i.desire.you

Xanga me: http://shileaux.xanga.com/

..in the world of many, still one stands alone....................will you reach out? (can you?)

Location: Ontario, Canada
Birthday: 6/10/1980

Interests: writing, drawing, reading, listening, talking, web design, time control, mind melding, OBE, dreaming, playing with my pussy-tat as often as humanly possible!
Expertise: anything you can put my mind to, I promise I will show you things you've never dreamed of! 
 

[previously posted on xanga]

the day .. the hour.. the holding place in the vast sea of memories.... memories that never quite held a spot of you and me .. never quite saw the face of you and me... there was a time of you and a time of me ..and even a time when the two met face to face, but there was no you and me to be spoken of ... yearning, longing, can it stretch this far across the non-existent strokes upon the faceless time-keeper, ticking, ticking, ceasing to expel us ...... if the distance traveled is nil, then the stretching is negligible ... and maybe that which now is, once was, always will be and always has been since the inception of anything .... you. desire. i.

he is not who you think he is...

[previously posted on xanga]

and he crept across my consciousness, tiptoeing, echoing through my heart.. his breath touched my cheek, but more than that there was not ... to need, to want, to desire, to crave the simple freedom of gazing into his eyes ... he is far in distance, both geographically and emotionally -- years pass and we hardly cross paths.. I yearn for him in ways I knew not to exist .. does he know I carry this lightless, lifeless torch for him? and better to ask -- does he care?

ess.eeeee.eks

[previously posted on xanga]

its a new year and I'm a new grrl!  I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years just after new years eve .. things had been going down hill for a very long time, I just didn't have the nerve to do what needed to be done! it was the first monogamous relationship of my life.. and we hadn't had an active sexual relationship together for more than a year .. so now that I'm single and looking -- I'm randy almost 24/7 .. its driving me insane!  I feel like I cant have a clear and intelligent thought without wanting sex!  Random strangers become sexual fantasies as I'm stopped in an intersection at a red light ... all I seem to want to do is masturbate and my fingers are tired :( Its been a rough ride .... know anyone local to me who is just looking for a fuck buddy?! :)

life's like that

[previously posted on xanga]

	I wrote a beautiful piece earlier .... and as I hit submit .. my 'net went down ... serves me right for making the first poetic thing I write in almost a year be done in live-time ...  *sigh* I cant even grasp onto what it was I was saying.. so instead of some enchantment, you get this ... my drivvle .. w00t! lucky you! bah!

kyzilla arrived

[previously posted on xanga]

OUCH!

it has seriously been FOREVER .. like .. forever and a day!

I'm a mom now.  that's how long it has been!  She is about to be four months old.  She is the most beautiful baby in all the world (and I'm not biased at all! hehe!) You can check her out online at her website and see for yourself!

I've been uber busy with that.. I can hardly believe I'm here at all!

can't.stop.

[previously posted on xanga]

...and life prevails, regardless of depression and psychosis ...

stranger days could not have been than those of my recent history .. how to digest and move forwards -- who knows .. but of course, that's the only option .. no stopping now! their merry-go-round is spinning on all its axis' and no matter how loud I scream it wont stop for anyone!

but is there a light at the end of the tunnel? or is that as much a mirage as the tunnel itself? .. ahh ... the tunnel of birth .. mirrored in the tunnel of death .... or do we just start all over again, doomed to repeat the same existence on replay for all eternity?

but of course, time does not exist -- it is merely a mechanism of control... of communication .. of will-power .... can you stop the clock?

starving....

[previously posted on xanga]

dizzzzamn! it's been FOREVER since I've been here .. hrm ........... I moved out of Guelph, into my 'rents place .... and now, I'm looking to move again for December first ... craziness! I needa settle down, yo!! I totally forgot I had this blog .. 'til someone dumped brandimcgee's blog URL in an irc chan ... ghawd, some ppl are just fckn STARVED for attention! anywho .. nothing exciting to say .. check out my website if you want to know whats up in my life .. hope you're all missing me like crazy! mwahahahahahaha! oh, and HAPPY HALLOWE'EN!!

roommate.no.longer.needed!

