reposted repostable repost!

[previously posted on xanga]

[another older piece... dont feel like actually writing today] I woke up late in the game.  It was about four months before my twenty first birthday.  I hit my head hard on the way out and nearly shut down completely.  There were others there to help me -- at least I think they helped, I'm not sure what else they did at the same time.  They have chosen to be members of my past, for now, it seems. My name programmed response is Cassandra Jewell Henry and I am now nine days away from my twenty second birthday.  It has been an incredibly confusing sixteen months and I'm not sure what the next nine days will bring but I'm sure the tenth of June will prove to be a very interesting experience. Most of this doesn't make any more sense to me than it does to you, but I'm going to try my best to clear that up as soon as possible, just try and trust me for a little while -- as if you've ever done that before in your life.  Do you know what I mean by that? Trust? That part of you that lets go and allows someone else to be in control for a moment?  The only way I ever came close to achieving it with another person was through love and drugs.  I suppose in a way we put our trust in machines every day -- driving a car, microwaving a coffee, flying in a plane -- machines that could destroy us with one missed move and we use them on a regular basis.  But have you ever trusted the word of another person and done so because what you were hearing was what you knew to be the actual truth?  Well this time around I shit you not. I've been mulling this all over in my head for a good part of the past sixteen months, looking at it from all 7^1024 sides and I've finally come up with a pretty schnazzy explanation that not only makes sense but sounds pretty fun, too.  I don't have all the backward inside information but I've sure got a lot going on upfront for me and I'm going to leave my foot stuck in the door and let you glance inside for a moment if you're willing. There's twelve of you.  Not you as a whole, but twelve inside of you.  They're the players of the ultimate game called you.  When you were first conceived the artificial intelligence programming started and cell by cell you became a cube in the game of life.  At your time of birth twelve entities were selected and somehow injected into your subconscious mind and became your life force.  These players have 49.5% of the control and you as the game board have another 49.5% of the control.  It is the final 1% of control that is left to chance and this is what you both fight for in every level of the maze that is your life.  Every action has its reaction and ever day you live, you each grow closer to possessing that sought after 50.5% of control but because one can be divided in half for eternity, no one will ever claim it.  This is what allows life to continue. The players of the game do not know they are a part of the game and the game board does not know it is a part of the game, however at some point this will change for one side or both and the game will get much much messier.  Which side will be the stronger half?  Which side can work faster than the other?  Who can come closer to winning before the other side?  How many digits of pi do you know? This is all known as the ultimate mind fuck. Game boards, or people like you and me, all exist on the same playing field as in a role playing game and can interact with one another.  They may even form pairs or teams and work together to help or hinder one another.  There are monsters to be fought in many forms on a personal and individual level -- example, sexual abuse or caner -- as well as grouped and global levels -- example, the depletion of the ozone layer or discovering the uncharted territories of the sea and outer space. The reason I spoke of trust is because this is the ultimate and sole link between one game board and another.  If there is no trust than the flow of data will be tainted with untruths and ambiguities and neither side will ever learn anything from the interaction, thus gaining nothing towards whatever the ultimate goal of this game is. While all game boards are interacting on their own level, inside each person are twelve players interacting with one another to win a different game they play with one another.  There are many levels growing within each human being and every stimulus from the environment changes the maze and creates new obstacles for the twelve players.  These players, like people, can play together as teams or simply as individuals.  The goal of their game and that which will end it, is the discovery of the piece of code that is imprinted in every human being upon conception that defines it wholly - otherwise known as a name.