoped to become. We could become everything we’ve been searching for. We could construct our soul mates in ourselves.

If there’s one thing we all need to stop doing, it’s waiting around for someone else to show up and change our lives. Just be the person you’ve been waiting for. Live your life as if you are the love of it. Because that’s the only thing you know for sure – that through every triumph, every failure, every fear and every gain that you will ever experience until the day you die, you are going to be present. You are going to be the person who shows up to accept your rewards. You are going to be the person who holds your own hand when you’re broken. You are going to be the person who gets yourself up off the floor every time you get knocked down and if those things are not love-of-your-life qualities, I don’t know what are.

We have to start appreciating all that we bring to our own lives. Because the ironic truth is, you are most attractive when you’re not worried about who you’re attracting. When you’re living your life confidently, freely and without restraint, you emit the kind of energy that it just isn’t possible to fake. The kind of energy that’s capable of transforming not just your own life, but the lives of people around you.

So stop looking for The One to spend the rest of your life with. Be The One.

And let everybody else come searching for you.

Recipe du jour...

I am currently participating in a 10 week trust group called "All Roses Have Thorns -- Exploring the Truth About Trust"... The activity we did last night looked at the elements I would require for a relationship to move forwards with... I thought I'd share some of those here, in no particular order:

- transparency
- safety
- comfort
- vulnerability
- reliability
- communication
- consistency
- honesty
- patience
- laughter
- positive energy
- clarity/understanding
- healthy boundaries

... and, of course, this would lead to the building of trust!

Are there any that stick out for you?

I've had trust broken in so many ways over my life. I think I often hide behind the cleverest of walls -- a glass one.

Growing up in an abusive household, I learned at an early age how important it was to keep myself safe, to protect my hopes and dreams from being trampled upon (sometimes quite literally)... but I am also a very enigmatic, charismatic, bubbly sort of person -- I LIKE to connect with people.... and the best way I could put up a wall to protect myself and still appear as though I was letting people in (even though I never truly was!) was to build a _glass_ wall (different from a window) so that I was safe on my side, but I could show everyone what they needed/wanted to see of me in order to form a bond, or make the connection. Only, at some point, without my realizing it, I became much like a caged animal in a zoo. On display, but never truly connecting with those on the other side ... never truly trusting enough to let anyone through -- but convincing myself that I was doing enough of my part by baring all....

I am slowly learning to disassemble that wall... carefully .. pane by pane ... and one day I hope I'll find people who value and respect me enough to allow me to be vulnerable and take baby steps towards learning what it means to trust.

For now.... I am still hesitant, but hopeful.

"Cocked, Locked and ready to Rock"

Nov 5: This is when it all started...

Nov 19: ...and this is when I knew for sure.

How can I synthesize my life down to mere pixels. You can read my words, digitized by light across vast distances, without ever actually having comprehension of the subtle nuances present amidst the varied rhythms of my catastrophic life.

I hate when I feel so much more alive, just because there is a male-oriented focus in my life.  Formal education, career, projects, even child-rearing ... these things attract my focus, but never quite capture it.... and yet he has stolen me fully and completely.  [Please do not misunderstand me, my daughter is the largest part of my life and I thrive on helping her thrive...... but it is her life in a lot of ways, her school, her health, her activities, her joys, her new experiences ...... what I'm talking about here is my life ..... something that has very much been on the back burner -- right next to non-existent -- for the last six or more years.]

I want; I need; I crave; I breathe the very essence of his being into my pores and I expel nothing; savor it all. Together creates, while apart merely rushes headlong into destruction.

If only I could make sense to myself.  My inner disc is skipping every third note and I can't quite pick out the tune. I've heard something like this song before, yet it is unfamiliar, unique, untouched, unused, entirely uncontaminated by me -- it has a beat that quickens my pulse and envelopes my soul -- it is the way I feel when I am with him.

paper & pen journal excerpt: FR.11.19.2010

I feel safe, content, excited, tantalized.... like there are an endless possibility of opportunities at my fingertips.  Wildly protective and vehemently proud -- ownership that comes with the responsibility.  The nearest I can come to which describes the right feeling is the sense of 'home.' 