[previously posted on xanga]

wowie zowie batman! I havn't been home for a while .. but last time I was, xanga was down and I cudnt update any hows!  buuut.. things seem to be running smoothly now! yay!! I've been staying at a friend's place a lot lately -- avoiding my roommate ... I havn't been home since last Thursday morning ... today I found out, finally, that my roommate is moving out for the end of September!  That means ... I'm looking for a new roommate for the 1st of October, 2003!  I live in Guelph, Ontario, Canada! soooo .. if you know anyone interested .. or YOU are interested .. drop me a line! I'm not sure how I'm going to be choosing this new person .. I sure did a fckn BAD job of it last time!  But I have a year's lease and I cant exactly afford a 2bdrm apt all by myself!  ... its $800 inclusive .. and I have Rogers cable internet that I pay $58.80+tax for .. soooo ... I'd be looking for the new roomie to pay $400/mo and $30/mo for 'net access if they wanted it .. (who doesn't want 'net access?!) I guess I'm gunna do up a nice li'l ad-like-thing and post it at the University of Guelph .. maybe someone else has had roommate problems and they're looking for a new place .. or just havnt found anything ... it sucks tho, that its for Oct .. most Univ. students will more'n likly already have a place .. *sigh* WISH ME LUCK!  I'll NEEEED it!

oi.

[previously posted on xanga]

I think I'm ill ... I had a dream last night where I was actually updating this page .... there's just something WRONG about DREAMING about XANGA!!!!!!!!!!!! my boring life prevails .. nothing on the horizon but more crizzzap .. I'm tryna save up some $money$ so I can go on a li'l trip (you know who you are!) .. but I still owe my mom soooo much money from getting my car fixed .. *sigh* I feel like I'll never get outta this hole!  .. AND .. I want to buy a webcam! :(  My roommate stole my good one .. and I haven't been streaming for months now .. *sigh*  I know I'm not this super hawt grrlie that everyone wants to watch .. but .. there's just something THRILLING about having 20+ ppl watching me do ABOSOfcknLUTELY nothing for hrs on end! :)  And sometimes they even chatter at me! wooohoo! iont get it ... ever since I rearranged my bedroom (cuz I hadda move my shizznitch from the livingroom into my room when my roommate punked me, so I cud put a deadbolt on the door for whenever I go out) my kitty cat has been sitting at the base of my bookshelves and MEOWing up at them, as if there's SOMETHING he wants me to do/know/get ... I cant figger it out!  I mean .. its been over a month now and he STILL does it!  I feel like such a dorkwad not knowing what he is getting at! :(  maybe I'll figger it out.. maybe I wont .. but either way, I thot y'all shud know about the frustrations in my life! :) hehe okay .. enuff boring drivvel from my fingertips .... cyz!

reposted repostable repost!

[previously posted on xanga]

