moments

The problem is.. I can’t talk about the automatic thoughts and behaviours and moods that really matter.

That half the time I don’t believe in reality. That half the time I’m stuck in this alternate-universe mentality, belief that I’m the only person in all existence and everything else here is just a screwed up computer program designed to keep me from being lonely and destroying myself.

It would take a month of talking for me to explain the whole other “game” that goes on.

And I’ve shortened it down into saying that I have “moments” because I can’t explain any of those moments without the whole 16 year back-story.

Some days it gets worse. Some days I believe my cat hates me. And like THAT even matters.

I had a GOOD day today, and here I am at my computer writing this with tears streaming down my face because I feel like a horrible person, guilty of leaving my cat alone for hours on end in a dark apartment, with very little for amusement. He’s a CAT — we live in a society where it’s deemed okay to do that to “domesticated” animals. I feed and water him and (mostly) give him a clean place to shit. I’m not harming him….. right?

But I don’t believe that our social structure does anything good. I don’t believe we are ‘humane’ even to humans.  The way we treat our elderly, our mental health practices, those who live at the fringe, of poverty, of health.

How am I just supposed to SWALLOW all of that and move on with my day. Not think about those big picture pieces, because I can’t do anything to make them any better so I have to focus on me and my life and making my little piece of it better for me and my daughter (and my damn cat)

well that feels like a fucking crap shoot.

And half the time I don’t believe in any of it anyhow …..

it’s all just busy-work for my brain to keep me from seeing the truth.

But I pull it together, wipe my tears, and tell my daughter it’s bed-time… like the good mom that I am.

What to do

 What do you do when it finds you … unprepared, unwilling, unfit for public consumption …

What do you do when it keeps knocking, even though you’re certain you haven’t answered?

What do you do when you peer through the peephole and realize your sentiments mirrored on the face you see….

a floating face…

a voice in the night …

a hiccough in your daily journey, the grind from birth to the grave…

What do you do when you want something you simply can’t have… you shouldn’t want… you don’t want to need.

You give a welcoming smile and say “come in!” ….. of course you do … cuz you’re you … and you don’t know how to do anything else.

*sigh*

12:51am Thurs, Mar 3, 2016

Introspection...

Someone recently decided to end a budding new friendship and said these words to me [edited for spelling mistakes]: “...your behaviour at the last party was disrespectful and disgraceful. The way you treat the ones around you and act in public is a bit embarrassing to be around. The way you offer yourself to any one willing is disrespectful to yourself and slutty behaviour like that is not appealing...”

This writing is not a direct response to that person, it is a reflection of the introspection I’ve done because of those words being said to me.

I am who I am.

I am pansexual — I don’t care where your plumbing is, was, you wish it were or it might be one day. I care about who you are and how we have been able to create a connection. If that leads to sexy fun times, excellent! If it leads to cuddling and getting closer, also excellent! If it never goes that far and we just enjoy one another’s company for a while … that’s good, too

I am polyamorous — my idea is that more connections make for a fuller experience of life, thereby creating more instances for happiness, joy and bliss, therefore producing an all-around more engaged and positive person, who brings that to all of his/her relationships... I don’t do well with restrictions and I don’t feel I have a right to put them on other people. I do my best to obey socially accepted ideas of ownership (“this is MY husband” or “this is MY sub”) and find that honest communication is the best way to avoid stepping on toes.

I am a sadomasochist — I derive pleasure from both giving and receiving pain. I’m always looking to push my limits on what kind of pain I can handle. I am a little intimidated by my own sadism, and therefore do not have a lot of experience in that realm — I get a very deep thrill from causing physical pain that is _unwanted_ by the recipient, and so I generally keep it in check by simply not letting it out. I’m working on ways to express this in a safer environment.

I am a hedonist — Google says “Hedonism is a school of thought that argues that pleasure is the primary or most important intrinsic good. A hedonist strives to maximize net pleasure (pleasure minus pain).” Or, in other terms: I like all of the things that feel good! :) I think one of my friends says it best when she says: “I wish I liked one thing as much as Cass likes everything!”

