"Cocked, Locked and ready to Rock"

Nov 5: This is when it all started...

Nov 19: ...and this is when I knew for sure.

How can I synthesize my life down to mere pixels. You can read my words, digitized by light across vast distances, without ever actually having comprehension of the subtle nuances present amidst the varied rhythms of my catastrophic life.

I hate when I feel so much more alive, just because there is a male-oriented focus in my life.  Formal education, career, projects, even child-rearing ... these things attract my focus, but never quite capture it.... and yet he has stolen me fully and completely.  [Please do not misunderstand me, my daughter is the largest part of my life and I thrive on helping her thrive...... but it is her life in a lot of ways, her school, her health, her activities, her joys, her new experiences ...... what I'm talking about here is my life ..... something that has very much been on the back burner -- right next to non-existent -- for the last six or more years.]

I want; I need; I crave; I breathe the very essence of his being into my pores and I expel nothing; savor it all. Together creates, while apart merely rushes headlong into destruction.

If only I could make sense to myself.  My inner disc is skipping every third note and I can't quite pick out the tune. I've heard something like this song before, yet it is unfamiliar, unique, untouched, unused, entirely uncontaminated by me -- it has a beat that quickens my pulse and envelopes my soul -- it is the way I feel when I am with him.

paper & pen journal excerpt: FR.11.19.2010

I feel safe, content, excited, tantalized.... like there are an endless possibility of opportunities at my fingertips.  Wildly protective and vehemently proud -- ownership that comes with the responsibility.  The nearest I can come to which describes the right feeling is the sense of 'home.' 

//both soft and rough at the same time;  caress and beat //

No matter how much I get, it will never be enough, never be sated, even inside his embrace.

hurt me, beat me, bleed me, scar me!!!