[another older piece... dont feel like actually writing today] I woke up late in the game.  It was about four months before my twenty first birthday.  I hit my head hard on the way out and nearly shut down completely.  There were others there to help me -- at least I think they helped, I'm not sure what else they did at the same time.  They have chosen to be members of my past, for now, it seems. My name programmed response is Cassandra Jewell Henry and I am now nine days away from my twenty second birthday.  It has been an incredibly confusing sixteen months and I'm not sure what the next nine days will bring but I'm sure the tenth of June will prove to be a very interesting experience. Most of this doesn't make any more sense to me than it does to you, but I'm going to try my best to clear that up as soon as possible, just try and trust me for a little while -- as if you've ever done that before in your life.  Do you know what I mean by that? Trust? That part of you that lets go and allows someone else to be in control for a moment?  The only way I ever came close to achieving it with another person was through love and drugs.  I suppose in a way we put our trust in machines every day -- driving a car, microwaving a coffee, flying in a plane -- machines that could destroy us with one missed move and we use them on a regular basis.  But have you ever trusted the word of another person and done so because what you were hearing was what you knew to be the actual truth?  Well this time around I shit you not. I've been mulling this all over in my head for a good part of the past sixteen months, looking at it from all 7^1024 sides and I've finally come up with a pretty schnazzy explanation that not only makes sense but sounds pretty fun, too.  I don't have all the backward inside information but I've sure got a lot going on upfront for me and I'm going to leave my foot stuck in the door and let you glance inside for a moment if you're willing. There's twelve of you.  Not you as a whole, but twelve inside of you.  They're the players of the ultimate game called you.  When you were first conceived the artificial intelligence programming started and cell by cell you became a cube in the game of life.  At your time of birth twelve entities were selected and somehow injected into your subconscious mind and became your life force.  These players have 49.5% of the control and you as the game board have another 49.5% of the control.  It is the final 1% of control that is left to chance and this is what you both fight for in every level of the maze that is your life.  Every action has its reaction and ever day you live, you each grow closer to possessing that sought after 50.5% of control but because one can be divided in half for eternity, no one will ever claim it.  This is what allows life to continue. The players of the game do not know they are a part of the game and the game board does not know it is a part of the game, however at some point this will change for one side or both and the game will get much much messier.  Which side will be the stronger half?  Which side can work faster than the other?  Who can come closer to winning before the other side?  How many digits of pi do you know? This is all known as the ultimate mind fuck. Game boards, or people like you and me, all exist on the same playing field as in a role playing game and can interact with one another.  They may even form pairs or teams and work together to help or hinder one another.  There are monsters to be fought in many forms on a personal and individual level -- example, sexual abuse or caner -- as well as grouped and global levels -- example, the depletion of the ozone layer or discovering the uncharted territories of the sea and outer space. The reason I spoke of trust is because this is the ultimate and sole link between one game board and another.  If there is no trust than the flow of data will be tainted with untruths and ambiguities and neither side will ever learn anything from the interaction, thus gaining nothing towards whatever the ultimate goal of this game is. While all game boards are interacting on their own level, inside each person are twelve players interacting with one another to win a different game they play with one another.  There are many levels growing within each human being and every stimulus from the environment changes the maze and creates new obstacles for the twelve players.  These players, like people, can play together as teams or simply as individuals.  The goal of their game and that which will end it, is the discovery of the piece of code that is imprinted in every human being upon conception that defines it wholly - otherwise known as a name.

aliter-what-tion ?

[previously posted on xanga]

	sift softly sagging in a sea of self searching, severing senses senselessly seeing something sneaking slowly so soon shower sheer Sundays with sensory salvation sing to me and I will rejoice!

[previously posted on xanga]

[excerpts from a previous journal ... just random thots, I guess]

10:36a EST Apr11/01

Why bother to write, when anything worth saying has already been said a trillion times over since the beginning of the written word?!  Maybe I think the pattern of words I choose to write it in will somehow be JUST right to unlock the truth inside the human soul. Maybe I'll find the rhythm that no one has before and enough people will see the light to bring about a change in the human race.

Maybe... but I doubt it.

Pessimism is not necessarily a good foot to start a work of art on, but it is my only motivator;  Love having been worn thin by the sand-filled winds of time -- not enough recognizable shards of glass left to have even a glimmer of hope at being glued back together again.

To write is to Sin.

I wonder how to take a vow of silence.  Such strength in the ability to stand on your own and not need reassurance from other sinners around you.

Black on white, white on black, ink bleeding into the medium, however you see it, it is not meant to be.

they, whoever they happen to be, say that knowledge is power.  But I say louder that ignorance is freedom, and who wants power when you can be free?  King of the land of slobs or Isle of One; my choice has slipped away into a drug-induced frenzy.

The hardest challenge to conquer is love of self, but its not so far out of reach as one might think.  Its as easy as simply being.  Taking care of oneself and there you have your inner love.  Treat yourself like your very own baby, because each day you are reborn, stored with the memories of all your previous daily encounters.  Each 24hrs you have the ability to start fresh.  Seven days for the seven different faces/masks you wear.  Can you separate them?  Me neither.  Schitzophrenia is something diagnosed by elimination -- if you haven't got any of the other labeled "mental disorders", then you can (yes, CAN, like an opportunity) be skizo.  But aren't we all?

I understand now why most diaries come with locks and only two keys.  One for opening it by the owner and one in safe-keeping in case the first is lost, damaged or stolen.

In the era of the "INTERNET" and the "WORLD WIDE WEB", where you can sign on and read almost any number of on-line diaries and place your own, nothing is private, nothing left sacred to the owner.  Memories are now as valuable as well-used facial tissue - full of holes and clumps of mucus.  Why bother experiencing things on your own when you can just tune into someone else's life and learn from their mistakes?  Television at its best.  MTV had it right with "The Real Life"  because that's what is flashed all over this "WEB".

