25 random things about me...

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.

(intentionally left un-numbered, but I assure you, there ARE twenty-five!)

Hallmark-holidays depress me. I always say I want to celebrate earth-driven holidays, like solstices, but I never seem to gather with the right people for such celebratory events to occur. Help?

I enjoy baking for other people. Cheesecake, muffins, apple crumble, zucchini bread, cookies, whatever. I recently discovered a recipe for double-chocolate cookies and replaced the chips w/ mint chips -- DIVINE!

I like to think that I think differently than other people. I've never been anyone but me, so I don't know how other people think. This creates a certain fallacy of my first statement. Tell me, do you think like I think? And if we thought the same, would we express our thinking in the same manner? What do you think?

The first boy I ever 'dated' was when I was 12. It wasn't until I was 15 that I had my heart broken and it wasn't until 19 that I was devastated by love. I often wonder if we ever truly recover from those wounds.

If I had to pick a favourite "great mind" it would be Arthur Schopenhauer. If I had to pick a favourite "artist" it would be Alex Grey. If I had to pick a favourite place, it would be inside a cuddle.

I've always wanted to write a book (since I was 9 at least). I've had poetry published and even some of my art, but it is the elusiveness of form that leads me astray from book-dom.

There is nothing quite as spectacular to watch as professional yo-yoing.

My favourite flower is a white calla lily. Roses are over-done, Carnations are my mom's flower and anything else just doesn't come close to the elegance of my favourite.

I often leave off reading the last chapter, or couple pages of a book, if I'm certain the author will end the story in a way I don't want to accept -- to this day I've yet to read the end of Cujo, Fahrenheit 451, and several others.

My favourite 'colours' are argyle, camouflage and paisley.

Kyla's middle name (Raeghan) came to me in a dream while I was pregnant. I wish I'd pushed harder for it to be her first name. I still hold hopes that she will change to it when she's older.

I watched the one movie that is guaranteed to make me cry every time (Untamed Heart) for the first time this year without crying, and I felt terrible for not being able to shed tears. Have I changed that much?

I often feel like the whole world is laughing at me behind my back, and if I were to leave the room just a moment later than I meant to, I might catch the first sniggers.

I love my daughter more and more every day, and yet the older she gets, the harder it is to be a single parent.

The most exhilarating high I have ever felt was after talking to 300+ grade 9 students about making good choices (and not choosing drugs!). It was better than any drug I've ever done (and I've done too many to list!) I am terrified to do a talk like that again, but I know I will.

I have a cat named Elvis and a cat named Trinity that live with me, but they are not my cats. I have a cat named T.O.C. (The Other Cat) who does not live with me, but he will always be my cat.

I feel guilty when I let my daughter's fish die (four times!) and really bad about flushing them down the toilet without so much as a farewell.

I haven't even applied to Ryerson yet (I will by Tuesday of next week) and I am already looking at the cost of living in Toronto.

I've always been a high 80's or 90's student, without ever truly applying myself. I am afraid to actually apply myself to something, for fear of failure -- I have never failed at anything serious in my life (except relationships).

I forgot my dad's birthday for the first time in my life this year.

I value my alone time. In a world so full of people and commitment and responsibilities and appointments and rush-hour and dead-lines and, and, and! I value the ability to sit, alone, in a quiet space, with a cup of (Chai) tea.

I give. I give to the point of my own detriment. I give so much that people just expect it of me and don't even notice. I wish sometimes I could stop giving, but half the time I don't even notice that I am!

Twenty-five seems rather arbitrary. The last one I read asked for sixteen, which also holds no significance. Would eighteen suffice? Would thirty be too many? A goal of mine might be to find the exact number that holds enough information without being overwhelming and yet not quite enough to be filling. (Is it a baker's dozen?)

I'm OCD about many, MANY, many things. The problem is -- I can always "get on" with the rest of my life, so it is not classifiable as OCD. But I will dwell on the things left un-done ... if I didn't get to stack my used creamers inside one another, with the sugar packets rolled and stuffed inside the top one, I will feel slighted and focus on the loss for extended periods. If I can't check the time when I wake up, I will feel completely disoriented until I catch a glimpse of clock.

I used to rearrange the items in my fridge before a date would come over, on the off chance he might be looking when I offer him a drink, and will think "wow, she has a very tidy fridge" which, to my mind, would score bonus points in his mind. (Now do we understand why I have relationship problems?!)

insane ramblings...

sometimes, it'd be nice to actually be as brave as I once wished I was.. then I might be able to tell the boy sitting beside me that he reminds me of the guy I can't forget .. and that I'd like to a) know his name b) learn his story and c) touch his skin.

ahhh .. the simple things that are never quite that easy, and I wonder if they are for any animal species .. is it just humans that make such a mess of the whole social crap ... or do other mammals do it too?

oh boy .. boy to my left... read my mind and ask me something -- anything! :)

Bus Trip musings...

