Running Commentary Since Yesterday...

I'm such an intense person.. it has to be apparent to my daughter. I enjoy him here so much that she is of course going to pick up on my mood .....

Is it a good thing?

She likes him. The first thing she said to him on web-cam today, after a clipped "hi" was "I miss you!" ... !!! she's never said that of her own accord to any of my beaus! She even spoke to him on the phone last weekend (of course, she only said 'goodnight' but considering its difficult to get her to talk to her dad, or my mom or even me sometimes on the phone .. well!)

I'm scared!

This is so new .. so very very new .. and has all kinds of aspects to it that are entirely new to me -- they seem like they make sense on paper, but I've never had the opportunity to play them out in actuality.

Its strange -- I'm not really worried about where things are going for us .. but I'm worried about how it will all effect Kyla. She has such a hard time accepting me as a being other than her mommy. She is protective and loves me desperately. I worry about how she sees relationships and how her image of them will be warped by my own insecurities ... grrr!  Parenting.  The most important role of all existence -- one that is repeated ad infinitum ... and yet no one seems to get any really useful pointers -- every parent has screwed up since the inception of inception ......!
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I've been in some shitty places over my life ... I've stayed with some shitty partners for all the wrong reasons ...... I've seen things I wouldn't want to relive ever again, and yet my nightmares refuse to give me the peace I so long for.  There are men who pray on you, they make you feel like you're lacking and only they have the answer.  My father was like this.  It is a lot to carry, to have to work through.  The layers of the abuse, of the damage, are so very difficult to sort out and peel away.  What he did to me, to all the closest people who I care about, is horrifying, but I've come to realize, he is most likely a sociopath.  So, I learn to push back and hold on... and keep pushing back and holding on... and to get help from people who really care about me. 

This blog is a new step in my self-therapy. I choose to be open. I choose to tell it like I see it and leave nothing to guess work.  There is that oft tossed around quote, about the definition of insanity being the repetition of an act while expecting a different result.  This time I know I want a different out-come, I want something that lasts. I want something worth holding on to. I want someone who sees all of me because _I_ see all of me.

I will work through my garbage because _I_ am worth it, not because he is the one I want.  I will work through my hurt and my pain and my self-loathing and my lack of self-worth and absence of self-esteem because _I_ want to be someone real, because _I_ want to be all of me.

If, in the process, I get to keep him, then I will rejoice in the synchronicity of life.... but it isn't about us, so much as it is about needing to finally be fully me.

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my mind goes in odd spirals and circles and keeps jumping from place to place!

He is so good with her.. so good with her.... the first one, ever.  THAT scares me, too.  Whenever I have these sort of notions.

"fear is not the end of this"

floats across my mind, in the tune from the Live song.....

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I told him I am terrified. He says he'd rather hear that I'm happy and euphoric. I am happy and euphoric -- this is why I am terrified!! I seek to control so much of my world on a daily basis and here is such an amazingly wonderful sensation that is entirely outside of my control. THIS TERRIFIES ME!

But I'll ignore it -- I'll ignore my fear, I'll ignore all the little booby-traps I've set for myself over the years that tell me to run because only pain can ensue from something that starts off feeling so very good................

I want to be here. I want to lose myself in his scent and find myself in his arms. I want to write volumes of poetry simply about the true shade of his iris. I want to write songs based solely on his kiss. I want to paint a multitude of canvases because he makes me explode when he explodes within me ..............

terrified? oh fuck yeah, I'm terrified .... and that is okay, because I'm happy and euphoric and not gunna let go ;)