I've always wanted the world to be together and interconnected and now it is, only there are a mess of personal computers and light years of cable holding everyone apart.  Why bother getting together with a few of your friends for coffee after school, when you've got dozens more waiting at the other end of your keyboard?

In a society where we allow our children to ridicule and often physically beat each other, how can we say there is any love?

The parental unit is removed from the child during the most important growing years, instead of full-time supervision, which a child deserves for a minimum of the first twelve years of growing, they get sloppy-at-best partial supervision inside a system that is more concerned about their own pocket-book rather than the well-being of our races' future.

North-American Western society is a farce.

We flood the streets with garbage that people spend so much of their valuable time "crafting".  A little girl has half a dozen broken Barbie dolls and 2 dozen outfits for them, rather than one well-made, cared for, CHERISHED doll that she has been taught it is her responsibility to take care of.  We all have closets full of clothes we'll probably never wear because in order to keep industry going, fashion changes with the season, new colours, new shapes, new styles, new CRAP.

We flood our children's waking hours with visions on a box that teach nothing worth learning and by the age of 13 they're already popping out kids of their own that they're not going to take more care of than that REPLACEABLE Barbie doll they learned on.

*sigh* and yet, still all I do is write...

stock options?

[previously posted on xanga]

 how.. did he .. slip through my fingers .. before I ever even .. laid a hand on him? ... did I wait too long?  Of course I waited too long.. why did I wait in the first place?  I was scared... "Fear is not the end of this.." but it was the end of this ...

nothing weighs heavily as it fills my grasp to over-flowing

she touches him as I yearn to .. she looks upon him with her very own eyes and not through this mess of cybernetics as I must .. and yet I do not envy her, I only despise myself for being too late .. much too late ... too shy, too scared, too caught up with the bright lights and sparkling "things" of my self-crafted destruction ...

nothing presses my heart down deep into this pit of despair

I look on, wondering if maybe, just possibly, it will end before it begins .. and I can be the one to sneak in and claim the prize while no one is looking ... but what good would that do me, if he wasn't watching?!

nothing sneaks off with my soul, certain to sell high and buy low

'thrown'

[previously posted on xanga]

resting my little butt on the   edge of a razor holding myself together by   a thought     a prayer maybe tomorrow will bring     a ladder so I can climb down from my     precarious roost but someone once said     tomorrow never comes so here I sit for all eternity     on the throne of my own creation patiently awaiting that which will never happen and weaving tales     of heroism and heroine for any audience I can claim with the knowledge     that one day I'll get tired and     have to take a seat.

two pairs vs. a full house

[previously posted on xanga]

I see your spade, and raise you two hearts and a diamond:
I'd like to be the stitches in your wound .. and the doctor that inserts them .. and the nurse that soothes them ... and the time that heals the flesh ... and the salt that accidentally burns it ... and the scar that leaves it mark............. (and the pain that caused it in the first place) ... (and the story you tell of how it happened) ...
9:04pm EST 07/22/03
-----
got tat'd today!!  yayayayaya!  picts to ensue as soon as the bloooood can be wiped away (bandaged for 24hrs.. so .. not quite yet!)  .. oh, and I guess not 'til I can procure a digi-cam (since mine got stolen .. fckn fcknuts!) .. I love the way...... physical pain ... like that ... makes you unable to THINK -- my racing thoughts stop racing and my body thrills at the exquisite intrudence of sensory over-load!

if money is the physical personification of time .. and time doesn't exist ... how am I gunna find more money, and more time, to get more tats? hrm ... somehow, it'll happen!! mwahahahahha!

love is...

[previously posted on xanga]

love is aching and needing and wanting and pleading .. love is tearing down walls and building windows .. love is touching, but never really touching -- Einstein says so! .. love is wanting the best for, but knowing you never can do anything about it.. love is believing the lies and swallowing the pride .. love is smelling sin and breathing smoke... love is knowing you never have to say sorry, but that you always are... love is grief and redundancy .. love is agony and remorse .. love is living, day to day, where no one pays your thoughts any mind, because they are, after all, your thoughts and you haven't the words to coalesce  .. love is making a fool of yourself and REALLY making a fool of yourself .. love is never unconditional, unless you're me. 

wake.the.fck.up!

