Recipe du jour...

I am currently participating in a 10 week trust group called "All Roses Have Thorns -- Exploring the Truth About Trust"... The activity we did last night looked at the elements I would require for a relationship to move forwards with... I thought I'd share some of those here, in no particular order:

- transparency
- safety
- comfort
- vulnerability
- reliability
- communication
- consistency
- honesty
- patience
- laughter
- positive energy
- clarity/understanding
- healthy boundaries

... and, of course, this would lead to the building of trust!

Are there any that stick out for you?

I've had trust broken in so many ways over my life. I think I often hide behind the cleverest of walls -- a glass one.

Growing up in an abusive household, I learned at an early age how important it was to keep myself safe, to protect my hopes and dreams from being trampled upon (sometimes quite literally)... but I am also a very enigmatic, charismatic, bubbly sort of person -- I LIKE to connect with people.... and the best way I could put up a wall to protect myself and still appear as though I was letting people in (even though I never truly was!) was to build a _glass_ wall (different from a window) so that I was safe on my side, but I could show everyone what they needed/wanted to see of me in order to form a bond, or make the connection. Only, at some point, without my realizing it, I became much like a caged animal in a zoo. On display, but never truly connecting with those on the other side ... never truly trusting enough to let anyone through -- but convincing myself that I was doing enough of my part by baring all....

I am slowly learning to disassemble that wall... carefully .. pane by pane ... and one day I hope I'll find people who value and respect me enough to allow me to be vulnerable and take baby steps towards learning what it means to trust.

For now.... I am still hesitant, but hopeful.

a torn journal entry

How do I tell him that I feel like I am the one who made the mistake by thinking he could be mature enough to handle the responsibility of a relationship like ours? My life is full of required routine and expectations. I have responsibilities that I simply cannot put off ... I feel that he doesn't meet me on a level playing field -- he is smart, just not lived-experience full (if that makes sense). I should have known better. It is my own failing - that I don't value myself enough to date someone my own age. I feel like I am not good enough. I need to be single until I stop feeling that way. But how do I explain that without hurting him? It isn't a lack of love - it is a lack of connection. We don't fit. But he will take it personally :(

"Cocked, Locked and ready to Rock"

Nov 5: This is when it all started...

Nov 19: ...and this is when I knew for sure.

How can I synthesize my life down to mere pixels. You can read my words, digitized by light across vast distances, without ever actually having comprehension of the subtle nuances present amidst the varied rhythms of my catastrophic life.

I hate when I feel so much more alive, just because there is a male-oriented focus in my life.  Formal education, career, projects, even child-rearing ... these things attract my focus, but never quite capture it.... and yet he has stolen me fully and completely.  [Please do not misunderstand me, my daughter is the largest part of my life and I thrive on helping her thrive...... but it is her life in a lot of ways, her school, her health, her activities, her joys, her new experiences ...... what I'm talking about here is my life ..... something that has very much been on the back burner -- right next to non-existent -- for the last six or more years.]

I want; I need; I crave; I breathe the very essence of his being into my pores and I expel nothing; savor it all. Together creates, while apart merely rushes headlong into destruction.

If only I could make sense to myself.  My inner disc is skipping every third note and I can't quite pick out the tune. I've heard something like this song before, yet it is unfamiliar, unique, untouched, unused, entirely uncontaminated by me -- it has a beat that quickens my pulse and envelopes my soul -- it is the way I feel when I am with him.

paper & pen journal excerpt: FR.11.19.2010

I feel safe, content, excited, tantalized.... like there are an endless possibility of opportunities at my fingertips.  Wildly protective and vehemently proud -- ownership that comes with the responsibility.  The nearest I can come to which describes the right feeling is the sense of 'home.' 

//both soft and rough at the same time;  caress and beat //

No matter how much I get, it will never be enough, never be sated, even inside his embrace.

hurt me, beat me, bleed me, scar me!!!