Ten Years

[previously posted on MySpace]

ten years is a long expanse of time to try and look across...

in the 'whole scheme of things' (the cliche I hate to use, but invariably seem stuck on) .. ten years is nothing .. not even a blink .. not even the edge of the muscles twitching before the blink ...

but to the human consciousness.. to the psyche of self ...

ten years is longer than we could ever accurately perceive.

where was I ten years ago today?

lets see.. April 15th 1997 .. I would've still been in high school .. I would've been entangled in some mess with Brandon ...

I would have yet to smoke pot for even the first time.

strange the things that mark time for us.

I can tell you EXACTLY where I was at 12:37pm April 19th, 2004..

but I'm not sure of too many specific moments other than that one....

and the better question .. the more pertinent side of this event horizon -- where will I be in ten years ...

April 15th, 2017 .. Kyla will be on the cusp of turning 13...

she'll be a teen!!

where will _I_ be? .. what will _I_ be doing .. ?

All literary devices fail when I attempt to put thoughts to words as I contemplate the possibility of the future.

The scariest thought for me, is that I DON'T perceive it. I cant see past fighting her to bed tomorrow night. I cant see past debt. I cant see past pain. I cant see past confrontation of my current stressors. I cant see past the NOW-NESS of everything on my plate.

I feel like this "full plate" we term our crazy life issues as .. is balanced on my nose and I'm strapped to a bed with no motor options .. and I can feel a sneeze coming on.

Didn't Doug say something about "the great coming of the next tissue"??

the past...

[Previously posted on MySpace]

Just when you think its safe to crawl out from underneath the blankets and face the world.. just when you've swallowed down your last pill of regret and bitten off the disgrace of long-lost memories, of emotions, of raw animal instinct.. just when you think the past is really that -- the past...

It suddenly comes and punches you right in the solar-plexus, doubling you over and kicking you again when you're down.

The very idea of moving forwards .. of going onwards and upwards into the happiness life has to offer .. of being one with self and one with the world around......... how can something seemingly so simple, suddenly be so very impossible, just from seeing a PICTURE?!

They've always said a picture is worth a thousand words -- but this picture only filled me with a thousand questions... I have no right to any of the answers, but I want them .. I want them ... I want them all .. and I'll always want him.

I'm going to try to move past this moment of the past..
This is a poem I wrote once, when I needed a hand up .. maybe it can help me again now ......

reflections from within
slowly fade to mind
what was said is said,
and what was done, done.
the past is but a monster
creeping out to attack us
the future is yet untold
laid ahead before us
the uncertainty that finds us
on our daily venture
is bountiful and true
if only we can grasp it
with our human hands
and lead ourselves
      not into temptation
but forward yet to stand.

9:52p EST 05/31/01