I am a sapiosexual — I am completely turned on by intellect. When I was 19, the hottest phone sex I ever had was while a friend was explaining board-level circuitry to me. When people are passionate about what they know and they enjoy sharing it, I get extremely excited. There is no topic I’m not at least somewhat interested in! Let’s pick apart M-theory for the afternoon, interspersed with breaks for a sexual romp! :) I’d like to think I am well-read and I’m always engaging in learning. I read non-fiction as much as I read fiction and I’m infinitely curious.

I am perfectly happy with the term slut — I practice safer sex to the best of my ability. I get tested regularly. I engage in open communication with all my partners and always have “the talk” before anything transpires. I believe I am a good judge of character, but for the most part, I’m certain I’ve just been lucky. Do I offer myself to everyone? Pretty damn near! I think people are beautiful and intriguing, and that everyone has something to teach me. I’ve never had a problem creating a deeper connection with people, whether it be for the moment, the year, or a lifetime. I don’t do ‘surface’ or ‘small talk’ very well. I prefer long-term connections, but that is not a requirement. One-offs can be just as fun, or every-so-often. I find that sex only gets better the more you know your partner, but that doesn’t take away from the raw excitement of a momentary fling!

My biggest kink is other people’s kinks — I’m into a lot of things, things that actually turn me on, but the truth is, I enjoy helping other people push their kink to the limit. I may never interact with that kink on my own, but if someone is really deeply into it, their excitement makes it worthwhile for me in the moment. Whether it is discussing verbally or engaging in the actions, I enjoy exploring how a kink manifests in people. I love the way that the same kink can be experienced in so many different nuances for each individual person. There are very few things I won’t help people get off with, and even if there are things I may not actually do, it is still very likely I will engage in fantasy creation with a person. We all get turned on by different things for different reasons and there is no reason why we shouldn’t be able to enjoy them (so long as they aren’t harming others…. or breaking the law!)

I strive to be honest in all my communication — I think it is mind-bogglingly crazy that we can even communicate at all! When I have a thought and I try to put it into words, I am never going to be entirely accurate. (If I say the words “red truck”, what are you thinking? Maraschino cherry red pick-up truck? Bordeaux Mack Truck?) Therefore I think it is important to choose your words carefully and aim for always being as honest as you possibly can. I tend to be rather verbose, because I want to be VERY sure that we’re on the same page. I also have an annoying habit of interrupting someone’s flow to ask questions, because I want to make sure we’re on the same page, and though I’ve been repeatedly scolded for this behaviour, I am not likely to change!

The chest piece tattoo I have says “Locked Inside This Skin”. For me it is a deeply spiritual idea that were it not for our bodies separating us, we’d all be one. I treat others as an extension of myself. I love others as an extension of myself. I do not think this dilutes love, I think this magnifies it to the nth degree.

I have worked very hard to be comfortable in my skin. To love myself, to love my body and to be okay showing it off in public. We don’t get to choose the line of our jaw or the slant of our nose. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and this body is mine with which to give and derive pleasure. I honour it by doing as much of those as I can!

I have struggled for years with body image issues, a binge eating disorder, psychosis, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and much grief and loss. None of these are excuses for my actions — I do my best to be present and accountable for all that I choose to do.

While I realize most people will not share my philosophies and ideals, I also know that I have never forced them upon anyone. I do my best to respect boundaries and listen when people say no, or stop. I ask before I touch and I negotiate before I play. I’m sure that I have been carried away in the moment before, as I’m sure everyone has, but any time I’ve stepped over the line, I’ve been quick to withdraw and even quicker to apologize. I am a hedonist — I believe in pleasure for myself, but I also believe it in for other people. I am not here to hurt anyone (who doesn’t want to be hurt!!) and I don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable such that they cannot enjoy themselves.

 A woman I respect greatly was introducing me to a friend of hers once, and she told the story about the first time we met — I was stripping down to get on the table for fire play, and this woman told her friend that she had been nervous about doing that herself, but watching me made her think “if she can do it, so can I!” … She is a beautiful empowered woman. I never imagined a story like this to come out of her mouth; I had no idea I’d had this impact on her! (When I asked her permission to use this story publicly, she said "You gave me courage." which just makes me blush!)

