wake.the.fck.up!

[previously posted on xanga]

I just can't seem to wake up ..... :/

Sunday night was .. excruciatingly painful to my cerebral cortex .. and I cant shake it from my tree... I should never have gone!  I had to come back to the apt 3 times before I could actually go -- for things I had forgotten... THAT should have been lesson enough that I was not destined to go out Sunday night .. but nooo .. I'm too stubborn to even listen to the signs the world speaks at me (shouts at me .. SCREAMS at me!) .....

What happend, exactly, Sunday night?  ghawd... nothing.  Nothing and everything wrapped into one simple conversation that made little sense and tugs deeply at my soul  (do I still have my soul?  did he steal it?  can he? no .. no .. ppl cant steal what is not rightfully mine to give in the first place .. but ... *search* *search*  I cant seem to feel it anymore?)

and yesterday?  I just could NOT wake up alll day yesterday .. I was sOOOoo tired!  I even had a nap in my mom's bed, and I have creepiness issues about my step-dad (not cuz he's a bad guy, but cuz like.. he's new, and, his flesh/skin/dead-skin/etc is not really a part of my head-space, so like, laying between sheets he's been in.. well .. it just seems like a weird concept!) and yet I was SOOO tired I just crashed (yes, a moments thought about whose bed I was sleeping in passed thru my consciousness, but was swept away as soon as my head hit the pillow -- out like a light switch, literally!)

and this morning?  its only (hrm, 10:23am EST) early and yet.. I still cant shake it!  my kitty has been trying to wake me up for HOURS and I've just been idly petting him, to shush his me-ows, and then crashing back into my sleep-zone .......... *sigh*

LAST night .. I ... hrm .. lucid dreamed?  Not like I've never done that before, but .. last night I was aware I was doing it .. well, not quite, only after I woke up was I aware .. but like.. it FELT creepy and I was trapped in my bedroom in the dark (someone told me you cant flip light switches in a lucid dream -- that turned out to be true for me .. but he also said something about digital displays being garbled, and my digital clock was quite prominent in my lucid dream, showing 12:47 on my horizon .. sooo .. I dunno exactly what that all says?)

ramblings ... *sigh*  I've tried to keep this blog somewhat artistic and not mundane like this entry has been .. but ....

Sunday the fight just feels like it went right out of me...........

and someone else's blog I read today disturbed me a little, too .. sooo

I dunno .. maybe xanga isnt really the place for me... I usually just update my li'l website and whomever chooses to read it, they do, but there's no ... PRESSURE to perform .... *shrug*

hi.. how are ya? I'm fine.....

(I heard, while I was in the psych-ward .. thats F.I.N.E stands for "fucked-up interior, normal exterior" ... quite fitting, donchya think?)