(this is a second attempt. The previous PERFECT note disappeared. Thanks facebook!)

So...

I'm taking Kyla on a bus trip.

We're headed down to Kansas to visit my dad and then across to BC to see my sister. The trip is a whole day on a Greyhound bus from here down to KS, where we'll visit with my dad for a couple days... and then it is two days on a bus over to BC. We'll stay nearly a week there and then the three day long-haul trip home.

I know it may seem a little bit crazy to suggest I can pull this kind of thing off with a 4 year old in tow, but.... I think I can pull it off!!

I've read all kinds of online tips and tricks for long-distance traveling with a child... and I've put together a fairly competent tool-kit of entertainment. The best part is -- I wont be driving! So I'll be able to interact with Kyla and we can keep each other occupied.

I'm writing this note to share our plans and to seek out any wisdom or advice that you may have! (Other than "Dear ghawd woman! What are you thinking?! Have you lost your mind?! Don't do it!")

So if you've done any extended traveling with young minds and have words to share about what worked (or what didn't!) please PLEASE feel free to comment here!

The truth is, I haven't seen my dad since my daughter was 4 months old and I miss him greatly. My sister has been in BC since April and wont be back until next spring -- so the idea of not seeing her for nearly a year is terrible! The reason for going by bus is simply to attempt to cut costs... but truly, I think it can be an adventure and a great experience for both Kyla and myself!

We depart on August 14th and aren't back until August 31st. I hope everyone is having a great summer and I plan on seeing many of you in the fall!

I keep telling myself "What is life without its challenges?!" But fear I may have bitten off more than I can chew this time! So please leave some advice or even just words of encouragement! I'm feeling a little anxious about the whole experience (and there is no need to make mention of anything that has been in the news recently!) ...

A very happy August to everyone! :)

reconnecting ...

I've spent more time away from my daughter in the past six months than I think I have her entire life.... I keep feeling like I'm missing out!

tonight, after not seeing her for a couple weeks, I read her some books before bed and then she curled up on my lap, with her head on my shoulder, and she fell asleep while I rubbed her back and sang her a song....

she's four years old... and hasn't fallen asleep in my arms in at least a year......

its funny how you don't realize what you're missing, until you are reminded of how great it felt.....

Robert Munsch's 'I'll love you forever' comes to mind..... I can totally understand the feeling of wanting to sneak in to your grown child's bedroom and rock them to sleep, just for the comfort of that moment....

she's growing up ............

While driving and listening to music today, I had Fleetwood Mac's 'Go your own way' on an album ... and I know the song isn't about this (especially w/ a line like "shacking up is all you wanna do"!!) .. but it made me think about being a mom .. and how, if I could, I'd give my daughter the world, but one day, she'll be going her own way, doing her own thing, discovering her own world ........ and..... I want her to, but I want to hold her hand, but I cant, but ........

words and emotions suck :)

anyhow, sleep is my lover now ..... g'nite folks! :)

HELP! I need creative people with common sense!

Okay ... so here's the situation .. my landlords are new, they bought the building in December 2007 and as soon as they bought it they started renovating the other half of the building -- to eventually open it as a convenience store. They are doing most of the work themselves, with friends, after/before hours and on weekends. I cant exactly fault them for this, but it has been going on for nearly FOUR MONTHS now .. waking up on a Sunday morning at 7am to some construction guy shouting "Holy fucking shit!" is not pleasant... the fact that there was no insulation between the two units, so I could hear every nail being driven in and every turn of the sander... and that now that they have insulation, I can still hear voices loud enough to make out 80% of the words.... the owner himself is a smoker (and I am not) and he continually smokes on the job and my entire apartment fills up with smoke -- nothing like coming home after a LONG day and dropping onto my bed, only to have my pillow reek of cigarette smoke and totally repulse me. I've gone through boxes of anti-histamines trying to counter-balance the ick .. and my headaches almost never go away. My four year old daughter is just as irritated by this all. I have been very polite in my requests about them not smoking inside and they still do it -- or they stand at the front door with the door open so that the wind blows the smoke right back into my place. Often they are even pounding away until 10 or 11 at night. A couple times they've had a buzz-saw outside in front of my daughter's bedroom window going until 10:30pm. I know construction happens, even in residential settings.. but this has been going on and on and on and on -- someone needs to call Holmes on Homes or some shit!!! Its just a single room convenience store, about the size of two living rooms -- and it WAS a convenience store before, they're just remodeling .. WTF can possibly take so long?!

I've just given my two months notice, and now they're doing all of it TWICE as bad......

