Avoidance

 

• • • • •

Let’s talk avoidance for a minute.

If you are struggling to find balance, wellness, recovery (however you define it) you know that there is work to be done.

That work is tough, anxiety provoking, painful and at times can make us feel worse.

I want you to trust me when I tell you that everyday that goes by that you are AVOIDING by engaging in harmful behaviours you are making that part of your brain STRONGER.

Wellness means re-wiring your brain to have new thinking patterns, new reactions to stress and new habits to make you feel better. This requires fighting against, what for now seems right, normal and Okay.

For today, pick one pattern that has been hard to challenge. Isolate it and try strengthening that other, newer, less familiar part of your brain.

It gets easier, it’s worth it.

Beat it, kid

sometimes, when you’re not here
I can’t breathe and I feel empty
and I cry
because it shouldn’t be this way
I have so much
around me, surround me, with me

when you’re here I breathe easy
my heart beats in a way that makes sense

but when I’m alone
I can’t hear it
beat
beat
beat me

tears fall
around me, surround me, with me

sometimes, when you’re not here
I think about
what it would be like to not be here

to simply never have existed at all

and I can’t
let it
beat
beat
beat me.



10:26pm July 28, 2018

Tree of Stars night (at LOST)

Journal prompt #1: struggles

Sometimes we find ourselves
Twisting in a place we've been before
Returning again and again
Unbeknowest to those close to us
Gaining strength from the repetition
Giving only the slightest notion
Leaving us to ask what is this for
Each lost to the vast plane
Struggling to catch our breath

Journal Prompt #2: home

a) Inside your embrace is where I seek to find home. Strength, softness, warmth. Knowing I need only turn my face to find yours and see the depth of emotion in your eyes mirroring my own. Home is much more than a place, it is a feeling of safety and a sense of well-being and comfort.

b)

• I've moved more times than I can even remember. I'd quickly run out of fingers to count on if I tried to suss it out for you. So I know that 4 walls and a roof are not what create it.
• I've lost all I own due to various situations, sleeping under a towel on a carpeted floor, so I know it takes more than a bed or a couch to make it.
• I've lost partners, friends, family, and pets, so I know it is not just the people we populate our buildings with who make it what it is.
• But somehow, if you squeeze all these pieces together and add in some love and support, some warmth and caring, with the people who really matter, you can create a space for yourself in this unforgiving world and call it home.

Journal prompt #3: self-care (list from group)

- blogger.com
- self massages
- no cell phone
- avoid news
- watch comedy
- letter to self about "things I like about me"
- de-cluttering (home and head)
- walk
- youtube yoga
- blowing bubbles
- help someone randomly
- write
- talk to a stranger
- learn to make a new food
- just breathing
- enjoy a cup of tea
- quiet
- headspace (app, guided meditation)
- mammalian dive reflex
-  go to library w/ a friend
- look through old memory boxes
- eat in shower (a dripping fruit)
- re-wire the brain

A Poem for Max

He's sick, he's sick
What do I do?
My kitty cat
Has got the flu.

He's thin and slow
and will not eat.
I've tried it all
I fear I'm beat.

Took him to
the Doctor now,
who poked and prodded,
took blood anyhow.

I'll wait and see
What might be wrong
I'll hope the prognosis
isn't long.

My kitty cat
Has got the flu.
He's sick, he's sick
What do I do?

Found in a journal ...

Sometimes I write and sometimes I don't, but I'm always crafting stories in my head. Stories about the man who crossed the street in front of my car or the girl who served my coffee or the tired voice on the other end of the phone line when I call my child in sick to school. I don't, and won't likely ever, know any of these people, but I create intricate back-stories for them, shaped from the way they carry the tension in their shoulders, or the way they've layered their clothing for the day, or the sligh hitch in the roll of their 'r'. These faceless, nameless people become a rich tapestry to the fantastical stories I write in my head as I weave my way through the everyday mundane.

Tree of Stars night (at LOST)

Journal prompt #1: Who is your superhero?

For a long time I would easily answer that with 'my sister' -- and while she for sure is my hero, always has held that spot in my world, now I think I have a new answer.  My kid is my superhero.  He is just turning 14 and he is already so headstrong & bold. He knows himself intimately in a way I, at nearly 40, am only just discovering.  My son was AFAB but that didn't stop him from claiming his true self and identity. He is embarking now on a journey of transition that I can do no more than scaffold him through -- the choices will be his and his alone (of course, Doctor-informed choices, but still, the direction he wants to take his body is a journey I cannot make with him) and I couldn't be prouder of how he is handling himself in all this new-ness!

Poem: The lost night of Tree of Stars (April 10th 6:30pmish)

I flew through the gaps
seeping into oblivion
I only knew it was never enough.
Try as I might
I couldn't find purchase in their land.
Spew my hurt into
physical being
I took this hate and turned
it into fuel.
I will expel until I dig
deep and discover joy.
Desire leaves me wanting
but truth will set me adrift
in a sea of my own
understanding.
Drowning is no longer an option
as I plant two feet upon this
soil and call it my own.

Journal prompt #2:  Name 7 things you can do for self-care that are free

1. Grounding --> earthing. Bare feet in the grass, sand, soil
2. Come to a group at LOST
3. Water. Drink it, bathe in it, play in it. Water is revitalizing.
4. Let it go. Grab a pillow and just scream into it. Let it all out.
5. Meet up with a friend. Go for a walk, sit in the park, just connect --> no phones!!
6. Find a free app or use YouTube. Play some relaxing music and burn some incense and meditate for 5 or 15 minutes. Gently bring yourself back to focus if your mind wanders
7. Journal. Do 'free writing' -- let your pen walk and don't think too hard about what you're writing. Get it out!

Overheard at event: Nothing can go wrong with a paper and a pen. 

The last day of Summer 2017...

Tomorrow is the first day of Autumn.... a time of maturity and bounty -- harvesting the fruits of our labour.....

I've been in a relationship since Spring. A wonderful, life-affirming relationship. I wake up every morning excited to face the day, knowing I'll get to interact with this relationship. I go to bed every night with happy memories and warm thoughts for the future.

Can it last?

I believe it can, but I worry that New Relationship Energy is still lingering, 6 months in, and one day we'll wake up to the cold reality that it's hard work and we cannot sustain this level of excitement for the rest of forever.

We've already had a few bumps along the way, at least two that threatened to tear us asunder -- and yet somehow the connection that pulled us through has only made us stronger on the other side, both times.

I drive to pick him up, and I watch through the windshield as he exits his house, turning to lock the door and quite literally my HEART BEATS FASTER. Six long months in, and I still feel my pulse quicken whenever I get to see him.  He sends a text, and I smile. He calls randomly from work, and I glow....... is this really still just NRE?

I'm certain it's love that is meant to last. I'm certain these are the telltale signs of something that is right, something that works, something that fits, something real.

But what if I'm wrong?

He has so much anxiety around relationships. He worries that he's not good enough for me, that I deserve better.  He wonders what I could possibly see in him ..... and sometimes, I wonder the same from my perspective -- why me? Why does he choose to spend his time with me? What have I done that's been so worthy of all this attention and energy?  I tend to only question this when he's questioning himself, but still, I question it ......

Are we only fooling ourselves? Are we just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl...... grasping on to straw-filled dreams?