moments

The problem is.. I can’t talk about the automatic thoughts and behaviours and moods that really matter.

That half the time I don’t believe in reality. That half the time I’m stuck in this alternate-universe mentality, belief that I’m the only person in all existence and everything else here is just a screwed up computer program designed to keep me from being lonely and destroying myself.

It would take a month of talking for me to explain the whole other “game” that goes on.

And I’ve shortened it down into saying that I have “moments” because I can’t explain any of those moments without the whole 16 year back-story.

Some days it gets worse. Some days I believe my cat hates me. And like THAT even matters.

I had a GOOD day today, and here I am at my computer writing this with tears streaming down my face because I feel like a horrible person, guilty of leaving my cat alone for hours on end in a dark apartment, with very little for amusement. He’s a CAT — we live in a society where it’s deemed okay to do that to “domesticated” animals. I feed and water him and (mostly) give him a clean place to shit. I’m not harming him….. right?

But I don’t believe that our social structure does anything good. I don’t believe we are ‘humane’ even to humans.  The way we treat our elderly, our mental health practices, those who live at the fringe, of poverty, of health.

How am I just supposed to SWALLOW all of that and move on with my day. Not think about those big picture pieces, because I can’t do anything to make them any better so I have to focus on me and my life and making my little piece of it better for me and my daughter (and my damn cat)

well that feels like a fucking crap shoot.

And half the time I don’t believe in any of it anyhow …..

it’s all just busy-work for my brain to keep me from seeing the truth.

But I pull it together, wipe my tears, and tell my daughter it’s bed-time… like the good mom that I am.