journaling ..

I often wish I could collect my thoughts on the white-board of my mind, eloquently, coherently, chronologically -- heck, APA style if we're going for wishes.......... I wish I could do it mid thought, mid sentence, any time at all during a conversation.  I get so very caught up in the subtle nuances and miss the broad strokes, or so very trampled by the broad strokes that I can't even grasp the subtleties.......

Time is my enemy and my only adversary .. time is the best friend I'll ever have. Time doesn't really exist and yet we face it over and over and over again.

Somehow, when I journal, things seem to fall out of my fingertips in an order that makes sense (to me?) and that convey exactly the message I was aiming for initially. Why can't they slip off my tongue with the same ease? Why do I always feel so very tongue-tied and lost and like I never say what I mean and I most certainly don't mean what I'm saying?

I am going to try again.  I began this blog with the best of intentions and somewhere in the mix of things I lost my focus.  I am worth trying again. The goal is _me_ and finding my head in the midst of my heart. "She has a good heart." Golly at least that has never been in question -- now if only I could have a good head on my shoulders, maybe the two might be able to get something done!  Instead, it often feels like my mind is exploding so frequently, so drastically, that my skull can't possibly contain it and I spill all over those nearest to me at the time, whether they friend, foe or otherwise.

Control. This is something I have a serious lack of -- in my self, in my life, in my grasp of reality......

---

I have begun to port my other journals over to this one place. No need to read 'em all, but feel free to browse through the older entries, if you're, y'know .. curious ;) Some of them currently date back to 2003, but if all goes according to plan, I have them all the way back to 1992 -- and tell me you aren't curious what a twelve year old girl writes about in her diary! (no, really, tell me.. cuz if you aren't, I wont waste the time in digitizing all that crap and I'll find some other endeavor to undertake!!)

Here's to a slightly calmer future ... with all the intensity of a life well lived.

[just so you know (yes you! you know who you are!)... I've thought about it ... and I really _am_ happy -- sure, I'm sad and confused and mixed-up and worried and scared and nervous and anxious and a little excited....... but I really AM happy ...... maybe not so euphoric, but who says euphoria is any sort of state to exist in long-term anyhow??  happy it is and happy is the best I need for long-term.......  please don't think I'm not happy -- even when I'm crying, I'm happy that I have the freedom to be able to express my sadness!]

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

(see? Emerson understands why I think being a self-centered prick is a good thing!)