Running Commentary Since Yesterday...

I'm such an intense person.. it has to be apparent to my daughter. I enjoy him here so much that she is of course going to pick up on my mood .....

Is it a good thing?

She likes him. The first thing she said to him on web-cam today, after a clipped "hi" was "I miss you!" ... !!! she's never said that of her own accord to any of my beaus! She even spoke to him on the phone last weekend (of course, she only said 'goodnight' but considering its difficult to get her to talk to her dad, or my mom or even me sometimes on the phone .. well!)

I'm scared!

This is so new .. so very very new .. and has all kinds of aspects to it that are entirely new to me -- they seem like they make sense on paper, but I've never had the opportunity to play them out in actuality.

Its strange -- I'm not really worried about where things are going for us .. but I'm worried about how it will all effect Kyla. She has such a hard time accepting me as a being other than her mommy. She is protective and loves me desperately. I worry about how she sees relationships and how her image of them will be warped by my own insecurities ... grrr!  Parenting.  The most important role of all existence -- one that is repeated ad infinitum ... and yet no one seems to get any really useful pointers -- every parent has screwed up since the inception of inception ......!
...

I've been in some shitty places over my life ... I've stayed with some shitty partners for all the wrong reasons ...... I've seen things I wouldn't want to relive ever again, and yet my nightmares refuse to give me the peace I so long for.  There are men who pray on you, they make you feel like you're lacking and only they have the answer.  My father was like this.  It is a lot to carry, to have to work through.  The layers of the abuse, of the damage, are so very difficult to sort out and peel away.  What he did to me, to all the closest people who I care about, is horrifying, but I've come to realize, he is most likely a sociopath.  So, I learn to push back and hold on... and keep pushing back and holding on... and to get help from people who really care about me. 

This blog is a new step in my self-therapy. I choose to be open. I choose to tell it like I see it and leave nothing to guess work.  There is that oft tossed around quote, about the definition of insanity being the repetition of an act while expecting a different result.  This time I know I want a different out-come, I want something that lasts. I want something worth holding on to. I want someone who sees all of me because _I_ see all of me.

I will work through my garbage because _I_ am worth it, not because he is the one I want.  I will work through my hurt and my pain and my self-loathing and my lack of self-worth and absence of self-esteem because _I_ want to be someone real, because _I_ want to be all of me.

If, in the process, I get to keep him, then I will rejoice in the synchronicity of life.... but it isn't about us, so much as it is about needing to finally be fully me.

...

my mind goes in odd spirals and circles and keeps jumping from place to place!

He is so good with her.. so good with her.... the first one, ever.  THAT scares me, too.  Whenever I have these sort of notions.

"fear is not the end of this"

floats across my mind, in the tune from the Live song.....

...

I told him I am terrified. He says he'd rather hear that I'm happy and euphoric. I am happy and euphoric -- this is why I am terrified!! I seek to control so much of my world on a daily basis and here is such an amazingly wonderful sensation that is entirely outside of my control. THIS TERRIFIES ME!

But I'll ignore it -- I'll ignore my fear, I'll ignore all the little booby-traps I've set for myself over the years that tell me to run because only pain can ensue from something that starts off feeling so very good................

I want to be here. I want to lose myself in his scent and find myself in his arms. I want to write volumes of poetry simply about the true shade of his iris. I want to write songs based solely on his kiss. I want to paint a multitude of canvases because he makes me explode when he explodes within me ..............

terrified? oh fuck yeah, I'm terrified .... and that is okay, because I'm happy and euphoric and not gunna let go ;)

I hope your weekend was better than mine!!

[Previously posted on MySpace]

Sooo.. I got a single-parent-friend's emails to the group of us who were still living back home, while she'd gone off to school, asking for our help!! .. and when I realized no one had responded, I figured I could!! .. I started my Thursday night by breaking up with my boyfriend and my Friday morning by calling the friend to arrange to come down with my daughter and watch her kids so she could do whatever she needed!