We are all at different stages of our journey. We are all experiencing things from our own very unique perspective. My only hope is that my interactions with other people can be positive and that they enhance the life experience, rather than detract from it. If I ever do something that causes someone else upset or hurt, I would hope they could come to me and talk about it. Communication is key to the growth of any interaction. In other lines of work that I do, I often hear the words “it’s about the impact, not the intent” and they are very wise words indeed. The impact of my actions may harm others, but I can only hope that knowing my intent is never to harm can help us find a harmonious way to interact in the aftermath.

So, to sum this all up…. I am okay with who I am. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s okay by me. :) I’ve had people say “I wish I could be as open as you!” which I take as a nice complement, but I didn’t just START this way! I’ve been working at it my whole life… and I’m not finished yet!

---
Update -- Comments I've received on the other site I've posted this have been really wonderful:

"You do you hun. And you're great just the way you are :)"

"You are awesome, never change! Just because someone else has hang ups doesn't mean anyone else does! You bring out the best in people! Your energy is inspiring! Now, can I punch the slut shaming jerk face?"

"It totally Sucks to be them. I know how awesome you are first hand, and I wish I could be as confident and outgoing as you!"

"Sluts are awesome. fuck whoever says otherwise. So long as you're not harming yourself or anyone, it doesn't matter."

"I just love the frank and authentic way that you express yourself babe! Keep being you! your genuine openness is something that is enviable and beautiful and you wear it stunningly! And fuck anyone who tries to put you down for it!"

"Well said friend...Stay strong and keep knowing yourself. Be true and ignore the ignorance."

"Your mind and soul are beautiful and the other person is trapped in a box of close mindedness and soon to be loneliness."

"GOOD ON YOU!! You build people up! That's what makes you beautiful. That original message was to tear you down and strip you of the freedom you strived for."

"Her thought process seems quite rigid.  You're better off."

"You're lovely, and this is so well written. I'm glad you're so comfortable with yourself."

20 Things To Do When You’re 30 That Will Make Life Better At 50

Mostly because I haven't posted much lately .. but also because ... well, I want to remember this stuff? I'm 35 going on 100 most days ....... still feeling the blah's .... so, here's to better days and better plans? (article not mine, but I added the pretty pictures from google images, cuz I'm schnazzy like that.. and also cuz I'm avoiding doing a pile of dishes/pots in my kitchen over there <<<<<< )

 20 Things To Do When You’re 30 That Will Make Life Better At 50 

by Beth Buczynski with Thanks to Distractify for this article 

Someone asked a bunch of 50+ people about things they wished they had done in their younger years. The answers are incredibly smart, and in most cases, simple. If you’ve recently hit the big 3-0, this is your homework. 

 

1. Don’t smoke. If you’ve started, stop immediately.

“If you could see me now, I’m down on my poor, crackling knees begging you to at least consider stopping smoking,” writes Quora user Cyndi Perlman Fink. It’s expensive, smells gross, and is 100% guaranteed to cause health problems. Want to be cancer-free at 50? Stop smoking.

2. Stop eating crap.

“You can make a lot of money in 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s,…90s to buy the whole world when you are at age 50 or beyond,” writes Quora user Sireesha Chilakamarri.  “But, you cannot buy your health. Give up on fast food right now at age 30.”

3. Maintain (or repair) relationships with parents and siblings.

“…Chances are you’ve come across ideas and changed in ways that mean you don’t see eye to eye with them on many issues. But then – that’s part of what a family can help with – to learn to get along with people you don’t agree with on many issues,” writes Quora user Robert Walker.”I come from a family which is very argumentative. If you didn’t understand the situation you might at times think we hate each other. But it isn’t like that at all. Rather, we free to speak our minds because the family ties are so strong.”

4. Stop going out in the sun without sunblock.

“I was stupid. I didn’t listen. Do you want wrinkles and thin skin from sun damage like I have and do you want bruises from just lightly touching the side of a box and having your skin peel off? Go ahead, enjoy lying in the sun without sunblock,” writes Quora user Cyndi Perlman Fink.

