Why I can’t be an advocate.

I have a wealth of experiences, a gift for language and insight, and an engaging speaking mannerism.

I am a woman described by professionals in the industry as someone who “must be listened to."

I am a force to be reckoned with when prompted with questions regarding change and identifying the gap in services offered.

But along with that, I am a single mother, on disability, hardly making financial ends meet and not making a single dream for myself a reality.

Speaking at a National conference on homelessness solutions and prevention was a wonderful experience. I was treated like a VIP — because I was one of the ones with the knowledge that service providers were thirsty for… however, it didn’t get _me_ anywhere.

I know that people on the ground, those with the new coined term of “lived experience”, need to have a voice — they need to have a seat at the round-table discussions, because they are the ones who KNOW what is needed.  I know this, and it seems that policy makers are possibly coming around to understand this.

But it _takes_ from me, and doesn’t GIVE to me in any fashion.  I might get a meal or an experience out of it, I could possibly add it to my resume… but to what effect?

It is taxing and triggering to relive and re-share my story over and over again, so that others can understand _why_ these changes are so important.

But I don’t get a special title. I don’t have a career out of it. I can’t ever actually _better_ myself by this advocacy.

I have dreams, aspirations and goals in my life that I can’t take steps towards when I am so extremely tired after all this advocacy work.

I was at a story-telling workshop today. I loved every moment of it. It made me want to get back involved with some of the advocacy work I was doing before, but recently gave up. Only it won’t get me and my life and my daughter any further ahead than we are now.

Maybe it could make a difference to the policy, to the bottom line — maybe it could affect change that would matter to LOTS of other people — maybe it is in the act of selflessness that true change happens.

Maybe. But all of that maybe-ing doesn’t keep food on the table and a smile on my face.

I need to work on me and my goals, not the society around me and it’s goals.

I don’t believe that to be the full truth — I think society needs to be taken care of first, so that we might ALL work on our own goals … but I’ve been killing myself for two and a half years with it, and I can’t right now.

2015 is the year of ME.  2015 is the year of fulfilled goals!