I arrived around 3pm and parked in a lot with a manned booth and
plenty of lighting... knowing that generally my car doesnt fit in
underground parking (it being a Ford Explorer, for anyone who doesnt
know!) .. and paid the $20 deposit and then thought nothing more of it ...

I spent the evening with my friend, who I hadnt seen since the end of summer, catching up a little ... and the kids played... I knew my daughter missed her daughter, as they were close in age and used to play together quite frequently, so they had lots of fun that night.. and then my friend went out just before 8pm ... her youngest was down by 8:40 .. her daughter was asleep by 9pm .. and mine.. well.. mine never goes to bed for me.. so it was closer to 10:30 by the time she was down .. and then I crashed, too!!

I think my poor friend rolled in around 5am :) tossed her coat, boots
and keys somewhere near the front door and crashed in her bed w/ her youngest ...

unfortunately, my daughter is an early-riser AS WELL as a late-nighter ... so
she was up around 7am .. and I TRIED to keep them quiet and playing in
the livingroom so my friend could sleep off the hangouver .. but eventually nature took its course and I had to go peeeeeeee .. and her little one managed to head in and wake mommy up while I was off the scene ...

Soo.. my friend and I got to spend a great morning chatting.. I know I
enjoyed it and I hope she did too!

Around 10am I headed out to my car w/ my daughter .. and my friend, apparently, rounded up her two to go meet up with her mom ... well! Lo and behold! Overnight someone had decided to smash in my car window :(

At first I didnt think they'd taken anything .. but this morning I
think it dawned on me, there was more glass outside the car than there
should have been if nothing had been pulled through, so I went back
out and did an inventory and discovered that my daughter's school backpack
was gone ... I suppose there is poetic justice -- I was slightly more
upset that nothing had been taken and that it was just violence for
the sake of violence ... but now I know the poor sucker obsconded with
a size 2 pair of snowpants and an empty lunch bag and a couple kids
toys -- I hope he felt like an IDIOT .... I think, worse than the
damage to the window, is the loss of my daughter's "piggy" which was a gift
from my dad and step-mom when she was only 4mos old and we visited in
Kansas... its totally irreplacable and has been with her for her whole
life... and the one toy she almost always took back and forth to
school ...

Anyhow.. I had a tarp in the back of the car and some packaging tape
left over from when I'd sent my dad a package a couple months back
(see? having a messy car pays off!) .. and I managed to patch up the
window enough that my daughter wasn't getting too much of a draft ...

While I was doing this, my kid asked me "mommy, what are you doing?" and
I told her that someone had been mean and broken our car window.. and
she asked if the car had an "owie" and I said it was something like
that.. so she leaned over from her carseat and started petting the car
door nearest her, saying "its okay car.. I'm sorry you got hurt.. but
my mommy will fix it.. you'll be okay.. dont worry" It was SOO fckn
adorable!!! Oh to be 2 and a half again!! :)

Once I'd patched it well enough, I told my daughter it was going to be noisy
.. and that she should tell me if she got too cold or too windy ...
and that we were going to have an adventure! .. I used her blanket and
my PJ top to cover the driver's seat (which still had small shards of
glass ALL over it) .. and headed home ....

My little one was a total trooper, in fact, she even fell asleep after about
half an hour... it only took me an hour and a half to get home (taking
lesser roads than the highway, so as not to have to drive 100kmph ..
cuz that was fckn LOUD) ...

and .. I dropped her at her dad's ... called the cops.. left a report.
called insurance, they told me my deductable is $300 and that it'll
cost "slightly less" than that, so they can do nothing for me.. and
then crashed at my mom's place around 3pm for a MUCH needed nap ...

Sooooo .. although my weekend didnt exactly suck, cuz I'm actually
pretty proud of myself for not falling apart in that parkinglot... (my
cell phone was dying, my friend wasnt home anymore.. and .. wtf was I gunna do w/ this open fckn window to be able to drive ALL the way home?!) ....
I still certainly hope you all had MUCH better weekends!!

-=-=-=-=-=(addition)-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

.. Monday I took it to the shop and it cost my $222 with tax to get it all fixed and cleaned.... *sigh* so much for xmas savings :(