So! The purpose of this email is to seek imaginative solutions to my desire for retribution. My quality of life has been shot to shit for four months and my landlords could care less. Does any one have any lists/tips on legal ways to trash your apartment before you leave? .. like.. whats that man-made form of skunk odor that they used on Myth Busters ... if I dump that under the kitchen sink and the bathroom sink .. can anyone actually prove it?? That's all I can come up with off the top of my head... but I invite anyone/everyone to dream up their worst -- and then to come up with something practical :)

My landlords have been pissing me off for tooooo long.. they deserve whatever is coming to them ... but I don't wanna get charged or have to pay for any damages, so keep that in mind!!! :)

The Justice League...

Okay .. so this is a call to all boys and to all mothers of boys!!

My daughter will be 4 in April, but she's really three-going-on-twelve! Anyhow... we stopped in a Blockbusters last night to pick up a movie and I walked her over to the kids section of the movies to buy ... and thought she'd get a Barbie Fairytopia or Dora or Strawberry Shortcake or Toopy and Binoo or something she normally is into .. but nooooo! She chose The Justice League and was very adament that this is what she wanted, saying "Myles likes Batman, I want to watch this." Myles is a name we hear quite often around our house -- he is a little boy in her daycare class who has caught her eye since the first week of school ....

So .. we bought it .. and she LOVES it .. she's already seen it three and a half times since yesterday! :) (we went on a long car-ride and she watched it on the way there and one and a half times on the way back, before falling asleep)

I have never been interested in super-heroes! .. They seem kinda lame to me ... Superman .. Batman .. The Green Lantern .. Wonder Woman .. Hawk Girl .. The Flash .. and .. who else is in this weird movie.. umn .. umnn .. Jean sumfinerother ......

Ever since I was young, I was always into real heroes -- like those who helped the physically and mentally marginalized among us ... or heck, my dad :)

I dont even know that my daughter's father is into this kinda stuff -- I cant remember him ever being so!

Sooooo! I'm asking for someone, anyone, or several someones .. to PLEASE comment here .. and give me some kinda quick synopsis of who the hell The Justice League are .. and some cool facts about them .. My daughter invariably has a million questions and she doesn't accept the fact that mommy doesn't know .. and really? truthfully?? I'd prolly fall asleep if I started trying to read the wiki on any of these guys ......

Heck, I'm having a hard enough time explaining to her "no no, sweety, Batman doesn't fly .. in fact, he doesn't really have any super powers.. he's just a really in shape man with a lot of cool tools ......." .. of course, she says "no mommy, I saw him fly!" .. and I respond "well it might look like he is, but he's got this bat-tool that shoots a rope up at something higher than him (cuz there's always something higher than him!!) and it pulls him along..... he can jump really far .. and his cape helps him glide ... but he cant really fly ... remember how he flies the bat-plane, when everyone else is flying???" .... but she wont believe me :)

Any help is greatly appreciated!!!

I refuse to force my daughter into a sex-apporopriate gender role .. she can like all the superheroes she wants ... :)

Heartstrings...

I am re-posting this today as a direct response to someone who sent out a cybernetic message-in-a-bottle and likely touched more people than he realizes.. I wanted to comment and let him know he's not alone, that we all struggle and that there are more people willing to help than anyone ever sees... but I wasn't quite sure how to word it -- and this older piece of mine came to mind.. so .. here's hoping he understands...

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Please don't say "my heart has no strings" ..

when I talk about the term 'heartstrings' .. I don't mean the kind of "strings-attached" deal .. like a puppeteer w/ his marionette .. pulling the strings and guiding the movements of the doll ..

heartstrings are strands woven through the sands of time that connect us with those we love... like our parents or our children .. our friends.. even some mere acquaintances ..

when we talk about something "pulling on our heartstrings" .. it is meant that an event has caused us to reflect on those relationships we hold and that our emotions are being drawn to the surface..

some relationships have more than a strand between them, some have entire woven histories -- like my mother and I, I'd say there's an entire linen-closet woven between us .. some have stronger ties than others ..

but I wouldn't want to be anywhere without my heartstrings.. because these are not merely the connections between our loved ones, they are also the ropes that, when we've fallen over the cliffs of despair, act as safety lines to keep us from plummeting fully .. and allow us the opportunity to climb ourselves out ..

strangely enough, it is those whom we have knots in our heartstrings with .. those who we may have a strong bond, but where there is conflict (or, a knot) .. who may actually allow us the better passage to climb up from .. the knots being great hand-holds .. and sometimes using those particular heartstrings as a means of coming back from over-the-edge.. we will discover that the knots (or conflicts!) were less important as we once thought and the heart-string to that person is somehow stronger for the experience ...

*shrug* sorry to rant.. *blush* .. but yea, please don't say you have no heartstrings.. that would make me very, very sad...