1in4: Where to turn?

When I was going through my most abusive relationship (the most recent one counts somewhere on the spectrum, but I usually don’t refer to it that way, it’s too fresh and I still hold too much shame for knowing better and staying anyways) back in ’02-’05… I already had a lot of supports in place.  I have always been close with my mother and my sister (except during this relationship — if nothing else, THIS fact should have been a strong indicator to me that all was not right! Going weeks at a time without seeing or even speaking to my family is a strange occurrence for us, and this became the norm inside this abusive relationship.)  On top of that I had been seeing a psychiatrist (who, as it turned out, I was lying to because of my abusive partner!  Not good!) … plus I had another worker through the Community Mental Health Clinic, who had been seeing me for the previous year. And once I had my daughter, I was involved with a Public Health Nurse, and an advisor through a Healthy Babies program, under the CAS umbrella network…

When things finally came to a crux (you can read about some of my story in the Forums) and I left… it was after calling on many of these supports to get good advice and answers to some really tough questions. I had just decided to go to University… my entire life was already in flux… and it was very easy for me to pack up and move out of town.

But most women are not in this position.  Many women are living in isolation — isolation usually created by their abuser.  If you don’t have supports, you can’t talk about the abuse, and if you don’t have anyone else with whom to discuss what goes on behind closed doors, it is much easier for an abuser to paint a picture where you are to blame; where your actions brought on your partners rage and perhaps, to top it all off, your abuser can suggest that you are really just mentally unhinged to begin with, so who is really at fault??

Breaking the silence is one of the most difficult stages in healing.  Sometimes the abuse has gone on so long, you feel like no one will ever believe you — why are you complaining now, if you’ve been putting up with it so long?  Or sometimes, there is shame associated with the truth. Saying the words, trying to explain how things weren’t always like this, how it was so slow and gradual at first… how you really love him and he says he’s sorry, and he says he wont do it again … and if maybe you could just learn not to set him off, things could be okay!  You have so many plans for your life, for your future… if you break this relationship or this family apart, how can you ever forgive yourself? Because then it really will be your fault, right? Right?!

Wrong.  I’m reluctant to use the term “dead wrong” here, but the very scary truth is, that those words could be the worst truth of all — domestic violence can escalate to murder.  According to an article I just read on  Metronews, “a woman is murdered by her spouse in Canada every six days, a stat derived from a federal government fact sheet, based on 2009 Statistics Canada data.”

So how do you do it? How do you break the silence? Whats the first step??  I can’t put words into your mouth — they have to be your own words. This has to be something you want.  I am a survivor, but I am not yet your friend — I cannot give you advice, I can only share my story, share my knowledge, and hope that something I say will ring a chord within you and help you escape your suffering.  What I can tell you is this:  there is support out there to help you! There are wonderful agencies here in Hamilton (and I know there are in other cities as well) that know this system inside and out.  You just need to pick up a phone and call.

I’m going to quote from the WAWG website here: “Safety planning is a top priority, whether you choose to remain in the home or leave. Making a safety plan involves identifying actions to increase your safety and that of your children [...] If you are in an abusive relationship, or thinking about leaving an abusive relationship, there are ways to increase your safety of loved ones and animals by creating a safety plan. There is no one type of safety plan for every situation. You can contact your local shelter, second stage service, or counselling service to develop a personalized safety plan.”

As you’ll see me say anywhere I can find to slip it in — stay safe; stay informed! You are worth it!