//both soft and rough at the same time;  caress and beat //

No matter how much I get, it will never be enough, never be sated, even inside his embrace.

hurt me, beat me, bleed me, scar me!!!

My life under a microscope....

Health: while this category should, without selfishness entering the picture, truly be held as the highest importance... it almost always comes as an after-thought in my world, if even thought of at all.  I am unhealthy in all aspects of my life. My body aches, mostly because of my weight, my eyes are suffering (somewhat due to my current medications, but not solely), my hearing apparently is still fine but seems less acute from my perspective and my mental health? oh don't even get me started on my mental health .... that'd require a book in and of itself, perhaps several volumes! Suffice it to say, my mind/heart/spirit are not very happy campers right now and are certainly considering jumping ship.

Family: ..always, always, always comes first in my life. Kyla is the focus of almost every action I take -- even to the detriment of my self-care.... my mother is my heart and my sister is my rock... without these two powerful women in my life, I could not carry on. Whenever I falter, I know that they will be here to lend me a hand up out of the pit, or a shoulder to cry on, or merely shine some light in an otherwise darkened existence.  I often feel as though my mother has been saddled with a 30y/o infant and my sister has gotten the bum-deal of sisterhood... but they both do a wonderful job of assuring me that I am not merely a mar on their lives, and instead a true joy to know and love. They are two of my best friends and I wouldn't know what to do without them .... my dad on the other hand? I don't even know where to begin with my "daddy issues".  This man is more intelligent than he even gives himself credit for (and believe me, he gives himself a LOT of credit!) but sometimes I think he fails to see the human-factor in a lot of things.  Also, he has ruined me for relationship with any other life-partner -- no matter how I try, I will always compare their intellect and conversation ability to him, but, more on that later.... I love my dad, I just had to realize we are friends first and family somewhere much, much further down the ladder. His advice always comes with a "told-you-so" clause and he often misses the question while focusing on what he wants you to have asked. But even with all that, he has been a huge part in scaffolding who I am today and I love him deeply.

Friends: I don't have many, but those I have are more important to me than I could ever find words for. I am often harsh and blunt and can be brutally honest without apparent concern for others emotions. This isn't exactly true -- I do care, I just feel like sometimes having one person who is able to tell you the pure truth (from my perspective of course!) is better than a dozen who are willing to soften the blow by rounding out the edges and answering what you want to hear, rather than what you need to here. I've been told I "don't pull any punches" and that I "shoot from the hips" .... I'm not sure if these are really the euphemisms I want to be related to, but I can think of worse ones, for sure.  I have been called obnoxious by more than a few people and I guess I can see where they come from .... I'm merely not willing to bend who I am to the will of the norm... I am me, no more, no less and if you can't handle it, then believe me, there are LOTS of other people out there to choose from .. but if you CAN? You will have found the ultimate in worthy friendships. I will be there whenever you need me -- granted, I will feel perfectly comfortable to ask for your help when I need it, too... just know that I wont feel affronted if you say no.. no is always an option, obligation is pointless.... I love my friends like family, and family always comes first ... plus, you can't exactly FIRE family ;)

Housing: Adequate. More than that, I'm not sure what to say. I am in cramped quarters. It is a one-bedroom apartment that my daughter and I share. We both have too much stuff for this place. There is _one_ closet. We share a bedroom, which will likely not be such a great idea in a couple years when Kyla is no longer six years old..... Why did I take this place? It met most of my requirements. It is on the main floor of a house, rather than in an apartment building. It has a yard. It is walking distance to Kyla's school (practically across the street). The rent is affordable and inclusive of heat, hydro, cable and wireless internet. The kitchen is excellent. AND the landlady lives upstairs (i.e. accessible for repairs/complaints) with her three kids, one of whom is 16 (potential babysitter?) and another is 6 (built-in playmate!) ... the worst things about living here, aside from the space issue... is that there is only street parking, which wouldn't be so terrible, if we weren't so damn close to Ivor Wynne Stadium, making game nights a sheer impossibility for parking! Am I happy here? Well, I am happy enough. I had considered staying put until Kyla is done eighth grade and moves on to a new school, but I think I'm going to have to look at the reality that by the time she is around 10, we are likely going to be living on top of each other and moving to a bigger place will have to be a serious consideration. But knowing that, means I can keep my eye open in three years or so for a larger place in the same neighbourhood, so she can keep the same friends and stay at the same school.

