Does he even care about how much I hurt? Will he ever?

It has been months. I don't even know how to update - so, I wont.

What has brought me to the pixelated nethers of my life, to pour my soul out to strangers and mostly to no one?? .. I have no other outlet.

I hurt. I ache. I feel like my lungs are in a vice and only a trickle of oxygen is getting through at a time. My brain is on fire, my chest is constricted, too ... my eyes burn ... my limbs tense ......

Why, you ask?

I cannot walk away.  He is the very energy I have sought my whole existence.  Yet he stakes claims over me which I cannot fully fathom, nor ever truly allow. How can I be completely subservient like he demands of me? How can I let go of all I have worked so very long and hard to sustain? I don't suggest that it was anything GOOD I've built ... but how can I still be me, while losing myself in him?

And what of the hurt I feel when he gives her what I crave most? He thinks I can't take it or don't want it .... sure, there are complications (like, nothing visible to the prying eyes of the rugrat) ... but I crave it.. I crave it .. I CRAVE it and he denies me.

When I think of her and him, I want to run and never look back -- that is how much it hurts.

Yet he either doesn't get it, doesn't care, or feels it is entirely justified.

He thinks I don't trust him.  How can he think that, when I stand by and consistently let him turn my insides to mush?  Every moment he bestows upon her and I feel sick, yet it continues and he has the audacity to think I don't trust him? I don't respect him? ... he gives to her and I stand by. I just want to die. He thinks I don't understand that what they have isn't anything like what we have. As if that were ever the issue. That she has of him AT ALL is what hurts. That she can command even a moment of his time. That he spent so very much of his time. That she can afford to purchase his time. That he gets off on her; that he took pictures to commemorate with her. If there were anything in my stomach at all, I'd be hurling just typing these words. I wonder if I could explain, somehow explain, try to find the words to express the pain.  I don't even know that I understand it -- all I know is that I experience the physical response to it.... and that he wants to keep hurting me. He goes forth and whether blindly or otherwise, he continues to hurt me thus -- and I don't run from him .....

ghawd I'm sick .. I'm sick in the head.. I'm sick in the heart .. I'm sick in the depth of my black, black soul ......

He makes me want to die.....

... and he makes me look forward to a long, long life in his possession.