We often talk about how domestic violence isolates. It does. This
post is not about that. I’d like to flip the focus and look at another
aspect of post-trauma, a place where survival has moved into survivor
and struggle has changed to strength…
For those still in the midst of domestic violence, or for those in
the early steps of fleeing to safety, this post is intended to offer
hope. For those who are closer to where I am along my journey, I can
only hope you have been fortunate enough to experience similar positive
aspects. If you’re not there yet — I invite you to make steps to be
where you want to be.
It isn’t that often in this life that we are given the opportunity to
start over — to reinvent ourselves. Sure, all those lovely quotes we
see pasted all over Facebook talk about ‘if you’re not happy, then do
something about it’ … and ‘live the life you were born to live’ … and
while I’m all for their sappy sentiment, the reality is, in North
America (as I imagine in much of the world) it is a struggle just to get
by… to put one foot in front of the other and face the ever-present nowness
of life. The bills need to be paid, the kids need to be fed, the
groceries bought, this kid to the dentist, that kid to dance class, the
kitty litter changed, the garbage to the curb, the health-card renewed,
taxes filed, laundry done…. and lather, rinse, repeat Ad infinitum [the
Latin phrase meaning "to infinity"] When in the midst of all this, is
there TIME to stop and reinvent yourself? To take that night class that
will better your degree and change your pay scale… to decide on an
entire new path for your career… to change your perspective and change
your potential takes TIME and the patience and understanding of those
who support you in your life.
Well let me tell you — fleeing domestic violence and losing
everything you own in the process… having to walk away from your job in
order to take care of yourself or your children; when the pieces finally
settle, the court battle has wound down and you no longer feel in
crisis — this is where you will find some time and if you are lucky,
your support-networks will be understanding — if you are not so lucky,
then you will be building new support networks from within the service
agencies connected to supporting survivors of domestic violence here in
Hamilton (or whatever town you happen to call home).
Nothing I’m saying is advocating domestic violence as a positive
aspect for changing your life — I am simply taking a different view of
the other side, the place you get to where you have to put all the
pieces back together. Those pieces don’t have to look the same way they
did before they broke. There’s a quote (from one of those silly
Facebook images!) I read once, that says “If you carry the bricks from
your past relationships to the new one, you will build the same house.”
The opportunity available to you on the other side of healing, is that
you can take this time to reevaluate your needs and your wants in this
world. This is a chance to go forward from a new perspective into the
life you really want to be living.
If you were running yourself ragged 9-5 at a job you didn’t enjoy,
maybe now is the time to take that class you needed to upgrade your
skill set and change your career.
If you weren’t connecting with your kids in a way that felt
meaningful, maybe now is the time to do some counseling together, or
plan a routine that involves more face-time together, including sit-down
dinners or family games nights.
If you didn’t have space for your passions or hobbies before, maybe
now is when you make that part of the must-haves in your new housing
search. [This is one I did -- I make jewellery but had always been
unpacking materials from a Rubbermaid bin to use, and packing it all
back up after each session... now I have it spread out across a table in
my bedroom so I can just pop over and make a piece any time the mood
arises... I couldn't even begin to express how wonderful this has been! I
have a friend who is planning a garden in her new place, because she
misses getting her fingers dirty and enjoying the fruits of her labour
afterwards.]
If you didn’t get enough exercise or fresh air in your rushed
lifestyle before, now is the time to get involved in the Wellness
programs available to women, through Good Shepherd or the YWCA or any
number of organizations. Take the opportunity to get together for a
quick bite with the new supports you’ll make through survivors groups
(or through the Forum here!) and plan to attend a Yoga group together,
or a public swim with the kids.
Find your own “If”‘s and discover the freedom to do it differently.
This is your life. Domestic violence is a crazy wake-up call. The
only time we have is now. Rather than drown in the sorrows and losses
from the past — reach out and grab a hold of your future — you can
change it up any way you want to and be excited about the possibilities.
Remember, you may be down, but you’re not out!
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