5. Exercise regularly.

Build an active lifestyle now, and when you’re 50 you won’t be stuck in a Rascal. “Don’t gain weight. Exercise. Keep your weight at a normal level that’s good for your body,” continues Cyndi Perlman Fink. “Weight does all kinds of bad things for you body. I’ve been fat, I’ve been thin, thin is healthier.”

6. Start saving money. Even if it’s just a tiny bit.

“Save money. I know this is a boring, trite, and unsexy suggestion, but it’s true,” writes Quora user Cliff Gilley. “In your 30s, the average person has a lot of disposable income, some of which can almost always easily be set aside for use later in life.  Plus, building the habit of saving early means you’ll continue it further down the line.”

7. Learn to be content with what you have.

“…Happiness is what matters far more than worldly success,” writes Quora user Robert Walker. “If you are content with what you have then you may be a bit less likely to end up a millionaire, but you will have a happier life.  And if you do become a wealthy person – is no reason why not, you’ll be a more happy, fulfilled and productive wealthy person.”

8. Don’t delay pursuing your life goals.

“Want to buy a house? Have kids? Write a book? Get a second degree or advanced degree? Change your career? Learn to play a new musical instrument? Learn to cook gourmet meals? Try scuba diving? Run for public office? Start a business and be self-employed? Then start today,” writes Quora user Bill Karwin. “It’s easy to put things off. “I’ll get to that someday.” But it’s really true that time starts accelerating as you enter your 30’s, and it keeps accelerating. The time that you’ll get around to those dreams should be now.”

9. Get some sleep.

“Use stellar sleep hygiene,” writes Quora user Nan Waldman. “A dark room or sleep shades will block out light. No bright screens before bedtime. Go to sleep at the same time and wake up at the same time.”

10. Take care of your teeth.

“…Go to the freaking dentist already,” writes Quora user Caroline Zelonka. “Get your little cavities fixed as they come up. Unlike many body health issues, dental problems only get worse — and things like crowns and implants are uncomfortable, time-consuming and expensive (like, close to five figures per tooth for an extraction, implant and crown). If you have a good savings and income stream, the bills won’t be the painful thing — but there’s no getting around the pain and the time suck.”

11. Collect memories instead of things.

You are the sum of your experiences. Don’t wake up when you’re 50 and realize that you’ve wasted life gathering possessions. Memories won’t depreciate and can’t be burned in a fire. (Inspired by Quora user Richard Careaga).

12. Give something back.

“Give to others so you feel the goodness that service brings,” writes Quora user Nan Waldman. “However you give, do it with your full heart, soul, and effort. Expect nothing in return.”

13. Be curious and do one thing that scares you every day.

“Get out of the house and have an honest-to-God adventure right now,” writes Quora user Mary Leek. “Make it as big as you can possibly manage, take lots of pictures, throw caution to the wind, take on the risk, grab the brass ring. If possible, include someone you’re close to – make a BIG memory. It has to be more than jumping out of an airplane – it needs to be measured in days, not hours or minutes. You’ll still be smiling about it when you’re old and creaky, I promise. I am.”

14. Read at least 10 books a year.

“Gee I wish I spent more time watching TV and playing video,” said no 50 year-old ever. Your brain never stops growing, so exercise it with media that matters. (Inspired by Quora user Vanitha Muthukumar).

15. Travel. As much as possible, whenever you can.

“Traveling will change you like little else can. It will put you in places that will force you to care for issues that are bigger than you,” writes Jeff Goins. “It’s about experiencing true risk and adventure so you don’t have to live in fear for the rest of your life. And…inspiring others to step out of that fear, too.”

16. Learn to meditate.

“The list of benefits is endless, it only costs you a small amount of time a day, the change in your life and the people you love will be amazing,” writes Quora user Rens De Nobel. “And compared to ten years ago, there are long lists of scientific studies to back it up.”

17. Do you.

Trust me, the day your body starts to show the signs of wear & tear, you no longer see any fun in partying or trying to impress people around you,” writes Quora user Satish Kumar Grandhi. “You need to start your path of self discovery right now to become stronger by the time you are 50.”