Employment: None. I am currently a recipient of Ontario Disability Support Program (ODSP). I have a diagnosis of Psychosis NOS, which does not help me very much. My doctor says it is more in line with schizoaffective disorder except all the testing says I am "too high-functioning" to suffer from something as simple to define as that diagnosis. I am currently suffering MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and I also exhibit symptoms of schizotypal personality disorder which is less enthusiastic of a diagnosis for me, since it brings to light what he likes to call my "magical thinking". I do not have magical thinking, simply because I believe in the real existence of telepathy and energy transfer and spiritual beings. I just took this online test and it has this to say about me --

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

*shrug* if you know me, you decide .. if you don't? please don't let this stop you from wanting to know me!!! :)  (how does this fit in under Employment? umn .. I dunno ... ?)

Leisure: gimme a sec while I look up the definition of this word ... I'll get back to you!

Relationship: none/single/wanting/lacking....

Sex: too damn much.

The roles I play
Mother: I'm doing the best I can... and that's about all I can do. I feel very unprepared for all aspects of single parenthood. Some days I think I've done a decent job, other days I think I've screwed my kid up for life. Mostly, I'm tired. I'd say I'm trying, but really, when it comes down to how important and significant this role is, trying is not enough. Some days I lament the way society does NOT honour this role and other days I kick myself in the arse because outward blame will get me nowhere fast.
Friend: I don't think I am a very good friend. I'm not sure I've ever really had any good friends to show me how its done. I will always be there and I will always put myself out for a friend, but I just don't think I know how this role works. My sister and my mother both have life-long, lasting friendships with numerous people. I only recently have met people that I'd like to know for the rest of my life, and yet, many of those relationships faded away when I moved out of Orangeville, and attempts to rekindle them have failed thus far. I want to be a better friend, but don't really know how.
Daughter: I am fairly certain my mom got a whole heck of a lot more than she bargained for with me. I love her to pieces and I am glad for our friendship above and beyond the relationship of mother/daughter. I often worry that I take advantage of her without even noticing...
Sister: I really think my sister got a crap-shot of a deal out of this one. She is truly my hero and I don't know what I would do without her in my life. Some days I feel so completely overwhelmed and with a few words across a phone-line, my sister is able to bring the insanity down into perspective, and I can move on again. I'm not sure what she gets out of this relationship, other than being able to be a really cool aunt to my daughter.... but I couldn't/wouldn't trade her for all the worlds.
Fiend:my oh my, where do I even begin with this one. I think I'll wait. I don't know what to say in a rational form about this right now.
Cat Owner: my poor poor kitty! I feel such guilt that I love him SO much and yet am often very lack on his hygienic needs/requirements. I'm fairly good about feeding him, and petting/cuddling him. But he also needs more play-time and I'm usually too busy or tired to bother. He loves to play fetch and we used to do it every night before bed... but lately I just can't seem to work up the interest... poor li'l guy.
 
My finances: none. Wait, that's not true. My finances are in the negative. I own a car I cannot afford to insure and I have a maxed-out VISA card I cannot afford to pay off. Apparently the world knows just how stupid I am, and hence gave me credit... great.

My dreams: none.

My goals: to complete a degree of SOME sort in school ... eventually?

My emotions: tumultuous.

How I see my current situation: hopeless. My greatest fear is that I'll live and that I'll live a long, long time. I want out. I want out of it all and none of it is ever going to let up. I am always going to be fat. I am always going to be poor. I am always going to be alone. I am always going to fight with my kid. I am always going to be unable to sleep. I am always going to have people only at arms-reach in my world. Do I see all things as black and white, no.. but I do certainly see all things in my world as unending and like black, swirling water that will soon swallow me whole.

How I think others see my current situation: Like somehow I am so very resilient and intelligent and capable... and I'll bounce back soon enough. This is just a small blip on the path, I've been through worse, I've come out the other side... I can do it again, if they just keep on cheering me on! Go team Cass go! .......

and now.. this entry is longer than it needs to be.... and I am going to bed. I will fill in the ones I skipped later-ish. Goodbye and have a good night!