[previously posted on xanga]

I just can't seem to wake up ..... :/

Sunday night was .. excruciatingly painful to my cerebral cortex .. and I cant shake it from my tree... I should never have gone!  I had to come back to the apt 3 times before I could actually go -- for things I had forgotten... THAT should have been lesson enough that I was not destined to go out Sunday night .. but nooo .. I'm too stubborn to even listen to the signs the world speaks at me (shouts at me .. SCREAMS at me!) .....

What happend, exactly, Sunday night?  ghawd... nothing.  Nothing and everything wrapped into one simple conversation that made little sense and tugs deeply at my soul  (do I still have my soul?  did he steal it?  can he? no .. no .. ppl cant steal what is not rightfully mine to give in the first place .. but ... *search* *search*  I cant seem to feel it anymore?)

and yesterday?  I just could NOT wake up alll day yesterday .. I was sOOOoo tired!  I even had a nap in my mom's bed, and I have creepiness issues about my step-dad (not cuz he's a bad guy, but cuz like.. he's new, and, his flesh/skin/dead-skin/etc is not really a part of my head-space, so like, laying between sheets he's been in.. well .. it just seems like a weird concept!) and yet I was SOOO tired I just crashed (yes, a moments thought about whose bed I was sleeping in passed thru my consciousness, but was swept away as soon as my head hit the pillow -- out like a light switch, literally!)

and this morning?  its only (hrm, 10:23am EST) early and yet.. I still cant shake it!  my kitty has been trying to wake me up for HOURS and I've just been idly petting him, to shush his me-ows, and then crashing back into my sleep-zone .......... *sigh*

LAST night .. I ... hrm .. lucid dreamed?  Not like I've never done that before, but .. last night I was aware I was doing it .. well, not quite, only after I woke up was I aware .. but like.. it FELT creepy and I was trapped in my bedroom in the dark (someone told me you cant flip light switches in a lucid dream -- that turned out to be true for me .. but he also said something about digital displays being garbled, and my digital clock was quite prominent in my lucid dream, showing 12:47 on my horizon .. sooo .. I dunno exactly what that all says?)

ramblings ... *sigh*  I've tried to keep this blog somewhat artistic and not mundane like this entry has been .. but ....

Sunday the fight just feels like it went right out of me...........

and someone else's blog I read today disturbed me a little, too .. sooo

I dunno .. maybe xanga isnt really the place for me... I usually just update my li'l website and whomever chooses to read it, they do, but there's no ... PRESSURE to perform .... *shrug*

hi.. how are ya? I'm fine.....

(I heard, while I was in the psych-ward .. thats F.I.N.E stands for "fucked-up interior, normal exterior" ... quite fitting, donchya think?)

recipes for disaster

[previously posted on xanga]

recipes for disaster
too little, too late
too late to love
a little love is never too late...
07/19/03 11pmish EST
(alternate ending "its never too late to love a little")

2B

[previously posted on xanga] to BE to KNOW and to DO says he .. (who is he? well.. it doesnt really matter.. since he isnt really anyone I know, but I read what he had to say .. and it seemed pliable at the "time" .. ?) I am .. I know ..and I think to "do" is redundant of I "am" ..... but at the same time, there's an equally disproportionate differential on the directly opposite side of the truth that is not the un-truth but merely the truth mirrored upon itself .. the opposite of a truism is not a lie .. because they don't look the same in the mirror? I'm confused again.  I just want to dance in the rain and sing in the breeze and pet my kitty and make devil eyes at that boy who I cant get out of my mind.............. I'm lonely.. I'm looney .. I'm over the top and somewhere down near the bottom .......... I want to hold your hand, as you hold mine, and we walk into the light together.. the deep, darkness of the light..... and I want to smile when I frown at the things that cant be found in the moment that our eyes first connected........ --- I want to eat McD's fries.. but they're not on my diet .. and I want to be attractive (to me, not to you, to ME!) ... so I'm on this very restrictive diet .. that actually works .. but .. it makes me not enjoy food..... but some days I think enjoying food is some form of sin, so its better to learn to eat for survival and not for pleasure ... or something? .... *sigh*

quotables...

[previously posted on xanga]
 
"The fearful are often holders of the most dangerous power.  They become demoniac when they see the workings of all the life around them.  Seeing the strengths as well as the weaknesses, they fasten only on the weaknesses."
pg.42   The Jesus Incident   F. Herbert  B. Ransom