18. Keep a journal.

“You WILL forget more of your precious memories that you’ll remember,” writes Quora user Mark Crawley. “Your written records will entertain and endear in your future (wish I had). Your computer should make this archiving all the easier to implement and retain / recall. Put files on memory sticks with photos. Your kids (or surviving spouse) may someday love you for it.”

19. Become a homeowner.

“Buy a house, it’ll be nearly paid for by the time you’re 50,” writes Quora user Liz Read.

20. Take care of your friends.

“Choose people who make you feel like you already are your best self, who challenge you by their example, and who you genuinely enjoy,” explains Nan Waldman. “Nurture them. Laugh with them. Be silly too. Contribute to their survival and enjoyment of life. Take the time every week to be in touch.”

Thanks to Distractify for this article 

blah day is blah

things and stuff....

Useless things, and stuff .... they keep cluttering up my head-space.  I'm not sure if it's just age, and life, and life and aging ..... or if it is something to do with my new medication (because, after all, we are all just walking pharmaceutical experimentations under-way) .... but I can't seem to focus on anything of much substance. I keep mixing up letters in words (I can understand this when I'm at a keyboard, but when I'm two-thumb typing on my cellphone, it seems a little odd that I'd toss letters around inside a word, and OFTEN too!) and replacing old words with new words that don't actually mean what I thought they meant .... my whole internal dictionary seems to have gone haywire.  Why I'm even attempting to write something in a semi-public forum, I'm not even sure......!

I'm drunk on oxytocin and I want the world to know ......... but I'm terrified.

From Practical Magic -- Sally Owens: [Sally's letter to Gillian] Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon. 

Those words hold me still and silent, rapt with attention. I've always yearned in this way -- "I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for." Suddenly, from nowhere that makes sense, I feel like it has found me. I feel as though I have been preparing for this moment my whole life, but somehow it still caught me with my pants down (and NOT in the fun way!) ..... so I just swallow my fear and go with the flow and hope for the best, right? That's what you do when you don't know what to do ... hope for the best. What is the best?

What if I said, every other day I think about letting my daughter go live with her father? What if I wished for an out ... from the burdens of responsibility? What if I wanted to let go of all the material possessions I've gathered in order to give her the life she deserves, the home, the stability, the opportunity I'm supposed to give her ... what if I'm tired and I just want out of it all? .... of course, I know I can't .. I know I wouldn't be able to live with that decision ... I know I need to be here for every joy and every sorrow while I still can, because one day she'll have her own life, away from me ... and I'll look back and cherish every single moment that right now feels like an eternity of not being me..........

Honesty is tough.

So what do I want? What do I need? Where am I GOING?!

My psychiatrist, who I have been seeing for the past 12+ years, discharged me last week. It was unexpected and sudden and came with a few tears. Am I well enough to be on my own without him? I don't know. I still have another psychiatrist through a separate program here in this city (rather than the next one over) ... but I've only seen him a handful of times over the past 2 years. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know the me that I was 13 years ago. The me that could hardly escape her front door for fear of upsetting the universal chaotic status quo ........ but I suppose that is not the me I am today. I suppose it is time to let go of those fears. It is time to be the me who is a 35y/o mother to an 11y/o girl ... a woman in love. I woman with no idea where her life is headed. A woman afraid to make big changes towards her dreams......

So, I'm putting it out there, into the world at large.  This is what I want to do: I want to be a 'wholistic life mentor' or rather, I want to invent a position with that title! :)

I want my own shop. I want space for private sit-down conversation, and another space for private massage-table work (like Reiki, crystal healing, fire-cupping, etc) ... and I want a large yoga-studio-like space, for group meditation and chakra jewellery creating classes... and I want a store-front with a share-library and co-op sales space for items and crafts and art ....... I want to be a "collective" of practitioners who share the space......

Now what are my first steps towards achieving that, after stating my intention? Oi! I don't know yet... but I know I'm going to find out.

Wish me luck! :)

Hi Jinks

terrified in life;

lost in love;

drown by a sea of longing;

grasping at straws;

sinking through self;

only to find,

upon standing…

…the water was only ever knee deep.

8:29pm October 13, 2015