[previously posted on xanga]

a farce, I tell you .. its all one big farce -- on my heart, on my soul, upon my very eyes ..... *le sigh* where do I go to find enough HD space for all the lies of my life?  I say I'm afflicted with honesty, but that's just another lie to myself in the mirror ...  I think I'm beautiful somedays, but how can someone so ugly be beautiful to anyone else?  oooh, I mean ugly from the soul-deep .. not skin-deep.. who cares what I look like, I didn't get together with ghawd and decide how my cells would procreate and form themselves into the fractal that is me......... but oh the lies.. the lies that eat me alive from deep deep down in my heart -- the ones I tell to myself are the worst .. the deception.. the hatred.. the only way I've ever known how to live ... to pretend to believe and yet to know none of it is real and still wake up the next morning as though every second mattered somewhere.... and then to be brave enough to shed a tear for the fear of living here in the waste of our space in a haste to pace ourselves... oh I'm stealing again, can you see it? did you see me steal those sentences from somewhere that wasn't mine? but I like to own things, even if they dont exist in actuality, the fanciful fantasy falls forward from frothy forever mores ........ and yet mimicry is a form of flattery, n'est pas? I dont care .. I care too much .. I never cared.. I always cared .. I'll remember to care right after I finish this next sentence, k? I love you, I hate you, I need you, please go away, it's all happening and it never happend and who do I tell what to ... and .. and .. why bother... oh bother, said pinnie the wooh and piglet smiled too!