"I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for"I found it and let it fade away. Screw that, it didn't fade, I chased it with murder in my eyes and terror in my heart. I eradicated it from my life so fully that I can find no trace of the other side, even after more than a decade of searching.
I have no closure.
I crave him. Who is he? nothing but a memory. There is no part of me that believes he can still be who I once loved, nor that I can ever be anyone he could stomach to be in the same room with. And yet, the part of me that openly purports not to even believe in hope, holds on to a strange, sharp shard of light, turning it and twisting it between my fingers, slicing my flesh and leaking the sanguine essence of my existence hither and thither without concern that it has the very real potential to run dry.
Who was he? Everything. Everything that ever mattered to who I am. Everything that ever felt right. He was my balance; my spirit; the very smile of my soul.
I have been holding my breath since I left him. Even the most beautiful moments of my life -- the birth of my child, her first smile, her laughter...... they have been experienced through a haze of deprivation. My heart does not beat with the same rhythm. Constricted. Confined. Crippled.
the utter simplicity,
the sheer impossibility,
the lingering memory,
the deep-seated need,...touch me!
and I shall be born again10:39p Oct 14, 2001
no amount of logic is capable of defeating what the heart has instilled. The emotional plane has such jagged topography, punching through into all aspects of our being.
ReplyDeleteI find myself wanting but unable to argue it gets better with time.