I don't understand .. any of it .. I don't know what to
write .. but I feel like I should.. like this is the
only thing left inside of me to do .. to sit down and
write what is going on inside of me.. but I'm afraid of
what is going on inside so I don't want to put it to
actual words because I don't know what that could
possibly mean ... oh ghawd.. I miss my mommy and my cat
so much .. I wish I could be with them right now.. what
am I doing in KY when I really don't want to be here??
I like it here enough .. Brandon makes me feel good..
but why am I waiting 'til Thursday to leave when I want
to be home right now??? oh I'm silly.. I'm silly silly
silly.. and I can't stop crying.. I don't know what any
of it means.. I don't understand any of it.. I don't
think I ever have or that I ever will....
someone once told me that everything was going to be
fine and I believed them ... but what does it mean to
believe something? and who is someone? do I know the
answer to either of these questions? does it help me if
I do?? who knows.. who is who? what is what? yellow
scares me.. and I'm starting to wonder if maybe orange
does, too .. but I never understood purple.. and blue
confused me first......
I want to sleep .. but what happens if I sleep?? why
am I so afraid? what am I afraid of? things being what
my brain thinks they might be? but that can't be
possible.. it's just a brain.. it's a bunch of cells
together making this person .. and no one else believes
the things I say.. so why should my brain continue to
believe them... they're confusing and backwards and
just figments of a delusional mind.. that's all... but
can I really believe that? hardcore believe that? I'm
trying to .. very hard trying to .. I'm sad because I'm
afraid I DON'T believe that I'm just psychotic... it'd
be nice though, huh?
oh chaos oh bliss oh green bodies of my life.... slowly
crawl down my throat and invade my being.. give me
life... let me flourish under your care and learn
slowly....
I don't even know what I write anymore...
what do I write? can you see this? can you? do you
understand it? can you tell where I'm coming from? does
it make sense to you?? Brandon says it's just low
dopamine levels.. and it comes from doing too much E
... I'd like to believe that.. that'd be nice, too .....
why did I do so many drugs?! :(
why did I let my mom leave me in KY?
oh I miss her.....
what am I doing sitting at this computer and typing..
how is this helping me.. is it helping me any at all??
so many questions.. do I even want to know the answers?
no... I'm not really sure that I do .. I just ask them
because questions mean there are things left unknown ..
and unknown is good.. because it means there is still
more to discover.. and discovery is good because it is
something to do ....
what do I want to do? I want to sing and dance and be
merry! grr.. I want to stop being itchy .. why am I so
itchy when I get in a state like this?? siwwy siwwy
things.. bah!
is there more to write? or can I sleep for a while.....
still I wonder what happens when I sleep .. I'm SOO
tired though .. but maybe I've been sleeping too much
and that's the problem .. but I'm SOOO tired! I feel
like I've never slept before.. like my body is just
perched on the edge of sleep but never really gets to
get there.............
'cept I don't think I'm s'posed to go to sleep ... I'm
tired of writing... I'm tired of missing... I just want
to curl up, possibly beside Brandon ... and sleep for a
little while...
I'd REALLY like to curl up in my own bed with my kitty
at my feet and sleep for a long time.... that'd be the
thing to do ... I'll do that when I get home on
thursday ....
I need to call greyhound of Canuckia.. but I'm afraid
to .. because phonecalls are never quite what they
seem, huh?
fear is not the end of this!!!!
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